What to Look for in a Spouse - Sayed Saleh Qazwini

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[0:05]Allahbarb.

[0:52]What's Alhamdulillah.

[1:00]Alhamdulillah.

[1:40]Ali Muhammaduhammed Ali Muhammad Aliham.

[2:26]Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created the human being and equipped the human

[2:35]being with all of the necessary tools and gave the instructions to

[2:41]live a lifestyle that will help and support the human in reaching

[2:47]their highest potential in life.

[2:49]Everything Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has catered for the human being so

[2:56]that we can grow and we can reach our highest potential.

[2:59]And one of the ways of reaching your highest potential in life,

[3:06]the potential that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given you is through

[3:11]marriage.

[3:13]Through finding a life partner that is compatible with you, one who

[3:18]there is good chemistry with this person.

[3:21]And through that life partner, you will be able to reach a

[3:28]potential much higher than if you were to live a single life

[3:30]and live all alone.

[3:33]And this is why in Islam, marriage is something that is highly

[3:37]recommended.

[3:38]Marriage is something that is considered to be from the sunnah ofam.

[3:44]And Allah describes it as one of the greatest signs of God.

[3:55]However, one will only be able to reach their highest potential if

[4:01]they [snorts] are with the right partner, if there is real compatibility,

[4:05]if there is chemistry, if you get along with your spouse.

[4:08]But if the marriage is filled with fights and arguments and disagreements,

[4:14]then no, this will be something that not only will it stop

[4:21]you from reaching your highest potential, but it will even bring you

[4:25]down as a person.

[4:25]And this is why it's very important to find the right spouse.

[4:34]It's very important to be to be very careful when you are

[4:38]choosing to get married and the choice of who to marry.

[4:43]This could apply for a person or for example if your children

[4:46]they're at the age of marriage and you are having these conversations

[4:49]with them or if you are a person who is ready to

[4:55]get married.

[4:57]This choice and this decision is probably the most important decision that

[5:02]you will make in your life because this decision will have consequences.

[5:08]This decision, the person you marry means who is going to be

[5:15]the father or the mother of your children.

[5:15]It means who you're going to spend the remaining the the rest

[5:21]of your life with.

[5:24]And this is a very consequential decision.

[5:26]Maybe for example, someone they enter into a business agreement with someone

[5:30]then when they don't like the business the way it's running, they

[5:34]go and they turn away from the business.

[5:36]That's it.

[5:38]Or maybe someone buys a house, you don't like the house, you

[5:40]go and you sell the house and you move somewhere else.

[5:43]But when it comes to marriage, this is someone that you're going

[5:47]to be stuck with.

[5:46]And even if you end up separating from this person, the traits

[5:52]and the qualities are going to be passed down to your children

[5:55]through that person.

[5:58]So this is someone that you're going to be attached with.

[6:00]And this is why it's very important to make the right dis

[6:07]right decision.

[6:06]And when it comes to choosing who to marry, there are prerequisites.

[6:11]There are certain things that must be done before making that choice.

[6:19]And number one, the decision should be based upon reason and not

[6:24]based upon lust.

[6:27]Today in our society, the narrative is marry who you love.

[6:31]Marry who you fell for.

[6:36]Meaning whoever you are attached to right away go and marry this

[6:38]person.

[6:39]Be with this person.

[6:39]whoever my desires and my emotions are telling me to be with.

[6:46]But in Islam, Allah says use allow it's okay to have love

[6:49]but use your intellect, use your reason.

[6:52]Make sure that you are choosing the right person and Islam encourages.

[6:57]Islam discourages and forbids having relationships before the katikab.

[7:04]One of the reasons why Islam discourages that is because people when

[7:10]they have relationships before the marriage they begin they begin to be

[7:15]blinded by their love and by blinded by lust and blinded by

[7:18]their attachment to that person before thinking and realizing and making sure

[7:23]that this is the right person to marry.

[7:25]So this is why in Islam it is encouraged to actually make

[7:33]that decision based on reason, based on understanding, based on consciousness and

[7:37]speak to the person before marrying them.

[7:40]Number two, one of the prerequisites for marriage in Islam before the

[7:47]before the marriage, it's very important to have an understanding with who

[7:52]you are marrying.

[7:54]Today you find people when it's time, you know, when they're ready

[7:58]to get married, they'll sit and they'll talk about the venue.

[8:00]They'll talk about the bridesmaids.

[8:02]They'll talk about the dress.

[8:04]They'll talk about the theme, the flowers.

[8:06]They talk about everything, but they don't talk about the important things.

[8:13]how we're going to live our lives, how we're going to make

[8:16]decisions, who's going to provide for the family, how are we going

[8:22]to agree on certain matters when it comes to the family.

[8:25]These are all things that are very important.

[8:29]And and actually the the the that that agreement that makes you

[8:36]halal upon one another, that in itself is a prenup.

[8:41]That is an agreement.

[8:44]And you could put in the kbikab.

[8:46]You could put in the agreement any condition that you want.

[8:49]There are many conditions that one could put at the time of

[8:53]the kbikab.

[8:52]Later on it will be too late.

[8:56]Later on it becomes difficult.

[8:56]But at the time of getting married that is the time to

[9:01]put your conditions to put your values what is important for you.

[9:05]Talk about that before going into the relationship.

[9:09]And number three, one of the very important prerequisites before going into

[9:14]the marriage and before going into the relationship is to make sure

[9:19]that you are ready for marriage.

[9:21]There are a lot of people they get married because they see

[9:24]everyone else is doing it.

[9:27]They get married because they just want to fill their bucket list

[9:30]of things that they did when they are not ready to get

[9:33]married.

[9:34]Maybe a person is physically mature but mentally they're immature.

[9:39]Maybe they are socially not ready.

[9:42]The guy wants to hang out with his bros every night but

[9:45]he still wants to be married.

[9:45]So you have to be ready for the marriage and marriage requires

[9:51]commitment.

[9:52]Marriage [clears throat] requires responsibility and this is why this is something

[9:57]that is very important.

[9:57]Or a lot of times you see some some ladies they want

[10:02]the perks of marriage.

[10:03]I'm going to post the nice pictures on Instagram.

[10:06]I'm going to make I'm going to show everyone the dress and

[10:08]everything that I had and the party and all the fun that

[10:11]came with it, but when it comes to the responsibilities of marriage,

[10:14]I'm not ready for that.

[10:18]So, this is a problem.

[10:18]And these are they sound these are problems that sound funny to

[10:22]talk about, but these are real issues.

[10:23]People want to get married but they are not mature enough to

[10:30]understand the responsibilities and the duties of the marriage.

[10:33]And some people have the idea that ya Allah marry this person

[10:38]and once they get married then they will mature then they will

[10:42]grow then they will learn once they are married.

[10:46]Well, yes, maybe marriage will solve a lot of your problems.

[10:48]Maybe marriage will put order and structure in your life.

[10:54]But sometimes there are underlying issues that even marriage cannot solve.

[10:58]There are people that enter into a relationship not realizing they're going

[11:01]to cause problems for the other person.

[11:03]Maybe they have an addiction.

[11:06]Maybe some people they have an addiction of talking to every girl

[11:08]that's out there and then they come and they want to get

[11:12]married thinking that that is going to immediately solve all of their

[11:16]problems when it's going to cause a nightmare and going to cause

[11:18]a problem for your spouse.

[11:18]Or maybe there are people that have addiction, addiction to shopping, addiction

[11:23]to drugs, addiction to pornography and then they come and they enter

[11:28]into the relationship and this makes the marriage very difficult.

[11:33]Now you're creating problems for the other person.

[11:35]So there sometimes yes marriage is a solution.

[11:39]Marriage is a form of immunity to many problems and this is

[11:46]why Islam encourages su encourages marriages.

[11:49]But we are living in a time we are living in a

[11:52]society where we where a lot of people suffer from addictions.

[11:58]Many people suffer from underlying issues and these issues even marriage itself

[12:03]cannot solve.

[12:03]You need to figure out a solution to these problems.

[12:06]You need to change your lifestyle habits and then you go and

[12:09]you bring someone else in your life.

[12:11]Otherwise, this is going to make the other person's life a living

[12:16]hell.

[12:17]So the this is something that is very important.

[12:18]Inshallah in the next we will talk about what to now you

[12:23]we talked about the prerequisites.

[12:26]Nextb we will talk about what to look for in a spouse.

[12:41]Allahhammed.

[12:50]Alhamdulillah.

[12:53]Alhamdulillah.

[13:22]Ali Muhammadu Muhammad.

[13:28]Ali Muhammadu.

[13:38]Ali Ali Hussein Muhammad Ali Muhammadu.

[14:31]My dear brothers and sisters, we are talking about the prerequisites of

[14:36]marriage and how one should prepare themselves for marriage.

[14:43]How one should be mature and ready to get married.

[14:49]How one has to have an agreement.

[14:51]how one has to make that decision on their own and use

[14:54]reason.

[14:54]And when it comes to who to marry, this is a very

[15:00]important issue.

[14:59]This is a very serious matter and it's the most important decision

[15:06]that you make in your life.

[15:07]And this is a choice that every person they are entitled to

[15:14]make.

[15:15]Sometimes because of social pressures, sometimes because of family pressures, people are

[15:19]forced into marrying someone not because they chose this person but because

[15:25]society imposed this decision on me or because family members imposed this

[15:31]decision on me.

[15:33]In Islam, every person, male or female, they make the decision who

[15:36]they want to marry.

[15:38]A man comes to imaff the sixth im of and he tells

[15:45]him that I want to marry someone and my parents are telling

[15:48]me to marry someone else.

[15:52]So who should I marry?

[15:53]The imisam tells him marry the one that you want to marry

[15:58]not the one that your parents are telling you to marry.

[16:00]Why?

[16:00]Because this is a person you're going to be living with not

[16:03]a person that your parents are going to be living with.

[16:08]And here some parents they wrong their children.

[16:13]They they they force their children into becoming they force their children

[16:17]into disobedience.

[16:18]And there's actually a hadith from where the prophet curses the parents

[16:25]that force their children to become meaning don't corner your son or

[16:33]your daughter in a position where they have to disagree with me

[16:36]and they have to hurt me and then they become a as

[16:41]a result of that.

[16:41]So that's why one should be somewhat easygoing.

[16:44]Now, yes, the father and the mother, they have the right to

[16:48]direct the children, to direct their family.

[16:50]No, I I want this, I want that.

[16:52]But don't choose who they're marrying.

[16:54]Direct them, guide them, help them.

[16:57]And but ultimately, the decision of who one marries.

[17:02]This is a decision that a person they make themselves, whether it

[17:06]is the man or the daughter.

[17:07]Even the daughter was when Ali is there someone that was that

[17:16]was better than he was the most compatible partner to Fatimas Allah

[17:20]knows that and this was something that was obvious to everyone.

[17:22]However, even when Im Ali Alam he came and he proposed to

[17:29]marry Fatima Zasool Allah tells him let me ask Fat and he

[17:32]goes and he speaks to his daughter Fatima and he tells her

[17:37]Ali has come to propose and you know who Ali is.

[17:38]So if you agree just give me let me know and she

[17:42]lets him know that she agrees to marry Ali.

[17:46]So when it comes to choosing the spouse, what are some qualities

[17:52]that one should look for?

[17:55]When it comes to talking about this, the theoretical part of this,

[17:59]it's very easy to talk about it.

[18:01]But when it comes to actual implementation, you see a lot of

[18:04]people fall in the wrong.

[18:06]We all say, "Yes, I want to marry a mman.

[18:08]I want to marry someone who's God conscious, someone who's this and

[18:11]that." But then when it comes to real life, you see people,

[18:13]they make decisions that are hurtful.

[18:15]Most people they make decisions based on these two reasons.

[18:22]Who has the most wealth and who has the best looks.

[18:25]These are the biggest driving force in choosing who you marry.

[18:32]You number one people look at the money and number two people

[18:36]look at the looks and that is what drives people.

[18:41]Now yes everyone wants to marry someone that has wealth.

[18:45]No one wants to marry someone that does not have anything because

[18:48]in the end you are living with this person and you want

[18:50]to have a life with this person.

[18:54]But it there's a difference between finding someone that is hardworking that

[18:59]has the ability the means to potentially make wealth versus someone who

[19:04]is just looking at wealth thinking that wealth is going to bring

[19:10]happiness.

[19:11]Now yes money it's a means it's a way to achieve happiness

[19:13]but money is not money by itself does not bring happiness you

[19:20]need you could use the wealth to live a life that will

[19:22]bring you satisfaction and happiness so you see some people they are

[19:26]living they have the wealth but they're living prisoners to the wealth

[19:29]that they have instead of having the wealth serve them their whole

[19:34]life is defined by how I can increase my wealth how I

[19:37]could how I could have more.

[19:39]Their their lives are prisoners of the wealth that they have.

[19:42]This is number one.

[19:44]And number two, focusing on the looks.

[19:46]Now, yes, everyone wants to marry someone that looks good.

[19:50]But having that be the only focus have focusing only on the

[19:57]superficial, on the appearances, this is also something that could be harmful.

[20:02]There are deeper things that are beautiful.

[20:05]The intellect is beautiful.

[20:05]The iman is beautiful.

[20:06]finding someone that you could build a family with, that is something

[20:11]that is beautiful.

[20:11]But when you're only focusing on the appearances, then this becomes wrong.

[20:18]And he says in aith, he says, "Be careful from the green

[20:27]of the tell him, what are you talking about?" He he says,

[20:38]They tell him what is that you're telling us to be careful

[20:44]from?

[20:45]He says the beautiful lady in a bad atmosphere in a bad

[20:48]society in a bad community.

[20:49]Meaning that all that she has to offer is beauty.

[20:52]There's no iman, there's no tawa, there's no nothing else behind that.

[20:56]And that is something that is wrong.

[20:59]So what is someone what are what are certain things that one

[21:04]is supposed to focus on according to Islam?

[21:08]Number one, focus on faith.

[21:08]Having that faith, this is something that is very important.

[21:11]This is something that will help you deal with challenges and problems

[21:15]and difficulties in life.

[21:18]When God is at the center of the family, when God is

[21:20]at the center, the focal point of the marriage, this will be

[21:25]something that will bring satisfaction and happiness.

[21:26]Allah says in the Quran, for so Allah says in the Quran

[21:56]do not marry the mushri someone who's a polytheist.

[21:58]Even if you are interested in her or same with the guy,

[22:02]even if you're interested in him, don't.

[22:04]And marrying a slave and marrying a slave that has nothing, but

[22:14]he's a mman.

[22:16]This is better than marrying a wealthy polytheist.

[22:20]Why?

[22:19]Because this one brings you to God.

[22:23]This one will strengthen your relationship with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

[22:28]A man comes to Im Hussein and he tells him, "I have

[22:30]daughters and every day, every few days, people come and they propose.

[22:36]They ask me to marry my daughter.

[22:38]Who should I give my daughter to?" The Imam Alisam tells him,

[22:41]"Marry your daughter to someone that has the fear of God.

[22:46]Marry your daughter to someone that has faith in Allah." Because even

[22:49]if he had a disagreement with her, he knows that God is

[22:52]in the equation.

[22:54]He knows that Allah is watching and therefore he's not going to

[22:56]oppress her because a lot of times people are good with one

[23:01]another until there's a disagreement and then you see this person becomes

[23:04]a loose cannon.

[23:06]You see this person, that's it.

[23:08]There's no bound, no boundaries, nothing to contain them.

[23:10]But a person that is God-fearing, even if they have a disagreement

[23:16]with their partner, but when they know that Allah subhana wa ta'ala

[23:19]is watching, when they know that God is in that relationship, then

[23:22]therefore they're going to be very careful.

[23:25]Therefore, they are careful what they say.

[23:27]They're careful when they get angry, they're careful when they're happy.

[23:30]Have to know that Allah subhana wa ta'ala is watching.

[23:33]Number two, something very important to look for in a relationship is

[23:38]someone that has someone that has manners, someone that you could live

[23:41]with.

[23:42]Maybe this person prays every night, but then the moment you talk

[23:48]to them, the moment you disagree with them, you see this person

[23:51]blows up in your face and you can't even have a conversation

[23:53]with this person.

[23:55]What kind of a life is that?

[23:56]How could you live with someone that does not have the decency

[23:59]that cannot have a conversation with you?

[24:01]This is something that is very important and it's very important to

[24:05]test someone's in that getting to know period.

[24:08]Test their test them how they react when they angry.

[24:13]How how do they react when they are happy?

[24:16]How do they react in times when things are not going the

[24:18]way they want?

[24:20]Because marriage, you're going to see a lot of issues that happen

[24:23]in your life that are not the way that you want.

[24:25]It's out of your control.

[24:26]How you react defines who you are and how you react defines

[24:30]how that marriage is going to be.

[24:33]Whether it's going to be a blessed marriage or not.

[24:36]So here having that good manners is something very important.

[24:42]Look at on her deathbed.

[24:44]She tells when before she gives him her before she gives him

[24:48]her will, she tells him.

[24:58]He says, "Oh Ali, I never you never saw me.

[25:03]I never did anything to lie to you or to betray you

[25:09]or disobey you the whole time that we were married.

[25:16]And he also says the same thing about he says many years

[25:24]later he says by God I never angered her.

[25:27]I never angered her and I never forced her to do something

[25:34]the whole time that we were married to one another.

[25:35]Find me a relationship, find me a marriage where one could say

[25:39]confidently say, "I never angered my partner.

[25:42]I never forced my partner to do something that is out of

[25:48]their will, something that they don't want to do." This comes from

[25:51]my dear brothers and sisters.

[25:52]This comes from having that decency, having that consciousness to understand to

[25:57]treat other people the way you like to be treated.

[26:00]There are some people maybe they're god-fearing, maybe they're mine, but when

[26:05]it comes to decency, when it comes to common sense in the

[26:08]relationship, none of that is there.

[26:10]They only focus on themselves.

[26:11]They only focus on their own pleasure, their own satisfaction.

[26:16]They're only focused on their own comfort and ignoring and neglecting the

[26:21]needs of others.

[26:21]This is number two.

[26:24]And number three, when you're looking for some someone to marry, choosing

[26:28]a spouse, you have the right to pick any qualities that you

[26:32]want.

[26:32]Maybe your lifestyle requires you to have someone that has this level

[26:36]of knowledge, this level level of learning, this education, these passions, these

[26:41]habits.

[26:42]There are certain things that one should look for but it's very

[26:47]important to pay attention to this and this is where I want

[26:53]to conclude that these qualities and traits in the spouse you look

[26:58]at someone they have qualities and traits these traits and qualities are

[27:02]going to be inherited into the children it's not only the genes

[27:06]that get inherited it's the qualities and the traits meaning someone is

[27:11]a generous person you find generosity transfers and passes down to the

[27:15]children.

[27:16]Someone is a loving compassionate person that quality is going to pass

[27:22]down to their children because we pass down without even realizing we

[27:27]teach our children these habits.

[27:28]And here this is where IM Ali after the death of Fat

[27:35]you know Fatam she passed away months after Ali lived for over

[27:43]30 years after the death of Fatim and he ended up getting

[27:46]married.

[27:47]But he tells his brother, he tells him, "Oh my dear brother,

[27:55]I want you to find me a wife that was born from

[27:56]brave men." I want you to find me a lady that was

[28:06]that comes from a family of bravery.

[28:09]Tells him, "Why do you want someone that that is when it

[28:13]comes to the wife, that's not something that someone usually looks for?"

[28:17]He tells him because I want to have children from her that

[28:21]will support my son Hussein on the day of and ends up

[28:30]marrying a lady by the name of who ended up being known

[28:40]as she had four children Abbas Abdullah Jaffar and they were all

[28:45]sacrificed In the way of Imam Hussein on the day of Kbala

[28:48]they all gave their life.

[28:51]Within one hour all of them were killed in the way of

[28:53]Im Hussein.

[28:55]They did not hesitate.

[28:55]Why?

[28:56]Because they had two very important qualities.

[28:59]One is the nature.

[29:01]Meaning they inherited these qualities of bravery from their mother from their

[29:06]father as well.

[29:07]The im the love for the B.

[29:09]They inherited that from their mother.

[29:11]And number two they had the nurture.

[29:14]The nurture they were nurtured with the love of Muhammad Ali Muhammad.

[29:22]>> They were taught from a young age how important it is

[29:27]to love the B.

[29:30]And when you are taught that from a young age, this is

[29:33]why the role of the parent is very important to teach your

[29:38]children these things.

[29:38]This is why we have malis for Im Hussein, for the B.

[29:42]Why uh am I just gathering to cry to remember an event

[29:45]that happened 1400 years ago and cry?

[29:47]No.

[29:47]I want to teach future generations and I want to teach my

[29:50]children that this is what will give you dignity and honor in

[29:56]your life.

[29:58]And this is what she did.

[30:01]She taught her children how to sacrifice for the B.

[30:06]She used to feed Im Hussein even when he was a child.

[30:10]She used to feed him before she feeds her own children.

[30:13]This is the sacrifice that she had.

[30:20]And this instilled in her children how to give up and sacrifice.

[30:23]And this is what the B this is what Islam teaches us

[30:27]to give for those who are in need to support those who

[30:30]are in need.

[30:32]My dear brothers and sisters, today marks the anniversary of the death

[30:37]of Banin.

[30:38]She died in the year 64 after Hijra, several years after Ash

[30:42]and she had sacrificed four of her beloved children in the way

[30:45]of Im Hussein.

[30:48]My dear brothers and sisters, we ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to

[30:54]grant us the z and the shaf of this honorable lady.

[30:58]I want to ask you all to recite fat for the soul

[31:04]of our aunt, my father's aunt, my grandmother's sister who passed away

[31:10]yesterday in Karbala and she also lost four of her children.

[31:13]Three were killed by Saddam and one of them after the fall

[31:18]of Saddam because of kidney failure he passed away.

[31:21]And she remained patient.

[31:23]She remained patient her whole life and in the last few months

[31:27]she lost her vision and she passed away.

[31:29]So we ask you all to recite surah fat for her soul.

[31:34]And today a young man a friend called me from from Canada

[31:37]and he told me that his nephew who was seven years old

[31:43]he passed away suddenly passed away and it's a big shock for

[31:46]the family.

[31:48]So we ask you all to recite surah fat for their souls

[31:53]and we have one of our brothers uh from the community Dr.

[31:55]Malik Haid the dentist many of you know his mother is also

[32:00]ill and she is in need of dua.

[32:03]So we will recite for the and for the of those who

[32:06]are in need.

[32:21]All nochech.

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What to Look for in a Spouse - Sayed Saleh Qazwini

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