10 Great Tips to Help with Marriage Conflicts/Arguments

2 Views· 20/12/23

Noor Islamic Education
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In Lectures

It is something that many marriages have: arguments and disagreements. How do we deal with them? Sheikh Mohammed Al-Hilli presents 10 tips.

Transcript

[0:00]how do we solve these conflicts then let's say there is a

[0:04]marital fight or there is a disagreement what are the tips that

[0:08]today we can learn take home in order to somehow bring the

[0:13]marital couple together and resolve bring management of these particular challenges number

[0:20]one we have to understand the roots and the pattern of why

[0:26]certain conflicts and disagreements happen why for example if there is a

[0:30]fight always because for example the children are being taken late to

[0:36]school or a certain act that one of them is expecting from

[0:38]the other is not happening and it's continuously reoccurring we have to

[0:45]identify the trigger factor for the fight why is this happening yes

[0:49]this is of the utmost importance number two please understand this point

[0:53]very critical number two you have to say what you mean but

[0:59]don't say it mean the way we communicate when there is a

[1:05]conflict is key there is what is known as the i and

[1:09]the u methodology what does this mean sometimes when there is a

[1:19]disagreement we look at the other and say you have never bought

[1:24]me anything you disappoint me you anger me yes usually in conflict

[1:30]management these are recipes for disaster because what the other person then

[1:39]does becomes defensive responds in a way to try and protect themselves

[1:43]we are encouraged to use the i but in a respectful manner

[1:50]i i am disappointed i would like to understand you better for

[1:54]example so instead of you saying you don't love me in an

[1:59]argument you could say i don't feel loved look at the difference

[2:04]instead of saying you're not listening to me you could say i

[2:10]don't feel listened to look at the difference because when it comes

[2:14]to these conflicts we are told shaytan is the third waiting is

[2:19]smiling there is a narration that says shaytan celebrates and is joyful

[2:23]when a couple fight because shaytan doesn't want happy successful marital relationships

[2:28]wants them fully what in fire raging breaking down god forbid resulting

[2:34]in divorces and sadly we see rising cases sometimes in certain communities

[2:40]yes if we learn to express through the eye in a respectful

[2:44]manner this may be also helpful number three the tip the third

[2:47]when it comes to dealing with conflicts and it's something perhaps we

[2:51]don't do enough and that is to listen and listen and listen

[2:54]what do we mean sometimes when there are some fights going on

[2:59]or disagreements we don't listen to understand we listen to reply imagine

[3:05]in a scenario in a particular yes disagreement or conflict that is

[3:09]happening when the wife for example is saying that today you said

[3:14]something that upset me you are not thinking maybe she's right you're

[3:20]thinking how can i reply back because it's a match scoring i

[3:24]want to come out as the one who success the winner in

[3:28]this battle we see it as a battle isn't it yes the

[3:34]idea that emerges is what is that we need to use this

[3:38]model of listening what is known as listening time please understand this

[3:42]tool you allow the other to speak for three minutes without interruption

[3:46]try it hold yourself back you have this great temptation to answer

[3:53]back don't say a word but also try to be empathetic and

[3:55]understand where they've come from listen to appreciate and understand rather than

[4:03]listen to reply let me explain to you a scenario please understand

[4:08]this scenario so that it becomes practical yes imagine imagine that the

[4:12]husband is watching a football game masha'allah for example watching the greatest

[4:19]the best football team in the world liverpool with his players sadio

[4:24]mane and mausa playing yes muslim players he watches them all of

[4:28]a sudden the wife enters and says look at the mess you

[4:32]have created with the food and everything on the table yes here

[4:37]there are three ways to deal with this two are wrong one

[4:41]is right one way is called turning against turning against means the

[4:47]husband looks at the wife and says why do you always peek

[4:48]at me when i'm watching football you should not disturb me this

[4:53]is turning against meaning taking this conflict and returning it back against

[4:58]the person then there is one that is called turning away i

[5:02]will do it later don't worry that's turning away from the problem

[5:06]then there is the third one which in marriage is called collaboration

[5:10]win-win it is turning towards when you appreciate that the wife is

[5:18]what is concerned you say i am sorry or i understand i

[5:23]will make sure that it is done at the earliest opportunity for

[5:28]example half time yes this is turning towards it is one way

[5:35]of practicing listening to understand no doubt yes number four when we

[5:39]are in a conflict let's not forget we are not we believe

[5:44]in allah allah is watching us let's do what is necessary to

[5:50]please allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and let's speak to him also meaning

[5:57]what meaning crush the ego don't think it's a winning game because

[5:59]ultimately you want allah to be pleased with you we're not like

[6:04]others who don't believe in allah and want to make sure that

[6:07]we come out on top what is important is the pleasure of

[6:09]allah number five islamic teachings tell us in conflicts cool down meaning

[6:17]perform recite quran think that you are in a beautiful place like

[6:21]karbala or najaf if you're standing sit down if you're sitting down

[6:27]stand up number six write down good things about the other try

[6:31]it it's very hard when you're angry with each other just step

[6:35]aside and have some protocols by the way that you will not

[6:40]name called each other you will not step outside the boundaries you

[6:42]will not interrupt each other one exercise is to move away and

[6:47]start to think of good things the other person has you will

[6:50]find no doubt you start good things that will enable you to

[6:54]cool down and to see the good side as well sometimes in

[6:57]the rage sometimes in anger we all want to bring the other

[7:02]person down all of a sudden they are not our husband and

[7:04]wife they are our enemy so this is a good practice number

[7:10]seven very important to apologize there are also ways to do this

[7:15]because in traditions islamic teachings we are told that apology is empowerment

[7:22]apology is not weakness apology is when you recognize your own shortcomings

[7:28]when you do it for the sake of allah trust that this

[7:32]will make you a better human being but there are different ways

[7:37]to apologize please understand there are five ways to apologize i understand

[7:42]maybe this is a lot of information but hopefully you can take

[7:45]from it that which is beneficial for you how do we apologize

[7:49]to each other in a marital relationship and can be used outside

[7:52]marriage as well number one is to express regret i'm sorry clearly

[7:59]sometimes this i'm sorry is very hard especially for some of our

[8:05]brothers yes they don't want to say i am sorry i don't

[8:07]know why they feel it's above them to express regret for what

[8:12]has happened incidentally what we described earlier about communication and what this

[8:16]book entailed is not in any shape or form condoning behavior such

[8:20]as what violence or abuse or when people are drunked god forbid

[8:25]or anything like that yes when it came to mail and communication

[8:29]the first way is to express regret number one number two is

[8:37]to take responsibility for muhammad says in a narration take responsibility because

[8:49]if you don't no one will take responsibility for your actions by

[8:54]taking responsibility what do you say you say i am wrong number

[8:59]three is to promise to make amends how can i make this

[9:06]up for you number four is to ask for forgiveness will you

[9:11]forgive me and number five is to assure that this will not

[9:16]happen again that this will not be repeated can you see there

[9:19]are five different ways to express sometimes you need a mixture of

[9:21]them sometimes it's a combination of them yes but it is of

[9:26]the utmost importance that this actually what takes place when we come

[9:31]to other ways to deal with this we have to have husnovan

[9:35]we have to think good of the other not to think bad

[9:40]of the other why because many times we don't give each other

[9:45]an opportunity we don't give each other a chance to what to

[9:49]explain themselves and all of a sudden we've become judgmental in the

[9:54]way that people deal with each other that is why unlike a

[10:01]key prerequisite for a successful dealing with conflict management his word is

[10:07]for the husband and wife to be looking at great examples to

[10:13]be understanding that it is a norm in marital relationship but when

[10:18]we look at individuals in history who are successful successful in dealing

[10:24]with hardship and challenges and to believe and to be positive and

[10:29]not to walk away at the first instance where there are what

[10:34]where there are challenges where there are unfortunately breakdowns in communication but

[10:46][Music]

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