Red vs Green Flags When Getting to Know Someone | Sayed Mohammad Baqer Qazwini

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Red vs Green Flags When Getting to Know Someone | Sayed Mohammad Baqer Qazwini Getting Ready for Marriage, Part 2 | Muslim Youth Connection Program held by the Muslim Youth Connection at the Islamic Institute of America in Dearborn Heights, MI Follow the Muslim Youth Connection on social media: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mycmedia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/muslimyouthconnection Twitter: https://twitter.com/_mycmedia YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/mycmedia

Transcript

[0:07]i begin in the name of the almighty god the compassionate the

[0:14]merciful the one who has created everything in utmost perfection and may

[0:19]the peace and blessings of the almighty god be upon his pure

[0:24]and beloved messenger the peak of his creation the symbol of humanity

[0:30]the holy prophet muhammad muhammad and his immaculate progeny of the peace

[0:42]be upon them especially the leader of our time the awaited savior

[0:51]may allah hasten his reappearance and make us all amongst his sincere

[0:59]and dedicated servants my dear brothers and sisters i sincerely welcome you

[1:08]to our program this evening as we will walk through this very

[1:20]important journey of discovering what are some red flags and green flags

[1:25]when it comes to getting to know someone for marriage and here

[1:32]from the stage i see all these green and red flags reminds

[1:37]me of the camp of imam hussain alayhi salaam with the green

[1:41]flags and the camp of yazid with the red flags but inshallah

[1:44]we won't have any yazid influence tonight my dear brothers and sisters

[1:51]the marital journey is by far one of the most important journeys

[1:59]we will embark in our lives the person that you will choose

[2:06]for marriage is one who will have the greatest influence on your

[2:13]life that's why it's very important for us to choose well to

[2:19]choose a spouse who's a good parent who's loving who's not selfish

[2:26]who will take care of you who will be there for you

[2:31]who will always inspire you to be a better person finding such

[2:38]a spouse is one of the greatest gifts that allah subhanahu ta'ala

[2:43]can give you so it's very important for us my dear brothers

[2:48]and sisters to choose well that is why we have so many

[2:54]beautiful teachings in the religion of islam that encourage us to choose

[3:02]wisely this person that you will choose to be your lifelong partner

[3:07]make sure that you put in a good amount of effort in

[3:14]choosing them don't take this lightly yes don't be obsessive and have

[3:21]unrealistic expectations like some people they fall on this extreme i know

[3:25]some people for 10 15 years they reject every proposal waiting for

[3:30]that ideal infallible to show up we have to be realistic too

[3:36]but it's very important for us to choose wisely choose the person

[3:43]that will help you and you will help them on this journey

[3:48]of life always see it that way put the emotions to the

[3:55]side and rationally analyze the qualities of the person that you're getting

[4:00]to know to so now my dear brothers and sisters we will

[4:04]start by examining a number of qualities a number of red flags

[4:11]or green flags and i will ask you what you think about

[4:14]these qualities if you think that this quality is a red flag

[4:20]raise the red flags that you have if you think that it

[4:25]is a green flag raise the green flags we'll have a discussion

[4:29]on that then we'll mention some very common red flags some very

[4:34]common green flags and we'll have a discussion on this we will

[4:37]seek your input as well based on your experience what are some

[4:42]red flags and some green flags so let's start with this first

[4:49]very important scenario you're getting to know someone or you're doing research

[4:57]about someone you have some interest in this person to be your

[5:02]potential spouse now let's say this person and this is becoming more

[5:06]and more common these days has had a relationship before you come

[5:12]to discover that this person was trying to get to know someone

[5:17]before it did not work out this person got engaged it did

[5:21]not work out they never got married or this person is remarrying

[5:25]when we have these discussions about marriage they don't only apply to

[5:31]people who have not been married before this is also applicable to

[5:37]people who want to remarry and today we have many people seeking

[5:42]to remarry divorce rates are very high and so this is also

[5:48]applicable to your second marriage if you're seeking a second marriage so

[5:53]let's say this person has had previous relationships either you come to

[5:59]discover that or they tell you now as they bring up those

[6:01]relationships you notice the following quality the person talks about that other

[6:10]person they had the relationship with let's say they were engaged it

[6:15]did not work out they ended it they talk about that person

[6:20]they highlight their you know negative qualities and they're trying to justify

[6:23]to you why they ended that relationship is this a red flag

[6:32]or a green flag okay initially i saw a few hesitant green

[6:37]flags but then when most of you put up the red flags

[6:42]the green flags went down okay can someone tell us why this

[6:48]is a green flag look the person wants to justify why they

[6:53]ended the relationship because they know you're concerned i know that you

[6:59]had an engagement things did not work out i'd like to know

[7:05]why so if that person is trying to justify it one could

[7:08]argue this is a good thing they're giving you insight into why

[7:15]it did not work out and you deserve to know that but

[7:19]all of you almost agreed that this is a red flag so

[7:23]can someone tell us why this is a red flag yes sister

[7:36]okay so you're only hearing from one side you're not hearing from

[7:41]the other side and you're only hearing probably the negative this is

[7:47]definitely a red flag you honestly don't want to live with someone

[7:52]who criticizes others puts the blame on others or even exposes others

[8:02]even even if this person is right let's say the reason why

[8:07]the relationship ended is that the other person had problems the other

[8:11]person created problems he or she is not at fault even then

[8:17]you don't want to live with someone who will easily criticize others

[8:23]for their mistakes and he's willingly sharing that with you because if

[8:31]this person does that to others chances are he will carry on

[8:37]these qualities and project them on you tomorrow when you live together

[8:42]when you're married you will make mistakes you're not infallible chances are

[8:46]this person could go to you know your in-laws to their family

[8:52]to their friends and they will probably criticize you you don't want

[8:59]someone who criticizes the other side so in a situation like that

[9:03]even if you ask them can you you know tell me why

[9:08]that relationship ended see how fair and wise they are in their

[9:12]response this is a very important flag if you see them balanced

[9:18]they try to protect the dignity of the other side they don't

[9:22]put all the blame on the other side and they tell you

[9:24]things did not work out there were issues but they protect the

[9:30]dignity of the other side they're not so negative and critical that's

[9:34]a green flag but if you see them willing to open their

[9:39]bag and unleash all the criticisms that they have this is a

[9:43]red flag any other thoughts about this yes brother okay that's a

[10:09]very great counter argument i don't want to be left in the

[10:16]dark i deserve to know what happened so if you're not telling

[10:19]me what happened why things did not work out that could be

[10:23]a red flag for me what do you say about that that's

[10:28]a valid concern so if someone brings this concern how do you

[10:32]address that on the one side you want a person who's wise

[10:36]who does not expose others who does not put the blame on

[10:42]others but at the same time you don't want to be left

[10:45]in the dark you'd like to know why things ended yes how

[10:50]would you how would you bring that balance uh okay that's a

[11:27]very great suggestion let's summarize it in this way so let's say

[11:31]you tell your potential spouse i would really like to know why

[11:33]things ended i don't want to be left in the dark because

[11:37]this is an important decision i'm about to make here's a wise

[11:42]way of handling it and here's a wise way of speaking about

[11:48]the challenges in the previous relationship if you want to highlight what

[11:55]happened don't mention specifics about that other person to expose them but

[12:00]here's what you can say you can say based on this relationship

[12:03]that i've had here's what i've learned these are the points that

[12:12]i have learned and now i'm better able to address them if

[12:16]the other side makes a mistake keep it more general this is

[12:21]how i would handle it so i've learned a lot from this

[12:25]relationship and i recognize people make mistakes even though people may have

[12:30]good intentions be general be indirect with your approach be wise with

[12:37]your approach use that experience as a learning moment if you see

[12:41]someone who's handling it that way i would tend to trust this

[12:43]person more this person indicates that he's wise she's wise they're not

[12:51]stuck on the negative aspect on the negative qualities of other people

[12:55]they're willing to let go of that past and they'll tell you

[13:00]here's what i've learned from this failed relationship a person like that

[13:04]is one that you can trust so this would be a green

[13:09]flag if this is how it's handled but if you find that

[13:14]person openly talking about that previous relationship criticizing that other person even

[13:20]if that other person was wrong i would take that as a

[13:24]red flag we have to protect the dignity of other people any

[13:29]other thoughts about this first quality this is a very important one

[13:35]you hear it every day in the community yes brother should you

[13:46]recommend to them to speak to the other side i personally would

[13:50]not recommend that because once a relationship has ended you don't want

[13:55]to go back and forth and send this person to speak to

[13:59]that person why did them you know relationship failed and then you

[14:05]might hear something disturbing or an accusation and then you try to

[14:11]become defensive and clear yourself it it can you know drag you

[14:16]into this muddy pool and it's better for you to avoid that

[14:22]i highly discourage that i don't think it's a good idea to

[14:25]send anyone to the other person to speak to them that would

[14:27]not be a wise move so just be general as you can

[14:32]and tell them what you learned from this relationship in doing so

[14:37]you can hint to them what were some of the problems and

[14:41]why the relationship ended depersonalize it as much as you can that

[14:46]is the key over here so this is one very important flag

[14:52]my dear brothers and sisters you have to be sensitive about how

[14:55]this person views past relationships and how does this person describe them

[15:00]pay very close attention to that this could indicate what kind of

[15:07]character what kind of personality this person has and it will give

[15:12]you a heads up tomorrow if we have a misunderstanding how is

[15:15]this person going to react will they be wise understanding or though

[15:19]or no they're waiting for me to slip so they can bring

[15:21]me down because we see this in a lot of marriages so

[15:27]that's one flag let's move on to the second one consider this

[15:34]scenario you're trying to get to know this person and you ask

[15:38]them why they want to get married and let's say they give

[15:42]you this response i want to get married so i can fulfill

[15:47]a personal void in my life is that a red flag or

[15:54]a green flag okay overwhelmingly you're saying that this is a red

[16:01]flag why the person's being honest they're telling you i have a

[16:05]void in my life and i'd like to fulfill that void why

[16:10]is that a red flag yes can you say that again that's

[16:17]extremely key the void is not fulfilled through marriage if you have

[16:22]a void in your life that void is not fulfilled through marriage

[16:25]so how is that void then filled that is an excellent observation

[16:55]today we find many people they are seeking to get married but

[17:01]in reality they're just trying to fill a personal void it could

[17:04]be an emotional void a psychological void a social void that they

[17:10]have in their life people have different types of voids in their

[17:16]lives if you sense through your conversations with this person or through

[17:20]the research that you've done or just by observing their character that

[17:24]they want to get married to fulfill a personal void generally that's

[17:29]a red flag because it indicates this person is being motivated by

[17:38]selfishness what's in it for me what will i get out of

[17:42]this marriage many people have this mentality by the way when they

[17:46]think of marriage they think of marriage as something that will benefit

[17:53]them they're not thinking about the other side really it's a selfish

[17:56]approach to marriage and you don't want to marry someone who's selfish

[18:00]with the marital relationship because they're constantly concerned about what they want

[18:06]what they need and if they're not getting that personal void filled

[18:10]they get frustrated there are misunderstandings there are problems in the marriage

[18:15]and they'll project that on you and they'll blame you when they

[18:18]don't get the fulfillment they're looking for they will blame you that's

[18:22]natural human psychology so you don't want someone who is getting married

[18:29]simply to fulfill a personal void and you can pick that up

[18:32]ask this person why are you getting married what's your vision for

[18:37]the marital relationship through their responses you can gauge whether this person

[18:42]is seeking to get married just to fulfill a personal void okay

[18:46]so that's the red flag give me the green flag right now

[18:51]if a person should not get married just to fulfill a personal

[18:58]void then why should you get married what are you trying to

[19:02]achieve with marriage if it's not just to fulfill a personal void

[19:06]yes brother they can grow together that's a beautiful way of simply

[19:14]explaining it i want to get married to grow with my partner

[19:21]it's teamwork we're on this journey together and we'd like to build

[19:27]build a spiritual life together build a family together build a society

[19:33]together help each other spiritually and religiously so as you're getting to

[19:42]know this person try to find out if that's their real motive

[19:44]do they really want to grow together not that they're just fulfilling

[19:51]that void because that void will not be fulfilled through marriage you

[19:55]have to have the capacity to fill your own voids you have

[20:01]to work on your relationship with allah with your family with your

[20:04]community you want someone who is able to fulfill their own voids

[20:10]but they want to work with you as a team to have

[20:15]a productive life yes brother can you say that again can you

[20:30]and can you speak louder so we can hear the question or

[20:33]the observation okay should you do a staccato on getting married or

[20:45]not so is that a green flag or a red flag [Laughter]

[20:51]very briefly that would be a separate discussion but very briefly many

[20:56]scholars recommend do your research once you've done all your research if

[21:03]you have a good indicator things look green have toa quran allah

[21:10]proceed if things look negative you see a lot of red flags

[21:12]don't consider it if you're stuck for one reason or another you're

[21:19]just so hesitant you're not able to break that hesitation then a

[21:22]number of scholars would say and it's tejada would be appropriate for

[21:27]that okay so going back to this very important point we said

[21:33]that getting married just to fill a personal void is generally a

[21:37]red flag so what's a green flag over here why should you

[21:41]get married the brother said so you can grow together any other

[21:44]suggestions why should you get married yes you can raise children you

[21:54]can create a good family that makes society healthy and it's a

[21:58]way for you to contribute back to that society my dear brothers

[22:05]and sisters having goals that you write down for marriage is really

[22:10]helpful you know why because the reality of life is that you

[22:19]will get into misunderstandings with your spouse that's part of life there

[22:23]will be problems there will be challenges in the marriage when you

[22:27]don't really know why you got married it's easy for you just

[22:32]to end the marriage and give up on the project but when

[22:37]you have goals that you've identified they always solidify your marriage they

[22:44]motivate you to overcome the challenges and make it work how many

[22:50]of you here have worked in a company where you work on

[22:54]a team have you seen today bigger companies more successful companies they're

[22:59]shifting to teamwork and sometimes you see these images of like a

[23:05]huge hall with all these cubicles and it looks like a hundred

[23:08]people are working with each other right these days you work on

[23:16]teams because teams are more powerful more successful has it ever happened

[23:20]to you or let's say you know someone who works in a

[23:24]company and they work on a team where the manager of that

[23:28]team the leader of that team tells you look i know there

[23:31]are people on the team who might be difficult to work with

[23:35]people who are giving you headaches people whom you think are putting

[23:40]obstacles in the way of your project i know but at the

[23:45]end of the day i want you to make it work and

[23:49]if you do you'll get that raise you'll get the new position

[23:52]who's experienced that at work uh can you tell us a little

[23:59]bit about that experience uh the sister behind yes so let's say

[24:14]someone on the team is being difficult how do you handle that

[24:22]okay now when you're working on that team and you really want

[24:27]to make it work is it important who's right and who's wrong

[24:30]or is it important what works what works right if you want

[24:37]to get stuck on who's right and who's wrong your team will

[24:41]fail when it comes to tier teamwork the leader of your team

[24:45]will tell you look i don't care who's right and who's wrong

[24:47]i want you to make the team successful even if you think

[24:52]the other person is wrong and you're right that's not going to

[24:57]change anything come up with creative ways to make it work and

[25:02]good team members and leaders are those who make it work when

[25:07]you write down in your diary before you get married your list

[25:11]of objectives and goals write this down this is teamwork i have

[25:18]the following goals i will make it work no matter what having

[25:21]that attitude my dear brothers and sisters is miraculous in a marriage

[25:25]and then identify what those goals are so one goal is as

[25:31]the sister mentioned we want to offer a good family for our

[25:38]community we want to work on raising good children that's a daily

[25:42]goal for you every day before you go to work you have

[25:46]this as a goal and you'll sacrifice for this goal and you'll

[25:48]make this goal achievable and workable another incentive to have i am

[25:55]getting married for the sake of allah subhanahu wa to allah because

[25:57]he commands me in the quran and it is the sunna of

[26:00]the prophet sallallahu alaihi you know why this is you know why

[26:08]this is important because in your marriage when there are obstacles and

[26:14]things are becoming difficult you always remember this commitment you made with

[26:21]allah subhanahu wa oh allah yes i know marriage has benefits for

[26:26]me but i married for your sake that's why some scholars they

[26:30]think based on hadiths that marriage is an act of ibadah it's

[26:35]an act of worship it is indeed an act of worship i

[26:39]got married for the sake of allah and allah is there even

[26:43]if i'm going through challenges allah is still there he's still the

[26:47]object of my transaction i still dedicated this marriage to my lord

[26:51]this will always give you the motivation to rise to higher levels

[26:59]to make sure that the team is working and even if your

[27:03]spouse does not appreciate what you do allah appreciates what you do

[27:06]before you get married my dear brothers and sisters dedicate your marriage

[27:11]to allah that does wonders spiritually to your marriage so get a

[27:18]piece of pen and paper or use your notes on smart phones

[27:22]and list what the objectives are i am getting married for these

[27:28]reasons and always save those notes two years from now five years

[27:32]from now there's trouble in your marriage take out that note and

[27:37]read it tell yourself this is why i got married for these

[27:42]objectives how can i make this team work how can we get

[27:48]there don't lose focus from these objectives my dear brothers and sisters

[27:53]it's very important to list them so this is the second flag

[27:58]the third flag that i'd like to ask you about you're getting

[28:00]to know this person and you realize that this person is very

[28:03]humorous excessively humorous the guy's humorous she's humorous the person can make

[28:12]can get the best laughs out of you through their jokes is

[28:16]that a red flag or a green flag okay this one's a

[28:23]little bit tricky right we've got almost half and half i see

[28:28]some of you considering that a red flag some of you considering

[28:34]it a green flag those who say it's a red flag why

[28:39]did you say it's a red flag yes brother we all like

[28:43]humor right who doesn't excessively humorous okay so why is that a

[28:50]problem they're trying to just impress you exactly then they are okay

[29:13]that's a very valid observation humor is great in fact believers are

[29:19]humorous we have that in the hadith the prophet sallallahu alaihi allah

[29:26]muhammad he was known to be humorous he was known to be

[29:34]humorous humor indicates a level of humbleness you're flexible you're humble you're

[29:40]approachable you're a good person inside it could indicate that definitely however

[29:45]if it's excessive and you see that the person's always trying to

[29:49]impress others joking around remember last week we talked about joking with

[29:53]the opposite gender honestly that is a red flag because if you

[30:02]marry someone who's always humorous with other people or is excessively humorous

[30:07]first first of all this person might not take anything seriously and

[30:11]that will frustrate you sometimes in your life you need that humor

[30:15]to de-stress some moments in your life you want your partner your

[30:22]spouse to understand this is a serious issue let's work on it

[30:25]this is not the time for humor and joking some people in

[30:31]every situation they try to bring that in and that sometimes will

[30:36]frustrate you because you'll think your partner is not sensitive to your

[30:39]pain and what you're going through so if you see that this

[30:43]person is trying to just impress you some people are naturally humorous

[30:46]they're not trying to impress you that's a good sign but if

[30:49]they're just trying to impress you take that as a red flag

[30:53]if the person is easily joking with the opposite gender take that

[30:59]as a red flag we mentioned why this is problematic earlier in

[31:04]our program last week i know this is something that when you

[31:08]read online what do people want in a spouse one of the

[31:12]top items is humor i want someone who can make make me

[31:16]laugh someone who's very humorous someone who knows you know some very

[31:20]good jokes to an acceptable extent that is a good quality but

[31:25]if it's a little bit excessive if the person is deliberately trying

[31:29]to impress you take that as a red flag it will create

[31:35]some trouble in your life believe me it will take your marriage

[31:40]to some bumps and remember you don't want someone who's just open

[31:46]with their humor to everyone because they will attract the opposite gender

[31:51]later in the marriage i'll be very honest with you and that

[31:56]sometimes will put a toll on your marriage it could lead to

[32:05]relationships even after a person is married so that could be a

[32:08]red flag if it's excessive yes okay so let's say your spouse

[32:29]is using the humor just with you to make you feel better

[32:30]to allow you to de-stress to cope with the difficulties of life

[32:35]yes we said that's a good sign that's actually a green flag

[32:39]you want someone who has some humor to deal with the difficulties

[32:43]of life sometimes when you're down and things are bad appropriate natural

[32:49]humor does wonders it changes your mood it changes the entire atmosphere

[32:54]so to that extent it's actually something that you want to look

[32:58]for in a spouse a spouse who's so rigid there's no humor

[33:03]in them you know we're not judging a person like that but

[33:06]it may be difficult to find that chemistry with this person to

[33:12]connect with that person so you want someone who's humble and humorous

[33:16]that's extremely important okay now an extension of this and i'll be

[33:20]very honest with you just go on social media and see what

[33:25]people want there are studies about this an extension of this this

[33:31]person is very flexible with their language they cuss they curse and

[33:39]they use obscene language is that cool or not look be honest

[33:45]okay i see red flags here but can i tell you what

[33:52]research shows research shows scientific research studies show that people who are

[33:58]like that especially guys they attract more attention from the opposite gender

[34:02]how about that this is based on studies in our modern society

[34:09]with our younger generation this is actually considered cool if you're always

[34:18]so appropriate with your words you never use that word or this

[34:20]word you're not cool am i wrong or not you from the

[34:26]younger generation what do your friends say haven't you heard this that

[34:33]people you know who sometimes use obscene language they're considered cool they

[34:39]attract attention think back at high school or if you're still in

[34:45]high school right that person who was so popular in class and

[34:50]attracted all the attention were they so polite with their words or

[34:54]not really see our society today thinks such people are cool and

[35:04]in fact there are some people who claim these people are smarter

[35:07]than other people if you use obscene language you're smarter than others

[35:11]if you know when to use them right so is this a

[35:16]red flag or a green flag okay so if it's a red

[35:23]flag i have one request from all of you stick to that

[35:25]please [Laughter] because society tells you otherwise unfortunately there is this culture

[35:32]where being loose with your language where sometimes you use obscene words

[35:38]that's considered cool it's like a sign of your intelligence your emotional

[35:42]intelligence your social intelligence you're confident you're powerful you have a strong

[35:48]personality that's how society views it these days but that is a

[35:52]red flag we have many narrations about befriending people who use foul

[35:57]language all the time yes now someone sometimes gets frustrated you know

[36:03]says it once a month okay we're not infallible don't consider that

[36:07]as a red flag that's it you know i'm going to remove

[36:11]you from my list if the person has a habit of saying

[36:18]it it's something that you pick up you know that the person

[36:22]is comfortable using those words they don't get disturbed by using them

[36:26]they're very comfortable using obscene words take that as a red flag

[36:31]even though this person might be funny might be cool might come

[36:35]off as being confident but being comfortable with these words take a

[36:41]toll on your marriage because tomorrow these words will be flung at

[36:45]you in front of your kids and in front of your family

[36:52]and friends would you want that in your marriage that's the reality

[36:59]don't be deceived by your emotions no i'm in love with this

[37:06]person that person loves me he'd never do that sure when he's

[37:10]in love like that and they're trying to impress you they're not

[37:13]going to do that but once you enter real life and real

[37:18]marriage those words will be flowing at you you want someone who's

[37:25]responsible with their words they're not angels they're not infallible but they're

[37:29]responsible even if they slip you feel them getting disturbed they know

[37:34]it's not okay they try not to do it again i know

[37:36]some people like that sometimes they're frustrated they're angry something happens they

[37:41]might say an inappropriate word but i can tell they're disturbed they

[37:45]know it's not okay that's fine that's not a red flag we're

[37:48]humans we slip there are some people who are very comfortable saying

[37:52]these words extremely comfortable it's part of their daily dictionary part of

[37:59]their vocabulary it's so regular on their tongue they have different forms

[38:04]and variations of that words and they're so creative with it they'll

[38:07]use it as a noun and as a verb and as an

[38:11]imperative and as a preposition as as an object every part of

[38:15]speech and their friends they're impressed by them wow that's so cool

[38:19]you're such an awesome person that's the reality that we're living in

[38:22]our community these days my dear brothers and sisters believe me just

[38:29]you know participate in some saharas and some discussions and some you

[38:34]know youth moments that's the reality so as you're getting to know

[38:42]someone try to figure out when they're comfortable with their circle are

[38:45]they responsible with their words or no they're so comfortable using inappropriate

[38:52]words you want to know that that is an important flag to

[38:55]determine my dear brothers and sisters so as best as you can

[38:59]do your research ask their friends try to pick it up from

[39:05]them let them feel comfortable with you to see you know if

[39:08]they're very flexible with their words or not if you see they're

[39:11]too flexible with their words take that as a red flag today

[39:15]many of the marital problems that we have people who come for

[39:22]counseling this is one sore spot in the marriage where one of

[39:26]the two spouses comes they're completely shattered the person says that my

[39:35]spouse every single day destroys my character hurls all these negative words

[39:40]at me and my family and they think it's okay and when

[39:43]i tell them it's no big deal i didn't do anything and

[39:46]possibly the person doesn't even feel it sometimes they're not even deliberately

[39:50]doing it but it's so common to them they'll say it in

[39:56]front of everyone it's common it's normal it's part of my lifestyle

[39:59]it's difficult to live with someone like that my dear brothers and

[40:03]sisters so that is a very important flag to consider any any

[40:10]thoughts about this based on your experiences and what your friends you

[40:14]know think what are their expectations these days or how can you

[40:19]better figure out if this person is responsible with their language or

[40:23]not yes brother [Laughter] okay so let's say they use some benign

[40:31]substitutions so they don't say the word openly but they'll use a

[40:38]substitution okay what do you say about that that's a good question

[40:42]how do you feel about that yes sister the intention is still

[40:51]there it's less severe right but the intention is still there yes

[40:56]okay that's that's a very good scenario here's my take on it

[41:03]the fact that the person use a substitute give them credit for

[41:08]that to an extent because it still indicates the person is somewhat

[41:16]considerate they still understand that these obscene words do a lot of

[41:19]damage and they're trying to avoid it so give them partial credit

[41:24]for that let's just put it that way now if those substitutions

[41:29]are very frequent excessive i would consider that as a red flag

[41:36]if it's occasional infrequent you know i i would not zoom in

[41:39]on it too much yes some other thoughts yes brother they're trying

[41:54]to fit in with society so a lot of people know this

[42:08]is uncalled for it is wrong but let's face it there's pressure

[42:13]on us to fit in with our society when you're in an

[42:17]ocean in a sea of people who are constantly using these words

[42:21]even at a professional level by the way these days you go

[42:25]to some companies the boss is using these words your colleagues at

[42:28]work they're easily using these words so there's pressure on you there's

[42:32]a lot of pressure on you okay just blend in just fit

[42:36]in be cool like them my dear brothers and sisters you don't

[42:40]really want to live with someone who's obsessed with social pressure who's

[42:46]always obsessed with trying to fit in you want someone strong who

[42:51]makes their own decisions now i'm not saying you know that you

[42:57]have to now just not consider anyone for marriage because everyone to

[43:01]an extent is impacted by social pressure but just try to evaluate

[43:05]and gauge how impacted they are is it 10 okay acceptable 30

[43:13]50 or no you just have to kind of evaluate how much

[43:16]is this person struggling to try to fit in to try to

[43:21]blend in with with their surroundings with their environment a person who's

[43:25]constantly trying to get that validation from society is one who will

[43:30]create a lot of challenges for you in marriage so that's something

[43:35]that's very important to consider so examine the frequency why is this

[43:39]person using these words you know is it really just trying to

[43:45]fit in or not to what extent these are all very important

[43:47]factors but in the end that is a red flag and by

[43:51]the way my dear brothers and sisters we have many hadiths that

[43:56]tell us foul language takes us away from allah and it is

[44:03]one of the reasons why our dua is not answered one of

[44:08]the reasons why the dua of a person the supplication of a

[44:11]person is blocked is because of the words that they use because

[44:15]when you supplicate allah sends angels to take your dua and raise

[44:23]it to the heavens symbolically to allah but if this mouth is

[44:33]a mouth that constantly uses derogatory language obscene words the angels refuse

[44:40]to take your dua to allah we have hadiths about that so

[44:45]it's very important my dear brothers and sisters to train ourselves to

[44:52]avoid these types of negative environments and the words that we use

[44:55]have a negative impact you know cuss words obscene words profane words

[45:00]they generate negative energy i invite you to study the research of

[45:08]the japanese scientist dr masaru imoto some of you may be familiar

[45:12]with it we've discussed it before i don't know if his research

[45:17]is peer reviewed or not but it's very interesting you can see

[45:20]it and basically on his website he shows you the actual results

[45:25]of his research so what he does is that he brings water

[45:28]in the lab and he tries to figure out how the words

[45:32]that you use impact the crystals in the water because once you

[45:37]look at water at a microscopic level you see crystals in the

[45:43]water crystal formations so he discovered that when you say a good

[45:46]word like thank you in any language by the way not just

[45:51]japanese or english in any language when you say a positive good

[45:55]word how is the water impacted you see the water forming beautiful

[46:02]organized crystals and he shows it he shows images of it from

[46:05]his my from his microscope and then he uses negative words maybe

[46:11]obscene words profane words and he shows you the crystals are disorganized

[46:16]they're in chaos now two-thirds of your body is water imagine if

[46:24]daily you're using these negative words what you're doing to yourself this

[46:28]even has a physical impact we think these words are so benign

[46:34]harmless who cares i'm just saying it for fun do you know

[46:38]what kind of energy you're generating life is all about energy we

[46:43]have many types of energy surrounding us negative words attract shayateen and

[46:48]demons and they repel angels that's one effect even if your intention

[46:53]is good you don't really want to harm someone you're just saying

[46:55]it you know to have a good time saying a negative word

[47:00]the hadith teaches us repels the angels it removes positive energy from

[47:09]our around you and it brings negative energy you don't want that

[47:11]in your life and you don't want to live with someone who

[47:15]is constantly bringing that negative energy so this is the third flag

[47:19]the fourth flag my dear brothers and sisters let's see how you

[47:23]feel about this this person is very firm when they make a

[47:29]decision when they study something and they're about to make a decision

[47:33]you see them very firm in their decision is that a red

[47:37]flag or a green flag that's a tricky one right i see

[47:41]red flags and possibly a bit more green flags okay let's see

[47:47]why this is a green flag you could say that this is

[47:51]a green flag because you want someone who's confident who's firm in

[47:55]their decision someone who's always unsettled undecided it's tough to live with

[48:02]a person like that right they can't get their mind on anything

[48:04]and that's frustrating so from that aspect you do want some level

[48:10]of confidence the person is confident they're confident with their decisions and

[48:14]they have a level of firmness however that firmness once it becomes

[48:21]excessive it turns into a negative flag you want someone who even

[48:27]though they've done their research and they've made up their mind and

[48:30]they've come up with a decision you want someone who's still willing

[48:36]to talk about it and still willing to reconsider and try them

[48:40]test them sometimes something that they're kind of firm about give them

[48:44]a counter argument be creative think about it if you see them

[48:48]no that's it this is how i think about it and this

[48:51]is how it should be that's a red flag because tomorrow this

[48:54]person will do the same in marriage he'll come to his own

[48:57]conclusions she'll arrive at her own conclusions and that's it they're not

[49:01]willing to discuss it it's my way or the highway you want

[49:06]someone who's willing to reconsider and look at the beauty of the

[49:11]religion of islam is there someone in the history of humankind more

[49:17]confident than prophet muhammed is there someone more confident than him with

[49:27]the truth but in the quran allah commands the prophet that when

[49:32]you approach even the mushrikeen tell them let's talk maybe i'm i'm

[49:39]right maybe i'm not right maybe maybe we're on the right path

[49:44]maybe we're on the wrong path let's consider a discussion even the

[49:47]prophet who has no doubts about him being on the right path

[49:50]but when it comes to having dialogue with others he's very objective

[49:56]he doesn't tell them that's it i'm on the right path you're

[49:59]condemned end of discussion why should we even talk no the holy

[50:04]quran is beautiful in this in this verse in which the prophet

[50:08]even tells the pagans who are on the wrong path let's talk

[50:10]let's see who is on the right path let's discover who's on

[50:13]the right path and that's a beautiful quality from the prophet salallahu

[50:18]you want someone who's willing to reconsider they have principles they maintain

[50:25]their ground it's like it's not like this person easily compromises but

[50:29]at least the person is willing to reconsider they're willing to hear

[50:34]the other side and you can see they're genuinely considering it that

[50:39]is a person you can live with but a person who's always

[50:45]sad and sometimes we get deceived right you think this person is

[50:48]so confident masha'allah he's so firm in everything no sometimes that can

[50:52]actually be a sign of arrogance a sign of stubbornness that this

[50:55]person is not willing to reconsider so that is an important flag

[51:01]to consider yes brother when should we consider divorce we're still in

[51:10]marriage habibi let's save the marriage through these flags and inshallah a

[51:16]divorce won't happen [Laughter] so this is a very important flag to

[51:21]consider my dear brothers and sisters let's quickly go through some other

[51:27]very important flags this flag is key my dear brothers and sisters

[51:31]when you're getting to know this person try to see what their

[51:36]perspective is on religion do they see religious religion as confinement and

[51:43]restricting or liberating that's very important if you marry someone who sees

[51:51]religion as liberating invigorating motivating allah will bless you with a good

[51:57]life with this person but if you live with someone who sees

[52:02]religion as restrictions confinement i'm suffocating with all these islamic laws that

[52:08]attitude that you see from some people that's a red flag try

[52:12]to get the perspective of this potential spouse on religion i'm not

[52:17]telling you this person has to be the most religious person and

[52:19]they don't skip sarah no you know there are important qualities right

[52:25]but this person has to be comfortable with their religion and they're

[52:29]proud of their religion and they don't see religion as confining and

[52:33]restricting they see religion as liberating this person will introduce so much

[52:39]positive energy into your life this is a very important flag to

[52:44]consider try to fill them out what's their what's their view on

[52:48]religion even if they're not so religious from the outside right because

[52:52]religion is not just an appearance even though appearance is very important

[52:56]but religion is much more than that try to see what their

[52:59]perspective is on religion that is extremely important yes brother is it

[53:08]haram to marry someone who's not muslim now scholars have mentioned that

[53:14]there is only an exception with the people of the book a

[53:17]muslim man according to some scholars may marry a woman who's from

[53:23]the people of the book christian or jewish but other non-muslims no

[53:26]that is not allowed in the religion of islam so this is

[53:30]an important flag to consider my dear brothers and sisters another flag

[53:33]you're getting to know this person try to figure out how they

[53:39]interact with their parents and siblings you're getting to know this guy

[53:44]try to see how does he talk to his sister how does

[53:47]he talk to his mom that's a very important indicator normally these

[53:53]days that's not what hollywood teaches us right just fall in love

[53:56]and that's it follow your heart and chemistry and just go marry

[54:01]that person is there a hollywood movie that tells you look at

[54:04]how this person treats their sister their mother right they don't care

[54:09]about that but that's a very important indicator you want to know

[54:13]how does this person function in the house if you see this

[54:17]person genuinely shows respect to their mother to their sister go for

[54:23]it but if you see this person is angelic with you with

[54:27]mom not really with his sister not really take that as a

[54:33]red flag even if this person seems to be the sweetest person

[54:37]on earth in your eyes if you realize they don't genuinely show

[54:41]respect to their mother or sister take that as a red flag

[54:46]because today this person is the sweetest person on earth with you

[54:50]that may not be the case next year that may not be

[54:54]the case when they live with you and they get comfortable with

[54:56]you you want someone who genuinely my dear brothers and sisters genuinely

[55:03]has respect for their immediate family if you see this person is

[55:08]really decent with parents with siblings go for it i would take

[55:13]that as an excellent green flag so try to do some research

[55:16]observe that person let's say when they're not really noticing and they're

[55:20]speaking to their mother see how they speak to their mother how

[55:24]they speak to their father their other siblings older siblings younger siblings

[55:27]see what kind of a relationship they have at home with their

[55:32]immediate family that is a very good indicator of how they will

[55:36]treat you when they get comfortable with you so keep that in

[55:40]mind that is a very important flag that i want to share

[55:45]with you yes to view that okay so number one ask ask

[55:54]their friends ask family members how is this person with their parents

[55:58]indirectly remember we talked previously about indirect ways to research about someone

[56:03]this is a question that you need to ask as you're investigating

[56:08]or let's say you go to a you know a community member

[56:09]who's well connected with families and they tell you i introduce this

[56:12]person i think this person is good ask them what do you

[56:16]know about their relationship with their parents have you seen them have

[56:19]you observed them or let's say you're visiting their house right let's

[56:22]say you're taking two to three weeks to get to know them

[56:27]you're visiting their house try to observe how they react with their

[56:30]parents with their siblings try to act distracted you know you're not

[56:34]really observing them and see how they talk with their parents so

[56:41]either ask someone indirectly who knows that or try to pick that

[56:46]up yourself if you genuinely see that they have that respect for

[56:49]their parents and and siblings go for it that's a that's an

[56:52]excellent green flag if you see no you find something disturbing with

[56:59]the parents or siblings i take a break indirectly yes indirectly ask

[57:07]the parents and siblings as well so let's say through a mutual

[57:10]friend or through someone who knows them ask the parents ask the

[57:14]siblings don't tell them that you know i want to get married

[57:16]what do you think of of your son or daughter you know

[57:19]which parent is going to tell you yeah no don't we have

[57:21]issues about that you know they're probably waiting to get rid of

[57:27]them they don't want to pass that opportunity just kidding so indirectly

[57:31]ask just say i want to know what kind of relationship they

[57:33]have at home how does this person you know deal with you

[57:37]what kind of words do they use do they show that genuine

[57:41]respect ask a friend who knows like the inside family structure indirectly

[57:44]have someone ask on your behalf that would be a great indicator

[57:47]yes brother try to observe how they treat people whom not only

[58:13]they're comfortable with but they feel they have a power structure where

[58:18]they feel more powerful that's a very important indicator in marriage so

[58:22]let's say this person manages a business try to see how does

[58:27]this person treat the employees that's a very important indicator if you

[58:33]want to know if a person is humble or arrogant see how

[58:38]they treat the subordinates if you see them humane genuine with the

[58:44]subordinates go for it this person will be good to you if

[58:48]you see no this person has two worlds those who are equal

[58:54]to him or to her or those who are higher in power

[58:59]they're excellent they're very impressive but they're subordinates no they try to

[59:02]step on them they demoralize them they don't show genuine respect for

[59:09]them that's a red flag and we have this in our hadith

[59:12]subhanallah we have in our hadith that the true believer is the

[59:18]one who when he goes outside he genuinely thinks between him and

[59:22]god that every person out there could be better than me if

[59:26]you're a boss and you run a company or you're the owner

[59:31]of a store or a gas station do you feel that you're

[59:37]better than your employees work in that gas station normally you would

[59:42]right let's face it that's human nature you feel you're better than

[59:46]them and why are you better than them just because you're their

[59:49]boss because you're their manager you have a higher position you want

[59:54]someone whom honestly when you go in that setting you really can't

[59:57]tell who's the manager or not let's say they don't have that

[59:59]badge or don't read the badge you honestly can't tell they're so

[60:05]humble with the employees you can't really tell like where the power

[60:08]structure is that's a good person and this is exactly how the

[60:13]prophet and where people would say when we would come them and

[60:16]we would not recognize them we don't know them you know back

[60:18]then there weren't portraits or pictures first time coming the person would

[60:23]say who's rasulullah here where is the prophet here who among you

[60:25]in this discussion is the prophet he genuinely would not know because

[60:29]the prophets would not visibly show that through any stubborn arrogant way

[60:35]and we have for instance the descriptions of imam ali he would

[60:46]describe him he was one of us you know how much meaning

[60:54]lies in this word he was one of us study this statement

[61:01]in describing he's the greatest creation of allah after the prophet he

[61:05]was the caliph he ruled four years he's the first of the

[61:10]imams his companion state he was one of us we had so

[61:13]much respect for him but he's one of us you want a

[61:17]person when they're around their subordinates you truly get that feeling where

[61:22]he's kind of one of them if you get that feeling that

[61:26]is an excellent flag one last flag my dear brothers and sisters

[61:29]here before we run out of time addictions this person has an

[61:39]addiction drug addiction alcohol addiction game addiction smoking addictions you name it

[61:48]how do you treat these addictions now we're not judging these people

[61:53]people sometimes fall victims to different types of addictions so let's break

[62:00]them down very briefly if it's an alcoholic addiction that is the

[62:05]biggest red flag you can think of not because i say that

[62:11]because the prophet says the prophet is very clear don't marry someone

[62:16]who drinks who has the addiction to drink don't marry someone like

[62:22]that in fact the hadith states if a father allows his daughter

[62:27]to marry someone who regularly drinks he has cut the rahim with

[62:35]her and the second hadith states a father who gives permission to

[62:39]his daughter to marry someone who drinks every day one thousand llamas

[62:45]and curses come on him these are not my words these are

[62:50]the words of the added bait peace be upon them so if

[62:54]the addiction has to do with alcohol with drinking which is so

[63:00]okay in our society that is a red flag okay let's say

[63:02]the person tells you i'm willing to change i'm willing to stop

[63:09]this addiction should you give them a chance if you think you

[63:13]should give them a chance raise your green flags if you say

[63:17]don't give them a chance raise your red flags okay so we

[63:21]have more red flags but wait a minute islam says give people

[63:24]a chance so why can't you give them a chance don't people

[63:31]change that's it they're stuck for life yes sister what would you

[63:34]say about that they should stop for themselves not for you therefore

[63:46]my recommendation if that's a situation you're dealing with you need to

[63:53]give them at least a full year if you're waiting willing to

[63:57]wait that long give them a full year if they genuinely break

[64:03]from that addiction and you can feel that they're doing it for

[64:06]themselves and for allah not just to impress you okay i believe

[64:12]that people can change islam tells us people can change you know

[64:16]if someone has some bad addictions a bad pass it doesn't mean

[64:18]they're doomed for life we have to be always hopeful and positive

[64:22]and optimistic and give them a chance i would wait at least

[64:28]a year not a month you could impress someone and avoid an

[64:30]addiction for a month it's not hard a full year if that

[64:37]person sticks to that a full year they avoided that addiction and

[64:40]genuinely you can see they're happy they're proud they're honored they feel

[64:46]closer to allah subhanahu ta'ala that red flag we can say is

[64:52]gone so look at other qualities if they're okay i don't have

[64:56]objections to to proceed but if the person is struggling with the

[64:58]addiction they're trying on and off that's a red flag what about

[65:07]drugs so hadith we have about alcohol and getting drunk what about

[65:11]drugs now the dangerous drugs obviously we know the answer what about

[65:15]a drug like marijuana you're getting to know someone you discovered they

[65:21]regularly do marijuana and today it's so common in our society right

[65:26]so many of our youth are doing marijuana it's normal it's no

[65:31]longer something reprehensible and many states have legalized it what do you

[65:36]do in a situation like that and the person let's say has

[65:40]good qualities they have a good character you've done research you know

[65:44]pretty much all the personality traits look good but the person has

[65:49]a marijuana addiction how do you deal with that yes brother okay

[66:03]so the brother is saying let's say someone stops from an addiction

[66:07]and they genuinely stop doesn't that affect your future children my dear

[66:13]brothers and sisters the quran teaches us if a person genuinely repents

[66:18]genuinely repents allah will transform the sins into good deeds 70 memorize

[66:28]this verse it's one of those powerful verses in the quran that

[66:33]truly give you hope allah talks about some people who commit some

[66:36]major offenses except for the one allah says there you know they

[66:44]will be punished they will be doomed except illam and taba the

[66:48]one who sincerely repents you genuinely see the belief in their heart

[66:58]and you can see they're doing good deeds they're genuinely doing them

[67:08]allah will change and transform and morph their sins into good deeds

[67:16]islam believes in giving people good you know chances just make sure

[67:20]that they're not going through a phase it's stable they genuinely changed

[67:26]if they genuinely changed for the sake of allah i wouldn't have

[67:29]you know serious concerns about that and sometimes you'll find such people

[67:34]because of their courage to change their past allah subhanahu ta'ala will

[67:41]elevate them even further that's why in every year muharram we talk

[67:45]about the story of right he lived his entire life you know

[67:50]not being close to the albeit he blocked imam hussain and his

[67:54]family from going to kufa he was responsible for that mass that

[67:58]happened in karbala but on that day he genuinely changed and i'm

[68:03]willing to die because of this change 14 centuries we praise him

[68:10]a beautiful lesson for us so if you feel that the person

[68:14]genuinely has changed and it's not just the phase that they're going

[68:17]and this is really important and the person is willing to cut

[68:24]off all ties with those friends who remind them of those addictions

[68:30]it's not easy friends that you grew up with you love them

[68:35]you feel comfortable with them if you really want to change you

[68:40]need to avoid triggers and you're willing to sacrifice a big trigger

[68:46]is associating with those friends don't fool yourself and say no i've

[68:49]changed that's okay i'll go to that gathering they're going to do

[68:54]the bad stuff the disturbing stuff i'll sit on the side who

[68:58]are you fooling [Laughter] thank you don't be gullible shaytan is not

[69:09]that easy to deal with you have to cut those ties you

[69:15]have to save yourself i know it's sad to let your friends

[69:20]go it's very sad it's not easy it's not an easy decision

[69:22]but you have to that's the only way that you guarantee that

[69:26]you will move away from those addictions any friend who reminds you

[69:33]of that addiction who triggers something in your desires or in your

[69:37]psychology or in your you know life to pull you towards that

[69:40]addiction you need to cut them off so if you're dealing with

[69:47]someone like that tell them prove it let's see avoid everything that

[69:50]reminds you of those triggers are you willing to do them will

[69:52]you cut ties with all those friends or no if you see

[69:57]them genuinely do that i would have hope in that yes brother

[70:17]yes it happens that sometimes later in life a person can relapse

[70:24]into an addiction that can happen and that's one of the unfortunate

[70:28]um you know consequences of an addiction that is why i recommended

[70:34]you need a good amount of time to be sure that the

[70:39]person not only avoids the addiction but they feel comfortable without the

[70:45]addiction because i'll tell you some cases that are frustrating and they

[70:49]ruin a marriage the person stops the addiction but they're frustrated and

[70:55]they act like they're they're doing the other side of favor i

[71:02]hear this all the time yeah but i cut that front because

[71:08]of you and i avoided that because of you that attitude out

[71:11]the window that's a red flag if you feel that the person

[71:17]genuinely moved away from the addiction and they're happy they're at peace

[71:20]they're honored to be away from the addiction they're comfortable with their

[71:28]life normally normally such a person would not go back to the

[71:33]addiction but you have to be confident that they're there so don't

[71:36]proceed unless you're confident that this is the case now if god

[71:39]forbid some you know you did everything appropriately and in the future

[71:43]the person you know relapsed into that addiction help them there are

[71:47]there are still ways to help them if they handled it well

[71:51]the first time you know indications are they'll handle it well the

[71:54]second time so addictions are very tricky my dear brothers and sisters

[71:58]but they exist everywhere in our community they're very tricky to deal

[72:04]with but you need a time a year sometimes two years to

[72:06]be confident that this person moved away from that past this person

[72:09]cut all ties from that past and the person is happy some

[72:14]people cut ties from that past but they're not happy inside that

[72:19]person will go back to those addictions or the chances are that

[72:22]they'll go back or high but if the person is happy they're

[72:25]honored that allah saved them from that addiction usually that's a stable

[72:31]sign so let's just wrap up this discussion with this last question

[72:33]that i asked you alcohol we know the islamic position what about

[72:39]marijuana a lot of people today do marijuana okay let me be

[72:44]statistically honest with you if all of you some of you are

[72:50]waving both flags if all of you say that this is a

[72:54]red flag i don't have very accurate statistics but i'll tell you

[73:03]you've already crossed out half of the community so what do you

[73:09]do now that means half of you won't get married [Laughter] no

[73:15]no let's let's think about this this is an important one today

[73:20]a lot of people do marijuana a lot of college students do

[73:25]marijuana it's so common i'll tell you half of the shabbat probably

[73:28]do it so if it's just an outright red flag that just

[73:34]means half of you will not get married but we know that's

[73:39]you know that's not realistic we got to do something about this

[73:43]right yes sister requires more depth to discuss it it needs its

[73:53]own separate discussion yes they argue that it's not haram right one

[74:08]brother told me say it when i do marijuana i feel closer

[74:12]to allah allah is my witness he said that to me i

[74:16]honestly was dumbfounded i just laughed i didn't know what to say

[74:22]to him so yes i there is that attitude maybe the one

[74:27]i shared with you is the extreme one but yes there are

[74:29]many people who will justify it who says it's haram i've done

[74:33]my research it's hard i've read the quran and the hadith there's

[74:35]nothing that says marijuana is haram yeah you have that attitude so

[74:39]my dear brothers and sisters it is a problem here's the homework

[74:42]that i have for you tonight and please take this seriously because

[74:46]remember if you don't fix this problem half of you here will

[74:52]not get married and that's not something that we want we want

[74:56]you all inshallah to have the opportunity to get married so you

[75:00]have to fix the problem let's work as a team we know

[75:04]that marijuana addiction is on the rise a lot of people do

[75:09]it okay let's not say 50 let's say 20 30 40.

[75:11]whatever it's a significant population portion of the population who are struggling

[75:17]with marijuana what do we do about it and how do we

[75:19]approach people who have addictions this is something that requires homework so

[75:25]inshaallah i invite you all tonight to follow up make circles amongst

[75:32]yourselves and see what you can do about this and how to

[75:35]treat it not every person who does marijuana is automatically a red

[75:39]flag you still have different cases there are severe addictions there are

[75:43]a person who are just trying it it's not that really important

[75:45]they can do without it right you have different circumstances so it's

[75:50]not like one answer for everyone one size fits all that's not

[75:56]the case so i want you to research how do you approach

[76:00]this situation you're about to live with someone who's done some marijuana

[76:04]or they're addicted to marijuana how can we address that how can

[76:10]they break that addiction and in what scenarios can i safely state

[76:14]okay you know even if they've done it a few times it's

[76:16]still safe to live with this person and when is it a

[76:22]dangerous situation where no i honestly can't live with that person this

[76:25]requires a community effort my dear brothers and sisters not just a

[76:28]simple answer that we we you know speak about in a few

[76:32]minutes so that's your homework when it comes to red flags and

[76:37]green flags one of the biggest challenges today is drugs marijuana many

[76:42]people are struggling with this and we want to have a healthy

[76:48]community we want everyone to have the opportunity at a good marriage

[76:50]inshallah so we need to do something about it let's get together

[76:53]as a community and do something about it and inshaallah later we

[76:58]can follow up so there's no easy answer to that i just

[77:00]wanted to raise it to your attention that we need to do

[77:05]something about it allah appreciates the effort that we all make in

[77:09]trying to address the situation how to help people with addictions number

[77:14]two if you're interested in someone and they seem to have an

[77:17]addiction what do you do we need good advice here right we

[77:22]need experts right we need to ask doctors psychologists community leaders people

[77:28]who deal with youth and scholars as well what do we do

[77:32]what's a red flag and what's not a red flag that's something

[77:37]that requires a lot more effort so inshallah this is the homework

[77:42]that i would like to give for myself and for everyone tonight

[77:44]my dear brothers and sisters we're out of time may allah subhanahu

[77:47]ta'ala bless you all thank you for participating in our discussion tonight

[77:56]in

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