Thursday Night Program - Sheikh Abdulrahman Cherri

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[0:00][Music] in [Music] [Music] [Music] me for [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] be

[1:53][Music] be all [Music] [Music] [Music] I [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]

[3:56]B ah [Music] [Music] [Music] all [Music] [Music] now I would like

[5:29]to welcome ABD after aoud muham muham m alhamd respected brothers and

[6:42]sisters may Allah subhana wa tala accept your during this night tonight

[6:53]I wanted to continue along the lines of what I began with

[6:59]last week last week we spoke about the family and the importance

[7:07]of the family and the relationship between different members of the family

[7:13]tonight I wanted to switch over to speaking about a specific group

[7:19]within the family unit and that is the children and the family

[7:25]the children are The Offspring of the individual when when we are

[7:31]in this world we begin as little children we grow up we

[7:36]become adults we bring children into this world and they continue the

[7:42]cycle of Life Islam has given a lot of importance to this

[7:46]issue because this individual that begins as a infant grows up to

[7:53]be either a very significant individual in society either in goodness or

[8:01]Badness or remain someone who doesn't have any significance and they gave

[8:09]us guidelines as to how to deal with children when we bring

[8:14]them into this world what are what are what our intentions should

[8:17]be what our thoughts should be when we have them when we

[8:23]raise them how to behave with them and so on and so

[8:25]forth when Islam came it came into society that already had some

[8:37]predisposed ideas about children in the Arab world at that time where

[8:41]Islam had become dominant and where it was revealed the Arabs had

[8:47]a way of looking at children and it wasn't very different from

[8:51]a lot of the areas that surrounded it it wasn't too bad

[8:56]and it wasn't too good either it shared a lot of ideas

[8:59]ideas and misconceptions that was shared between amongst other tribes as well

[9:06]one of the things for example that was very prevalent at that

[9:08]time is that people preferred to have male children over female children

[9:13]this was something that was very prevalent and it wasn't only prevalent

[9:17]in that area but there are other areas that also shared this

[9:20]because especially in areas that were tribal because tribes they prefer the

[9:26]male the male was able to defend the tribe and the female

[9:32]is usually seen as a weaker part a weaker component of the

[9:35]Society of the tribe she cannot fight in battle she cannot protect

[9:43]the tribe and if the tribe becomes defeated then it is the

[9:47]female that is taken by the person or the tribe that defeated

[9:49]that tribe they take the woman and they take the wealth and

[9:54]treasure that they have so women were amongst the captives that were

[9:58]taken and of course this represent presented the honor of the tribe

[10:01]it represented the status of the tribe so taking the woman was

[10:08]something that was done if a tribe was defeated so amongst the

[10:12]tribes in the Arab world at that time the woman was not

[10:15]favored a child that was born as a female was looked down

[10:21]upon and the person who brings a female into this world like

[10:24]a woman if a woman a mother gives birth to females she

[10:29]would be considered to be like a c cured woman and they

[10:31]would advise the man to go find himself another woman like she

[10:36]can't bring you males she's not worthy she doesn't have any value

[10:39]this was amongst the Arab tribes now of course the Arabs were

[10:46]divided into tribal Arabs and Arabs that lived in cities they didn't

[10:49]live amongst tribes so the tribes lives outside of the city those

[10:52]who lived in Mecca which was a city at that time they

[10:57]had a different approach to women it wasn't so bad for them

[11:00]to to have women because they didn't live in this tribal mindset

[11:02]they didn't rely on the tribal way of life to achieve what

[11:09]they wanted they began developing farmlands they were relying on that as

[11:13]a source of economy trade was a very big thing for them

[11:16]a lot of different people came from different parts of the world

[11:20]Mecca was the hub for the trade at that time people from

[11:23]India people from Iraq people from Yemen people from Africa from Turkey

[11:27]they all used to gather at so that they can trade with

[11:32]each other so there were different sources of income for the economy

[11:36]for those who lived in the city at that time but the

[11:38]majority of the Arabs lived outside of the city they were tribal

[11:45]they didn't have a stable economy or economic system they relied on

[11:49]raids they would raid each other so there would be a tribe

[11:51]whenever they felt that their resources had diminished they would go and

[11:56]raid another tribe and that's how they would replenish the resources that

[12:01]they need so they by the nature of their way of life

[12:04]developed a system where they wanted to bring more males to defend

[12:09]themselves especially the weaker tribes so if we look at the Quran

[12:14]when it dealt with those tribes that used to bury their daughters

[12:16]when they were born they would bury them alive it wasn't all

[12:22]the tribes it was one or two tribes at that time and

[12:24]they were the weakest tribes in the Arab world so it's not

[12:28]that all the Arabs this is a misconception not all the Arabs

[12:31]would bury their daughters alive it was the weakest of the tribal

[12:34]Arabs that used to do that because if you're weak you don't

[12:38]have a lot of male figures you don't have weapons you don't

[12:40]have you know resources and wealth you know that if you get

[12:44]raided and you get attacked by another tribe you're probably going to

[12:47]lose so your women are going to be taken away like it's

[12:51]a lost cause right you're going to get attacked there's no way

[12:53]you can win it was these tribes that used to bury their

[12:58]daughters alive because they knew their daughters are going to be taken

[13:01]and it's going to be shameful for them so we had different

[13:03]levels of tribes at that time but when Islam came it didn't

[13:10]accept this system of living it didn't justify the need for asking

[13:14]for a male child and not wanting a feminine child a female

[13:20]child it switched the mentality from not relying on God and taking

[13:26]matters into your own hand and believing that you if you are

[13:30]a weak tribe you will lose and your woman will be taken

[13:32]to relying on Allah subhana wa tala as being your source of

[13:37]protection and building relationships with the tribes around you in a way

[13:42]where you don't have to rely on raiding each other to get

[13:46]an economic gain this is not how you should live this is

[13:50]not a correct system the system had to be changed so Islam

[13:53]came to amend that and that's why we find a lot of

[13:58]a Hadith in our books where it pra es the woman and

[14:00]it praises the child that is a feminine child and in fact

[14:06]in some that I'm going to mention the imams say that it's

[14:11]a greater blessing for a family to get a woman or a

[14:14]female child as opposed to a male child so not only did

[14:20]Islam rais the girl and the female to be equal to the

[14:23]male rather in some instances it raised the female above the male

[14:31]as well and this is when we talk about equality the definition

[14:34]of equality is not to make every person or every gender the

[14:37]same as the other this is a misconception there are differences integral

[14:42]differences between the two genders equality means to put everything in its

[14:49]correct place I cannot ask a woman who has a weaker body

[14:54]to do the job that requires a stronger body this is not

[14:58]equality and with within the same gender itself also within the male

[15:02]gender you might find a weaker male but an individual who has

[15:10]a stronger intellectual capacity it's not correct to ask that person who

[15:14]doesn't have a strong body might suffer from an illness as well

[15:17]to also do this difficult work when there is someone who is

[15:21]stronger and more fit to do it this is also not equal

[15:25]so equality shouldn't be viewed as something that everyone should be on

[15:29]the same level doing the same exact thing if you take it

[15:33]with that mentality you're going to oppress individuals not everybody has the

[15:38]same capacity not everybody has the same nature so sometimes when we

[15:42]see a Hadith where the Prophet elevates the woman above the man

[15:45]in some areas we have to understand that in that sense is

[15:50]putting everything in its correct place and if you don't that's where

[15:54]you oppress the individual so I'm going to be going through a

[15:58]number of different Hadith where the Prophet sallallah alai wasallam had tried

[16:04]to instill different teachings in the minds of the people back then

[16:08]regarding children and from these Hadith we're going to get an idea

[16:12]like a glimpse into history about how these people used to think

[16:18]what was in their minds how did they view children how did

[16:21]they view Families how did they understand what a child should be

[16:27]or how the child should not be so this I mean I'm

[16:29]always interested in these kinds of a Hadith because it gives you

[16:33]like this you know look into history like we cannot think of

[16:36]the people that lived back then the same way that we think

[16:38]right now in our lives they thought differently and when we want

[16:43]to understand a Hadith it's very important to kind of understand that

[16:47]mindset why did the prophet emphasize this point maybe in our time

[16:51]and age there might not be a need to emphasize what the

[16:53]prophet emphasized back then because the problem that he was dealing with

[16:57]had already been eradicated so we shouldn't emphasized that just because the

[17:02]prophet has said it we have to understand that he was dealing

[17:04]with a societal issue at that time that might not exist right

[17:08]now so it's very important when analyzing a Hadith to keep in

[17:11]mind that we have to look at different things to understand the

[17:15]circumstances back then and why this was said we can't treat all

[17:19]aith as a Hadith that are saying the same thing across generations

[17:23]and generations one of the pr things that the prophet sallallah alai

[17:30]wasallam said with regards to Children is that there has to be

[17:34]an expression of love to the child and from this we understand

[17:39]that there might have been a lack of expression of Love at

[17:43]that time and even until this day there are some societies some

[17:47]members of a society even here in the US where they believe

[17:52]that expressing your love to the child is a negative thing it's

[17:55]a sign of weakness especially if it comes from the father maybe

[17:58]it can if it comes from the mother it's it's okay because

[18:02]she's emotional as a female this is the mentality but if it

[18:04]comes from a man it's a negative thing a man will lose

[18:11]his masculinity he will lose that manhood if he begins to express

[18:14]emotions he's going to look like a feminine he's going to be

[18:16]weak no a man has to be tough no emotions whatever happens

[18:23]he shouldn't expressed that and this had existed at the time of

[18:27]the Prophet as well so he emphasized and the im's as well

[18:32]the necessity of expressing emotions towards the child in onei the prophet

[18:37]s Al wasam says kiss your children often but for every kiss

[18:43]you will receive a degree in Paradise the distance of which is

[18:48]500 years every kiss that you give to your child would receive

[18:51]this degree in Paradise between one degree and the other is the

[18:55]length of 500 years this is how much you will elevate people

[18:59]sometimes think that getting close to Allah subhana wa tala only happens

[19:04]to prayers through fasting through reading Quran yes those are very important

[19:08]things but this behavior in the house is the embodiment of prayers

[19:13]it's the embodiment of the Quran it's the embodiment of fasting if

[19:19]fasting doesn't lead you to perform these things at home then you're

[19:23]not reaching the goal for which these rituals and worships were revealed

[19:27]I'm a person who pray praise to Allah the whole time but

[19:32]when it comes to my children I neglect them I don't show

[19:34]them love I don't show them care I feel I make them

[19:38]feel that they're deprived of emotions so that they go outside of

[19:41]the home seeking emotions over there this is very important the prophet

[19:45]is instilling and teaching in us that helps the psychology of the

[19:50]child you don't want a child growing up seeking emotions from elsewhere

[19:54]a girl that doesn't receive enough emotion from her father might try

[19:59]to replace that by seeking a man and demanding so much emotions

[20:04]from him because she's never received that during her childhood this will

[20:07]cause her to choose a man using the wrong criteria in her

[20:11]life she might not choose someone who's good for her because what

[20:13]she's trying to do is that male figure that was in her

[20:17]house did not provide her with what she needed psychologically and emotionally

[20:21]so when she grows up and has the chance she starts going

[20:24]after someone who can play that role for her or replace it

[20:28]for her so the father and the mother have that role when

[20:32]the child grows up you have to make sure that they're fulfilled

[20:35]emotionally you express that love to them in another Hadith the prophet

[20:40]sallai wasam kissed IM Hassan and IM Hussein peace be upon them

[20:47]a man looked at the prophet and he saw him kissing them

[20:51]and he said to him I have 10 children and I have

[20:56]never kissed any of them I don't know if he was boasting

[20:58]here was was he showing off or was he trying to prove

[21:00]that he's a more of a man than the prophet or I

[21:04]don't know what the point was but apparently this guy has 10

[21:07]children and he's telling Allah that I have not kissed one of

[21:09]these children not one of them and they're 10 so the prophet

[21:16]replied to him he said I have nothing to do with someone

[21:21]who God has removed Mercy from his heart he disassociated himself from

[21:25]him Someone Like You has no mercy in his heart you have

[21:28]10 children children and you're boasting about not kissing one of them

[21:32]so the prophet in his example here was kissing his grandchildren IM

[21:37]Hussein so that people can also observe that as a lesson and

[21:42]yet we can see that there were individuals who had many children

[21:44]at that time and had not expressed any emotion for them a

[21:49]simple Act of kissing they did not perform this was a male

[21:53]figure it was a man in another am says that Prophet M

[22:02]asked his Lord oh my Lord which action is most beloved to

[22:08]you God replied loving children for their nature is rooted in my

[22:18]Oneness if they die while they're children I will admit them to

[22:21]my mercy and Paradise a child represents that pure state of Oneness

[22:25]of the that Allah subhana wa tala has created created the child

[22:31]if you we as adults we grow up we become polluted as

[22:33]we grow up if we want to remember the pure state that

[22:38]we can reach or that we should be in we look at

[22:39]children because they're still in that pure state that Allah subhana T

[22:46]has created them so by loving children by expressing emotions to children

[22:49]by getting close to them by caring for them you're caring for

[22:52]that Perfection that Allah subhana T has created connected to everything that

[22:59]you do has to always be connected to Allah subhana wa tala

[23:02]so neglecting children has a lot of negative effects on them show

[23:08]them love show them care we get busy with our work we

[23:13]get busy with our lives we don't realize that we're not spending

[23:16]enough time with the children sometimes a child is waiting for a

[23:19]nice word from their parent sometimes they try to get their attention

[23:23]they do something nice they try to get the attention of the

[23:28]father or mother they just want to hear a nice word and

[23:30]the parents are busy either they're busy with their phones they're there's

[23:33]a lot of distractions that we have nowadays but in general as

[23:38]human beings we get distracted so it's necessary for us to remember

[23:43]that this is a duty if we cannot do it out of

[23:46]our own Hearts think about it as a duty as a teaching

[23:47]from make some time for your children don't let a day pass

[23:55]without saying something beautiful to them another issue that the prophet sallallah

[24:01]alai wasam had taught at that time was the equal treatment between

[24:08]the multiple children that they that you have if you have one

[24:11]child this isn't an issue but if you have multiple children you

[24:16]run into this problem every child is different every child has a

[24:20]different personality a different character a different mindset different Behavior sometimes you

[24:24]look at one child and you think that child represents you a

[24:26]lot their behavior is very similar to yourself you might favor them

[24:31]upon that other child that doesn't have that same behavior like I

[24:34]don't even know where this guy came from doesn't he doesn't behave

[24:36]like me right you don't favor them you give more attention to

[24:42]one one of them is doing better at school than the other

[24:44]you start praising that child when you go when and you're amongst

[24:49]your friends you start praising that child and you neglect the other

[24:53]one oh mallah he got nine out of 10 on his exam

[24:55]and that's that's problematic but you have some parents they don't stop

[24:59]there they start criticizing the child who doesn't behave or or act

[25:06]the same way as the other person doesn't achieve the same thing

[25:09]you know this son masallah Allah has given him a brain he's

[25:12]intelligent the other one over there I don't know what sin I

[25:18]committed in my life he sent me a stupid one some people

[25:20]say that I've heard it before yeah this is a stupid one

[25:24]this is you know it's like I don't know what happened something

[25:26]went wrong in the development of this child or something in my

[25:29]life God is punishing me for they openly criticize the child not

[25:33]only in the house but in front of other people too that

[25:35]child how is he going to grow up or how is she

[25:38]going to grow up they're going to they're going to stick with

[25:39]them they're always going to think they're dumb they're stupid they're idiots

[25:42]they can't achieve based on standards that the parent has put for

[25:47]considering a child good or bad is very damaging in a Hadith

[25:55]the prophet sallallah alai wasallam says be just among your children just

[26:00]as you love to be treated fairly in goodness and kindness every

[26:04]human being loves to be treated fairly you don't ever want to

[26:08]be that person who's not treated equally with other people so if

[26:13]you don't like it to be done to yourself how do you

[26:17]allow yourself to do it to your children sometimes a lot of

[26:20]times we don't realize we're doing it but we have to be

[26:21]very Vigilant if we don't notice this differentiation and behavior the child

[26:26]does the child is very aware they know when the parent is

[26:31]giving more attention and care to the brother or sister uh more

[26:33]than them they know it they feel it you might not think

[26:37]it as a parent you know you might think it's just something

[26:39]that you're doing you're naturally favoring one because you saw something better

[26:43]from them but the child is very very aware of it so

[26:47]you have to be extra careful you have to do more over

[26:50]yourself watch over yourself make sure that what you do even though

[26:56]you might have a feeling inside your heart maybe you can't control

[26:59]that you can't control the love you have for a child it

[27:02]might be more than the love for another child that might be

[27:05]okay but on the outside you cannot show that you cannot show

[27:10]one child that you're treating them better than the other this is

[27:14]this should not go to the outside the external World in another

[27:20]Hadith the prophet Sall alai wasam saw a man kiss one of

[27:25]his two children and leave the other so he looked at him

[27:27]and he said why don't you treat both of them equally even

[27:30]when it comes to kissing a child he had two children he

[27:35]kissed one and didn't kiss the other maybe the child the other

[27:37]child was a bit away from him maybe he wasn't sitting on

[27:42]his lap like this one was but the child is aware they're

[27:44]able to see they pick on every small thing that happens around

[27:47]them they're very smart like sponges they gather every single thing that

[27:51]happens around them so they are able to witness this they feel

[27:57]it the father didn't kiss me they might not say it not

[27:59]everything a child says or feels they say no sometimes what they

[28:06]feel they start reflecting in their behavior a lot of times you

[28:08]think okay if the child was bothered he would tell me or

[28:12]she would tell me why did you kiss my brother or sister

[28:14]and you didn't kiss me no that's not how it works children

[28:18]don't express everything vocally most of their expressions happens through their actions

[28:22]they might start behaving by irritating you more let's say because they

[28:26]didn't get that attention they feel there's some favor ISM happening in

[28:30]the house so don't think that just because the child didn't say

[28:34]anything or didn't express it vocally that they don't feel that pain

[28:37]they don't feel that suffering they do it's not your responsibility to

[28:40]behave according to what your child says as an adult as a

[28:45]parent you have to instill this in your behavior you're the responsible

[28:48]one you're the one who has to be mature and aware of

[28:52]this so when you express this love towards your children be equal

[28:55]in your expression another thing that we can learn from the of

[29:05]the prophet and theam is that shared responsibility between the child and

[29:13]the parent some people think that is only goes one way that

[29:16]children has to have to respect their parents and they emphasize that

[29:20]every time a child does something the parent says you have to

[29:24]respect your mother you have to respect your father you shouldn't behave

[29:28]like this and they don't realize that on the other end the

[29:33]relationship or the behavior of the parent towards the child is not

[29:38]one with respect and a lot of children grow in houses like

[29:42]this respect is demanded from them towards their parents but the parent

[29:47]doesn't Express that respect towards the child a CH a parent can

[29:52]yell at their child they can insult their child they can put

[29:55]them down they can punish them they can mistreat them but if

[29:57]a child wants to do that they get yelled at and they

[30:01]get punished for it and a parent can do that in the

[30:04]house because they're bigger they're larger they have authority over them legally

[30:08]islamically the prophet sallallah alaihi wasallam and the imsam taught against this

[30:16]because this was also a mentality that people had at that time

[30:20]I'm the parent I say whatever I want to say you don't

[30:21]have the right to say because you're a child this is the

[30:27]wrong mentality says parents owe their children the same level of respect

[30:33]and care that children owe their parents whatever you as a parent

[30:38]expect from your child in terms of respect and care you as

[30:41]a parent you're also obliged to do the same thing towards your

[30:45]child There's no distinction just like you want the child to respect

[30:49]you when he's speaking or she's speaking with you when you speak

[30:52]to your child you have to be respectful you don't use words

[30:58]that are derogatory you don't humiliate them you don't insult them you

[31:02]don't ignore them if you don't like to be insulted you don't

[31:06]have no right to insult the child if you're speaking with them

[31:08]so this is something we have to reflect upon because a lot

[31:13]of times in the houses this is not applied there usually one

[31:15]way because the child is on the weaker side the child has

[31:19]no one to defend him or her against that parent a man

[31:28]from Anar asked IM was one of the groups of the Muslims

[31:32]at that time who should I honor more the Imam replied your

[31:40]parents honor your parents so the man then said that my parents

[31:45]have passed away so the Imam responds to him by saying then

[31:51]honor your children it is as though you are honoring your own

[31:54]parents there must be a level of respect that the parent has

[31:57]towards the child not just a level of entitlement just because I'm

[32:02]a parent I'm entitled to be treated very well and I don't

[32:05]want to reciprocate this feeling with my child no children parents have

[32:08]to understand that they have to go down to that level remove

[32:15]that Pride remove that arrogance and treat their children with respect and

[32:18]a in a good manner this is something that we can learn

[32:22]from for these days as well because children are growing up in

[32:26]a very different environment the generation of today is not like the

[32:29]generation of yesterday the generation of today doesn't accept this value of

[32:34]having to respect the elders they don't grow up like that anymore

[32:38]you don't see it in the media you don't see in schools

[32:40]they're not taught this this virtue that we used to have and

[32:46]unfortunately it was also very one-sided so people might say like in

[32:49]the past children were taught how to respect their parents they don't

[32:52]teach them anymore well in the past they didn't really teach parents

[32:58]to respect their their children very much there was also a problem

[33:01]now we have a double problem but at least we have a

[33:05]chance to fix things because now the parent is forced to respect

[33:07]the child if they want them to listen to them they can't

[33:11]use their Authority anymore children don't listen to that it's a whole

[33:15]different mentality with kids right now if a parent says something they

[33:19]question them why do you want me to do this I don't

[33:21]want to do this this is slavery this is this this is

[33:25]that you know they're they're um exposed to a lot of information

[33:28]online which allows them to start thinking in a different way but

[33:33]if you live in a time where there was no internet there

[33:34]was no access to outside information you had more control over your

[33:37]children you had more ability to manipulate them if you had bad

[33:40]intentions and the child didn't really develop tools to respond to the

[33:47]parent now children have access to information all over the internet all

[33:51]types of content content for children and content for elders so they

[33:55]begin to understand the world in a different way they see the

[33:58]world not the way the parent sees the world they begin to

[34:02]question things why should I believe what my mom and dad say

[34:04]there's a million opinions out there that are even more accurate than

[34:09]what my mom and dad are telling me so why should I

[34:10]listen to my dad just because he's my dad why should I

[34:13]believe my mom just because she's my mom there's a questioning of

[34:17]this Authority this in a way has to it forces the parent

[34:22]to change the dynamic in the house change the way they deal

[34:25]with the children they can't use that Authority as a parent anymore

[34:27]to have the child listen to them the parent now is humbled

[34:33]and I've seen many situations like that parents come to me and

[34:37]talk to me about how their children are rebellious in the house

[34:40]and I asked them do you have discussions with them they say

[34:43]yes we we force oursel to have discussions with them we see

[34:46]that the relationship now it started out as an authoritative relationship we

[34:50]demand them we order them we command them and then we realize

[34:54]that doesn't work they're not listening to us they're not even caring

[34:57]about in fact they're arguing with us and the more we talk

[35:01]the stuper they think we are and this is and they complain

[35:07]about this well yes this method this model that you used to

[35:10]think worked that was based on using your authority to control your

[35:13]children this is gone now what you have to do with your

[35:17]child is not to prove that you're a parent and demand respect

[35:19]just because you're a parent you have to befriend them the more

[35:24]love you show them the more care you show them the more

[35:26]humble you are with them just like want them to be humble

[35:30]with you the more the child will respect you the more they'll

[35:32]want to build a relationship with you a relationship based on a

[35:37]type of friendship and mutual respect not only based on Authority so

[35:41]if you want to keep your child at home and you want

[35:42]to have them listen to you you have to pick a different

[35:47]method now it's not a method of authoritative demands or commands that

[35:50]is to be used and this was it might have worked at

[35:55]a certain time but it wasn't the best method you have to

[35:57]alter it and try to understand how the prophet told us to

[36:02]deal with children so in a way it's very bad that children

[36:04]are behaving this way but in another way it gives us a

[36:09]chance to revise ourselves especially as Muslims maybe we've adopted some cultural

[36:12]practices that were very bad and negative that we have to get

[36:17]rid of now it forces us to Humble ourselves so in a

[36:19]way it's a blessing in disguise another issue that the prophet and

[36:26]the imams had to deal with with and taught us regarding raising

[36:31]children is managing our expectations of our children what do we mean

[36:37]by that whenever a child is born and they grow up a

[36:40]parent has a certain image of that child as they grow up

[36:45]even before you get a child you want them to grow in

[36:49]a certain way you want them to become a doctor you want

[36:50]them to become a lawyer you want them to behave in a

[36:53]certain way you want them to become a swimmer you have expectations

[36:55]of your children even before your child is born you've already drawn

[36:59]the whole image of their life ahead of you this is how

[37:03]my child is going to be you're imagining and and then what

[37:06]happens is when that child is born you begin to force that

[37:10]image that you have in your mind that dream that you had

[37:12]about the child you start forcing it on the child but what

[37:16]if the child is not like that what if the child has

[37:20]a different personality than what you imagined what if the child has

[37:23]different dreams than your dreams what if they have different thoughts than

[37:26]your thoughts you shouldn't impose your thoughts on how your child should

[37:30]be yes you should wish for a good child this is Broad

[37:35]in general not specifics and if a child doesn't meet the expectation

[37:39]that you have maybe the problem is in your expectation you have

[37:42]a criteria that you put in your mind that sets this child

[37:47]as a better child than the other maybe your criteria is wrong

[37:50]who said that you should put this expectation in your mind imass

[38:02]he saw a man who congratulated another man when he got a

[38:07]child so there was someone who got a child another person was

[38:10]congratulating that man for a child for getting that child and the

[38:13]imass was there listening the man tells that guy who got the

[38:18]child congratulations on your Warrior son you got a son now this

[38:23]guy is like telling him congratulations the guy's going to grow up

[38:26]to be a warrior because this was a social expectation right this

[38:29]is what everybody considered to be a good son a successful son

[38:33]is to grow up to be strong to be a warrior to

[38:34]be fierce in battle that so that you can be proud of

[38:37]him and his name is known amongst the Warriors so the IM

[38:44]turns to him and says how do you know that he will

[38:49]be a warrior who told you that where did you get this

[38:51]idea from he said instead of saying that let me teach you

[38:57]something else to say instead of having the expectation the child was

[39:00]just born and you're already you put an expectation that you want

[39:03]that child to reach and that you're going to judge that child

[39:05]upon instead of saying that how about you say this instead may

[39:10]you thank the giver and thank Allah subhana tala for giving in

[39:13]this child be blessed in the gift and may the child reach

[39:19]maturity and bring you good this is a Dua that you have

[39:24]to have May the child bring you good May the child reach

[39:27]maturity May the child be a blessing for you don't put expectations

[39:32]and then force them on the child that I want this child

[39:35]to be this and that and then what will happen is you

[39:38]will mistreat that child if they don't reach that if they go

[39:40]to school they're not doing good in math and you want them

[39:43]to be an engineer you're going to start punishing them as if

[39:46]it's their own fault you want them to have a certain level

[39:49]of intellectual maturity and they're not reaching it so you start oppressing

[39:52]them because they're not reaching that expectation allow the child to reach

[39:56]goodness now which way do they take to reach goodness it's whatever

[39:59]path they pay for themselves whatever Allah subhana T has given them

[40:03]in their life maybe the path for them is not the path

[40:07]that you've drawn just like you don't want someone to control your

[40:09]life and to tell you where to go and what to achieve

[40:13]in your life you shouldn't impose that on your child so we

[40:16]have to be very aware of that another thing that the imams

[40:25]and the prophet had told us to do is nurturing ethics and

[40:28]eates in our children the prophet sallallah alai wasallam says honor your

[40:34]children honor them and instill in them good manners so that your

[40:38]sins may be forgiven so our responsibility as parents is to nourish

[40:43]our children is to teach them good manners teach them how to

[40:47]be good individuals we shouldn't be dominating their lives controlling every facet

[40:52]of their life we should understand that this is an independent Soul

[40:57]Allah subh has created that individual independently they have their own path

[41:02]in life they have their own journey in life they will stand

[41:06]before Allah subhana t on their own your job is not to

[41:09]control them but rather your job is to nourish your children you

[41:14]teach them good manners you show them right things and you allow

[41:16]them to walk on it don't force them to do things that

[41:20]you think are right cultivating piety is very important again this is

[41:29]to do with nurturing your child IM aliam says I never asked

[41:33]God for children with handsome features or tall statures but I asked

[41:38]him for children obedient to Allah and in awe of him now

[41:44]that doesn't mean that you cannot ask for that every person loves

[41:47]that his children are beautiful handsome but the IM is saying that

[41:50]wasn't my priority that's not what I was thinking when I wanted

[41:54]to get a child the first thing that I was thinking what

[41:59]I asked Allah to give me was that he gives me children

[42:01]who are obedient to God this is what I have to ask

[42:06]for Allah grant me a child that is obedient to you now

[42:10]of course if that child is beautiful it's an extra plus but

[42:13]I don't have to think or I shouldn't think that I want

[42:17]a child that looks like you know this and that and the

[42:19]handsome and everybody looks at them and say oh what a beautiful

[42:22]child alhamdulillah if their handsome is a big blessing but if not

[42:25]that's not the criteria by which Allah judges Allah says that he

[42:30]doesn't or the prophet says that Allah subhana T doesn't look at

[42:35]your external features he judges you by what is in your heart

[42:39]so cultivating piety is very important another thing that the prophet and

[42:48]the imams teach us to do is when we have children we

[42:51]have to be very forgiving towards them they might make mistakes and

[42:57]they're going to make mistakes a child especially nowadays is going to

[43:01]commit a lot of mistakes some parents think that the stricter I

[43:06]am on the child the less mistakes they're they're going to commit

[43:08]in their life the more control I have over them the less

[43:13]mistakes they're going to make but here the prophet is teaching us

[43:16]that the opposite is true in a Hadith the prophet says may

[43:19]God have mercy on those who help their children F fulfill their

[43:26]obligations by forgiving their mistakes and praying for them the prophet is

[43:31]teaching us the inverse of that if you're a forgiving individual it

[43:35]pushes their children and the person who you love to fulfill their

[43:39]obligations because they see that Mercy that you have the kindness the

[43:44]love that you show they begin to say I I feel this

[43:48]love and affection from my parent I want to repay it's a

[43:53]natural instinct that we have as human beings when someone shows us

[43:55]love and care we want to pay that back to we repay

[43:59]it to them but if a parent forces their children to change

[44:03]and commands them and has that authoritative uh behavior in the house

[44:08]and the child might do what you tell them to do because

[44:11]they're scared of you but the moment you turn your back they're

[44:13]not going to do it when you're not around them they're going

[44:17]to do something else when they leave the house they're going to

[44:20]do exactly the opposite of what you told them to do so

[44:24]if you want to win your child you don't win them by

[44:26]becoming a dictator in the house by being harsh on them whenever

[44:32]they make a mistake you stop talking to them for days you

[44:34]punish them by taking things away from them you become this harsh

[44:37]individual no the more forgiveness you express the more this child will

[44:43]become righteous the more they'll be turned towards the good manners and

[44:48]good behavior of their parents of course there has to be also

[44:51]a balance if you leave a child completely it might also have

[44:53]a negative effect but whenever it comes to forgiveness forgiveness is always

[44:59]most important and in another Hadith the prophet sallallah alai wasallam or

[45:06]IM of course they all speak the same wisdom speaking to one

[45:20]of his companions about how to make your child obedient your behavior

[45:26]towards the child he tells him do not hit your child hitting

[45:31]should never be a method used rather distance yourself briefly if necessary

[45:39]so forgiveness is always important right but sometimes if you forgive too

[45:44]much the child might not care about what they're doing anymore you

[45:48]have to find that balance if you want to be a little

[45:53]bit harsh on the child then not forgive all the time distance

[45:58]yourself become a bit cold with your child but the IM says

[46:02]only briefly even in that you shouldn't be so harsh in the

[46:06]way you punish the child and it's not really a punishment distancing

[46:09]is is a form of punishment but it's not in that very

[46:13]negative sense it's more like teaching them a lesson in a nice

[46:19]way what you're doing is you're not actively doing something you're not

[46:23]hitting them you're not yelling at them this is for a form

[46:25]of negation so it's not an active act it's a passive act

[46:31]you distance yourself only briefly and if necessary if the Forgiveness part

[46:37]is not working and other methods are not working then you have

[46:41]to you can do this but only make it brief and only

[46:45]if it's necessary so the IM teaches us that this is the

[46:48]method that you should have in the child to build a harmonious

[46:51]family in another Hadith and this happens a lot in our homes

[46:57]the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam says if a man meaning a man

[47:04]or a woman a human being praise against his or her child

[47:07]you hear this in the house a lot whenever the mom and

[47:12]dad are angry may God curse you may God do this to

[47:14]you may God destroy you may God make you lose this and

[47:18]that the parent begins to pray against the child the prophet says

[47:22]if a human being prays against his or her child it will

[47:28]lead to poverty in their house Allah will curse that individual you

[47:32]have no right to pray against your child let alone insult them

[47:36]and treat them in a bad way and use you know derogatory

[47:40]language with them a child should be respected it should be that

[47:44]respect should be maintained because they're a child that Allah subhana wa

[47:48]tala has created that child belongs to God not to you and

[47:55]primarily he belongs to you in a secondary sense primar cely is

[47:58]a child of God and you have no right to insult a

[48:02]creation of Allah subhana wa ta'ala in the manner that you do

[48:05]so the prophet says that there's even aen effect if you pray

[48:09]against a child that could lead to the destruction of your life

[48:14]Allah will curse you for that I'll mention the last point I'll

[48:19]try to end with this so that inshallah we can also recite

[48:23]the Dua after this but this is a very important Hadith we

[48:25]have over here going back to the first point that we started

[48:31]with that is how women were treated and how females were treated

[48:35]back in that time when some tribes looked at women in a

[48:43]very negative way and this Hadith it says that a man was

[48:49]displeased when a daughter was born to him a man had a

[48:53]child it was a daughter so this is at the time of

[48:57]IM by the way so Generations after the prophet there were some

[49:00]still some people that had this mentality and believe me until this

[49:02]day there are cultures that still have this mentality I know for

[49:08]a fact of some cultures Lebanon being one of them they differentiate

[49:13]between the child uh in terms of inheritance they differentiate between the

[49:20]mothers of a child if a woman only Bears females for a

[49:25]man he said that this woman was a a curse for me

[49:29]I know an individual who divorced and married another woman his first

[49:32]wife only brought him girls and until this day he says that

[49:35]about her this this was a curse for me because she only

[49:39]brought me girls his new wife brought him two boys and a

[49:44]girl and he praised her for that later on in life that

[49:50]same one that brought him the boys is bringing him so much

[49:53]misery in his life and suffering because they've used the wrong understanding

[49:59]Allah T tells us that this is not the right criteria to

[50:04]use a woman is not valuable only if she brings you a

[50:05]boy and if she brings you only girls then she loses her

[50:10]value a woman is valuable because Allah has valued her because Allah

[50:13]has given her honor not because of what she's boring for you

[50:17]so this individual was like that excuse me he had a child

[50:25]that was a daughter he was very disint pointed IM was there

[50:29]this man came to the Im so the IM responded to him

[50:36]he told the IM I'm very disappointed I wanted a boy and

[50:39]I got a girl so the IM tells him what would you

[50:42]say if God has revealed to you this following question if God

[50:51]spoke to you and he asked you a question what do you

[50:52]prefer what I as God choose for you or what you as

[50:56]a human being choose for yourself the man replied I would say

[51:02]oh God you choose for me of course right we always think

[51:04]that Allah subhana is the one who chooses the better option for

[51:07]us the IM then said to him that God has chosen for

[51:11]you and then reminded him of the girl in the story of

[51:14]M who was replaced with someone better in Purity and nearer in

[51:20]Mercy Allah in the Quran tells M after having that son that

[51:26]he will replace that son was someone who is better in Purity

[51:30]and nearer in Mercy what did God give him he gave him

[51:36]a girl and from her progeny this girl that came came 70

[51:39]Prophets You would have no prophets if there would be no girls

[51:45]so number one this is a gift from Allah subhana wa tala

[51:48]he chose that girl to be for you and Allah knows what's

[51:54]best for you number two that so much blessings and mercy can

[51:58]come and in the Quran Allah has said that the girl was

[52:03]a better replacement for the boy that the the prophet had and

[52:06]from this girl came 70 prophets he reminded him of looking at

[52:10]things in a Divine Way in a Divine manner so it's very

[52:15]important for us to remember not to have this distinction between the

[52:20]genders in other Hadith the prophet describes the girls as being a

[52:23]mercy in the life of the parent like flowers like roses in

[52:29]the house with a very beautiful fragrance they bring kindness they bring

[52:34]love they bring mercy and we have a Hadith where the Prophet

[52:37]says whoever raises a girl is elevated in heaven to such high

[52:44]levels and the person who raises two even has a higher level

[52:46]youever raises three even has a higher level they go to paradise

[52:49]without questioning the prophet loved this he loved that a person respects

[52:56]their girls and daughters in the in the in society in their

[52:59]family and he tried to elevate their status by teaching us even

[53:05]until this day that girls are distinguished from Men in many different

[53:08]areas and they're better than them in many different areas so don't

[53:12]be sad over what Allah has given you if he gave you

[53:14]a male alhamdulillah if he gave you a girl alhamdulillah Allah subhana

[53:20]tala has given this blessing to us if it's a male it's

[53:22]a certain type of blessing if it's a female it's another type

[53:28]of blessing we ask Allah subhana wa tala to grant us this

[53:30]ability to be able to understand the wisdom in his actions and

[53:36]to grant us the ability to submit to his will and to

[53:39]practice the teachings of and the IMS in our lives especially towards

[53:45]our family members and our children so that we may raise individuals

[53:48]who are Pious who are good who bring bring us closer to

[53:55]Allah subhana wa tala muhamed muhamad [Music] [Music] muh [Music] for [Music]

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[82:40][Music] Sal for

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