Marriage and the Lockdown

1 Views· 20/06/16

Noor Islamic Education
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In Lectures

An interactive webinar on challenges facing Marriage and ways forward. By Dr Sarfraz Jeraj and Sheikh Mohammed Al-Hilli

Transcript

[0:04]it's Villa Batman over him a lot of masala Muhammad Ali Mohammed

[0:09]my dear sisters and brothers Salaam alaikum o allah allah wa barakato

[0:12]thank you so much for those of you have joined us this

[0:19]evening on this wonderful kind of mild day mild / warmest day

[0:27]here in london i know there are people from different parts you

[0:31]know of the world tuning in so i hope you're all well

[0:34]thank you and once again for joining us now this is this

[0:40]first webinar and hamdulillah we organized from the noir islamic education not

[0:46]because we've just been formed we've been around for a few years

[0:49]but we are thankful to allah subhanaw taala for co vid i

[0:55]think because what it's done is kind of given us this opportunity

[0:58]to have more online interactions because normally our courses are kind of

[1:02]face to face when it comes to marriage and parenting but alhamdulillah

[1:06]this is our first that we do online and hope insha'Allah will

[1:13]be our last hope that we can do much more going forward

[1:17]and I'd like to warmly welcome my dear friend and colleague dr.

[1:24]saffron Suraj who is a clinical psychologist well known ex-president of Heydar

[1:30]Jemal mashallah very active in the community and somebody who I've worked

[1:34]with closely for many many years in our marriage courses here in

[1:42]London so Salaam aleikum doctor sufferance waalaikumsalam shet and thanks for just

[1:46]stealing my thunder you know I had my whole intro and you've

[1:50]just done it for me so nice one well there's a lot

[1:56]lot to say I'll hope not to see too much of it

[1:58]now be more hopeful just just play then and I guess you

[2:06]know what one thing we want to make sure is that you

[2:08]know in these difficult times stressful situations very serious topics doesn't mean

[2:13]that we should lose sight of humor and you know Hume is

[2:17]an incredibly important part of any relationship and if we can just

[2:23]take opportunities to engage in a bit of humor whenever possible you

[2:26]know this is another blessing from allah subhanaw taala oh absolutely absolutely

[2:31]I remember the beginning of this whole situation right they start the

[2:37]lockdown here in the UK I know in different countries have had

[2:41]different lockdown these but I made a small video about I called

[2:43]it the corona fighter and it was three minutes about smiling just

[2:49]the need for us to smile given the whole situation and everything

[2:52]I'll have the lot majority were okay but some like said okay

[2:54]you're taking a bit too much I mean this is not the

[2:58]time to smile this is the time to frown this is the

[3:02]time to panic and it's you know I agree with you but

[3:04]our kind of invitation for people to smile and and so on

[3:09]is more not to any and any circumstances underestimate the gravity of

[3:14]the situation there are people have lost loved ones there are those

[3:17]who are going through a financial hardship mental health challenges this is

[3:21]not to belittle the whole situation but more kind of collectively to

[3:26]try and kind of being a spirit of optimism and positivity perhaps

[3:29]a check can you just remind me and perhaps anyone who's viewing

[3:34]this well why we here again we're here just to catch up

[3:40]to be honest and see how everybody is and you know have

[3:43]a I call an email which is a meal online no not

[3:49]really like an IFR on EF that well I think we're here

[3:56]to have inshallah discussion on the whole wonderful subject of marriage and

[3:59]specifically the last three months what has happened to marriages are they

[4:07]still around are they extinct or are they going to evaporate or

[4:12]are they strengthened and the hope is inshallah we can have lively

[4:15]interactive discussion I really encourage all the sisters and brothers watching to

[4:20]join in send in your comments your observations your questions we will

[4:26]try our utmost to go through as much as we can we've

[4:31]already had a few questions in but we're super excited to talk

[4:34]about a survey that alhamdulillah only kind of myself myself and dr.

[4:40]Fry's designed a few days ago and thought well you know what

[4:45]we're gonna discuss this with people so let's kind of find out

[4:48]what they actually feel I mean I'm sure there are there's loads

[4:50]of people out there who may not be able to join us

[4:54]or the different circumstances but just to get a feel of has

[4:57]really locked down an isolation do took over 19 affected marital relationships

[5:01]and what are the kind of benefits what's because alhamdulillah with myself

[5:08]a happily married I don't suffer as happening married so we'll talk

[5:12]about our own personal experiences as well I guess you know it's

[5:15]always valuable to share how we have felt to the last three

[5:17]months as well I guess well just just before we get into

[5:24]the the survey and some of the themes that come out of

[5:29]that it's been a while since we've we've met you know the

[5:31]whole lockdown thing means that we haven't had the opportunity to link

[5:33]up so I mean how you been doing how many like you

[5:39]know I live every day with a lot of anticipation and hope

[5:46]I've already enjoyed the month of ramadhan I really loved it because

[5:50]for me personally traveling every year and leaving my family has been

[5:56]you know a real good opportunity to have you know how month

[6:00]with the family whereby we have a nice structure yes I've been

[6:06]in my office a lot filming and you know well doing our

[6:08]stuff in this holy month and the Blessed Mother from a barn

[6:12]but to have it if thought together to do so lot together

[6:14]door on a mall you know which is unprecedented you all our

[6:21]lives so personally I've thoroughly enjoyed the the actual experience of isolation

[6:26]and cold night but not to take away the challenges from it

[6:30]of course I miss meeting family meeting friends traveling different parts of

[6:36]the world you know missings yalla very likely to miss hatch and

[6:43]so on but at the same time trying to look at positives

[6:45]and alhamdulillah my own personal challenge during this whole thing is you

[6:52]know going through waves of kind of understanding a severity of this

[6:56]of this disease because I started off like many other people thinking

[7:02]this is not as much of a big deal and maybe it's

[7:05]been made out you know you've read all kinds of things and

[7:08]it depends who you speak to and what you listen to and

[7:10]then obviously as full-time and on and I saw the severity I've

[7:16]begun to think okay no no this is very very serious and

[7:19]it's not to be taken lightly my approach now is as well

[7:26]again I'm slightly you know I don't wanna make this a political

[7:29]issue but I'm not very comfortable with what the government has done

[7:32]I'm a bit unhappy actually and I'm not sure whether we can

[7:36]trust them or not but that's something else oh about yourself what

[7:46]about yourself tell me about how yeah I mean I think like

[7:49]like you you know there have been some blessings but like I've

[7:55]been I've been pretty stressed perhaps a little bit less in the

[7:59]last week but like before that I was it's been it's been

[8:02]pretty tough because working full-time from home is you know you might

[8:07]think hey nice thing but you know it's made me realize how

[8:10]much I miss my commute because that gives me my me time

[8:12]and you know as wonderful as it can be to have lots

[8:17]more time with my kids my wife actually too much time I've

[8:21]realized it doesn't doesn't always work and you know when when I've

[8:26]got a home full of three kids but all three kids were

[8:28]at home and I'm trying to see my patients online and I'm

[8:34]trying to teach my students know that that was really difficult and

[8:37]that was pretty stressful so I think that challenges of trying to

[8:45]home-school and you know do work from home as well we're a

[8:48]little bit overwhelming so you know we work through a day at

[8:52]time things a little bit of a little bit easier with some

[8:54]of the kids going back to school but yet the challenges certainly

[9:00]remain yeah absolutely I think the school element is a big challenge

[9:06]no doubt because I have I have a lot of respect for

[9:08]teachers and how much effort they put in may Allah you know

[9:13]bless our wives and wonderful mothers for doing a lot of the

[9:18]hard work to do with the teaching of our children when we

[9:21]appeal now you realize yeah yeah yeah absolutely and and you know

[9:26]I tried it a few times you know I had to kind

[9:30]of my wife you know has to be on work or she's

[9:31]got commitments I'm kind of looking after my youngest and she's only

[9:34]five and sometimes it's so hard do you think wow yeah I'm

[9:40]much more comfortable teaching adults than it's a different skill set I

[9:45]just wanted to use the opportunity to recognize you know this is

[9:49]a kind of online program on marriage and locked out and here

[9:55]we are two guys talking about marriage so we're we're really missing

[9:59]a female perspective on this and that's not to say that we

[10:05]you know it's intentional you know we did we did make some

[10:07]endeavor to also get some female representation on the show but it

[10:11]wasn't to be this time what that means for you as viewers

[10:15]story inshaallah is that we really want you to use the platform

[10:17]we really want you to use the comment section on on youtube

[10:22]to get your voice code and you know we've got some we've

[10:25]got a wrestler in the background who's helping to kind of collect

[10:29]that information and inshallah we'll feed it through so we can try

[10:36]and get as many perspectives as possible one other thing I think

[10:39]that we you know just wanted to point out is that just

[10:41]before we get into the survey that we I'm not sure if

[10:46]we got a breakdown of the gender contribution to the survey did

[10:50]we gather no no because we didn't have a specific question right

[10:57]in the gym that they'll be interesting to see if this is

[11:00]really representative of both genders or not but what we did want

[11:05]to recognize is that you know there's two styles two sides to

[11:07]every story you know there's a male perspective there's a female perspective

[11:11]the the one thing that we we can't deny is culturally there

[11:16]can be challenges that are disproportionately experienced by women in our communities

[11:23]not everywhere not in every situation but generally we know that this

[11:28]is an issue yeah so what we would like to do is

[11:33]to try and create space for that issue to be expressed but

[11:35]that we we don't take side in trying to no privilege one

[11:41]or the other that we take the the perspective from our faith

[11:44]which is one of balance yeah and internally in in that spirit

[11:51]we try it we try to move forward and share some of

[11:54]these issues and potential solutions that might come out of it so

[11:58]basically a not sure what you're saying is we're friends of everyone

[12:01]we're not gonna take any one side and we want everyone to

[12:06]you know show as love as we will show you all of

[12:08]that and I guess the the subtle point of acknowledging male privilege

[12:12]yes I I get that we did we did actually try to

[12:16]get one of the sisters to be a part but unfortunately years

[12:21]she was busy but certainly we do acknowledge the need to have

[12:25]you know our sisters be present in these discussions absolutely and that

[12:30]trust will be future opportunity - yes yes so maybe we should

[12:34]crack on then and and and maybe start by looking at some

[12:40]of the results of Leaney of the actual survey how many people

[12:46]responded to the survey so we had a hundred and eighty one

[12:55]here we are this is this is the kind of so we

[13:03]hear here we can see 181 people answered and the first question

[13:07]was do people feel that their relationship is now better about the

[13:13]same and worse so you can see here that alhamdulillah I don't

[13:17]know what you think surprise but for me that's a really positive

[13:23]start by you know a good 40 percent saying that the relationship

[13:27]is better and they're 45 saying it's about the same and to

[13:33]me that's that's quite good yeah yeah I guess there's this certainly

[13:36]would to be optimistic there but I guess it does reflect that

[13:40]you know that there isn't one one size one response all of

[13:46]this and I guess you know that where there's opportunity for things

[13:49]to be better the vast majority of people is the same and

[13:52]actually for a significant proportion of people you know almost what like

[13:58]15 percent is actually worse problem fourteen fourteen percent so that that's

[14:01]an area that hopefully we can we can give a bit more

[14:05]attention to I guess this is quite an open question to start

[14:07]with I think we to break it down by saying well what

[14:11]constitutes our relationship being better worse or the same and I think

[14:15]the next question will will shed a bit of light on that

[14:19]that's right yes so the next question to start off this kind

[14:22]of specific elements is regarding you know the physical intimate relationship and

[14:25]I guess one of the reasons why we kind of thought about

[14:29]this is because people being together at home especially with children sometimes

[14:35]can you know be a limiting factor where they're not able to

[14:43]spend that quality time you know in through intimate relationship but again

[14:48]I mean I'm surprised although obviously their response now the fact the

[14:54]better one is is much less than the previous question but I

[14:58]think expect that 22 percent would say it's better but subhanAllah that's

[15:02]the that's the amazing ability of human beings to be flexible given

[15:07]the hutt the time or difficulties but mind you the factor may

[15:09]be that we should have asked here is whether they have children

[15:14]or not as well yeah sure I are we passed the walk

[15:16]watershed well I guess we can discuss because this can still be

[15:24]watched later so we but we still discuss these issues as we

[15:31]always do in a respectful manner but we needs to be discussed

[15:34]we can't basically just yeah absolutely and I mean I think a

[15:37]topic that we might kind of come back to a little bit

[15:42]later is about understanding each other's needs and how you know just

[15:45]because I have one set of needs it doesn't mean my partner's

[15:49]gonna have exactly the same set of needs way to understand each

[15:52]other's needs and it's often by meeting each other's needs can we

[15:55]both be mutually satisfied and I guess this this is part of

[16:02]our fourth Reyes it's a you know poorer human need to have

[16:04]intimate time and I guess being able to create space for that

[16:09]it is gonna be often challenging in lockdown when you've got children

[16:13]you know without the same sort of routine when you might have

[16:16]issues with kind of in-laws so it will be useful for us

[16:23]to kind of get more more contributions from folks online about how

[16:27]we can overcome these but I guess just for a starting point

[16:30]I think there's salt definitely something about family communication where we can

[16:34]protect time for ourselves in each other that certainly will help yeah

[16:37]and exactly and that's the third question and once again I think

[16:41]communication as you know as we say it's a very broad area

[16:48]involves you know things like for example listening involves you know anger

[16:57]perhaps management so it seems that at the same time though a

[17:01]good significant number of people feel that their communication has improved with

[17:05]each other as a married couple since the lock down that's nearly

[17:08]40% and again about 45% say it's been fairly the same with

[17:19]about 50% saying it's become worse I guess another point just to

[17:23]kind of bring our this is you know if you're if you've

[17:27]improved does that make you good does that make you better then

[17:30]someone who's for whom it's worse and I guess a point I

[17:34]just want to acknowledge that there's certainly things that we can do

[17:36]to try and cope more effectively and less effectively and hopefully there

[17:39]will be some learning that comes out of our discussion today but

[17:45]ultimately that know when things feel worse primarily this is a natural

[17:50]consequence of the stress that we're under and one chooses for things

[17:55]to be worse however in understanding why things might be worse rather

[18:01]than blaming ourselves if we acknowledge that first of all it's a

[18:04]tough situation so that we don't have to pathologize and beat ourselves

[18:07]up for things being worse let's stop by saying you know it's

[18:10]understandable in these circumstance this is the most stressed we are the

[18:14]harder things are gonna be now we've recognized that what steps can

[18:18]we take that might improve this situation yeah yeah absolutely since the

[18:25]lockdown has there be more fighting or less so we're talking about

[18:30]conflict here so it's again you know more of a specific area

[18:38]you know related to communication this is a little bit more balanced

[18:43]isn't it between more and less and not affected it kind of

[18:51]in the sense that it's it seems that obviously because of the

[18:55]maybe one element is distress one element maybe as we will discuss

[18:59]later financial hardship and difficulty which gives rise to potential areas of

[19:06]conflict and it seems that although if we go back to the

[19:13]first question it says that their relationship is better forty percent said

[19:17]it's better at the same time quite a significant number have said

[19:23]that there's more conflict during lock time knock down then then before

[19:30]that contradictory well maybe there be they've had more conflict but they've

[19:36]been able to deal with it yeah yeah absolutely yeah it's it's

[19:43]it's one of those one of those interesting areas perhaps maybe or

[19:49]maybe people are being optimistic and positive by saying things are better

[19:53]but then this question hit them until God yes I've had a

[19:56]lot of issues together there's been there's been quite a few and

[20:00]and we'll go through some of the kind of responses individual responses

[20:04]in the sense that you know comments and we'll find out the

[20:11]trends with regards to conflicts as well so what about you know

[20:15]this is a question particularly I think you really wanted to find

[20:21]out and that is you know learning and you know acts of

[20:23]worship praying and so on together and it's wonderful to see that

[20:27]you know I'm quite considerably you know people are using the opportunity

[20:35]to come together and to do the whatever is getting him maybe

[20:39]closer together in the eyes of God at least you know education

[20:42]learning and performing salah and arribada and bois and quran perhaps together

[20:49]quite a few only six percent of said nest and lockdown I

[20:57]guess one apart this is this is related to also Shahada Lama

[21:04]Vaughn isn't it Kurama bond has made that opportunity as presented us

[21:09]with a wonderful opportunity now I don't know there's a few questions

[21:13]did we want to go through them surprised what should we kind

[21:15]of because I can't see the screen yeah I mean I definitely

[21:23]work questions related to this I'm wondering if we just cover the

[21:28]lost philosophy questions than we contend things yeah okay so it says

[21:32]if you have children has your relationship together since the lockdown improved

[21:37]stayed the same has become for us and obviously not applicable is

[21:42]for those who don't have children I wonder yeah yeah what's your

[21:51]take on this one yeah I mean I think similarly to you

[21:55]know the earlier point where there's fights well if you're together more

[22:01]you might have more opportunities to do you know to build your

[22:04]bonds but you've also got more opportunities to fall out so I

[22:07]guess that that's a good way of explaining how you might have

[22:13]both without it being a contradiction and actually I think competitor to

[22:17]my experience is it's great that and that there is a lot

[22:20]of people having improve relationships I I would certainly concur with that

[22:23]from my experience where although it has been more stressful at times

[22:26]it's also been better so you know I've been maybe shouting more

[22:32]but we've also had more quality conversations together so I think it

[22:35]can be a bit of both and I guess it's becoming more

[22:38]aware of that then allows us to be a bit more intentional

[22:42]a bit more strategic with you know what what how is it

[22:46]I'm communicating with my children how is I'm communicating with my spouse

[22:50]yeah okay question 7 is have you experienced any form of domestic

[22:58]abuse and alhamdulillah the vast majority have said no but some have

[23:03]of course the 6.6 3% I mean but that's still far too

[23:10]many significant yes more than one in 20 and I'm wondering you

[23:14]know for our viewers if you if you think about 20 couples

[23:20]that you know you know would would one of those couples experiencing

[23:24]domestic violence be one couple too many absolutely and I think here

[23:29]we can see people can see maybe on the screen some of

[23:32]the some of those who have gone through you know domestic abuse

[23:39]what they have commented it's a you know some upset is verbal

[23:44]some I've actually said it's physical you know may be related to

[23:48]anxiety you have also cues asians brainwashing kids you know and a

[24:04]number of challenging issues here and I think it's worth acknowledging that

[24:08]you know while for many you know lockdown may have been stressful

[24:13]I think when we get into the realm of domestic abuse this

[24:19]is definitely the much more severe end of the spectrum we are

[24:22]then guess what we want to point our first and foremost at

[24:24]safety safety or of an individual safety of their children is paramount

[24:33]and you know we are here talking from you know a pragmatic

[24:37]holistic including a spiritual perspective and you know our right or our

[24:44]duty to safety is paramount beyond you know any other factor safety

[24:52]is paramount now what can we do now there's not necessarily any

[24:55]any quick frigates officers and that isn't the main the main topic

[24:58]here but I think we wanted to kind of address this early

[25:02]from the point of view that we we are blessed with abilities

[25:07]with understandings with choices but all of our blessings aren't always located

[25:14]within us sometimes our blessings are located around us and if it

[25:18]comes to certainly a point of your safety then you need to

[25:24]think about who you can reach out to confidentiality is of course

[25:28]very important but sometimes protecting confidentiality at the expense of someone's safety

[25:35]may not be the wise decision so at the end of the

[25:39]session we're going to be sharing some links through some some work

[25:45]we've been doing on the Co edge website you're on a link

[25:48]tree which has gives you access to a number of resources so

[25:54]domestic abuse is one of the areas that we've got a number

[25:56]of resources that you can access to get some more information to

[26:00]understand how you might go to protect your safety just like to

[26:05]acknowledge again you know that is the more severe end of the

[26:07]spectrum and you know this question that we've asked carries about domestic

[26:12]abuse not necessarily restricted to domestic violence we have to also I

[26:20]mean remind everybody about the fact that in no shape or form

[26:27]as the religion of Islam condone any form of abuse towards the

[26:31]wife or the husband in any way whatsoever whether being emotional verbal

[26:38]or physical it is unacceptable you know one cannot resort to the

[26:45]kind of things and we definitely must ensure that you know these

[26:51]these issues are yes we have to seek help we have we

[26:54]mustn't suffer in silence as well we have to be able to

[26:58]kind of seek assistance and this is not only in the Muslim

[26:59]community but it seems to be reflective in the wider community I've

[27:03]seen surveys where you know rates of domestic abuse have gone up

[27:09]in different communities here in the United Kingdom at least since the

[27:13]lockdown and and I think it shouldn't be just tolerated for the

[27:17]fact for them because be tolerated yeah I think I think what

[27:23]one link we can make just as we go along is that

[27:24]reaching out for support is essential but it's not the only tool

[27:29]and one of the things were also want to recognize is that

[27:32]it can be very easy to just say you know something is

[27:37]wrong and we're gonna blame one individual and just before we you

[27:41]know conclude that this must make sure we've done everything within our

[27:45]power to try and ameliorate that and perhaps you know communication is

[27:50]one aspect that might assist with that yeah absolutely so this is

[27:56]the next question is do we know anyone who has experienced the

[28:00]domestic abuse since the lockdown and again you know people have responded

[28:06]that majority dome that there are some who have you know it's

[28:14]exactly the same figure as the previous question which suggests that maybe

[28:18]you know you know they it's happening if it's happening to you

[28:22]but maybe you don't know if it's happening to anyone else and

[28:24]perhaps kind of reflecting how you know there's so much stigma associated

[28:29]with it and certainly within our communities it's really really hard to

[28:33]talk to anyone else about it and I think you know there

[28:39]may be good reasons to not talk about it but but I

[28:41]don't think there's ever a good reason to not talk about it

[28:46]at all and finding the right person the right confidential person may

[28:50]be a professional to talk about it with can be helpful yeah

[28:56]absolutely absolutely so we then ask people to kind of give us

[29:05]an idea of some of the benefits and some of the kind

[29:08]of challenges that they themselves faced in this particular period of time

[29:13]and I think you'll be interesting maybe so for us to go

[29:15]through some of them yeah yeah and I think I mean I

[29:21]was just glad to hear that there's some benefits because you know

[29:24]sometimes I'm just feeling really negative and I'm thinking man shorty there's

[29:28]no benefits to log down I just want to be out there

[29:33]I just want things to be maximal but I guess that may

[29:35]reflect just you know an individual experience also and maybe a more

[29:40]negative kind of approach or negative view on things and we acknowledge

[29:47]this there's always more than one side so so hopefully this this

[29:50]discussion allows us to to benefit from those an understanding of or

[29:56]both sites that the challenges and the the benefits share you mentioned

[30:02]one of the key benefits that you notice in Ramadan yeah that

[30:06]seems to have been one of the themes that that really has

[30:11]come through in this survey which is related to being able to

[30:14]do more things together as a family yeah I don't know if

[30:21]you can see this screen that I'm sharing now so this is

[30:25]this is some of the benefits that we are having here is

[30:32]it too small maybe I'm you know this I think this this

[30:40]seems okay for us for now yeah so yes you're right is

[30:42]that is the ability to maybe spend more time together it says

[30:47]here help communication understand each other learn about you know being able

[30:53]to forgive each other easily it's interesting I mean just just in

[30:58]the run-up to two brexit yeah you had a major challenge on

[31:02]transportation of goods and you know customs borders and you know how

[31:07]we live in a society that's just in time you know everything

[31:09]is there when you need it and it happens just in time

[31:13]and any and the interruption today is somehow unacceptable and I guess

[31:18]maybe this kind of lockdown experience kind of teaches us that we

[31:22]can't have everything you know exactly when we want it and and

[31:25]maybe that's a good thing in terms of the patients that we

[31:29]might develop so yeah I think I I can certainly reflect on

[31:32]that for my own benefit a bit more yeah yeah I think

[31:36]some of the may be sisters and brothers watching and others maybe

[31:39]later are able to relate to this certainly we all had that

[31:44]opportunity time to laugh together improve relationship this is a good point

[31:50]about seeing what the other does at home and appreciating this about

[31:54]them and the effort they put into the work or kids or

[31:56]home making because you know sometimes obviously back before lockdown the kind

[32:01]of couple is one at work one staying at home and obviously

[32:06]they together some in the weekends and whatever but now they can

[32:09]virtually see the kind of what needs to happen especially when it

[32:16]comes to kind of household chores and everything else that goes on

[32:20]in the house perhaps it doesn't just happen by itself well it

[32:22]doesn't always it doesn't that's enabled people to actually realize this so

[32:30]does it you know it I think of it what's done is

[32:32]that boot is back down to earth again you know the kind

[32:36]of humility aspect especially with the environment especially with appreciating our mosques

[32:40]and centers appreciating you know the freedoms that we had in the

[32:46]past and sometimes we need that wake-up call I think because we're

[32:50]too busy in our day-to-day lives and fixated into the routine and

[32:55]so Allah and Allah then stops everything and you know it's a

[32:59]reset and this has given us an opportunity to appreciate and be

[33:05]thankful a display gratitude perhaps no it's interesting this point here about

[33:11]dad child relationships well why we're not talking about mom child relationships

[33:15]maybe thus because the the canoe or the role that the father

[33:24]might normally take you know it inhibits the the development of that

[33:26]relationship with each other I don't know has you being at home

[33:31]more affected your relationship with your children chef it has made it

[33:40]positive in many ways in in the sense that you know because

[33:43]we have more time there's less time traveling going coming back etc

[33:50]it has made it positive but at the same time what it

[33:53]has done is it Anna need for discipline because the children not

[33:57]being you know like before having to kind of stick to a

[34:04]regimen a regime of sleeping a certain time and so on because

[34:07]there's no school maybe within the mindset of a child that they

[34:12]take it a bit more likely so as parents we had to

[34:14]kind of say okay you know what I understand you don't have

[34:18]school but there's still things that we have to adhere to you

[34:22]know so sometimes when it comes to communicating this to the child

[34:26]who thinks okay everybody's sleeping late everybody's waking up late you know

[34:31]why can't we have a snack every you know hours and stuff

[34:35]like that and you have to kind of think okay things are

[34:39]not hot like how they were before there's a good side of

[34:41]it which is you know is spending more time but there is

[34:44]the other side of it which is to make sure that discipline

[34:46]is adhered to yeah yeah and and I guess know the routine

[34:52]that can come from from discipline can have you know benefits across

[34:55]the board I know certainly you know in trying to get my

[35:01]son to bed sooner now have to read him a bit more

[35:03]of Roald Dahl books but that you know reading The BFG together

[35:10]has actually created a strong bond between us you know and even

[35:13]times when it's not necessarily in routine you know I found that

[35:16]though my son is trying to play Mario you know he needs

[35:21]two players to be Bowser and I'm working and you know if

[35:23]I just take ten minutes out spend that time with him we

[35:28]do Bowser together we've bonded we've achieved something together and actually that

[35:32]you know that that attain haunts is our relationship so sometimes it

[35:36]can come in a structured way sometimes it can come in a

[35:38]structured way but I guess there is something about capitalizing on those

[35:42]opportunities what is that Bowser he's the boss at the end of

[35:49]Mario Brothers oh I see okay sorry excuse me but being a

[35:54]bit not with the times with yet you need to yo man

[35:56]internet there's the ps4 but not in - it's my kids who

[36:03]are into it so that's that's another discussion but quality time and

[36:09]teamwork are being highlighted to be also positives here seems to be

[36:14]cooking yeah I mean cooking has been a very positive thing for

[36:20]me personally because I've had you know an opportunity to develop any

[36:24]kind of baking skills that did not exist before and somehow I

[36:27]started to exist actually might encourage my children to pick up habits

[36:32]sorry like a trends and skillsets related to cooking and and preparing

[36:38]meals and because I passionately believe that if the children are given

[36:43]responsibilities that that gives them a great deal of self esteem you

[36:49]know I often tell people you know if you want your children

[36:51]to pray if you want them to love Salah one of the

[36:56]tips I say to people is look give them the responsibility of

[37:00]arranging everything the pray amounts doing the evaluate they feel especially depending

[37:05]on their age of course not necessarily the teenagers but you know

[37:09]the kind of six seven eight nine ten I don't know that

[37:13]kind of age range they feel that they've been entrusted with a

[37:16]great position that they're now in charge of making sure the Salah

[37:19]is conducted if it's done together if there's a family I think

[37:24]I think you know psychologically it's a really important part of development

[37:29]and often I think one of the that the critiques of different

[37:33]societies is when they continue this infantile stage you know depriving a

[37:40]child of taking any responsibilities through I think the guise of all

[37:45]you know they're too young they're gonna have responsibilities the rest of

[37:48]life you're actually inhibiting their development so so sharing some of that

[37:52]responsibility but doing it in a balanced way and I think you

[37:57]know what I liked about what you said was you know with

[37:59]the cooking that you didn't say you started trying to develop these

[38:04]habits and the children before you said you started doing it yourself

[38:09]and again psychologically we know that you can say whatever you want

[38:12]to your kids if you're not doing it why do you think

[38:18]they're gonna follow yeah yeah learning you know leading by example I

[38:20]think it's similar to the salaah issue if we are very passionate

[38:23]about Iran if we're very passionate about you know implementing some of

[38:28]the beautiful teachings of our faith then they will follow suit at

[38:31]least they will be impressed by the genuine sincere attempts to do

[38:38]what's right and even if they resist there will always be something

[38:40]in them to think okay you know what my parents they're not

[38:43]being hypocritical here you know you know telling me to make sure

[38:47]I pray on time and they're leaving it to the last minute

[38:49]so that's something else learning patience it says here having learned to

[38:56]be more patient during this time understand the impact less tired check

[39:02]I'm just wondering if we might just kind of look at some

[39:08]of the questions coming through yes and kind of interspersed that with

[39:10]with some of what was coming through came through on the survey

[39:13]so I mean there's this question how can I convince my other

[39:19]half to take kovin 19 more seriously my husband wants to go

[39:23]out and meet other people but I will worry about our safety

[39:29]how might we approach that I think you know it would be

[39:33]very lucky if somehow think that as husband and wife we have

[39:39]to agree on everything as human beings one of the principles I

[39:42]think we have to kind of understand that we have diverse opinions

[39:49]ultimately you know a las Panna cottas created us differently and doesn't

[39:52]necessarily mean that two people are compatible must always agree on everything

[39:56]you know I always I've had one person ask me last time

[39:59]we're having a lot of conflicts that's terrible that's really bad for

[40:02]marriage I say to them but marriage without conflict is a very

[40:09]weird spirit conflict you've got to have that disagreement you learn you

[40:14]know about each other and understand each other and it's absolutely very

[40:18]important to be able to look at and empathetically with emotional intelligence

[40:22]what the other person is thinking about remember there are people who

[40:28]have had cast experiences of illnesses and or they have heard something

[40:32]you might have not heard as a husband and your wife may

[40:36]have heard something therefore her perspective and her her way of looking

[40:41]at covent 90 will probably be different necessarily or you know or

[40:45]you've always been raised to take things lightly and I think it's

[40:48]very important at this challenging time where is not clear-cut you know

[40:53]you look at the news and there's both sides of the argument

[40:56]it's not a black-and-white situation so with this a my understanding is

[41:00]that we have to try and work together come to some form

[41:06]of understanding some form of compromise based on what we can do

[41:08]appreciating each other's concerns communicating about each other's concerns sometimes we don't

[41:15]actually talk about it enough we just say that's my belief you've

[41:17]got to accept it I don't want anyone to leave the house

[41:19]without a mask and or anyone to you know you know for

[41:23]example you may you know as a husband or a wife not

[41:28]agree with bringing in the shopping and then wiping everything just in

[41:32]case you know somebody but one of the you know either husband

[41:35]or wife will say no I'm worried you know I want to

[41:39]be make sure making sure that everything is wiped so you might

[41:41]think ah this is taking too much time I'm frustrated what's the

[41:46]point I don't agree with it but maybe it can be that

[41:48]can be used as a reflection of how the marital relationship can

[41:53]be enhanced by understanding each other's needs right and and I think

[41:58]you know in the example you've shared yeah you know anything to

[42:00]do with covertly concept' some people's threat detection systems like on fire

[42:05]so everything is is threat focused is danger focused and I think

[42:09]you know if there if there are times when we're not in

[42:14]that mode we can use those as opportunities to have some of

[42:16]the communication and kind of check in with out within ourselves that

[42:22]you know unless I'm absolutely sure which unfortunately with Co mid-nineteen nothing

[42:26]is absolutely sure you know there may be more cautious paths to

[42:32]take the may be less cautious path to take but I guess

[42:34]in a relationship ultimately there's got to be something about compromise in

[42:37]the absence of there being absolute clarity on an issue and compromise

[42:42]maybe you know the next best thing I mean I wouldn't say

[42:47]that we want to be compromising around people who have kind of

[42:51]high risk conditions but where that's not established then maybe there's something

[42:55]about trying to be each other halfway because the risk is if

[42:58]we don't try and be each other halfway if we become polarized

[43:03]in our positions actually would we drift further apart from each other

[43:08]yeah yeah now there's a lot of questions coming in so let's

[43:10]see how much we can get through but one of them is

[43:15]it says I'm so stressed I have to homeschool my kids by

[43:17]myself and I'm also expected to take on all the household chores

[43:24]no one bothers to help me I'm too exhausted and can't cope

[43:27]much more with this and I think it's interesting because obviously one

[43:31]of the questions we asked in the survey with challenges and this

[43:35]came up very often you know some people saying that my husband

[43:38]would just sit watch TV one lady said I think the lady

[43:44]she said my husband is on his phone 24 hours just you

[43:47]know messaging or sunset or just playing games all the time and

[43:54]that has created a degree of frustration given that perhaps there's much

[44:00]more expectation and by the way you know cleaning cooking and shopping

[44:04]are three things that probably have increased during lockdown I don't know

[44:10]people are saying we're spending more money because we're more home were

[44:17]cleaning more and so then finding us challenge when it comes to

[44:20]I mean it would it would appear that through a lot of

[44:25]the gendered responses and by that I mean people referring to their

[44:29]husbands that there certainly seems to be from the survey and from

[44:33]the questions and much more of an issue with the expectations that

[44:36]men seem to have on women without the other way around and

[44:41]that that's not to say that women may have unrealistic expectations of

[44:44]men as well but give them that that this is what we're

[44:47]noticing in terms of the expectations men have of women and how

[44:54]these may have you know grown and they've been been increased in

[44:58]lockdown and what what advice would we want to be targeting towards

[45:03]men well I'll start with the discussion regarding Islamic recommendations of taking

[45:16]part and you know ensuring that it is not something that is

[45:21]only left to our sisters our wives you know but really be

[45:28]an active kind of partner in the household in the sense that

[45:32]yes in circumstances where by the husband is out and you know

[45:38]our brothers are working or perhaps even working from home what I

[45:41]tend to do I'll tell you my own personal experience is that

[45:44]when I come down for example if I'm you know in my

[45:48]office working whatever but I come down for Salah you know for

[45:50]family then I use the opportunity if I'm waiting people to do

[45:54]well or maybe get some of the dishes done maybe you know

[45:57]tidy up this place and whatever use whatever opportunity we have and

[46:01]then obviously towards the end of the day to ensure that I

[46:04]balance as much as I can and not necessarily I think its

[46:10]mindset personally I first say it's mindset in the sense that if

[46:12]I approach this as like you know that's not my responsibility it's

[46:16]my wife's responsibility so I'll just sit there and watch her you

[46:21]know run like a headless chicken from one place to another thinking

[46:25]all right it's not Mike whereas if I approach it with it

[46:27]with the with the spirit of a team effort that I you

[46:31]know it it is my interest in my house stays clean and

[46:34]everything is done well and you know everyone is on top and

[46:40]my wife if she is a you know helped in this sense

[46:45]helped in the sense that you know even if things are to

[46:48]do with her own work assembly chores but things were a fight

[46:50]that enables the couple to spend more time together it enables the

[46:55]couple to be able to you know communicate and do the activities

[46:58]that they enjoy together so it's a win-win situation if people think

[47:02]about it at all and I really liked what you said about

[47:04]mindset and and I guess in terms of the the ultimate essence

[47:10]of us as Muslims that that mindset is doing things for the

[47:13]sake of allah subhanaw taala so if we were to start things

[47:19]with the intention of not you know is this my responsibility or

[47:22]her responsibility you know should I do this as a favor for

[47:27]her so that she can do me a favor if if we

[47:28]put that aside for them and say just doing this good more

[47:33]than Allah I wonder how much of an impact that would make

[47:38]it again you know mightn't my challenge to viewers is without kind

[47:43]of be trying to be transactional about this can you can you

[47:47]do an experiment can you plan something right now just as we're

[47:53]just as you're listening to do an act of service for your

[47:56]partner not with the expectation of anything in return purely for the

[48:02]sake of Allah I'm just going to give you 30 seconds I

[48:08]know there's a lot trust her to get through but unless there's

[48:11]action following this webinar I don't want it to just be a

[48:13]talking shop so I'm I'm gonna take a few seconds to commit

[48:18]a share perhaps you can have a little thick and maybe we

[48:23]can share what our commitments are what our experiment is okay why

[48:49]not him i-i've just realized I don't think I can share my

[48:56]commitment because my wife is in the background clearly for the intention

[48:59]of Allah as a couple so I'm just gonna wait until she

[49:01]leaves but then I might share my did well what did you

[49:06]commit to well I think for me it's more about spending more

[49:09]time with my younger child and kind of through her education giving

[49:15]a little bit more time going through her lessons and so on

[49:18]which were Rives a little bit of pressure from my wife I

[49:24]thought that might be you know for the sake of a lark

[49:26]something beneficial should we come back to yours and and maybe go

[49:37]to another question yeah I mean I'm often saying you know I'm

[49:39]gonna iron herb herb work clothes before she goes to work so

[49:44]the next time I'm in a rush then I can call her

[49:46]and say hey you know what I done yours last time but

[49:50]I think my intention is I'm gonna iron her want clothes I'm

[49:53]gonna make sure I don't use that that this is just for

[49:57]the sake of Allah on earth Allah you shall I see benefits

[50:01]and I don't I don't make it transactional and let's see--we impact

[50:04]that has on me yes ooh panel I mean II know this

[50:08]if Lars is so highly emphasized in Islam you know the acts

[50:11]will only be accepted by your life and do it truly sincerely

[50:12]for his sake and we have excellent role models you know the

[50:18]prophet and his family you know who gave three days their food

[50:20]just for the sake of Allah the Quran affirms this were too

[50:24]late son they said we don't want any thanks from you were

[50:25]doing it for the sake of God and of course the Prophet

[50:29]an imam ali and all the glories are Helen Beit would be

[50:31]involved in the house you know that was 1400 years ago when

[50:37]even cultural norms were so different not like today they would still

[50:41]mmm highly still would be sweeping the floor you know sieving the

[50:44]pulses helping you know in the house as much as one there's

[50:49]just just a point on that before we move on so you

[50:55]know sometimes I think you know I'm helping my wife you know

[50:59]share the responsibilities at home and you know just before as we

[51:04]were preparing for the short show a you know this comment I'm

[51:07]helping my wife like what I'm helping her or or helping myself

[51:11]and I just realized you know maybe there's a bit of an

[51:16]attitude problem there that actually I'm not helping her as if she's

[51:21]something separate to me didn't I do for her ultimately I'm doing

[51:25]for me because that we're not separate we're one so I'm not

[51:28]doing her a favor by helping that yeah yeah it's it's a

[51:34]collective effort in the sensor for the for the you know like

[51:37]we mentioned earlier that it's for the better good of both you

[51:42]know because if they think this jointly as a separate units ultimately

[51:46]there's gonna be a lot of clashes and lack of your fluidity

[51:52]in what they do so definitely that mindset is very important so

[51:56]there's a question regarding a pressure from the in-laws yeah we've had

[51:59]a lot of you know some of the challenges people have had

[52:03]is you know obviously people who live with the in-laws or perhaps

[52:07]because of more communication on zoom' or phone or whatever there's been

[52:13]a little bit of you know pressure regarding interference from the in-laws

[52:17]and here says the question says we have a lot of pressure

[52:18]to give my in-laws time as well as kids so very hard

[52:23]find quality time with partner this is cause the law present and

[52:27]frustration how can I explain to them that my husband and I

[52:34]need time together - yeah now I guess the starting point should

[52:37]should it be you know me telling my wife you know what

[52:41]are you to speak to my parents you know just you should

[52:43]communicate with them what what might be the issue with that sure

[52:50]well why why am I not communicating with the parents why am

[52:53]i throwing it back at the at the wife it's it's running

[52:58]away from the battlefield Santa's cool air battlefield but in the sense

[53:04]that you know sometimes because what when the wife speaks is not

[53:08]gonna really solve the problem going forward they'd say you know we

[53:11]have to go into what's known as the adult mode isn't it

[53:13]and be able to eat calmly respectfully to their parents as to

[53:19]you know how the arrangement ideally should be you know we've had

[53:26]we've had discussions you know between you know couples and whatever and

[53:30]I've had examples people tell me with this kovat situation some parents

[53:33]are saying you know what we've been at home or been isolating

[53:36]it's okay just come and see us whatever in the garden and

[53:41]some said no we don't like in between again goes back to

[53:44]this original one but it's so important that you know I feel

[53:49]that if we have a disagreement as a husband and wife as

[53:52]far as how to approach this issue when we approach our parents

[53:58]it needs to be a unified joint stance because if one says

[54:01]oh I want this and the other says I want that then

[54:05]and then you're going with that stance you're ready you already kind

[54:09]of on the back foot whereas if you both together in one

[54:12]position respectfully going and saying look this is what we've come together

[54:17]to understand and we'll jointly agreed this is how we're going to

[54:19]you know these are the number of times we're gonna meet with

[54:21]you guys online this is the number of times we're going to

[54:24]visit you and meet you in the park and so on and

[54:28]so forth then at least that gives a kind of a unified

[54:31]approach to things perhaps and so I guess if we're going to

[54:36]be unified where we're saying that the married couple needs to be

[54:41]unified yes in addressing whatever issues there might be with the parents

[54:47]from either side that that can that could maybe cause a bit

[54:50]of a dilemma so say say for example my parents want my

[54:55]wife to do something then you know I I'm stuck in the

[54:59]middle do I have to take a have to choose a side

[55:01]do I support my wife or do I support my parents how

[55:04]do I resolve that well this is a million-dollar question isn't it

[55:10]that so many people have and they think it's either/or you know

[55:15]they have to feel they feel but they need to choose and

[55:17]that really really let's be a bit more honest now it's the

[55:23]men you know absolutely hate especially though other non-confrontational ones you know

[55:27]that this you know if I go with my wife if I

[55:32]have to somehow have a bad relationship with my mother or my

[55:34]father if I go with my parents my wife's gonna constantly you

[55:37]know and so they're always worried about which side they're going to

[55:42]be pleasing and which side they're going to be kind of siding

[55:45]but that's always kind of related to not not being honest and

[55:50]not having that heart-to-heart you know really you know close communication opening

[55:54]up and saying okay look what are these kind of challenges let's

[56:00]talk about them and and taking ownership of the situation it's very

[56:04]important and you know jumping from the child mode to the adult

[56:06]and saying you know what I'm now person who is my own

[56:10]person I am responsible for my actions I understand what you're saying

[56:14]I'll take it on board in the sense that I respect it

[56:17]but I respectfully disagree for example and this make and I'm not

[56:21]taking sides I think that's very important because this if one day

[56:23]I'm taking one person side the other person expects me next time

[56:26]last time you took your mother's side so this time take my

[56:29]side and then you're always kind of going back and forth trying

[56:31]to kind of please I think that you know when you said

[56:41]about being the you know the adults as a son or as

[56:46]a daughter with my parents am I gonna perpetuate what may often

[56:52]be maintaining a child's state just agreeing and bangari thinking and maybe

[56:59]relating that to a misconception of respect you know just respecting my

[57:03]parents mean that I have to obey them and agree with them

[57:06]when it when everything what does respecting them mean acknowledging that you

[57:10]know they have raised me to be an independent thinker someone who

[57:14]can make mature decisions someone who has to kind of make sure

[57:17]he's taking care of his household his wife and his children or

[57:22]you know if it's the woman hit the husband and the children

[57:24]and being able to have that mature conversation which sometimes a disagrees

[57:28]with the parents albeit in a respectful manner yeah absolutely time is

[57:35]pressing sufferers so let's go through a few questions here says we

[57:40]have not been physically intimate for a long time now due to

[57:45]worries from covet and passing on the virus this has led to

[57:48]breakdown in marital bond but I don't know what to do what

[57:54]do you think should be there I mean my understanding and I

[57:57]don't claim to be an expert in this but that kind of

[58:01]passing on the Kovan virus is is going to be done through

[58:04]sneezing primarily this is not one of you know going to increase

[58:12]your risk by being physically intimate and so that that shouldn't be

[58:16]a reason for to avoid intimate activity and in addition to that

[58:20]you know if you're utilizing protection then that would that would mitigate

[58:24]for that factor even if it was present you know I would

[58:29]I would second that I think what I would say is that

[58:32]talk about each other's fears and try to find out you know

[58:38]investigate you know go and research from credible sources there's a lot

[58:42]of fake news out there you know there's a lot of people

[58:47]talking all kinds of things about theories 5ji this data you know

[58:50]I think it's there it's so important for us to get to

[58:54]get to the bottom of what is so far being established and

[58:57]once you know and you know sometimes we have to take chances

[59:02]but calculated risks what is really more important I mean if they're

[59:09]both two healthy adults you know inshallah they won't get it but

[59:13]you know lack of physical intimacy could be quite detrimental in a

[59:19]marital relationship could be a slippery slope towards god forbid you know

[59:23]you know the marriage not continuing it needs to be you know

[59:27]addressed it needs and it's not something that's just physical it's the

[59:32]whole process you know you know from morning till night from day

[59:36]to day it's about how one it treats the other it's about

[59:38]the time that's spent this about the love languages you know so

[59:44]it that has to be taken into consideration I think in this

[59:47]particular regard but on this point there's a practical tip or a

[59:50]practical advice that I offer for my sisters and brothers and that

[59:54]is I know we're coming down close to kind of easing off

[59:58]the lockdown but maybe what this experience has shown us if obviously

[60:01]we've been at home and perhaps obviously with kind of heard each

[60:05]other speak or more than before you know if you've talked about

[60:10]it scientifically you would being kind of in each other's kind of

[60:14]presence more than before maybe it's triggered something in our minds that

[60:18]I know but you know we both have talked about this and

[60:22]I know it's not agreed upon by some out there and you

[60:25]know maybe it's ifs and buts about it but maybe I need

[60:32]to understand a little bit more about you know the female psyche

[60:35]and the male psyche I need to maybe appreciate how and specifically

[60:40]maybe to do with my own wife or my own husband in

[60:43]that sense make it as a learning experience journal it you know

[60:47]journal it back that okay you know what last time this happened

[60:52]this is taught me that maybe this I will deal with this

[60:54]in a particular way because you've had you have a bit more

[60:58]time now we have a little bit more experience based on more

[61:00]interaction even if you'd be married for 20 years I don't think

[61:05]any one of us in our lifetimes and ever being kind of

[61:08]together in this particular three months without spouses as much as we've

[61:16]had right so it's a new experience for all of us surely

[61:17]out of this lockdown we're gonna have to be able to learn

[61:21]one or two things about the other that we didn't know before

[61:25]before surely it's kind of reminds me of when something I wanted

[61:32]to address also related to the communication you know as a key

[61:37]theme in relationships and that's getting the the right sort of balance

[61:41]and you know we had a couple of points on the survey

[61:44]and I've seen that some of the other comments about criticism the

[61:49]amount of negativity now you know on one hand you know without

[61:53]beating ourselves up initially for being negative we understand that you know

[61:57]the stressful circumstances are gonna generate a lot more negativity however like

[62:02]I said we've been blessed with choice and if we can become

[62:05]aware of that negativity we can try and balance it the positive

[62:09]and you know particularly in our communications I think there's something to

[62:13]be aware of and if we recognize that sometimes there may be

[62:18]a lot more negativity in our communication taking a specific act and

[62:22]I want to invite you now to take your mobile phones if

[62:28]you're watching this on your mobile phone then just switch over to

[62:33]your messages section and I want you to open a message and

[62:36]write to your partner so and if you're if you're not married

[62:44]then hopefully you're your fiancee and if maybe if you're you're not

[62:51]quite there yet then you could start creating a list to get

[62:56]in the practice so I want you to list or as many

[63:03]blessings for that you know you feel are endowed in your spouse

[63:07]and I'm gonna give you a time where you've got 60 seconds

[63:13]and whoever gets the most blessing so they have to be different

[63:17]yeah post your on on the YouTube comments and the winner will

[63:20]get a certain prize I'm gonna go she ate with that with

[63:24]you share so 60 seconds to write as many things or positive

[63:27]attributes blessings within your partner before you press send on your marks

[63:32]get set go 20 seconds left three two one and press send

[64:43]okay so hopefully even if nothing else comes out of your your

[64:49]time spent here you've taken one action that has put a smile

[64:55]on your splashes face so that I was just alluding back to

[64:58]this idea of balance and balance in our communication and protecting that

[65:02]time to create balance now one one other point that we can

[65:07]build on from this is related to how we spend on time

[65:13]how we protect our time and people have you know already mentioned

[65:17]that my parents my in-laws putting pressure on me and you know

[65:22]that doesn't give us enough time to be intimate together so in

[65:25]being able to communicate that with them as a family being proactive

[65:29]now of course it would be nice to maybe spend you know

[65:32]spontaneous time in intimate ways or in other ways any other quality

[65:38]way in which you might spend time together with your children with

[65:42]your spouse and indeed alone so I guess the the last sword

[65:46]maybe more interactive part that I want to suggest is it requires

[65:52]you to get your phone out one more time and maybe look

[65:54]at the week or two ahead and see who can schedule in

[66:01]some protected time for each person in your household now that might

[66:07]be an hour just dedicated to your child an hour just dedicated

[66:15]to your mother an hour just dedicated to your partner and in

[66:22]addition to that an hour just dedicated for yourself now just before

[66:28]you or maybe just as you are doing that sure is there

[66:34]any good reason or is it selfish for us to take out

[66:38]and protect time just for ourselves I think it's very much needed

[66:45]you know I think one of the things people realized in this

[66:51]lockdown is the need to give each other space in you know

[66:58]in you know in the marital relationship as well you know for

[67:03]us sometimes we need our own environment just to think and grow

[67:08]and reflect and and be able to kind of pull together and

[67:10]so on and so forth so it is it is something good

[67:15]and I think in in you know trying to do what is

[67:20]good you know there's so many things that you might be able

[67:23]to do just by yourself I think consider if you're protecting that

[67:26]time for yourself to consider it as an investment not that you

[67:33]should be pushing yourself hard to do some catch up on some

[67:36]work now that's that's not protecting time for yourself but protecting time

[67:40]for yourself doesn't necessarily just mean another episode or Netflix or just

[67:45]catching up on your instant may be protecting time for yourself in

[67:49]terms of reflection you know if we if we think about our

[67:56]hadith and the value of reflection now if I'm gonna protect or

[67:59]invest that one hour for myself I want it to be the

[68:04]equivalent of 70 years of a bada so we know that is

[68:05]there it's doing in a strategic way but it's also planning it

[68:11]together with your partner so that if you're going to have time

[68:13]for yourself you don't need your kids around you that's where you're

[68:17]saying to your partner no I'm gonna take the kids so that

[68:23]you get an hour for yourself and this can be a bit

[68:27]more transactional so that the next time you can take the kids

[68:30]so I can have an hour for myself excellent yeah very good

[68:34]very good I hope I mean I know some of you watching

[68:37]drinking and this is not for me I don't want to try

[68:40]this out I don't want to send this message I don't want

[68:42]to write this down but you see I know it might be

[68:46]uncomfortable I know it's not something it might be used to but

[68:51]the only way for us to change positively is if we feel

[68:54]if we do something that is uncomfortable and break that kind of

[68:57]cycle that habit that we might have or in our whole bubble

[69:01]we've got to maybe step out and say you know what I

[69:03]need to change I want the situation to improve and one situation

[69:06]to improve it doesn't matter it's not if you have a fantastic

[69:08]relationship it can also be better as a married couple so these

[69:14]are you know they might look like simple exercises but I think

[69:18]they're quite powerful and I'll add one more tip here and I

[69:22]know you've got about five minutes and we've got a couple more

[69:25]questions I think he were being reminded as well just to kind

[69:27]of tackle quickly but one tip that we often present is this

[69:34]listening time and often what happens in conversation between husband and wife

[69:39]is that we interject each other and we're not listening to understand

[69:44]but when listening to reply and a lot of it and because

[69:46]we're together in the household and so on maybe allocate once a

[69:51]week where you sit down and what one starts with three minutes

[69:56]and the other is not allowed to say anything but should pay

[70:02]attention to what's being said and trying to figure out and then

[70:06]three minutes could be how the day is been or some challenges

[70:10]that they're faced or some concern that they might have or some

[70:14]lovely memory whatever it is but it should be one where we

[70:17]pay attention and you know really close the attentive to and then

[70:20]repeat the same and this listening time is very important on a

[70:26]regular basis for couples to practice because what it does is it's

[70:30]some you know we have out there some husbands who are introverts

[70:34]and some wives who are extroverts and vice versa and sometimes all

[70:37]they do is just their unless this they're quiet they're thinking interests

[70:41]inside and you and the other person shouting over their door just

[70:44]loud and then they're not getting their points across or they're not

[70:48]being heard for example and it's very important that listening practice happens

[70:52]on a regular basis Oh a shaker I think as we're coming

[70:59]towards the end of this show I've just tried to put into

[71:02]practice what you suggested I was just doing a little listening time

[71:07]with you you know just didn't interrupt and so seeing as I've

[71:15]done that I wonder if you might be interested [Music] [Music] okay

[71:30]hey my request the doing a little bit of practice I'm so

[71:43]sorry surprise I don't know maybe it's my internet can you repeat

[71:47]that okay maybe a while yes I'm back again sorry are you

[72:01]can you hear me okay yes yes yes okay sorry I didn't

[72:04]guys I didn't hear the message you said earlier yeah so my

[72:11]request was for you to reciprocate if you'd consider it so we

[72:14]had this point about you know in-laws and you know having a

[72:18]chat with with your own parents so I just wanted you to

[72:21]imagine if I was your father and your wife had you know

[72:26]some issue because I I mean me and me and me and

[72:28]your mother were you know very demanding of your time and you

[72:33]know you just needed a bit of your own space how would

[72:35]you have that conversation with me could you just do a quick

[72:40]roleplay let's do a quick rope thing okay so phone call or

[72:43]zoo yeah let's just zoom in let's Zuma okay so here we

[72:49]are zoom salamualikum' how are you my dear mother hamdulillah Carmela are

[72:53]you keeping how's your health yeah not too bad you know there's

[72:57]always something going on but you know it's good to have you

[72:59]and your wife you know always there for us love really appreciate

[73:02]all the time it's great to see finally you're not how to

[73:08]use zoom yeah yeah well those are another one of the wonderful

[73:11]things that your wife showed me how to do that's good that's

[73:15]good I am glad that my wife is helpful in that sense

[73:20]great what I wanted to ask you or speak to your father

[73:26]is that you know I have always been you know very grateful

[73:29]for your assistance and help I've really benefited from your kindness and

[73:34]your wisdom but I wanted at the same time to discuss a

[73:39]matter with you which I feel it's very important for me and

[73:44]I feel I need to be able to have an open and

[73:45]frank discussion with you there's some serious everything okay everything's perfectly fine

[73:52]you don't need to worry at all and why are we talking

[73:54]because it's very important that we have a conversation about it because

[74:00]if we don't have a conversation about it it will always be

[74:04]between people and I don't want people to speak about and and

[74:09]and behind our backs but for us to have an open and

[74:11]frank discussion so that you know you are clear on where what's

[74:16]what's in my mind because that's why I'm listening I mean I'm

[74:20]intrigued discussion that's very important for me as well ya know okay

[74:25]mostly it's it's not as a serious issue but what I wanted

[74:37]to perhaps respectfully ask is that we we agree on a kind

[74:41]of a timetable or some kind of a plan together whether it

[74:45]goes to how many times we have these conversations or we have

[74:49]the kind of family meetings because it's very important for me and

[74:53]my family as well to have our own time and to balance

[74:57]it and you have set ourselves you know you have told to

[75:03]me when I'm young and you know you have really encouraged me

[75:06]to ensure that I respect my wife and my family and I

[75:11]have to do that before God the Almighty so I want to

[75:12]make sure that I do the right thing so I wanted us

[75:16]to have a clear and open discussion what is your expectation is

[75:19]it okay for the kind of limit to talk about well you

[75:23]know you pointed this out though I taught you to respect to

[75:28]wife and your family and so yeah I mean I I'm glad

[75:30]you raised this and and this is why I've told you I

[75:33]guess in my day you know we never had these things where

[75:39]you would you know need some time separate from you you know

[75:42]your parents they ask you to do something to do it and

[75:45]I hope I haven't been too demanding but maybe if you feel

[75:49]you don't get enough time then this is the new generation it's

[75:55]I'm very grateful for your understanding and different times basically require many

[76:00]different challenges will bring about many different challenges this is no shape

[76:05]or form disrespectful or anyway less attentive to you and to my

[76:11]respected mother but you know your position and your respect is great

[76:17]in my heart I want to just to make sure that you

[76:19]know I am fair and I'm honest and and things and and

[76:24]we can we can discuss it as we go forward how whether

[76:31]its worked and have an idea of you know how we can

[76:33]progress well you know me and your mother we don't want to

[76:38]be a burden on you and you know if this is the

[76:41]way of this new generation then you know for me to complain

[76:45]I'm so grateful jazakallah khair my dear father and you know I

[76:50]this is this is the spirit that I've always expected from you

[76:55]you know you're always this kind of you know understanding person that

[76:59]I always have known well I guess there's there's one thing I

[77:03]know I've told you well is to speak your mind a put

[77:09]you on the spot but I just think you know these conversations

[77:16]couldn't feel so scary this communication can feel so difficult and I

[77:21]don't I don't claim that it's always going to go super smooth

[77:25]but you know I think you provided some some beautiful examples there

[77:28]of how we can have a challenging conversation respectfully and just a

[77:33]highlight at the respect and and you know reflect back on those

[77:35]teachings that our parents have given us as well yeah I mean

[77:40]I I think from having these conversations also kind of reading around

[77:45]watching I think we both agree that parents love to see that

[77:48]their children kind of say that we we've kind of learnt from

[77:54]you and you kind of start off with the positives you know

[77:57]one friend of mine said I don't agree with it that sentence

[78:04]but he said you stroke then strike but it's it's a matter

[78:10]manner of just you know respect and so on that we can

[78:13]but yeah these role plays are very very important and I think

[78:17]I'm gonna thank you for that we've kind of come nearly to

[78:20]the end of the program because it's not nearly salat time there's

[78:25]a quick question about what kind of questions to ask for a

[78:28]potential spouse to ensure their religiously compatible but it's not really a

[78:31]question that you should be asked because this is a lifetime commitment

[78:36]so I would suggest that example you get the book by our

[78:38]dear colleagues Abbas and Tajin Murali called spouse selection there's a huge

[78:43]chapter there wonderfully written on so many things one should be thinking

[78:46]about when approaching somebody especially in this day and age where perhaps

[78:49]they don't necessarily meet up as much it's more on online or

[78:55]zoom but it's not a list of questions that you kind of

[78:57]ask yeah you've passed the exam and let's get married because we

[79:01]don't do that to people at university when we go to kind

[79:03]of decide to have who's our friends we don't have a tick

[79:07]list and then it's just through normal conversations but there are certain

[79:09]things to keep in mind of values and principles so much to

[79:14]cover for that it's not something we can perhaps cover within a

[79:18]minute or so in this particular program but maybe inshallah we can

[79:25]have other programs coming up is there any other tips or anything

[79:27]else you want to say sufferance yeah I guess I just just

[79:30]wanted to end by saying you know there's so much more we

[79:34]could talk about and the you know there are a number of

[79:37]other issues that we haven't had the opportunity to cover but I

[79:42]didn't just want to share one resource and I think Reshma might

[79:45]be able to kind of put it on the on the youtube

[79:49]comment section this the link tree for courage well-being which is a

[79:54]collation of a number of resources for relationship issues for kind of

[80:01]mental health issues kind of domestic abuse the reason some of the

[80:06]issues that you know we welcome below where we're in an environment

[80:09]where we have those blessings to reach out to you so I

[80:14]hope that you know in addition to anything that you've taken away

[80:16]today that you know if there's other issues that you might be

[80:20]struggling with that gives you one one point of reference for some

[80:29]reliable resources thank you so much now there's one more point that

[80:34]I think it's very important to raise it seems to be a

[80:37]matter that causes a lot of unfortunately breakdown in marital relationships and

[80:41]you know perhaps the number one reason why divorce has happened in

[80:46]some men many Western countries is financial constraints in this touch challenging

[80:52]difficult time of kovat 19 and I know it's you know people

[80:58]are being laid off work people are being furloughed you know people

[81:02]are really anxious about going forward in the future how they're going

[81:05]to you know make ends meet and I think it's very important

[81:10]that you know both as husband and wife we work together understand

[81:13]the concerns and the situation and be able to somehow support each

[81:18]other if possible be able to lower our expectations of each other

[81:24]at this challenging time and also not to take it out on

[81:26]the other as much as we can because I think it's not

[81:29]fair just because we feel under pressure or stressed because of you

[81:35]know finances we kind of lose our cool at home and become

[81:38]angry and start shouting and picking on certain things and so on

[81:43]and so forth working as a team is much more effective and

[81:46]remember allah subhanaw taala is a Razak and this is a test

[81:51]this is an examination he will be the one who provides if

[81:53]we submit to him if we you know are confident that he

[81:59]will not abandon us do our duties work as hard as possible

[82:01]as a team as a couple as a unit that he loves

[82:06]inshaallah risk and blessings will be bestowed upon us did you want

[82:11]to add anything on this sufferance just just to end with if

[82:18]you would bring but about our relationship well before the do I'd

[82:23]like to thank sincerely you know dr.

[82:25]oz for joining us and you know from them not putting in

[82:32]so much valuable input and points in this particular discussion really grateful

[82:34]for the nation and really grateful for all the sisters and brothers

[82:41]for joining and taking part sending your questions may Allah and Allah

[82:45]bless you all I hope insha Allah you can join us in

[82:47]our future programs and webinars and discussions as well as face-to-face programs

[82:52]if you want to be kind of constantly aware of our programs

[82:58]and do make you like our Facebook page Instagram Twitter YouTube we

[83:04]will have a website Islamic IDI dot-org out in the next few

[83:08]weeks insha'Allah and hope that you can all stay safe well happy

[83:17]with a strong flourishing committed determined loving relationship inshaallah under the watchful

[83:27]blissful merciful eyes of the almighty subhana allah don't forget to recite

[83:31]chapter 25 verse number 74 one of my favorite verses which is

[83:34]a dua for those who are not married to get to marry

[83:37]for those who are married to have a healthier relationship and it's

[83:40]a door out for those who do not have children to have

[83:42]children and it's a door out for those who have children to

[83:45]have righteous to be able to raise their children to become righteous

[83:49]the verse is well edenia puno naar a better haplin Ameen as

[83:52]watching her for free our Tina kata young or John Donne in

[83:59]what Athena ammama chapter 25 verse 74 it is those it says

[84:02]it is those who say Ya Allah o our Lord make our

[84:07]spouse and our children the pride of our eyes the apple of

[84:10]our eyes and make us the leaders of the contrary thank you

[84:14]so much for all of you for joining in take care and

[84:16]shall see you next time on Salaam alaikum wa rahmatullahi ta'ala what

[84:21]avocado stream has finished

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