BH- Lesson 17- Do not refuse the suitable spouse for silly reasons! - Hamam Nassereddine

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In Lectures

These are lessons in which we shed light on Koranic verses and narrations from Ahlul Bait (peace be upon them) that teach us the steps one should take to build an Islamic family.

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[0:05]Al so this class is about building an Islamic household uh it's

[0:51]a class that we started um about a year or two ago

[0:59]and the reason behind it is that um we find uh you

[1:02]know a need for the for such classes these days um especially

[1:12]with the um High divorce rate that we witness secondly especially with

[1:18]the errors or the mistakes that certain parents fall into regarding raising

[1:22]their children and we know that one of the big or biggest

[1:27]challenges we're facing in this era is that movements and groups trying

[1:34]to spoil children from their childhood so if a person does not

[1:40]know how to properly establish an Islamic household it is very likely

[1:46]that his his children will be misled in the near or distant

[1:53]future in fact he or his pal might also be misled so

[1:56]I found it necessary to shed light on the quranic verses and

[2:03]or the the narrations of that speak about this topic and believe

[2:09]it or not we have a Fortune of a Fortune of texts

[2:16]quranic verses and narrations that speak about these issues uh that speak

[2:22]about marriage that speak about the right spouse that speak about spousal

[2:26]treatment how you should treat your spouse and that speak about raising

[2:31]children and how a father or mother should behave in her or

[2:36]her in his or her house J last year we covered the

[2:42]topic of choosing the right spouse so we mentioned uh multiple narrations

[2:47]regarding the right wife The Good Wife and regarding the right husband

[2:54]the good husband now we did mention previously that in in this

[3:00]class we mention what is best to be done when we want

[3:06]to get married or we want to establish a household some of

[3:10]the points we mentioned are not wag not mandatory but if you

[3:15]apply them it will be better for example we mentioned last year

[3:21]before Ash that um one of the most important traits in a

[3:27]good spouse meaning a good husband or a good wife is IM

[3:34]is Faith another very important trait is piety a third very important

[3:39]trait is good morals that the husband or the wife should have

[3:45]good morals one might tell me what if I find for example

[3:50]a m who has bad morals can I marry her I tell

[3:52]him if you're asking me from a perspective then yes you can

[3:57]marry her she's a but if if you ask me from an

[4:04]advice perspective what's better no it's better not to marry her because

[4:09]told to avoid you know such individuals for marriage of course to

[4:14]avoid getting married to such individuals so not every point we mention

[4:18]in this class or these classes is wag but when we bring

[4:24]a quranic verse or a narration from saying do one to three

[4:31]do these specific Deeds obviously it would be better to follow the

[4:38]the advice of Allah or because Allah and only give the best

[4:43]advice all right again this is if Allah or are mentioning something

[4:51]that's not W sometimes no the IM will tell you that this

[4:54]is a must you have to follow it in this case you

[4:57]have to follow it you cannot you cannot violate the im's command

[5:00]for example someone finds a lady who he finds suitable for marriage

[5:06]but lady but that lady is she's not even a Muslim and

[5:11]not from can he marry her no he can't he might tell

[5:15]me about you know she has the best of morals and she's

[5:17]listened up Allah said you can't you can't marry her so long

[5:23]that she's a CF if she becomes Muslim you can marry her

[5:27]she becomes a Muslim you can marry her so we have laws

[5:29]regarding marriage that have to be followed just as we have laws

[5:32]regarding other topics that have to be followed then again we also

[5:39]have recommendations given to us by following these recommendations would be better

[5:45]but it's not a must this applies not only to marriage take

[5:51]for example foods and drinks uh eating and drinking with eating and

[5:56]drinking we have laws strict laws right for example you can't eat

[6:00]pork that's a law one of the fundamental laws in Islam you

[6:05]can't eat pork you can't drink wine but then you have recommendations

[6:07]on how to eat halal food right what should you do when

[6:12]you eat these are recommendations if you follow them it's better but

[6:18]it's not a must so we mentioned last year who is The

[6:22]Good Wife what traits and who is the good husband what traits

[6:27]does he have now I want to carry on where we left

[6:32]off after understanding that three essential traits that should be found in

[6:39]a husband or a wife or faith IM believe in belief in

[6:46]Allah uh piety and morals we say the following suppose that someone

[6:54]all right found someone that has these traits now what what should

[6:59]be done it would be wise to mention your expectations to your

[7:09]future wife or future husband in better terms you found you found

[7:14]someone who seems to be suitable he's a suitable match or she's

[7:17]a suitable match for you now before you get married it's not

[7:24]a must but it would be wise to mention your expectations what

[7:29]do you expect how do you want to live your life what

[7:32]kind of Lifestyle do you want to have both of them should

[7:39]mention what they expect to each other why so that they so

[7:42]that they ensure they're on the same page and so that no

[7:47]one later on says you know what I did not sign up

[7:52]for this when you mention your expectations the other individual will be

[7:57]able to determine if if he can actually um uphold the conditions

[8:05]that he or she wants uh that that that you want him

[8:10]or her to uphold and he'll be able to determine if he

[8:15]can or she can withstand that lifestyle exactly if they want they

[8:26]don't want to exactly for example some people some they want to

[8:32]have a very religious lifestyle that's beautiful by very religious I mean

[8:41]they don't want to Simply perform the and avoid the they want

[8:45]more than that they want their life to revolve around going to

[8:52]the shrines of how classes uh doing good deeds providing for example

[9:02]the poor with clothing food and the likes they want to you

[9:05]know they want to enjoy their lives obviously but they want a

[9:11]big chunk of their life and especially their spousal life to be

[9:16]dedicated to what to such deals Sal Quran Dua Etc not all

[9:26]want that which is a bit sad but that's the reality some

[9:28]they tell you yes we want to obey Allah subhana wa taala

[9:34]we don't want to disobey God but we don't want that level

[9:38]of religiosity or that level of spirituality so here if the man

[9:45]or the woman wants such a lifestyle he or she should should

[9:49]should should be explicit about it to his or her spouse person

[9:56]should say that I expect my lifestyle to be in the following

[10:02]way can you uphold such a lifestyle can you withand it can

[10:05]you adapt to it the same applies to for example other matters

[10:14]mean children does the person want to have children or not in

[10:20]most cases you know the spouse the man or the woman wants

[10:23]to have children but speaking about these matters at the very beginning

[10:30]of their marital life in fact before they get married is good

[10:36]it's good it's it's wise so that they're on the same page

[10:39]the same applies to for example location sometimes you know uh someone

[10:45]wants to stay in a specific City for example uh a sister

[10:52]does not want to abandon her hometown she wants to get married

[10:57]but she wants to stay her family members she does not want

[11:03]to travel and you know become distant to to be distant from

[11:06]them in that case she has to express herself and be explicit

[11:10]to the person who's seeking her hand for marriage and obviously life

[11:16]is filled with uncertainties and you never know sometimes circumstances change in

[11:21]a way where you're forced to leave your hometown similar to what's

[11:25]happening to our brothers and sisters and family members in in Lebanon

[11:29]right uh many people Milli about 1 million Lebanese individuals have been

[11:36]displaced right they've went to different places uh to basically foreign lands

[11:44]in in Lebanon so sometimes the circumstances change in a way where

[11:52]you're forced to leave but then again expressing what you want what

[11:56]you would like would be good again so that we avoid problems

[12:02]or avoid more problems and at the same time we ensure that

[12:05]both of us are on the same page all right both of

[12:11]them mentioned what they expect they mentioned their expectations now what suppose

[12:16]that they disagree on certain expectations what should be done in this

[12:19]case here it would be wise to be wise it would be

[12:26]wise to be wise in what sense if they differ on certain

[12:35]expectations which is normal this is normal yeah it is I believe

[12:38]it is very rare to find two individuals that have the exact

[12:44]same expectations right so in this case if they find a bit

[12:48]of differences in what they expect it would be wise to find

[12:54]a middle agreement or say a middle ground agreement what I mean

[12:57]to say is if you find someone who's suit someone who's again

[13:03]who's faithful number one Pious number two and he or she has

[13:11]good morals number three if they expect something that you do not

[13:18]want to perform they expect you to uphold a particular condition that

[13:24]you prefer not to uphold try to find you know a solution

[13:31]that would please both individuals again as we said try to find

[13:34]a middle ground solution try to get to a middle ground agreement

[13:38]because the person in front of you is what is a j

[13:43]if you find someone who's M and and that person is a

[13:47]Jem so you don't want to lose the opportunity of marrying them

[13:51]for the slightest of reasons I'm mentioning this because sometimes that's what

[13:58]happens in society a person will be faithful and Pious and he

[14:06]has good morals or she has good morals but the individual that

[14:11]wants to marry them or the individual that they're seeking um refuses

[14:22]to Mary the other individual why for not the best reasons in

[14:30]fact sometimes for silly reasons and that's a problem that's a problem

[14:37]sometimes we create these so-called red flags that shouldn't actually be red

[14:45]flags I'll give you a few examples perhaps I've given examples before

[14:53]but um there's no harm in repeating ourselves you'll find certain people

[15:00]sometimes who might not accept to marry a m or who has

[15:12]faith and piety because that individual follows a different that's a valid

[15:20]reason no it's not a valid reason at least subanal reason a

[15:27]substantial reason how so I mean even some basic things like I

[15:36]don't know maybe oh they can they can get to um they

[15:42]can agree on something right provided that they're both following actual Mar

[15:49]right who uphold who who hold the the traits of a the

[15:56]traits that a marja should hold then what's the problem even if

[16:01]they fall different what's the problem with that um told us to

[16:09]look at to look at piety but they didn't tell us that

[16:14]you know if if he or she follows a different different we

[16:16]should not get married to them at the end of the day

[16:21]we're we're all part of the same make sense so that that's

[16:23]what that's what I uh that's the reason why I mentioned this

[16:28]this issue right uh obviously as as you mentioned if the maraja

[16:34]have you know um different opinions regarding sensitive matters such that their

[16:42]lives will become quite difficult um because of those those laws in

[16:47]which they differ for example the laws of Tara and they can

[16:53]simply agree on you know how to um deal with those laws

[16:55]right how to practice precaution for example such that both are comfortable

[17:00]with with the uh Tara of their belongings and the Tara of

[17:08]their their house Etc yeah that's just an example another example is

[17:15]methan um a person might refuse to marry someone else simply because

[17:22]that someone comes from a different background sometimes it's an issue of

[17:28]villages not an issue of countries for example someone who's I I'll

[17:34]talk about my people right someone who's Lebanese will refuse to marry

[17:39]someone else who's Lebanese and that person's a m he's he has

[17:47]good morals he has piety but he refuses because he comes from

[17:50]a village called X that's Islamic it's not Islamic that's not Islamic

[18:03]based on the there's absolutely no problem in marrying someone who comes

[18:09]from a different background provided of course that you can withstand the

[18:14]cultural differences if you can if you can withstand the cultural differences

[18:18]then what what's the problem no problem whatsoever there is no quranic

[18:24]verse saying that the M who comes from this Lebanese Village can

[18:28]only marry who comes from the same Village or someone who's can

[18:35]only M someone who's iri or someone who's y can only marry

[18:38]someone who's YY I'm using different backgrounds as as examples Islam says

[18:43]the opposite it says so what so what if he's Y and

[18:49]she's or he is Iraqi and she's Lebanese or he is Lebanese

[18:55]and he is from Syria so what he's a m he's Tu

[19:01]then that's what we want right obviously you look for compatibility and

[19:05]we talked about compatibility last year but again I'm just giving examples

[19:12]on certain red flags that we create when there's no need for

[19:18]such red flags because I repeat these days it's it's not very

[19:24]easy to find someone who has the three traits we mentioned it's

[19:30]not easy to find someone who and find those three in someone

[19:41]someone is a gem any questions comments or even objections on what

[19:54]I'm saying I like to have discussions in my classes so that's

[20:00]yeah that's fine yeah yep faithful Pious good I don't want to

[20:21]that I'm just wondering is there is a reason for like isn't

[20:29]that enough like wouldn't good be otherwise they wouldn't yeah Muslim so

[20:42]a good M obviously should have those three traits yes but then

[20:49]again the issue goes back to what we mean by m right

[20:53]exactly yeah sometimes we Sayan is a and we're talking about were

[21:00]were um looking at him from his from the belief perspective he's

[21:06]a m in the sense that he follows Islam believes in Islam

[21:10]and follows he believes in yeah he's a m when it comes

[21:22]to the beliefs but now when we look at those individuals J

[21:25]or actually let me let me go back a few steps let's

[21:30]start with Muslim when we go to the Muslims we have Muslims

[21:35]who follow meaning they believe in the sect of they believe in

[21:41]the beliefs of they believe in the 12 IMS and then you

[21:44]have Muslims who don't believe in the 12 imams so now the

[21:47]Muslim who does not believe in the 12 imams you call him

[21:52]what a Muslim if you call him a m you mean that

[21:56]he's a m in Islam in the general sense but the real

[22:01]m is who the one who believes in now we're gonna go

[22:10]to level two now when we look at the meaning those who

[22:14]believe in they're also divided into different categories you have a m

[22:20]who barely practices his faith on a practical level on a practical

[22:29]level he messes up a lot can you call a cafir he's

[22:31]not a cafir you call so from a from the belief perspective

[22:37]he's he's a m you say he's a m Because he believes

[22:41]in the 12 IMS and obviously Allah Etc but from a practical

[22:49]perspective he's he's not a m he behaves like a CF so

[22:55]here you can say that this person is he's but he has

[23:02]a lot of deficiencies or then again you have who who um

[23:12]they mess up they don't follow all of the Islamic laws but

[23:16]they follow the main laws so they'll avoid for example drinking wine

[23:20]they won't commit fornication God forbid they won't drink wine they won't

[23:27]eat pork they'll pray they'll F Ramadan but these same will for

[23:31]example have the habit of listening to music right or they'll gossip

[23:39]they won't mind gossiping right and talking about people F so these

[23:51]are what these are from the belief perspective from the Practical perspective

[23:56]they're not totally M because they're they're allowing they're giving themselves the

[24:02]green light to disobey Allah tal whenever they want although they still

[24:06]follow the main laws so you can say that they're also but

[24:10]not as much as the first group make sense now we go

[24:15]to a third group of M and those are the ones who

[24:19]strive to follow all of the laws they're not perfect do they

[24:25]slip sometimes yes but they don't want to slip their intention is

[24:29]to obey Allah at all times sometimes they slip sometimes they don't

[24:34]those are what they they are Pious they fear Allah subhana wa

[24:38]tala because when they sin they automatically repent they quickly repent sorry

[24:43]so their piety is is what is restored or in better terms

[24:50]their is restored yes those who they they're the first group of

[24:57]you mean they mess up a lot they're but on a practical

[25:05]level it's as if they're not they barely follow theam barely they

[25:14]believe perhaps they do they do they do follow some but they

[25:19]mess up a lot exactly exactly ex yeah yeah so the third

[25:30]group are what the the the let's call them the the real

[25:37]the others aren't they are from a belief perspective but these are

[25:44]the real when it comes to beliefs and practices because they're practicing

[25:47]their religion as well make sense have one yeah no problem the

[25:59]third group of course but are they really sh or do they

[26:03]still have to work on themselves to get to that level that's

[26:08]the question the sh is the person who who follows the commands

[26:14]of say do X Y and Z he doesn't avoid ABC he

[26:22]avoids it that's the sh it all depends on the person if

[26:33]you want we can divide the third level of of the third

[26:35]group into also groups yeah this is why I mentioned py with

[26:44]good morals on top of IM because sometimes you might have someone

[26:51]who believes in Allah and but on a practical level he messes

[26:54]up a lot or you might find someone who believes in Allah

[26:59]and also practices religion to an extent but he has bad morals

[27:04]he has anger issues he can't control his anger that's a problem

[27:11]or he um me uh you know he has certain uh habits

[27:19]that Allah subhana wa T detests okay he practices the religion to

[27:25]a certain extent also that has those habits or he practices the

[27:37]religion but he's not too patient he has patience but not too

[27:40]much he he needs to work more on his patience yeah is

[27:51]there a message for us s because I might not necessarily myself

[28:03]be that person but the three broad categories three broad things you

[28:10]said yeah but looking for what some who is in that yeah

[28:21]being hypocritical I'm not there myself yeah that yeah that still a

[28:32]good thing or should I just look at someone who just one

[28:37]not better than me I should well as as we said in

[28:43]the introduction uh following these recommendations is not W but it's better

[28:47]it's best so as we said if you find someone who's that

[28:52]say and okay she's from the second group of M she follow

[29:00]some and avoids other violates other can you marry her yes she's

[29:05]a marry her right if I can marry someone from a lady

[29:10]if I'm a Muslim man I can marry a lady who's from

[29:13]then obviously I can marry a Muslim and what would be more

[29:19]obvious is that I can marry a m correct but is that

[29:25]the best choice that's that's the question when you're marrying someone who

[29:29]allows themselves to disobey Allah subhana whenever they want meaning there's a

[29:37]clear deficiency in their ta yeah I don't have I don't have

[29:50]good moral myself can I still be looking shooting for the star

[29:55]and looking for somebody who has good values who who's this and

[29:57]that what I would say at the moment what I would say

[30:01]at the moment to give you an answer that I'm sure of

[30:06]is let us use that to our own Advantage meaning let me

[30:10]use these recommendations that have given me regarding who I should marry

[30:17]to better myself if I see that I still need to work

[30:23]on myself to get to that level where I am a who's

[30:27]and who's then I'll seek the lady who has these traits but

[30:32]I'll change myself as well so that I hold these traits yeah

[30:44]okay I think we're out of time uh let me conclude with

[30:51]one statement and then we'll continue next week inshallah so uh the

[30:56]main message regarding the expectations the main message I wanted to give

[31:02]um is basically when you find someone who's very good some someone

[31:10]who has the traits that have mentioned telling us that these uh

[31:16]you should look for these traits in your future spouse when you

[31:19]find someone with those traits don't let any slight matter or any

[31:29]tiny difference cause you to reject that individual or not to seek

[31:34]them for marriage because you're not going to find yeah it's not

[31:39]the easiest to find a person who has those three traits again

[31:44]sometimes the the the the man and the woman they disagree on

[31:49]something that's quite huge uh for both of them or for one

[31:51]of them for that reason they don't get married but sometimes as

[31:56]we said the reasons for rejection are forgive me for my words

[32:02]silly reasons reasons that Allah subhana reject so why why uh deprive

[32:10]yourself of getting married to such an individual a person who's a

[32:19]gem for these reasons that did not even preach that that was

[32:24]the main message that I wanted to give perhaps some people might

[32:27]you know uh AR arue with certain examples I gave that that's

[32:32]not an issue the examples were only given to clarify the pointd

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