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Resolving Family Conflict Through Islam - Sayed Saleh Qazwini
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24/11/23
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[0:28]e e [Music] f [Music] [Music] allahar [Music] alhamdulillah ald muham k
[4:00]one of the defining features and characteristics and qualities of a human
[4:08]being is to have differences in opinion you don't find people that
[4:16]are all unanimous on one opinion and this is something that is
[4:21]very natural and this is something that is very okay just as
[4:28]we are different in features in the way that we look in
[4:34]our tongues in our languages in the way that we look Allah
[4:37]subhana wa tala did not create us all the same similarly our
[4:43]thinking and our our ideology could be different at times and differences
[4:50]are not a bad thing Allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala says in the Quran
[4:58]if your lord wanted he would have created everyone on one view
[5:04]on One Vision on One mission on one religion however Allah subhana
[5:09]gave us the intellect and gave us the ability to make decisions
[5:13]to reach conclusions in life and this is one of the signs
[5:19]of God's greatness and the creation of Allah Allah says and from
[5:33]amongst the signs of God is that he created the heavens and
[5:35]the earth and the differences in your color and the differences in
[5:45]your language this is one of the signs of God this is
[5:47]something beautiful that Allah subhana wa tala didn't just it's not a
[5:53]factory that just pushes out one one one vehicle one type of
[5:56]no Allah subhana wa tala created every single person unique every p
[5:59]single person in their own way and every single person has their
[6:06]own ideology their ideas their beliefs and sometimes differences in beliefs are
[6:10]not a bad thing in fact it's a better thing for the
[6:13]growth of a community sometimes differences in opinion differences in ideology could
[6:19]become problematic sometimes it could lead to conflict sometimes it could lead
[6:24]to Wars sometimes it could lead to Bloodshed as we are seeing
[6:30]right now there are two two Wars that are going on one
[6:32]of them is a genocide where a group of people are just
[6:36]being bombed it's unequal not balanced they're being bombed they're being killed
[6:41]it's as a result of differences in opinion and here you see
[6:48]that sometimes it could become dangerous if it's not dealt with correctly
[6:52]but if you learn if we teach ourselves that it's okay for
[6:56]people to have differences in opinion different thought process then it wouldn't
[7:01]be a problem now when is conflict very problematic perhaps more dangerous
[7:12]than Wars is when you have conflict within a family conflict within
[7:17]one family between a husband and wife between a son and a
[7:21]father between siblings between relatives that's when it becomes very problematic because
[7:27]if a family is is not held well together it's not strong
[7:33]it does not know how to resolve the differences in ideas differences
[7:38]and wants and desires then you will find that the family will
[7:42]collapse and if a family collapses then society's collapse then individuals will
[7:47]collapse so this is why it's very important for us to learn
[7:54]how to resolve our differences especially when the differences are in within
[8:00]the family we need to learn how to deal with conflict a
[8:03]lot of people don't know how to deal with conflict and one
[8:09]very important point is that we need to resort to Islam as
[8:12]a religion in resolving our conflicts and resorting our diff uh disputes
[8:18]sometimes you might see someone as a very religious person always at
[8:24]the Masjid always praying fasting going to Hajj giving zakat doing all
[8:28]that they're they're supposed to do but when it comes to conflict
[8:31]when it comes to I had a difference in opinion with my
[8:35]between a husband and wife or Between Brothers or even outside of
[8:39]the family who do they resort to to solve their dispute they
[8:43]resort to the court they resort to a non-muslim to come and
[8:52]try to try to um settle the dispute and sometimes there's nothing
[8:56]wrong with that but many times you find that the judgment and
[8:59]the verdict that is given is it goes directly against Islam and
[9:04]the beliefs of a Muslim so here am I supposed to go
[9:09]to a non-muslim to judge between me or am I supposed to
[9:14]go to a Muslim or am I you am I supposed to
[9:17]use the laws of Islam in settling my disputes even outside of
[9:21]the family sometimes you find two brothers or two community members that
[9:25]got in a business dispute who do I go to to resolve
[9:30]my issues we look when we look at the religion of Islam
[9:33]we see that Islam is not just um simplified to just oh
[9:39]the rules of fasting and prayer and Hajj no Islam gets involved
[9:41]in our lives Islam gets involved in our relationships Islam gets involved
[9:45]in our B business disputes how to deal with matters and this
[9:52]is why we need to learn to resort to Islam and see
[9:55]what Solutions Islam as a religion has to settle our disputes and
[10:00]if we don't do that then we have not reached the level
[10:03]of Iman I mentioned last night a story between two companions of
[10:08]one was Zu the companion the cousin of the prophet and another
[10:14]was one of the ANS they came and they they had a
[10:16]dispute they came to the prophet and once the prophet he gave
[10:23]the verdict one of the one of the parties the other one
[10:25]uh the Ansari he did not like the Judgment of s Al
[10:30]so what did he tell the prophet he tells him you ruled
[10:35]in zub's favor because Zu is your cousin told him you ruled
[10:37]in him because he's your cousin and the prophet became angry and
[10:41]this verse came down they will not reach the level of IM
[10:51]until you you judge between their disputes and after you judge what
[11:01]are they going to do and they will not find any they
[11:12]will not find any I'm not comfortable with the ruling of God
[11:14]and the ruling of the prophets and the ruling of the Quran
[11:18]and the ruling of the IM and they will fully submit to
[11:24]the religion of God and the Order of Allah subhana wa tala
[11:27]here we have to ask ourselves this question have we reached that
[11:31]level of Iman or sometimes some people they come to me when
[11:35]there's a marriage dispute and I come and I say for example
[11:37]Islam rules in her favor Islam rules in the man's favor and
[11:42]what did they come and they tell me they tell me you
[11:43]know what I'm going to go to the court and I'm going
[11:45]to get what I want through the court meaning I don't care
[11:50]about what Islam says I don't care about what God says I
[11:53]don't care about the Rel the the laws of religion I'm going
[11:57]to go and get whatever I want however I want on it
[12:03]but that is not Hal and Allah says in the Quran those
[12:07]who do not judge by what God has ruled the rules of
[12:11]God for example the rules of inheritance the rules of inheritance are
[12:14]very clear in Islam I don't need to go and find another
[12:19]law to set up to settle my inheritance disputes when the rules
[12:22]in the Quran are very clear and very precise or Rules of
[12:28]Marriage disputes and and all of that you see that Islam has
[12:31]given us so you see that Islam offers Solutions and whenever there's
[12:41]a conflict especially within the family especially within the family you have
[12:50]to reach a level of resolving that conflict I know some marriages
[12:54]probably 10 20 30 years they're always fighting with one another and
[12:57]they've never figured out what the problem what the of the problem
[13:00]where is this coming from where is this coming from and they
[13:04]just keep living their life miserably both of them the husband and
[13:06]the wife and the children living their lives miserably because they don't
[13:10]they refuse to come and find out what is the source of
[13:15]the problem where is this coming from sometimes resolving our problems maybe
[13:19]between two brothers maybe between two friends maybe between community members between
[13:23]husband and wife sometimes we have to sit and pause for a
[13:27]second and figure out where's this problem coming from what's the source
[13:31]of this problem maybe it's a minor dispute maybe it's something very
[13:34]small that I make a change in my life and it's going
[13:39]to cause all the problems to remove in the end people learn
[13:42]how to deal with their differences was very successful in that this
[13:47]is why Believers that fought him in the Battle of and the
[13:53]Battle of and the Battle of they waged Wars against him then
[13:56]a few years later they come and they pray behind him and
[14:01]everything was settled why because was a people person because knew how
[14:06]to come and address the problems head on and see what is
[14:11]the issue let us try to address the problem find out the
[14:13]root of the problem the root of the pain and we will
[14:18]deal with it so when we address the roots of the problem
[14:20]sometimes we see that the sources of the problem are very small
[14:24]small change I make in my life and this is something very
[14:28]beneficial for us not only with family but it comes with your
[14:31]work it comes with business it comes with anyone that you interact
[14:38]with one of the first reasons for most problems and most disputes
[14:41]whe whether they are within the family or outside the family have
[14:45]to do with miscommunication not knowing how to communicate one another sometimes
[14:53]you find yourself you're speaking to someone at this level they're speaking
[14:56]to you at this level everyone is really trying really hard to
[15:00]say what they want and express themselves but they're unable to I'm
[15:04]saying something is just passing that person and the other person is
[15:09]not being able to reach me in what they're saying and this
[15:12]is why we have to make an effort to communicate with people
[15:20]better and this is a it's an art it's a skill a
[15:21]life skill of being able to communicate with people some people they
[15:27]might be very religious might be very generous be a very good
[15:30]people but they don't know how to communicate between a husband and
[15:32]wife for example and you find there is always going to be
[15:37]dispute as a result of lack of communication and not knowing how
[15:41]to communicate properly this is why when Allah subhana wa tala sends
[15:45]prophets which language did the prophets speak to the people they speak
[15:50]to them in their own languages each Prophet spoke to their people
[15:55]in the language of their Community if a prophet is going to
[16:00]speak Arabic to a non-arabic speaking Community are is that Community going
[16:06]to understand no so this is something very important the art of
[16:11]communication and he says in a not just the language sometimes you
[16:19]see you see an example that the prophet would give it would
[16:24]apply to that Community it would apply to the people that are
[16:27]living at that time why because because this is their this is
[16:31]what they understand this is what they comprehend so this is how
[16:35]would speak to people and when we speak about communication I see
[16:42]this happening all the time when a in a marriage dispute or
[16:44]whenever there's a problem they come and they say no no no
[16:48]I do a very good job talking in fact I'm a public
[16:52]speaker I know how to talk I tell them listen communication is
[16:55]not just talking communication 90% of communication is listening are you willing
[17:00]to listen listen are you willing to listen to what issues what
[17:02]problems are in the minds of the other person some of us
[17:06]we just want to talk but we're not willing to listen and
[17:08]then we say why are we not communicating properly this happens a
[17:12]lot with between husband and wife and it happens between parents and
[17:18]their children parents they come and they say I communicate very well
[17:22]with my children why every time I sit I tell them do
[17:26]this go do that do this do that I communicate very well
[17:27]with them give me the salt pass this and but do I
[17:31]ever sit and listen to them do I ever see what's on
[17:35]their mind what are they going through how was your day today
[17:38]what are you experiencing today often times we find parents we find
[17:43]ourselves struggling listening to the par listening to the kids as soon
[17:49]as they're talking the phone comes out and we're start we start
[17:52]our minds go somewhere else and this is problematic this is a
[17:57]uh not proper communication so this is one one source of problems
[18:02]and we will explain how Islam teaches us how to communicate properly
[18:06]second reason for many disputes within the family or outside of the
[18:10]family has to do with the ego and pride you find some
[18:17]people that's it they have that sense of ego and pride where
[18:20]they are not willing to accept the fact that they were wrong
[18:25]they are not willing to accept the fact that sometimes opinions need
[18:29]to to be changed and this is very dangerous especially when you
[18:33]are within the family now say I have pride in my nationality
[18:39]against another country or against a group of people Outsiders you say
[18:43]so what but if it has to do with your family and
[18:49]every time as a father or as a husband every time in
[18:51]every dispute I have to make sure that I win the battle
[18:55]every dispute I have to make sure that I get get it
[18:56]the way I want okay say you got it the way you
[19:00]want one year passes two years 3 years four years pass and
[19:04]then what you're going to be living with your family forcing them
[19:08]every every decision to make the way that you want what kind
[19:11]of a family is that this is their comfort place this is
[19:16]their home if they cannot express themselves if they cannot get if
[19:19]they cannot win or if they cannot get what they want at
[19:23]least some of the time or at least 50% of the time
[19:26]then what kind of an environment are you creating for them where
[19:29]every time you have to get it the way that you want
[19:32]and this is something that becomes very dangerous where people they feel
[19:37]that their own home is not a safe zone for them anymore
[19:39]and this is really dangerous then who if my kids or if
[19:44]a wife or a husband or a family member feel like within
[19:46]their own home they're not comfortable anymore where are they going to
[19:49]go then they're going to go outside this is why sometimes it's
[19:56]not all about always about winning the argument it's not always about
[20:00]getting whatever I want especially when it comes to your family this
[20:03]is why we have to compromise this is why we have to
[20:08]sometimes let other people get what they want one day I get
[20:09]what I want one day you get what you want and it
[20:13]can't be the way where some people they want to control everything
[20:17]in a family a lady came to me and she said say
[20:21]my husband chooses where we go on vacation my husband chooses how
[20:28]we decorate our home my husband chooses what we eat my husband
[20:31]chooses everything the clothes that are everything he chooses he makes the
[20:34]decision he says you have to do this and you have to
[20:37]do that and she says I feel like I'm a prisoner in
[20:41]my own home I can't I can't express myself and this reminded
[20:45]me of a Hadith he says the M eats what their family
[21:01]family is craving and thef forces the family to eat what he
[21:05]is craving so this is something very important sometimes it's a small
[21:11]change a small shift in in thinking and removing that ego and
[21:15]it's not always about getting what we want especially within the family
[21:19]especially within the relationship then you will find that the family and
[21:22]the relationship will be a much happier and more prosperous place and
[21:26]a third reason for many conflicts and disputes we said the first
[21:33]was miscommunication the second is about the ego some people they never
[21:36]want to say we lost never always want what they want and
[21:39]third reason is external factors sometimes you might have a health scare
[21:45]sometimes you might have um Financial issues sometimes you might have other
[21:51]family members intervening in your relationship other people coming and saying oh
[21:56]you should do this and you should do that and this caus
[22:01]problem within the family and this is also a very serious issue
[22:05]and as within our families we have to learn how to sometimes
[22:10]silence all other and ignore all other opinions that are coming especially
[22:15]if they're having a negative impact on our family especially if they
[22:19]are ruining the relationship that we have and sometimes we have to
[22:25]take advice from other people as well so it's uh you have
[22:26]to see what is the best decision to make inallah in the
[22:31]next sermon we will talk about some Islamic tips on dealing with
[22:56]conflict alhamdulillah muham Muhammad muh muham muhammedi Muhammad Ali when we look
[24:36]at the rules of Islam we see that a huge portion of
[24:43]Islamic law has to do with it has to do with dealing
[24:45]with people dealing with disputes dealing with your neighbors dealing with your
[24:50]family between a husband and wife so much focus on relationship building
[24:56]and when we look at the prophets of God we see that
[25:01]they were excellent communicators you see that they were excellent in dealing
[25:05]with people dealing with the disputes and problems that people have and
[25:11]this is what defines whether I'm successful or not today you want
[25:15]to look at a successful person see how well this person is
[25:19]able to communicate with other people and someone who is not successful
[25:24]they do not know how to communicate with people and Allah subhana
[25:29]waa when he created the insan Allah taught you how to communicate
[25:36]with people this is one of the gifts from Allah subhana wa
[25:41]ta'ala so if you want to be successful in your life you
[25:43]want to be successful in your work you want to be successful
[25:47]in your family you want to be successful in your religion you
[25:49]have to learn how to communicate properly with people and here we
[25:54]look at the rules of Islam that teach us how to communicate
[25:59]how to deal with conflict as we mentioned having differences in belief
[26:04]different ideologies is not a bad thing in fact this is what
[26:07]makes humans stand out that this person has one belief this person
[26:09]has one idea this person has one idea different ideas are not
[26:13]a bad thing you should not expect everyone to have the same
[26:16]idea as you otherwise where's the diversity where's the where's the the
[26:21]the basically Allah subhana wa ta'ala created us all differently and this
[26:28]is how we complete one another so in dealing with conflict in
[26:31]dealing with differences in opinion whether it's at work whether it's in
[26:35]politics and within your family there are certain specific things that the
[26:39]religion of Islam has told us to do very important I'll mention
[26:42]a few of them one of them is that we have to
[26:48]always consult with one another you should not you should never make
[26:52]a decision on your own especially if it's a consequential decision especially
[26:57]if it's with with your family we're going for example we're living
[27:03]in a place we're buying a house we're doing something do not
[27:05]make the decision on your own because at the end of the
[27:08]day you have your family with you at the end of even
[27:10]if you might be an expert even if you might be the
[27:15]smart one but you have to consult with others in making decisions
[27:18]especially if they are consequential decisions especially if they are decisions that
[27:23]are going to impact the children they're going to impact the spouse
[27:26]they're going to impact other people and Allah subh wants us to
[27:30]consult with one another to the extent that Allah told to consult
[27:33]with the Muslims even though he is the most intelle he is
[27:42]the highest being in terms of intellect in terms of knowledge in
[27:46]terms of why should the Prophet come and consult with other people
[27:50]but Allah tells the prophet consult them now of course this m
[27:54]that has to do does not have to do with religion it's
[27:59]it's not like oh today should we make Salah four four or
[28:01]three no it's not that matters of religion are from God matters
[28:09]of are from God but matters of going out to war and
[28:11]this verse was revealed when before the Battle of tells the Muslims
[28:17]do you want to go outside and fight them in the open
[28:22]field or do you want us to be in our homes and
[28:22]and they come to us his his opinion was let's stay insulate
[28:28]ated and they come to us we will be better able to
[28:31]protect ourselves some of the Muslims they say no we're going to
[28:34]go out and we're going to fight them out in the desert
[28:37]and they went out and many of them were killed as a
[28:39]result of that but regardless Allah tells the prophet listen to them
[28:45]and matter because this has to do with them they're putting their
[28:48]lives on the line so here this is very important in another
[28:53]verse Allah says their matters are a matter of he says the
[29:06]one who is determined on their own view this person will eventually
[29:10]lose even if you might be the smartest person but if you
[29:14]always say no we're getting it the way I want one day
[29:18]your decision is going to be wrong but if you consult with
[29:20]others then that means you're bringing more Minds more brains to come
[29:25]and figure out a better solution and this is something very important
[29:28]that we have to apply in our lives and we have to
[29:35]apply within our families second is that we must avoid impulsive decisions
[29:42]sometimes you find some people they make a decision very quickly in
[29:47]their life especially if it has to do with their family it
[29:52]becomes very dangerous because now you're forcing your family you're forcing others
[29:57]in a decision that was not what well thought thought out you
[30:00]didn't even take the time to think about it you didn't even
[30:02]take the time to weigh the pros and the benefits and the
[30:06]cons of it so we should not make decisions quickly and second
[30:12]we have to be willing to forgive sometimes when do we when
[30:19]do people make quick decisions when they're angry when they're angry they
[30:22]make quick decisions and then they end up regretting it in Islam
[30:26]we're not supposed to make quick decisions and second we have to
[30:29]control our temper we have to control our anger we have to
[30:33]be willing to forgive Allah says a one of the features that
[30:46]defines you as a mmin is whether you're able to suppress and
[30:50]control your anger and second be willing to forgive other people do
[30:56]not hold grudges when you hold a grudge you're going to hurt
[31:03]yourself you're going to give yourself the high blood pressure and the
[31:05]diabetes and all of the pain because you're holding that all in
[31:08]do not hold grudges be forgiving Allah subhah wa ta'ala is forgiving
[31:13]Allah says in the Quran they should forgive and they should be
[31:22]willing to let go don't you want God to forgive you if
[31:26]I want God to forgive me then why am I not forgiving
[31:28]other people I have to be willing to let things pass and
[31:33]forgive other people and the third point and we will conclude with
[31:37]this is that a mmin in dealing with conflict and dealing with
[31:44]differences in opinion especially within the family and everywhere with everyone we
[31:49]have to treat them fairly we have to treat them with Equity
[31:54]Allah commands an Allah commands you to deal with people with Justice
[32:02]and fairness I cannot say oh this is my people I have
[32:05]to give them better privilege or this person is from my religion
[32:10]or this person is from my Comm no and Justice doesn't is
[32:15]beyond religion I have to treat with every treat everyone with Justice
[32:20]and fairness and this is one of the most important teachings of
[32:26]Islam so this is how we resolve conflict and especially within the
[32:33]family there has to be Justice there has to Bean and these
[32:36]are some ways that the religion of Islam teaches us how to
[32:41]deal with conflict my dear brothers and sisters just two points um
[32:46]yesterday or the day before the IC the international criminal court issued
[32:52]an arrest warrant against the biggest criminal of our time one a
[32:57]person who is responsible for the murder of thousands of people for
[33:02]the genocide of thousands of people and that is Netanyahu and his
[33:08]previous Secretary of Defense um Galant and you see that even though
[33:13]it was late even though it is over a year late they
[33:21]finally issued this um this arrest warrant and this brings us a
[33:25]little bit closer to Justice it relieves our pain a little bit
[33:30]even though it's very late but despite all of that you see
[33:32]the double standards you see right away who was the quickest to
[33:35]come and condemn the ICC who was the quickest to come and
[33:40]suggest that we sanction the ICC America the president and members of
[33:45]Congress and this shows us very clear that this war and this
[33:48]genocide is not just netanyahu's war and genocide this war and genocide
[33:56]is being pushed by members of the American uh government and the
[34:01]president at the top and members of Congress and this shows you
[34:05]that there are some that they look at there's two types of
[34:10]justice for them when it came to Putin right away they came
[34:13]and they said yes good job for issuing an arrest warrant but
[34:17]now for Netanyahu they come and they say no no no no
[34:18]this is wrong and we have to sanction them where is justice
[34:21]do you treat people in two different lenses where is the equality
[34:26]where is the justice that that we are speaking about and the
[34:32]second point I wanted to bring to our attention is that there
[34:36]was a law that was passed in Congress in the House of
[34:41]Representatives HR 9495 this law it has not become law yet because
[34:46]the Senate needs to vote for it and they're saying that this
[34:54]law will allow the treasury secretary to see any organization any non
[34:58]Prophet any group that by their definition they see that this is
[35:04]supporting terrorism then right away they will remove the nonprofit status from
[35:09]this organization and this is very dangerous and this law is actually
[35:13]targeting the Muslims especially the Muslims that are raising money to help
[35:18]the innocent people in Gazza or help people in Lebanon they will
[35:21]use this law to take away the nonprofit status and it goes
[35:26]back to their own jurisdiction they they apply the law and then
[35:30]they'll come and they'll Define whatever they want to Define oh you
[35:33]are you are breaking you're supporting terrorists whatever that meaning is and
[35:37]today if you go with Israel's definition of terrorist anyone who criticizes
[35:43]Israel is anti-Semitic and organizations like the unua the one that was
[35:48]by led by the United Nations they come and they labeled them
[35:52]as a terrorist organization so what do you think they're going to
[35:56]say about Muslim organizations and Muslim nonprofits that are supporting this is
[36:01]a very dangerous law and this law will take away all freedom
[36:04]from Americans and look how far Congress and how far members of
[36:10]Congress and members of American government are willing to go where they
[36:14]are willing to take away the freedom of American people to protect
[36:18]genocides to protect Netanyahu and to protect Israel and this is something
[36:22]that is very dangerous and As Americans as patriotic Americans our duty
[36:27]is to speak out against us our duty is to call our
[36:31]representatives to call members of government and let them know that this
[36:35]is dangerous and this is undemocratic may Allah subhah wa ta'ala bless
[36:39]you all we pray that this genocide and the suffering of innocent
[36:45]people comes to an end quickly and we ask you all to
[36:49]recite for The Souls of all of the and all of those
[36:56]that have lost their lives and and are suffering as a result
[36:59]of this unjust war that has been going on for over a
[37:05]year now for
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