Family Dynamics: Responsibilities within the Family - Sayed Saleh Qazwini

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In Lectures

Lecture delivered at the American Islamic Community Center

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[0:12]Muhammad muh muham respected brothers and sisters the family is regarded as

[0:54]the most sacred institution in Islam from an Islamic perspective the there

[1:02]is no greater institution built Foundation built than the foundation of the

[1:08]family the says no has been built in the religion of Islam

[1:23]more beloved to Allah than marriage why because marriage is the beginning

[1:29]of a family and this is why we discussed in the previous

[1:34]week the importance of the family and how the Quran discusses the

[1:40]role of the family and how the prophets of Allah subhanahu wa

[1:47]taala would talk about the family and how the Quran treats the

[1:54]family the way a person treats their family that is reflective on

[2:00]their faith and that is reflective on their Iman they're not two

[2:05]separate things your IM and your faith and God is one aspect

[2:08]and the way you treat your family is something else no they're

[2:12]all one and a part of one another and this is why

[2:17]we see that the greatest prophets of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala in

[2:22]their duas in their conversations in their stories and the way the

[2:27]Quran describes them they are worried and they're thinking thinking of their

[2:34]family we mentioned Prophet ibraim Prophet y Prophet these are all prophets

[2:46]that would focus on family values and when you read the Quran

[2:49]you see this displayed and exhibited within the Quran because the family

[2:54]is not just a place where we find happiness and psychological and

[3:00]social satisfaction the family is a route towards Paradise through your family

[3:05]if you're a good person within the family Allah subhanahu wa taala

[3:09]will take you to Paradise we mentioned Heaven is beneath the feet

[3:19]of your mother meaning that you need to get the approval from

[3:22]your mother your mother must be happy with you so Allah subhanahu

[3:26]wa ta'ala allows you to enter into paradise and if someone that

[3:34]has a rough relationship with their own family then no matter how

[3:38]much they prayed no matter what they did they're going to have

[3:42]a more difficult time entering into Paradise so before today inshallah we're

[3:48]talking about the resp and the duties that we have towards the

[3:55]family but before talking about the duties and responsibilities that we have

[4:00]towards family let's talk about the purpose and the goal of the

[4:05]family what is the purpose of a family according to the Quran

[4:10]what is the purpose of the family according to the words of

[4:13]the prophets within the Quran today some people you tell them why

[4:17]do you want to get married they say so I could have

[4:20]a you know a bigger tax write off that's what they're worried

[4:23]about everyone has a different perspective some people they just want to

[4:27]have fun some people they're bored they you know they did everything

[4:32]on their checklist now okay it's time for me to get married

[4:35]it's time for me to settle down start it's time for me

[4:39]to start a family what is the quranic perspective what are the

[4:44]goals and purposes of building a family and the relationships within the

[4:48]family how are they supposed to be like according to the Quran

[4:51]there are many verses in the Quran that talk about this issue

[4:58]here I found some one is a Dua from a and this

[5:00]is a Dua attributed to this is the Dua of where he

[5:21]says and the Quran says this those who say Oh Our Lord

[5:28]grant us from our spouses and from our progeny joy for our

[5:40]eyes and make us as a family be those who guide people

[5:49]towards the right path those who are those who who are an

[5:54]IM a leader towards for the for the pious for the god

[5:57]conscience so here one is the family is a place of Joy

[6:08]who told you that you're not supposed to have fun you're not

[6:14]supposed to enjoy the time with your family in fact the the

[6:19]greatest place of pleasure and joy and happiness and satisfaction for a

[6:24]person is supposed to be within the family today families are breaking

[6:28]apart today we see a broken family system because the place of

[6:35]pleasure and joy is left out of the family and then you

[6:38]find families they start breaking apart from our spouses let us have

[6:48]joy let us have pleasure joy for our eyes within the family

[6:52]and if someone if someone is not happy within their own family

[6:58]then that means this family is going through a crisis then that

[7:01]means this family is going through a problem every single individual within

[7:06]the family is supposed to be happy because that's the place that's

[7:11]the place of comfort of social comfort of psychological comfort of emotional

[7:15]Comfort if one of your family members is not happy then there's

[7:22]a problem so here another goal according to this verse is that

[7:30]a good sound healthy family is supposed to be a family that's

[7:33]a role model for the pious a role model for others today

[7:39]you look at some families and you see that these families perhaps

[7:43]they role models for stealing and theft and gambling and being away

[7:47]from Allah and and an example of a broken family whereas he

[7:54]says I want my family to be a family that's an example

[8:00]for everyone else and this is how we the those who follow

[8:03]in the path of we should make sure that our whole family

[8:08]is an example not only I as a person you find a

[8:12]lot of religious people one person is religious within the family but

[8:16]the whole family is breaking apart the whole family is not on

[8:20]the same footing do for your family to be guided to be

[8:27]on the same footing and to you as a leader not as

[8:33]an individual leader but as a family leading others and leading the

[8:36]pious this is one goal according to one verse in the Quran

[8:41]joy for the eyes and being a leader another Allah subhah waala

[8:49]says in the Quran one of the most important and critical purposes

[9:08]and goals is that the family is supposed to be a place

[9:14]of tranquility and from amongst the signs of Allah that he created

[9:19]for you from amongst yourselves Pairs and spouses so that you may

[9:29]find and Tranquility with one another and Allah places the love and

[9:36]the mercy within the family today you look at some families do

[9:38]you see that there's sukun Tranquility within the family do you see

[9:42]that there's love and mercy within the family these are goals the

[9:48]Islamic goals and purposes of family third another verse in the Quran

[10:00]Allah describes that once a person reaches the age of 40 then

[10:08]they have reached the the level of wisdom oh Allah give me

[10:22]the opportunity to thank you for the blessings that you have given

[10:27]me and given my parents and allow me to be those who

[10:38]do the Good Deeds that you are satisfied with and reform and

[10:50]make my family be a family of righteous individuals this is the

[10:55]goal this is one of the goals in the Quran for a

[10:59]family to have meaning that every single individual should be concerned this

[11:07]is the Dua of the wise person every single individual should be

[11:12]concerned is my family healthy is my family sound not only sound

[11:17]in terms of are they eating are they drinking do they have

[11:20]a roof over their head are they comfortable are they going to

[11:22]good schools no is my family healthy when it comes to Iman

[11:27]when it comes to tawa when it comes to prayer when it

[11:28]comes to the relationship with Allah subhana wa ta'ala do we ask

[11:37]ourselves these questions do we reform our own families another goal we

[11:41]see in the Quran oh Allah make me from those who uphold

[11:53]prayer and my progeny do Dua that your children and your family

[11:59]they are also those those who are connected with Allah subhana wa

[12:03]tala so we mentioned several goals according to the Quran and if

[12:06]you look in the Quran you will probably find more however how

[12:11]do we attain and reach a healthy family how do we attain

[12:18]these goals some people have the idea that I sit at home

[12:20]and I watch Netflix I go to work I come I eat

[12:24]I pay the bills and that's it I don't need to do

[12:28]any effort I don't need to do anything no that's not how

[12:31]it is we know in life if I want to be successful

[12:34]in school I have to work if I wantful at work I

[12:40]have to struggle if I want to be successful in my business

[12:46]I have to do something I have to put an effort why

[12:50]is it that some people have the idea that I don't need

[12:52]to put an effort with my family with my children the husband

[12:57]towards the wife the wife towards the husband the parents towards the

[13:01]children children towards the parents some people they don't want to put

[13:05]an effort because they take their these relationships for granted I have

[13:09]my wife she's been cooking for me my whole life it's okay

[13:13]I say thank you I don't say thank you she's going to

[13:17]do it the wife she says my husband he's providing for us

[13:20]I don't need to do anything taking relationships for granted that is

[13:25]when we stop appreciating and that is when we stop stop putting

[13:30]an effort so one of our most important duties and responsibilities within

[13:35]the family is to put an effort because without effort you will

[13:39]see that the family will start falling apart you will see that

[13:47]the family will not be able to hold itself will not be

[13:49]able to glue itself and it could potentially lead to and we

[13:57]mentioned last week that one of the greatest acts of when someone

[14:04]is having shortcomings and breaking off the bonds within the family so

[14:10]this means that we have duties and we see that Islam as

[14:16]a religion as a teaching as a system as a way of

[14:19]life it doesn't just come and teach us to connect with God

[14:23]but it has placed rules rules that teach us to be connected

[14:27]and discipline us to uphold the rights of others in society most

[14:33]importantly our family after God your parents your lord has decreed that

[14:45]you do not worship anyone other than God and you showan to

[14:47]the parents in the same sentence the verse doesn't stop and then

[14:51]it says and you know you believe in God and then later

[14:55]on okay now show respect to your parents no the same sentence

[14:58]that says you have to your lord has decreed that you do

[15:03]not worship anyone other than God and the same decree says you

[15:05]have to showan to the family and to the parents there are

[15:13]duties and responsibilities within the family the husband towards the wife and

[15:17]the wife towards the husband Islam and not only Islam all religions

[15:22]they they talk about marriage today some people ask why do why

[15:30]is Islam so difficult some people they come and they say I

[15:33]want to go dating I want to be dating why does Islam

[15:36]make it so difficult where you have to go and do aab

[15:38]you have to get married and you have to go and have

[15:42]witnesses and you have to write it down and Mahar and dar

[15:44]and all these things what is the whole purpose of marriage the

[15:50]whole purpose of marriage is to guarantee the rights and the responsibilities

[15:55]of the couple in the relationship today those who don't want to

[16:00]those who want to bypass the marriage that means that they want

[16:07]to bypass responsibilities and duties Islam says you want to get in

[16:11]a relationship there's no problem with it get in a relationship but

[16:14]just have it be kab let it be written down have it

[16:19]be something that is acknowledged by members of the community members of

[16:23]the society have it be in the name of God so that

[16:26]if you are not afraid of this person and that person at

[16:29]least Le you're afraid of God and you acknowledge that you have

[16:33]rights and that person has rights towards you this is what Islam

[16:36]does so it comes and it sets rules it sets rules so

[16:41]that we respect one another and responsibilities and duties towards one another

[16:45]so now what are some of the responsibilities and duties of course

[16:50]this if we were to talk about the specific responsibilities and duties

[16:55]it would require a much longer speech and it would require you

[16:58]know it would have to be cut up for example the responsibilities

[17:01]of the wife towards the husband of the husband towards the wife

[17:04]of the parents towards the children children towards the parents and here

[17:08]and there so we're going to look at the bigger picture not

[17:12]the specific duties and responsibilities otherwise for example the husband has to

[17:18]take care of the wife he has to feed and prepare and

[17:20]and give clothing and give housing and give all these we're not

[17:24]going to go into that detail but we're going to talk about

[17:26]the general responsibilities within the family so what are some of these

[17:34]General responsibilities one is that we are all responsible for the well-being

[17:39]of those within the family those who share the roof with us

[17:42]and those who share blood with us we mentioned what the family

[17:48]is last week those who share a or at one point have

[17:50]shared a with you a womb with you you cannot be selfish

[17:55]when it comes to the family you have to take care of

[17:57]your duties and your respons responsibilities and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala one

[18:02]of the first questions Allah subhah wa ta'ala will ask us about

[18:08]Allah will ask us about the the blessings that he has given

[18:13]us you are going to be asked about the blessings that Allah

[18:19]subhana wa taala has given you so yes sometimes it's uneasy it's

[18:24]diff it's it's not easy it's a difficult task but I have

[18:28]to make sure that members of my family the immediate family and

[18:32]the outer family are they well are they okay financially are they

[18:36]okay today you find many times we hear this you see one

[18:42]brother is extremely rich and doing very well and his brother is

[18:45]not even able to pay the bills his brother is not even

[18:51]able to provide for himself here there's a duty even this person

[18:56]is a Believer a mman they' they've given their dues and their

[18:59]you still have a duty towards your family you have to make

[19:04]sure that your brother your sibling your family member those who you

[19:08]share blood with that they are taken care of especially if you

[19:13]have if Allah subhana tala has given you then you have to

[19:16]check up on others some people they come and they want to

[19:21]give charity they want to donate to the mid they want to

[19:25]do the these good acts here and there and they have their

[19:27]own brother or their son son or their mother or their parents

[19:31]who are in desperate need and they're not helping them you need

[19:34]to go and take care of the close ones this is what

[19:40]Islam teaches us you want to do something good do the good

[19:42]start with your family and then go outside the family this is

[19:47]a very important rule that we have during the time of a

[19:55]man passed away and his children they were begging in the street

[20:01]they were begging so tells the Muslims what happened they tell him

[20:07]their father was a rich man but during his life he gave

[20:12]all of his money away people and now his children his own

[20:15]children are begging in the street Al said if I had known

[20:22]I would not have allowed him to be buried in a Muslim

[20:25]Cemetery why because this man came gave money he thought he was

[20:32]doing something good but he gave it to those who are far

[20:33]and his own children are now left begging in the street that

[20:39]defeats the whole purpose take care of your family take care of

[20:42]those who are close to you this is one another we have

[20:47]to maintain the mental health well-being of our family you might find

[20:52]some parents or siblings or a husband and wife they provide they

[20:56]give money whatever it is they spend but the mental health within

[21:03]the house is deteriorating maybe someone is suffering from depression maybe someone

[21:07]is suffering from the lack of love from lack of real good

[21:14]emotions displayed to to them sometimes people they don't only need money

[21:18]your children don't need money your children need you to spend time

[21:21]with them they need you to sit with them they need you

[21:24]to talk with them this is a very important duty that we

[21:26]have and this mental health issue is very important today you see

[21:35]families they might be living in the best houses a very big

[21:38]house it has so many rooms they have cars they have clothes

[21:43]they have everything that they need but the needs are not meant

[21:46]as a family we have a duty to go and check up

[21:51]on the mental well-being of every individual within the family and we

[21:56]should not make the relationship a toxic place where people suffer as

[22:04]a result of verbal abuse and verbal harassment another very important duty

[22:09]is that we have to spend quality time with one another one

[22:14]of the responsibilities for the family and within the family is to

[22:22]spend quality time tells the Muslims for one of you to stay

[22:32]and spend quality time with their own family this is better than

[22:35]3 days of consecutive worship and fasting in the M of meaning

[22:41]you could spend three days fasting in a row and do worship

[22:49]in the that's called and in the of has even greater reward

[22:52]he tells them spend an hour with your family spend an hour

[22:56]with your wife with your kids this is more rewarding than we

[23:01]have a responsibility of showing and displaying that love some people they

[23:04]say oh my wife knows I love her my children they know

[23:08]I love them okay show it in Islam Islam teaches us to

[23:15]display that love to show that love even within the with the

[23:18]Believers we have Hadith that says if you love someone if you

[23:24]care for a Believer tell them show them that M tell them

[23:26]I love you tell them I care for you give them gifts

[23:31]this is what this is what Islam encourages us to do and

[23:35]especially when it comes to the family in a don't let your

[23:43]family be your worst enemies some people oh they're so good in

[23:46]building relations relationships and bonds with everyone else but except the family

[23:51]they can't build and maintain a healthy relationship another very important responsib

[23:58]ability and duty is that we have to be fair some people

[24:04]are not fair within the family they're not fair why because the

[24:07]husband says what's my wife who's going to defend her what's she

[24:09]going to do or brothers the older the stronger comes and takes

[24:16]from the weaker one you find in some countries as soon as

[24:19]the parents die the older or the stronger the more authoritative sibling

[24:24]they come and they steal all of the inheritance they come and

[24:28]they take all of the money or sometimes the brothers they take

[24:32]from their sister the weak one their powers are taken away from

[24:36]them this is Haram sometimes the greatest act of Oppression you don't

[24:42]have to be aim an oppressor to be a tyrant to be

[24:45]a king to be a president no sometimes you could be a

[24:50]person within the family this is the of be careful from oppressing

[24:58]the one who does not have a supporter other than God we

[25:03]have to be very careful we have to uphold Justice sometimes even

[25:07]if the relationship is broken sometimes you're fighting with one another even

[25:12]if you're fighting even if you have a dispute you have to

[25:16]make sure that you don't do oppression you don't do sometimes even

[25:19]in a divorce for example as soon as a divorce takes place

[25:22]I'm going to go to the court and I'm going to take

[25:25]all of his money I'm going to take all of her I'm

[25:28]going to not allow her to see the children I'm going to

[25:30]do first of all we have to remember that the laws of

[25:34]God still apply why is it that as soon as there's a

[25:38]dispute some of the religious couples they forget the laws of God

[25:41]and they go to the courts and here and there no you

[25:43]have to remember that the laws of Allah subhah wa ta'ala apply

[25:48]another very important responsibility is that we have to be loyal to

[25:52]one another family is a place of loyalty there's a trust there's

[25:58]a bond that should not be broken and one of the most

[26:02]important duties and responsibilities that we have is that we have to

[26:05]build up and guide other members of the family if I see

[26:10]my brother if I see my wife if the wife sees the

[26:14]husband I see my children not doing something properly I have to

[26:16]teach them I have to educate them just as I expect them

[26:21]to educate me and teach me if I'm not doing something properly

[26:25]we have to help one another within the family to build the

[26:31]Faith several days after the marriage with tells her what kind of

[26:38]a husband is Ali she tells him he's the best partner and

[26:45]bringing me closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala this is what a

[26:48]family is supposed to do members of the family are supposed to

[26:50]raise one another help one another wake one another up for Salah

[26:56]encourage one to go go to Haj to give their zakat to

[27:02]give their hes to pray to come to the Masjid support one

[27:04]another not one that no don't go and don't go if someone

[27:09]is for example feeling low the other one should should encourage them

[27:12]and help them and support them this is what a family is

[27:18]supposed to do if we do these then we will be able

[27:19]to reach the goals of a family the goals of a healthy

[27:25]family that will not only make you proud in this life but

[27:29]it will also make you proud in the afterlife Allah says in

[27:32]the Quran or those who believe and their their progeny followed them

[27:42]in that same way their their progeny is going to be with

[27:48]them on the day of judgment with them in Paradise so we

[27:54]ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to bless you all and to help

[27:57]us all and support us all in reaching and fulfilling the goals

[28:05]and the duties within the family

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