Living A Balanced Life - Hajjah Najah Bazzy | The Muslim Youth Connection

2 Bekeken· 20/12/15

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Transcript

[0:01][Music] [Applause] [Music] muhammad so i'm going to talk today kind of

[0:34]as a continuation from last week and kind of a continuation of

[0:38]what it means to live a balanced life now i know that

[0:41]people who are listening today could be anywhere from eight to 88

[0:45]and and maybe even older and last week we had people who

[0:50]were watching from different parts of the country and i would also

[0:54]like to welcome you so but for all all you know uh

[0:59]intention my goal is to really speak to the youth and um

[1:01]if inshallah something that i may say may be beneficial to those

[1:07]who are past our youth then that's all the better but just

[1:10]so that you know that this is really geared to a younger

[1:14]audience so living a balanced life like what does that really mean

[1:20]and today when i was thinking about i thought to myself you

[1:22]know let me go ahead and look that up on the quran

[1:24]and let's see you know how you can do those word counts

[1:26]in quran i really wondered how many times it was that it

[1:30]was mentioned in quran interestingly enough in one of the interpretations in

[1:34]english of quran i didn't look it up in the arabic text

[1:39]um the concept of balance comes up 11 times and what was

[1:44]so neat about it i like at least in that moment was

[1:48]because you know when you think of the number 11 right you're

[1:51]thinking about this and if you're thinking about this you're thinking about

[1:54]like like this right and the idea that just even the number

[1:58]11 was balanced i know there's a scientology to that in the

[2:01]quran i'm not saying that that's where i was going with it

[2:05]but i just found it fascinating so what i want to do

[2:08]today in this discussion of course i want to take the question

[2:10]and answers but i also want to kind of just start i

[2:14]want to clear our heads i want to clear our hearts and

[2:17]i just kind of want to start from the absolute beginning trying

[2:21]to make a case for not only why we should live a

[2:25]balanced life but how we could live a balanced life now we're

[2:30]going to sometimes fall off absolutely that's natural but let's go ahead

[2:35]and get going so why is this issue of balance such an

[2:39]important discipline and balance is a discipline by the way balance is

[2:46]not a human trait balance is a discipline right something we have

[2:49]to teach ourselves to do so let's start by um you know

[2:53]thinking about before we were even here when when we came into

[3:00]the world prior to our coming into the world there was a

[3:04]universe and if we think about the structure of the universe right

[3:07]you would think about the way that it is balanced correct right

[3:11]we have oxygen and nitrogen we have carbon we have a perfect

[3:19]orbit we have a system the day doesn't take over the night

[3:20]the night doesn't take over the day i mean just read the

[3:24]sun quran everything swims in an orbit that's perfect so from an

[3:29]atmosphere perspective from the way the universe was created it was created

[3:35]in a perfection right it was created in a harmony but it

[3:38]was also created in a balance and that my sons and daughters

[3:43]and brothers and sisters was created for us so to imagine that

[3:48]there was this perfect creator with this perfect universe waiting for this

[3:54]imperfect human being to arrive right so if we think about that

[4:04]environment before we come into this world we know that the stage

[4:08]is set it's set for our survival now let's talk about what

[4:13]happens when we're in the womb again a perfect system in the

[4:18]womb we have a system where an umbilical cord is feeding you

[4:22]and i a system where the water in the womb is neither

[4:26]too hot nor is the water too cold if it was too

[4:29]hot it would burn your very soft skin if it was too

[4:34]cold the water would actually probably stop your heart so we have

[4:38]perfection within the womb the ability to have perfection in the womb

[4:42]is what allow us to grow and to come into full maturation

[4:46]as an infant right sometimes we don't think about these things because

[4:50]we're so stuck in our heads and our days and about ourselves

[4:53]but we don't think about all the appropriate property preparation that went

[4:57]into getting us here now let's talk about your mom in the

[5:05]perfect sauce the perfect milk that god gave her to sustain you

[5:10]neither too hot neither too cold always the right temperature always available

[5:15]when you need it nutritious there is no liquid on earth that

[5:21]we drink that has the perfection that the milk of a mother

[5:24]has no formula no formula has been created that can be exactly

[5:30]what a mother's milk is it may come close but if you

[5:33]look at the back of those cans of those formulas they seem

[5:36]to have like 50 ingredients sometimes i cringe thinking about what's actually

[5:42]going into that baby right so then if we think about ourselves

[5:47]in the next stage of our lives right we begin to recognize

[5:54]things we begin to understand as we grow and start to crawl

[5:58]and start to discover and our brains are starting to connect our

[6:02]neurons are connecting in our brains and we start then to get

[6:06]a sense of balance and we start to stand we hang on

[6:11]to a table or we hang on to a chair we fall

[6:17]down we get back up we hold on to the table again

[6:19]we then get a little bit courageous and we start to know

[6:24]how to hold our head in a perfect spot and how to

[6:29]put one leg in front of the other hence we learn to

[6:33]walk all of this before we start to really think about concepts

[6:42]then we become these toddlers the curious toddler right and we learn

[6:47]so many things as a toddler it's like the world becomes our

[6:49]playground you learned when something was hot you learned when something was

[6:56]cold you learned boundaries you learned to speak you learned language you

[7:00]learned to cry when something bothered you and you learned to smile

[7:06]and laugh you started to master emotions you learned how to actually

[7:12]manipulate your environment and you are probably only two years old by

[7:18]the time you were two two and a half years old your

[7:22]personality was pretty set your parents could probably see traits in you

[7:27]and those traits stayed with you kindness goodness smartness um inquisitive all

[7:34]those kinds of things that we see in children let's now move

[7:41]the timeline let's move it to when we are you know 8

[7:43]9 10 11 12 years old you're starting to get that sense

[7:48]of yourself so so far everything's been pretty balanced you haven't really

[7:53]had to do too too much your parents are taking care of

[7:58]you but you start to get a sense of yourself you start

[8:00]to see that you have your own identity your parents have their

[8:05]identity but you belong to the same family so now we have

[8:10]a new scenario because now you're learning to have to balance on

[8:13]your own true you've been in school for a couple of years

[8:16]but you're starting to differentiate yourself you're starting to see yourself as

[8:24]part of the big picture family but also as your own individual

[8:27]self your own identity and so we start negotiating and trying to

[8:33]balance our identities inside our hearts inside our homes outside our homes

[8:40]in school and we start to put on different faces in different

[8:43]places because we're learning to negotiate and balance those identities let's take

[8:51]it up a notch let's say we're 18 years old and now

[8:55]it's time to make some very major decisions about our life you

[8:59]have school you're thinking about which degree you want you're thinking about

[9:03]whether or not you want to go to college how you're going

[9:05]to afford college whether or not you have the grades to get

[9:09]into college what kind of university can you get into where you're

[9:13]going to get financial aid from are you leaning on your parents

[9:17]how are you getting loans you're starting to really negotiate like you

[9:19]need a car you don't know how that's all going to happen

[9:23]some people have it very easy and are fully supported by their

[9:27]parents while others really have to struggle to figure out these decisions

[9:30]got a lot going on somewhere along the way you learned from

[9:37]your past experiences from as little as two years old up to

[9:43]18 how to make those decisions now you might think that this

[9:46]is a little silly but i'm going to take you through some

[9:48]leadership exercises i actually teach when i'm teaching leadership classes publicly i

[9:55]want you for a minute to think about being on a playground

[10:00]of all things i like using analogies because i think the analogies

[10:04]actually stick with us and the analogies can last with us if

[10:08]you imagine that you're on a playground right and you're going to

[10:13]the teeter-totter this is the one um whatever you call it uh

[10:19]playground piece of equipment that's always fascinated me why because when you

[10:24]teeter totter don't you go like this right so let's assume that

[10:30]you're here on the teeter-totter like this right doesn't somebody have to

[10:36]sit on the other side to get you to balance out okay

[10:42]that's the analogy we're going to use for a few minutes here

[10:45]as silly as it may seem sometimes the simplest concepts are the

[10:49]ones that we're going to remember the most so a teeter-totter has

[10:54]the ability to take you up and bring you down life has

[11:01]the ability to take you up and to bring you down on

[11:03]that teeter-totter you have to have something that's going to balance you

[11:11]out so since you can't do it on your own you can't

[11:13]take yourself up or down you have a choice to make about

[11:17]who's going to sit or what is going to sit on the

[11:23]other side so let's say that it's your education that is going

[11:28]to sit on the other side that education now sits you're here

[11:34]you're down right you're aspiring to go up because of your education

[11:41]so that education is in the other seat you have to make

[11:46]decisions about how that education is going to work to bring you

[11:51]a balanced quality life what is the degree going to be how

[11:57]much money can you make after you've studied is the degree going

[12:00]to give you a quality of life that you want are you

[12:03]going to be able to help others because of what your education

[12:07]is is the money going to allow you to do philanthropy or

[12:12]not are you going to be able to help take care of

[12:17]your parents or whatever needs to be managed is your degree going

[12:20]to give you flexibility and is it going to give you freedom

[12:25]because if your degree doesn't give you a sense of freedom in

[12:27]your life meaning that you're not working 100 hours a week your

[12:36]education then is something that's providing you balance so it's important because

[12:44]the question is who's in charge that's the question are you the

[12:52]person inviting someone or something to sit on that other side to

[12:56]bring you up hopefully not to bring you down very often but

[13:01]to give you balance are you in control of that or is

[13:06]it controlling you if you're in control of it if you're making

[13:10]those decisions you're in a place of balance and you're in a

[13:16]place of empowerment so that's just one example of what's sitting on

[13:21]the other side let's talk about your lifetime partner let's just say

[13:27]there's a lineup of things or people waiting to come take their

[13:34]turn on that teeter-totter of your life now a person comes up

[13:42]not your education you're scoping it out looks pretty good you give

[13:47]them a chance to sit they may bring you way high keep

[13:53]you there but remember whatever goes up what must come down or

[14:01]they have you down way too low down because they're unhealthy for

[14:08]you because they don't provide for you the things that you need

[14:12]and you may not provide what they need it's not a good

[14:19]balance giving thought to that lifetime partner that's going to sit on

[14:23]the other side in creating that sense of balance is so very

[14:28]very important now remember i said that sense of balance why because

[14:35]one day that person is your co-pilot and if you're flying a

[14:40]plane you have to have a competent co-pilot that means that that

[14:48]co-pilot can fly that plane safely they understand the mechanics of it

[14:55]the passengers meaning your children your family who are on that plane

[14:59]with you are safe it means that if you have to fall

[15:03]asleep or if you get sick god forbid or something happens your

[15:08]work takes you away that co-pilot is there and that co-pilot is

[15:14]stable your life partner should be somebody that flies with you when

[15:22]the wind is smooth and can handle it when the wind is

[15:27]turbulent that's who should sit on the other side in terms of

[15:35]your life partner these are critical things we have to think about

[15:39]it may not always be the prettiest face or the body or

[15:46]the handsomest guy or the richest or the coolest or whatever you

[15:50]have to really think but let me tell you something if you

[15:55]give it a try and they sit on that seat and you

[15:59]find out soon enough that you're always low get them off the

[16:06]seat don't waste your time it's critical because we don't know you

[16:14]know sometimes in relationships we never want to give up we always

[16:20]have hope but i say this to you because i want you

[16:22]to have an analogy in your head because sometimes our emotions take

[16:28]us over and we can't think straight does this person give you

[16:34]balance if the answer is yes it's a great teeter-totter for life

[16:38]let's talk about our parents and our family life we talk a

[16:43]lot about this at the retreats because it's a safe space to

[16:48]talk let's face it let's call it what it is some people

[16:50]have very very very healthy home life and some people do not

[16:56]and that is because you know a lot of people are very

[17:03]broken and they learn to bring their brokenness into a marriage thinking

[17:05]that a partner is going to fix them or the marriage is

[17:09]going to fix it that's not the way it works we can

[17:13]only fix ourselves our partners cannot fix us and we cannot fix

[17:18]them but you have the luxury of thinking about it maybe many

[17:24]of your parents didn't have that luxury maybe many of your parents

[17:29]didn't have you know the freedom that you might have to make

[17:33]these choices but in the end you know again keep that co-pilot

[17:40]not your assistant literally your co-pilot in mind because what you've grown

[17:48]up with if it's healthy you want to keep it but if

[17:53]it's been unhealthy for you you don't want to recreate that unhealthiness

[17:58]in your own home you have a chance to turn it around

[18:02]whether that requires the balance of getting therapy whether that requires the

[18:09]balance of you know getting your head on straight your emotions strong

[18:15]finding god talking to someone who can help you out whatever it

[18:20]is you got to recognize what's broken before you take that big

[18:25]leap into a marriage this is why we have about a 60

[18:30]divorce rate is because people are thinking that they can fix their

[18:38]selves through bringing in another person into their life or then they

[18:41]get married and the teeter tart is really off balance so they

[18:44]think oh if i have children that's going to fix the problem

[18:47]and it doesn't fix the problem and then children end up becoming

[18:50]victims and then the home and the is broken and so and

[18:56]i'm not saying that all divorced families are unhealthy sometimes a divorced

[19:01]family is healthier than a family that's not a divorced family but

[19:05]what i am saying is you have an opportunity when you're 18

[19:10]19 20 21 22 23 25 30 to really make some solid

[19:18]decisions about who that partner ought to be and then of course

[19:21]you know to always continuously do process improvement with yourself now let's

[19:26]say that it's um you know again coming back to the family

[19:31]relationship let's just say it's the parents who or your siblings who

[19:36]are sitting on that chair on that teeter-totter taking turns and it's

[19:42]not always balanced the question is what can you do you can't

[19:47]really kick them off and you can't kick them out of line

[19:50]right it's your family but guess what you can do and i

[19:57]say this from a place of love you can decide to get

[20:03]off the teeter-totter yourself for a while you can decide that what

[20:07]you can't fix you can disengage and i don't mean disengaged by

[20:12]being disrespectful i mean disengage right here you remain respectful you find

[20:19]a way to deal with it you get the help that you

[20:23]need to tweak it you try your best to keep harmony and

[20:26]balance in your family home and sometimes you might be the only

[20:31]person who can do that so as we talk about this balancing

[20:36]of our education of our life just always remember you didn't learn

[20:42]to walk right away you had to go through so many steps

[20:46]so much had to be prepared for you before you are able

[20:49]to even balance yourself i want to talk to you about three

[20:56]really powerful principles in leadership the first one is to be proactive

[21:02]okay that is in the seven habits of highly effective people which

[21:05]i talk about read the book just go get the book off

[21:06]amazon and read it if you haven't read it it's a book

[21:11]for the lifetime it really is i'm laughing because i always have

[21:13]to look at this little camera hole here and i can't shift

[21:18]my eyes because i want to look at janet and have a

[21:20]conversation with her but i'm having to look cheap this way but

[21:23]let's say um with with these habits that you actually try to

[21:28]islamicize them right the seven habits were created and the book was

[21:37]written by um stephen covey who's a member of the church of

[21:40]jesus christ of latter-day saints he's a mormon but the mormon value

[21:44]system and from the code of ethics that they live by in

[21:51]terms of you know no alcohol no this no caffeine many many

[21:55]things it's very similar to islam it's a very strong moral code

[22:00]so he writes in the first habit that the first habit to

[22:03]be successful and effective is to be proactive okay so there are

[22:12]some muslims who do nothing they really do not think what i

[22:17]mean by that is they believe that by doing nothing they're actually

[22:22]doing something but nothingness is the absence nothingness is the absence of

[22:34]something so when you think about your life do you think that

[22:41]you're just supposed to stand there and let god just you know

[22:48]work on you in other words you're going to occupy space you're

[22:53]going to use time you're going to be a consumer of food

[22:59]and of clothing and of education and of resources but you're of

[23:04]the belief well whatever god wants to do god is going to

[23:09]do so i have no input because god's going to do it

[23:11]anyway let me tell you something i hear that and it makes

[23:17]me a little nuts because that is not being proactive that's being

[23:22]reactive to nothingness and it's actually an insult to god because god

[23:29]gave you a cognition god gave you an intellect not only did

[23:33]god give you the intellect god created the intellect and he created

[23:38]it and he put it in you that's why you're a human

[23:42]being and you're not an animal so to say that we don't

[23:46]have a proactive role in our life that we can't change the

[23:50]course of our life that we cannot affect positive change in our

[23:53]life this is a very very very wrong way to think i

[23:59]hear people say this often well this is just the way it

[24:05]is this is what god willed yes god is always in control

[24:09]no doubt god always knows what's going to happen no doubt but

[24:14]god also has the power to respond to our ability to be

[24:21]proactive in our life you see that's the challenge that is the

[24:25]jihad that's the capacity i talk about at the retreats you have

[24:31]a capacity when you learn to work your capacity let's say you

[24:36]took your capacity to here okay once you get your capacity to

[24:40]here the lit comes off if you're willing to be in god's

[24:45]world gotta lift that lit and he'll give you a new capacity

[24:49]because god always wants us to grow he wants us to reach

[24:53]our full potential so be proactive doesn't mean i'm just gonna be

[24:58]a consumer of life it means no i'm going to be proactive

[25:02]so that means you're going to get on the teeter-totter that's what

[25:08]that means you're going to think about your decisions now the second

[25:14]habit that follows that first habit is to begin with the end

[25:22]in mind so be proactive and then begin with the end in

[25:25]mind this is how you accomplish balance in life so what's it

[25:29]mean to begin with the end in mind i mean if we

[25:34]were to islamicize this we would say okay that means right but

[25:41]it it does of course because that is our end goal our

[25:46]heaven or our hell but you can apply that put first things

[25:48]first to everything in life i mean sorry begin with the end

[25:53]in mind to everything in life so let's say you're going to

[25:57]go to school don't you need to know what your end goal

[25:58]is before you go to school of course you do so let's

[26:02]say it's med school okay so you know med school is going

[26:06]to take four years of undergrad four years of med school three

[26:10]to four years of residency and a fellowship if you decide to

[26:13]do that okay by the time you're done with med school you're

[26:16]almost 30 years old so from the time you're 18 till the

[26:20]time you're 30 if you begin with the end in mind you

[26:22]know that you're going to float this boat until you're 30 years

[26:28]old so what are you going to do between 18 and 30

[26:30]so that when you are at the end you still had a

[26:37]balanced life right so you have to think about those things let's

[26:40]say you're going to have children let's say you're going to get

[26:43]married whatever it may be what is the end in mind but

[26:47]the ultimate end in mind is can you get yourself to your

[26:53]eternity can you get yourself to heaven if you're if you practice

[26:58]being proactive and beginning with the end in mind you will be

[27:05]a complete and total success because if we really think about what

[27:10]is important to us you would never say in a million years

[27:17]oh sure my ended mind is to go to hell would never

[27:20]say that you would say my independent mind is to go to

[27:26]heaven to see my family to be with them to be reunited

[27:28]with them to live like the quran says in this glorious state

[27:34]of peace who wouldn't want that but it comes down to the

[27:39]choices we make so the third balancing act is put first things

[27:49]first that's the third principle so if you put first things first

[27:55]now you're able to strategize you're able to say okay let's see

[28:00]i'm gonna do something about this i'm going to be proactive about

[28:03]the decisions i make i'm going to decide who's on the teeter-totter

[28:06]who's not i'm going to decide how my end in mind is

[28:13]going to look and now i have to put first things first

[28:15]in order to get there right so i'm going to give you

[28:21]another analogy i love analogies right so let's use the analogy of

[28:30]um let's use the analogy of a football team okay i'm not

[28:39]a football fan a little bit more on the basketball watch my

[28:43]kids play basketball watch them play hockey you know but family's a

[28:50]football fan so i've grown up watching it especially the michigan michigan

[28:54]state game in the michigan ohio state game so for those of

[28:56]you who are non-michigan people you still know that that's a big

[29:02]rivalry let's say that you have a chance to play football okay

[29:08]i don't care if you're a guy or a girl doesn't matter

[29:11]you can apply any sport you want why don't you apply any

[29:14]sport you want as we're having this conversation and i don't mean

[29:17]to be juvenile here i'm really serious about this stuff i think

[29:19]about these things all the time so it's the analogies that i

[29:22]use for myself that's why i'm sharing them with you as well

[29:25]okay let's say you have team angels you have team demons now

[29:34]we have angels here they are salaam alaikum and we have demons

[29:44]why that's part of that yin yang balancing thing right okay so

[29:50]let's say you're a quarterback okay so you're obviously going to choose

[29:57]team angels right because your end in mind is going to happen

[30:04]so you're playing on team angels team demons they're exactly what they're

[30:10]called right they're sneaky they don't play by the rules but you

[30:15]do because team angels has a rule book that's written by god

[30:21]so you play by those rules you know where the goal is

[30:28]the goal post is mecca it's the direction that you pray in

[30:31]every time you score is because you've had the thought in mind

[30:41]your end in mind is to score to get that ball into

[30:49]the goal you do that every time you pray score every time

[30:55]you fast you score every time you do a good deed you

[31:03]score you're playing offense when you're on the angels team now let's

[31:10]just say you win you win big those angels are going to

[31:14]pick you up they're going to carry you on their shoulders and

[31:20]they're going to ascend you to heaven and there is the biggest

[31:27]celebration that you couldn't even imagine more glorious than anything you could

[31:30]have imagined and you're greeted by people you love your family members

[31:38]everything and anything that you ever wanted is there for you and

[31:43]you're in a state of eternal salah but let's say you decided

[31:52]to pick the demon's team so let's say you decided to run

[32:00]with them and they cheat they're sneaky they don't play by the

[32:08]rules but let's just say you score with them they're not going

[32:11]to put you on their shoulders they're going to pull you by

[32:18]your helmet and they're going to drag you not like this like

[32:21]this and they're going to throw you into a place you don't

[32:26]want to be now hell can also be on earth because with

[32:34]the more sins we commit the darker our souls grow and the

[32:41]darker our souls grow the further we are away from god and

[32:45]the further we are away from god the further we are from

[32:54]any sense of peace we're in chaos and little by little by

[32:59]little you helped that team win but they don't want to go

[33:07]with you they want you to go on your own that's the

[33:10]choice you have to make between who helps you and who hurts

[33:18]you those demons can be sitting on that teeter-totter and i'm not

[33:21]saying this to scare you but sometimes we have friends and we

[33:24]think that they're the best of people but sometimes they can be

[33:29]the worst of people for you because they may not be aligned

[33:34]with your values bad people want to take what's in us and

[33:40]make us worse good people want to pull you up take what's

[33:45]good in you and make it better in the end the choice

[33:48]is yours right because you're being proactive so let's go back now

[33:56]to the airplane analogy let's just say you got things going right

[34:02]you're on this airplane you're a pilot you got a great co-pilot

[34:08]throughout life you still have to decide whether you're eight whether you're

[34:14]18 whether you're 28 whether you're 58 people are going to come

[34:19]in and out of our lives we still have to decide how

[34:25]do we keep that balance a lot of that has to do

[34:27]with who you let on the plane i want you to think

[34:36]about a passport you know passports have lots of pages i love

[34:39]passports i don't know what my fascination has been with passports but

[34:42]i've always loved passports i love looking at the stamps and the

[34:46]places that people go and all of that you're going to hear

[34:49]a little bit of ringing i'm sorry that's my phone i'm ringing

[34:52]away so if a person's passport is a passport that's been issued

[34:59]by god in its stamped with all the right visas they pray

[35:04]they fast they pay their zakat they've gone to hajj or want

[35:07]to go to hajj good good people they may have made mistakes

[35:12]they may struggle but there's still a person who knows god loves

[35:17]god even in all of their imperfections that's fine let them on

[35:22]your plane but if it's a person who has a lot of

[35:26]pages and none of them are stamped it's not going to help

[35:33]you balance your life don't let them on your plate this is

[35:37]how we have to think we have to think about our priorities

[35:41]now stephen covey teaches us if you can master the first three

[35:47]habits to be proactive to begin with the end in mind and

[35:52]to put first things first then you have mastered or you are

[35:56]mastering you can't actually fully master but every single day you're building

[36:04]the discipline of self-control of self-resilience of self-empowerment when you're able to

[36:13]do that you are creating what he calls a private victory means

[36:19]you're at peace with yourself you cannot have public victories they will

[36:27]not last if you can't conquer the private victories which is in

[36:32]every single day exercise this is why i always say god family

[36:41]and then everything else god family and then everything else and i

[36:47]say this to myself so many times a day because there's a

[36:52]lot of demands on our time but those demands on our time

[36:58]if they take us in the wrong direction if that means oh

[37:01]i'm not going to pray i'll pray later then that's wrong it's

[37:08]thrown my balance off so inshallah you have long long long lives

[37:14]to live and productive lives to live inshallah you will always be

[37:18]making the best decision but remember that life is a teeter-totter it

[37:23]is that airplane with two wings it's about equilibrium it's about being

[37:30]able to you know arrive at your destination and to create for

[37:36]yourself a heaven now that heaven can also exist on earth it's

[37:43]called the tranquility of your heart and when you can accomplish when

[37:48]we can accomplish that tranquility in our heart we can handle just

[37:54]about anything that'll come our way it's not easy i'm not saying

[38:03]it is but if we're willing to think through our decisions and

[38:07]if we are willing to have true true true to welcome true

[38:12]dependence upon our creator who put everything in a perfect format in

[38:20]order for us to succeed then you should trust that with all

[38:27]of the challenges in life that will happen from illness to a

[38:32]million other things you'll make it you just have to always remember

[38:37]what is your end in mind for anything and for everything okay

[38:46]so shenan and what time is it 8 48 let's go ahead

[38:52]and open up for questions so if any of you guys have

[38:56]questions go ahead and message the chat publicly or privately i will

[39:00]be um taking your your questions as they come so whoever has

[39:06]a dying question let's go and by the way that was a

[39:10]very very beautiful lecture hija thank you so much thank you in

[39:13]my mind with all the analogies i i think i'm more of

[39:17]a an allergy type person i kind of understand life through analogies

[39:20]so it's very um i think it's very creative to think of

[39:27]life in a way in that way remember last week i talked

[39:29]to you guys about my kitchen sink yeah so i had a

[39:36]stressful one day last week where i was really like oh you

[39:38]know i'm like ja go to the kitchen sink just go you

[39:42]know how to do this you can do this so i went

[39:46]to the kitchen sink emptied all those dishes rinsed them all off

[39:48]stacked them on the other side started washing them rinsing them put

[39:53]them to the other side i swear to god i got clarity

[39:55]i really did like sometimes you do have to find you know

[40:01]methodologies that work for you whatever your methodology is that works for

[40:08]you use it so there is a question um saddam what are

[40:14]some practical ways to approach trials and tribulations with tobacco and prac

[40:19]and patients how do you approach trials with peace you know knowing

[40:25]that um thank you for your question just knowing that life is

[40:30]full of trials and tribulations right and the quran speaks to us

[40:34]about that god says this to us directly this is going to

[40:38]be a life of trial and tribulations this isn't this isn't heaven

[40:43]the earth is not our heaven heaven is our eternal place to

[40:47]be but we can establish that sense of tranquility in our heart

[40:50]i think like for me and you know maybe different for everybody

[40:54]else you know and i think it depends on what stage of

[40:56]life you are so you know at my stage in life it's

[41:00]definitely head down on the ground 100 i mean i'm like sujood

[41:07]got a problem sajud go to sajude because what happens when you're

[41:12]in sujud is the blood flows to your brain right your body

[41:17]posture in and of itself because it's actually like a yoga position

[41:20]your body posture lowers your blood pressure you have the ability to

[41:27]think right here in your frontal lobe your frontal lobe is connecting

[41:31]to the ground that decentralizes electrical activity you can actually think when

[41:37]your head is on the ground that way and have a discussion

[41:43]with god the other thing why i love talking to god so

[41:47]much who i encourage people to do it he doesn't answer back

[41:49]right away like you it's not like you're having a conversation with

[41:53]somebody it's internal you know what i mean like i could be

[41:55]talking with eugene right now and we're having this conversation you're going

[41:58]to have you're going to give me a response right but with

[42:02]god the response comes like you feel it in your heart you

[42:07]feel it in your emotions and and you know it's and by

[42:10]the way another thing that i love to do and i know

[42:13]a lot of people do this go pick up the quran don't

[42:17]feel guilty about it just pick it up there's somehow it is

[42:22]really a living book i mean it really does speak to us

[42:27]so sometimes when i'm really really distraught i do that i'll just

[42:31]go pick up the book and it just oh please guide me

[42:34]let me read something help me out let me understand you know

[42:38]but i think everybody has their own way of coping with those

[42:42]trials and tribulations it's not easy it's not easy at all it's

[42:47]not i'm not saying it is but you have to find your

[42:54]way i also have to have a cup of coffee to think

[42:56]and sometimes i have to write sometimes if i write i will

[43:01]feel better another question here is uh salaam it's so nice seeing

[43:09]you my question is my sister always asks me how to keep

[43:13]people out of your life when you've known them for a long

[43:15]for such a long time they might be bewitching family they might

[43:19]even be family thank you so much can you read it again

[43:26]yes so her question is that her sister always asks her how

[43:29]do you keep people out of your life when you when you've

[43:32]known them for a really long time and these people could actually

[43:38]be harming or hurting your family or they could be your family

[43:42]so that's a very very important question it's nice to see you

[43:46]too whoever you are um even though i can't see you but

[43:49]thank you for saying that so there's something that's called the toxic

[43:53]family member or toxic family members and they're really hard to get

[43:58]rid of them because they're your family so all you can do

[44:04]is to try to protect yourself or your family members from those

[44:12]toxic other family members now many ways to do that if you

[44:16]can't distance yourself physically from them you can distance yourself emotionally from

[44:22]them if they say hurtful things you can repel the hurt by

[44:26]not allowing yourself to hear it because their intention is to hurt

[44:33]you so they might be on the teeter-totter okay but don't allow

[44:38]them to take you low you try to balance it out as

[44:43]best you can but toxic family members are very difficult and it's

[44:49]very painful because these are the people who are supposed to love

[44:54]you and your family but you have to emotionally disconnect if you

[44:59]can't physically disconnect now if it's harmful let's say it's physically harmful

[45:05]of course you have to find distance you have to be safe

[45:08]but it depends on what the situation is and it depends on

[45:14]the family dynamic you know there's so many dynamics to this question

[45:17]right is it a sibling is it an uncle is it an

[45:21]aunt is it an in-law is it a mother-in-law is it a

[45:22]father-in-law is it your parents it's just it just depends on the

[45:29]relationship but i believe that relationships and family units they can like

[45:33]a rubber band you can go like this with them and they

[45:39]can stretch but sometimes they break another thing is as you move

[45:42]on in your life i don't know of course how old this

[45:45]person is asking the question anything like that but you can put

[45:52]respect in one hand in distance and another hand and try to

[45:57]accomplish that balance you see them hello how are you salaam but

[46:01]you don't have to engage them in your daily life so sometimes

[46:06]it's an issue of just moving on in your own personal life

[46:14]that allows you to disengage emotionally another question here is um what

[46:19]are some tips you would recommend to implement in your daily life

[46:25]to have to be god-centered start with god every morning every morning

[46:31]number one because that's when you wake up right okay so if

[46:36]you're asking me these are the things i've learned but i wish

[46:40]i would have known them when i was 18 19 20 21

[46:45]25 30.

[46:44]i actually didn't learn them until i was 36 when i went

[46:48]to my first hajj and if you can ever go to hajj

[46:51]and you're younger go go as early as you possibly can so

[46:54]this is what i personally do at fajr prayer i love fashion

[46:59]prayer a lot of people sleep through it in my early years

[47:03]i used to sleep through it too because i didn't know that

[47:08]you weren't allowed to miss a prayer when they say you can

[47:13]pray kala you know late i thought that was okay that's never

[47:16]okay by the way i just learned from saying muhammad last week

[47:19]there is no such concept in islam as missing a prayer and

[47:26]praying it late in fact we were talking about a surgeon um

[47:29]it's possible the surgeon could be listening i'm sorry well we'll just

[47:34]say someone who works in the operating room not a surgeon and

[47:37]um that person starts at 4 00 am so the person starts

[47:42]before fajr and he was saying which is really interesting even if

[47:45]you can't stop to pray you just have your walu just close

[47:49]your eyes and open them like as though it was yours so

[47:52]you never miss a prayer which i had no idea because in

[47:57]the lebanese community you know when we were learning our islam so

[48:01]many people were praying a lot or late or they were making

[48:05]up their prayers which is different right but just know at frazier

[48:12]time if you wake up you know when i teach islam to

[48:16]non-muslims i use this example budget prayer is like the night before

[48:21]christmas now i know many people freak out about even my saying

[48:24]that because we're like oh she said the word christmas high vibe

[48:27]shame shame shame well they're actually not on my teeter totter so

[48:31]twas the night before christmas for those of you who know the

[48:36]story and all through the house not a creature was stirring not

[48:38]even a mouse when i'm teaching the salah de leil or fajr

[48:42]prayer to non-muslims that's the story that i use and i tell

[48:46]them it's the most peaceful prayer of the five prayers because the

[48:52]house is quiet so start with pheasant prayer give yourself extra time

[48:57]because there's two decades right so you get those two has done

[48:59]use the same amount of time to talk with god center yourself

[49:03]i said last week in the last lecture ask god to make

[49:09]you what he wants you to be this day not what you

[49:15]think you ought to be remove yourself from the equation in terms

[49:18]of your arrogance that's the one time where like you really aren't

[49:22]self-directing you are self-directing you're having a conversation with god but ask

[49:26]god to make you what he wants you to be in this

[49:32]day he will because he's going to respond to you and then

[49:36]allow yourself to carry on with your day another thing stay in

[49:45]wadu i stay in with as best i can now obviously you're

[49:48]not and will do it when you're sleeping because the sleep will

[49:51]break your walloo but stay in with the you go to the

[49:53]bathroom just roll up your sleeves forget about your makeup girls and

[49:59]do your wudu just do it because the state of wubu does

[50:04]something to us spiritually not just physically but it keeps us in

[50:09]a certain state of mind and it creates god consciousness in us

[50:12]so stay in wulu as best you can and the other thing

[50:18]is try to really really pray earlier to the event if not

[50:25]then shortly after that get yourself in that self habit do something

[50:28]good for somebody else every single day and it doesn't matter who

[50:33]you're doing it for you could do it for your mother you

[50:35]could do it for your father you could do it for your

[50:37]siblings you could do it for a friend you could do it

[50:40]for a stranger who you do not know but make an intention

[50:43]that god will give you something good to do today ask god

[50:49]for his note ask him for it ask him to give you

[50:54]his light ask him to put that like this i'm not telling

[50:58]you this i learned this from the hearts that we have ask

[51:04]allah to give you nude in front of you and note behind

[51:07]you and knows to the right of you and nur to the

[51:10]left of you ask god to take the shaytanic things that are

[51:14]in our heads and to push them away from us ask god

[51:19]to elevate you in your good deeds and to lower you in

[51:25]your nests as for these things that are aligning that are purposeful

[51:31]and just as we start to ask little by little these things

[51:36]just start to happen why because we're actually speaking them into the

[51:42]universe the universe has an energy we're speaking these things to god

[51:47]he hears us your angels are recording what you're saying so god

[51:53]is definitely listening so i think those are the ways that we

[51:57]create god consciousness and to never ever ever lose hope never lose

[52:06]hope never because if you can't figure something out if you just

[52:14]hold still a little bit as we said last week if the

[52:18]door's not opening for you it's not ripe and you have some

[52:23]patience with it and eventually you will see if something you were

[52:27]hoping for didn't happen it will happen in a better way if

[52:35]if your mind was having dependency and to walk on on god

[52:40]to guide it so it's that keeping god in your daily conversation

[52:44]inside of your heart the other thing i do and i would

[52:48]encourage you to do and again i learned this on hajj is

[52:51]when you go to sleep see i do end of life work

[52:56]so don't forget that okay so as a nurse i i've done

[53:00]a lot of end-of-life work i've i've been taking care of the

[53:03]dead since i was 15.

[53:03]my grandmother taught me you're safer with the dead than you are

[53:07]with the living because the dead can't hurt you and the living

[53:09]can hurt you i'll never forget that only at home when she

[53:12]taught me that but i'm very aware that you know god is

[53:19]in control of my breath i'm not in control of my breath

[53:21]you're not in control of your breath you can't control your heartbeat

[53:25]i can't control my heartbeat so there's a there's a creator the

[53:29]mechanism is in place one day i'm gonna stop that breath so

[53:33]when i go to sleep every single night i i do the

[53:38]shahada every single night and it just takes like what 30 seconds

[53:41]is just talking to god allah and just go through it you

[53:47]know allah you are my lord say it in english if you

[53:50]can't say it and be allah you are my lord that islam

[53:54]you are my dean that quran you are my book that the

[53:58]kaaba you are my direction of prayer you are my qibla that

[54:02]muhammad you are my beloved prophet and i love you my imams

[54:07]you are my imams and you are my leaders go to sleep

[54:12]it's like it's like a a spiritual potion and it keeps us

[54:23]safe and it gives us confidence i think that whatever happens in

[54:26]the night happens because remember we're not meant to stay here we

[54:32]are built to leave we're not built to stay okay next question

[54:39]thank you so much the next question is as simple as it

[54:43]may sound i find it hard to talk to god i go

[54:48]i go mute when i try but i crave the feeling to

[54:51]go to him how can i learn to do that somebody said

[54:55]that at the retreat one year i'll never forget that um they

[54:59]said this was about 10 years ago you said to talk to

[55:05]god well isn't it isn't it wrong to talk to god i

[55:10]said what do you mean they said it feels wrong like it's

[55:14]a hype that you would just go talk to god god is

[55:16]god so you can't just go talk with him that was a

[55:22]very strange concept to me and it was strange for her to

[55:25]hear me say just go talk with god so there is a

[55:29]formal way we talk with god that formal way is in our

[55:36]salah that is a dictated way that god prescribed how he wants

[55:40]to be addressed and he wants us to speak with him now

[55:42]he did that because those are reminders for us because he doesn't

[55:47]need those reminders for him so those words that we speak when

[55:50]we pray they're intent they're intended for us but that doesn't mean

[55:58]that after you're done with your formal prayer you can't put your

[56:01]head on the ground and start really speaking to god but call

[56:04]him by the names that will open the door so i just

[56:11]don't out of respect for god i just don't go say hey

[56:14]allah what's up listen we need to talk it's not like that

[56:16]it's more like when your head is down oh allah you know

[56:22]habibi all of these beautiful words of god all of these names

[56:30]just learn a few names of the 99 games of god and

[56:34]start calling by those names now what might be stopping you is

[56:38]the sense of feeling unworthy to speak to god and if that's

[56:44]what's going on then you need to know that god loves you

[56:48]you need to know that god created you and that you are

[56:52]worthy don't don't be afraid to open your heart to the one

[56:58]who made your heart he created your heartbeat he created you so

[57:03]he's waiting for you and he's giving you the faculty and the

[57:09]ability to speak so use it and if you can't speak then

[57:15]do it silently to yourself head on the ground and silently if

[57:21]that doesn't work for you write got a letter and people have

[57:25]done that because they feel that they can write better than they

[57:28]can speak so write got a letter and you would say what

[57:32]do i do with that letter tuck it away sleep with it

[57:35]under your pillow but just get the communication out you have to

[57:41]just inch toward it for some people it's more natural than for

[57:44]others make sure it's not a point of self-worth because you are

[57:50]worth it to god um next the next question is uh what

[58:00]does your hajja's typical day look like how do you balance the

[58:06]man family house chores and so on oh my god you should

[58:09]have seen me at 20 to 8.

[58:11]i was making two different dinners i'm like i really should eat

[58:17]before i speak rushing cleaned up the dishes so my day starts

[58:19]with salah of course um and um i need a cup of

[58:24]coffee in the morning sometimes two i try to take that morning

[58:30]time few minutes for myself to listen to quran i love listening

[58:33]to surah rahman i love to listen to it so either i

[58:37]listen to surat yasin or i listen to surah rahman or duha

[58:40]or something like that just to ground myself and remind myself that

[58:44]i'm not a big shot that you know i'm i'm here by

[58:48]the grace of god and only by the grace of god and

[58:53]and then i think about what i have to do right so

[58:56]god then my family so i'm thinking about what am i making

[59:01]for lunch what am i making for breakfast what am i making

[59:03]for lunch what am i making for dinner how am i going

[59:05]to get those things done do i have everything i need in

[59:07]the house to get that done do i need to go to

[59:09]the grocery store i have to really strategize think about all of

[59:12]that make sure that i have everything and i'm kind of old

[59:16]school um and if you know me really well if you've been

[59:20]in my house like i'm one of those kind of old-school girls

[59:23]so i still like fake cake and like i still do my

[59:28]own meat and grind it and i i love to cook so

[59:31]like i don't take shortcuts and i like a clean house i

[59:36]like for the house to be beautiful it doesn't matter what the

[59:40]size of the house is but i love for my house to

[59:44]feel like when somebody walks in it they never want to leave

[59:46]it i love that feeling of the kids feeling like you know

[59:52]they can come to the house and just chill one time a

[59:57]scholar came over and he said gave me the greatest compliment he

[60:01]said your house it's like a retreat center i'm like oh good

[60:06]perfect yay that's exactly what i want um so it's busy i'm

[60:11]on the phone with zaman i could be babysitting my grandchildren um

[60:16]i'm like that like almost like a machine boom boom boom boom

[60:22]but i i was raised in the kitchen and i know how

[60:25]to do that i know how to balance that and take my

[60:27]mom to her doctor's appointment so it just depends what's happening during

[60:31]the day but what keeps me from stressing out or how i

[60:36]pivot is the formula because sometimes there's a conflict between my family

[60:41]and everything else was a man is my like god conscious work

[60:47]right so you might say well the man has to be before

[60:53]my family no it can't be that way why because when i

[60:59]go to my judgment day my family is my responsibility god is

[61:03]going to judge me on the kind of mother i am the

[61:05]kind of wife the kind of daughter the kind those are responsibilities

[61:09]right so i have to take care of those responsibilities first so

[61:15]people who do like work in the same like non-profit work or

[61:20]poverty or whatever their work may be and they forget their home

[61:26]life that's not balance that's actually a recipe for disaster and then

[61:31]i have a lot of help not in my house because i

[61:36]still do all that myself but as a man i've been blessed

[61:39]with incredible team of people who work with me and we're on

[61:44]the phone all day long and my son just said to me

[61:47]mom how do you do this how do you work as a

[61:50]man and your cooking it's my iphone it's whatsapp whatsapp has been

[61:55]one of the greatest gifts of my life you know how many

[61:57]chats i have with how many groups have the nyc group right

[62:01]janine you guys see me on the nyc group i have the

[62:03]iia group i have you know the health committee groups i have

[62:08]i don't know maybe 10 friso man so that's just how i

[62:14]do it family chats all kinds of chats that's helped the next

[62:19]question is how do you strike a balance between hope and fear

[62:24]oh i think that we're always between hope and fear always between

[62:29]hope and fear always you know the analogy i use for that

[62:35]one well i strike the balance because always more hopeful than fear

[62:38]but we're always we live our lives but actually that is a

[62:44]sign of true deep faith is that you always have hope but

[62:48]there is this kind of edgy little fear you know but you

[62:54]bank on hope right so you know the story of hadjit going

[62:58]back and forth back and forth um with nabi ibrahim's son she's

[63:04]going back and forth at zamzam she's running back and forth between

[63:08]the two mountains she's actually running from hope to despair from hope

[63:13]to despair from hope to despair and when she's absolutely at despair

[63:19]the baby she finds the baby sitting in this little bit of

[63:25]water and then the water you know with food and it starts

[63:30]to grow into this well of zamzam that fortifies the entire area

[63:34]so whenever i'm between fear and hope i i i'm hopeful always

[63:38]i mean the man is hope for humanity so my i lead

[63:43]with hope but i remember her going back and forth back and

[63:48]forth but after in the end the fetish or the solution that

[63:53]it will come will come with god and so whatever the outcome

[63:58]is it doesn't have to be the best outcome that the outcome

[64:03]is pinned to hope beautiful um the next question is thank for

[64:14]this amazing discussion how do we deal with um the mentality that

[64:19]living a balanced life means zero problems or issues in your life

[64:24]oh that's completely not true living a balanced life means that you

[64:30]are proactive about all of the issues in your life that's the

[64:36]only thing that can give you balance to think that so that

[64:40]would be like the bystander example that i used earlier like the

[64:43]person who just sits there and like that that doesn't do anything

[64:48]you can't accomplish balance without being active balance is you know what

[64:53]a balancing act is that is what balance is right you're like

[64:59]this it's hard to be so we're human and in our humanness

[65:04]the nature of our humanness is that balancing act so but we

[65:13]come we become more confident when we're addressing the issues and we're

[65:17]strategic about the issues and thinking about them but in the end

[65:21]we have to ground ourselves in god you know what would happen

[65:26]if you plugged into something that wasn't grounded you'd get an electric

[65:29]shock it's the same way if we ground ourselves with god it

[65:34]lessens the shock which allows for the balance so that was the

[65:45]last question in the chat i'm not sure if anyone else wants

[65:47]to kind of getting their last questions i personally did have a

[65:54]question uh this question rose uh during your analogy of the airplane

[65:59]um i just wanted to like is it is it completely 100

[66:05]necessary that we need a person in our life to balance our

[66:12]life or do we can that be done by our like through

[66:14]ourselves i'm not not not saying that we can't bounce ourselves without

[66:19]god because god we need god to balance ourselves but i'm just

[66:23]talking about like other people in our lives um i think you

[66:28]answered it so for sure the pilot is always god we're the

[66:34]co-pilots of our lives okay right so that's a for sure but

[66:40]i was just talking in terms of you know the partnerships that

[66:42]eventually will happen so remember i'm trying to talk to the 18

[66:45]to like 30 year old group right and so when we're talking

[66:51]about marriage and partners i just think that that's a maybe that

[66:54]can be a whole nother discussion and i know that we talk

[66:59]about it we've had speakers about it but that right or as

[67:05]right because there isn't a perfect person none of us are perfect

[67:10]it's important to have the way our futures are shaped you know

[67:12]so do you have to have someone as let's just say god

[67:17]is the pilot you're the co-pilot a soccer co-pilot do you have

[67:20]to have that no i don't think you have to have that

[67:22]but is it nice to have that yes if it comes along

[67:27]and if it doesn't come along i would rather see someone without

[67:35]than with someone that takes them away from god or wreaks havoc

[67:39]on their lives or harms or injures or hurts them because that's

[67:43]that's not what god intended either you know there's a lot of

[67:48]people in humanity sometimes it doesn't happen though for whatever reason sometimes

[67:53]it doesn't happen i want to tell you a quick story janet

[67:55]there was a woman who's now probably close to 70 years old

[67:58]i think she's about 68.

[68:01]she looks like she's about 45.

[68:02]she never married and this woman was very beautiful very smart very

[68:10]you know with it you know just very cool she was born

[68:14]and raised here in america a beautiful family grew up with great

[68:19]parents all of that she did all the right things but she

[68:21]just never found a life partner one time her father was ill

[68:30]and she came to me and so she's older than me and

[68:34]she said to me you know now i understand finally why i

[68:40]never got married and i said why she's like because i was

[68:45]meant to take care of my father who was dying from alzheimer's

[68:49]and then her mother got very sick with cancer and that's what

[68:54]she did she took care of her parents but for her she

[68:59]found a sense of purpose she found an answer to at least

[69:03]for her as to why it never worked out for her so

[69:08]these are difficult challenges because they don't go the way we want

[69:11]it's like people who want children and don't get them or people

[69:12]who really want to be married and don't find the right partner

[69:15]or people who get married and then their spouse dies young or

[69:20]suddenly or children who become orphaned like there's all these crises of

[69:26]life all of these tragedies actually and you know we have to

[69:31]work our way through them but i still believe that there's wisdom

[69:36]in all of it we just don't know what the wisdom is

[69:39]but we come to learn it with time so we do have

[69:46]to trust in god right there is that well thank you everyone

[69:51]i it's been a pleasure and honor everyone is thanking you in

[69:55]the chat for the beautiful discussion and they're looking thank you to

[69:59]having you join us in further discussions in the future well i

[70:03]will say the reason why i have not been able to be

[70:06]with you guys is because of the priority of my family on

[70:08]friday nights it was just too hard i finally managed to get

[70:11]a couple of friday nights thank kovet for that um and uh

[70:16]you know but friday nights is family night and so um it's

[70:20]important that i i take care of that as well thank you

[70:23]everybody inshaallah i'll see you all soon stay safe wash your hands

[70:27]wear your masks the numbers in dearborn are climbing it's ridiculous completely

[70:32]ridiculous try to take care of your families as best that you

[70:35]can and be safe okay [Music] everyone [Music] you

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