Femininity In Islam - Weekly Series - Sister Sahar Jaber

21 المشاهدات· 24/07/12

Lebanese Youth Foundation
مشتركين

في محاضرات

Join the Lebanese Youth Foundation - LYF weekly during the Month of Shaaban to engage in a series of interactive lectures geared mainly for the sisters but all are welcome!
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🎙️*Speaker:* Sister Sahar Jaber (Canada)

📡*Location:* Live on Facebook and Youtube channel
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📜*Topic:* Womahood; An in-depth analysis of femininity in Islam
Session 1 (22nd March) – Status of females in Islam
Session 2 (29th March) – Marital gender roles
Session 3 (5th April) – The obligation of females in Islam
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Please make sure you are following our page and channel: @lebaneseyouthfoundation and share.

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Transcript

[0:30][Music] my name is huda thank you for joining our live event

[1:05]i would like to congratulate the messenger of allah his athlete the

[1:09]followers of athletic and all human beings on the birth anniversary of

[1:14]the proof of allah the living hosha the imam of our time

[1:20]imam al-mahdi allah foreign i'd like to read a section of the

[1:25]book the blessed birth of imam mahdi by muhammad raza ansari to

[1:30]commemorate this blessed day on friday sunrise the 15th day of shaaban

[1:35]the last promise of god almighty came in this world imam al-mahdi

[1:39]the patron of the age spread his holy light all over the

[1:45]world at that moment lady hakima who was beside imam hassan was

[1:49]asked by him to re-enter nerj's room complying with imam's order she

[1:55]stopped suddenly in front of najas's room stand because the light was

[2:00]full and pure and divine she then saw a beautiful sweet infant

[2:06]boy was bowing down towards the qibla direction and praising god almighty

[2:13]astonished lady hakimasu nurses nourishes his face and forehead shining more splendidly

[2:18]than the midday sun while imam mahdi bowed down towards the qibla

[2:24]he also raised his index finger towards the sky and uttered these

[2:31]words i testify that there is no god but allah i also

[2:34]believe in a single unique god and there is no partner for

[2:39]him i testify that my ancestor is the messenger of god and

[2:42]i testify that my father the commander of the believers was the

[2:47]proof of god then imam mahdi said the names of his illustrious

[2:53]ancestors and called them proofs of god almighty and he added oh

[2:58]god please fulfill your promise for me and help me finish my

[3:03]duty make my steps constant and firm and spread your justice and

[3:08]equity all over the world at my hand thank you for joining

[3:11]today's event it's titled womanhood and in-depth analysis of femininity in islam

[3:17]with sister sahar jabir this is a weekly event streamed every monday

[3:21]throughout the month of shah ban we always have a weekly event

[3:26]every thursday throughout shaaban with sheikh jafar hammut titled reconnecting with allah

[3:30]it would be lovely for all of you to join us in

[3:34]these events so we can hopefully learn and grow as a community

[3:37]together so i'm going to give a short um background introduction to

[3:42]sisters she was born and raised in ontario canada she completed a

[3:49]double honors in sociology and communication she resides in lebanon where she

[3:54]studied a few years of islamic studies with the pursuit to create

[3:57]an impact in muslim children's literature she started her own publications company

[4:01]known as figs and olives publications she has recently published her first

[4:05]book titled but why is hijab so important so special this book

[4:11]aims to educate and inspire young females and males about the hijab

[4:16]the main goal of the publishing company is to provide reliable and

[4:20]educational resources for parents and children to bring to build a strong

[4:24]islamic foundation her dreams and aspirations in life are to empower the

[4:29]muslim generation through literature and knowledge i'd now like to invite sister

[4:36]sahar to start the talk and we're looking forward to hearing from

[4:39]her salaamwalekum and we're going to start um with the presentation in

[5:08]sha allah congratulations everyone on this auspicious day the birth of imam

[5:17]and mahdi it's an honor for all of us and for all

[5:22]the muslim communities and it's my pleasure to be on this platform

[5:25]discussing such an important topic with uh this uh respected community inshallah

[5:33]for part two uh we'll be talking about marital gender roles and

[5:40]again today's topic will push you out of your comfort zone and

[5:46]discuss things that are are generally not discussed in the muslim community

[5:50]and so if there is something that you do does not sit

[5:53]right with you does not feel okay um then that's actually a

[5:59]sign of growth and a sign of expanding knowledge and so take

[6:02]whatever does not sit right with you and evaluate and learn more

[6:07]about it on your own terms again everything that i discuss is

[6:11]from an islamic perspective not from my personal opinion and so i

[6:16]look forward to having these discussions so we're going to start with

[6:23]the definition of marriage um because it's important for us to bring

[6:25]into context as to what we are defining when we talk about

[6:31]marriage and so throughout history marriage is what actually played a fundamental

[6:35]role in creating a society and and developing it and providing a

[6:40]structure because a lot of the principles a lot of what culture

[6:43]is is defined in marriage and actually grown as the marriages expand

[6:50]and so the criteria of marriage however has shifted and changed and

[6:55]so we see how many different marriages there was in the past

[6:59]and how marriage was actually um regarded um such as polygamy being

[7:03]accepted within communities and within marriage while now we see a difference

[7:08]in how marriage is uh has a different definition really the role

[7:13]of marriage is is this four things it's it's that marriage number

[7:17]one regulates um sexual behavior it fulfills economic needs of the marriage

[7:22]partner and so for this it actually provides um the partner with

[7:28]a house with food with structure and so if you are married

[7:32]you expect that you're going to be living within a home you're

[7:37]going to be living comfortably um you're going to have a form

[7:41]of transportation you expect that a lot of things are unclear as

[7:44]to where you're going to reside after your parents house will be

[7:47]uh found and will be met and so that's a very critical

[7:51]part of marriage the second one the third one is actually about

[7:54]kinship groups and inheritance and so we know that after the parents

[8:00]die you at least know where the inheritance is going to the

[8:04]children or if the husband or the wife dies then you again

[8:06]you know where their belongings are going and where it's supposed to

[8:10]go so it regulates inheritance the last one about the roles is

[8:15]that marriage actually provides an institution for children to grow and to

[8:19]learn so most of us found islam because our parents are muslim

[8:23]we never reverted however a lot of the times um it's the

[8:29]structure of the family that actually like decides and entails where this

[8:35]child will grow and how this child will actually uh engage with

[8:38]society with who he meets with who he communicates and so so

[8:43]marriage actually provides that platform for children now we know though that

[8:49]within the contemporary society within this civilization marriage now needs to be

[8:54]all of these four but it also needs to be that he's

[8:55]your best friend or that she's your best friend so we've actually

[8:59]added within society's definition of marriage to make the spouse um a

[9:07]friend that's more than just a means of economic and social uh

[9:10]needs it actually now entails you being comfortable you being in a

[9:14]loving nurturing relationship which it rightfully should um but this is just

[9:20]a reflection of how marriage has actually changed through time as the

[9:23]concept of a best friend a husband or as a wife was

[9:26]not um what we would see in in old forms of marriages

[9:33]within the centuries we are going to be discussing a chronic view

[9:37]of marriage so that we can actually uh break down a lot

[9:42]of misconceptions about marriages a lot of the times uh people will

[9:46]ask me as to why their why islam is such a quote-unquote

[9:50]respectable uh religion that provides us with a platform for marriage and

[9:58]for love when in reality a lot of the marriages right now

[10:00]in our society are failing and a lot of it is actually

[10:04]not where it's supposed to be and so what we need to

[10:09]first deconstruct is we need to break down whether or not these

[10:11]issues within the marriage are cultural or are they actually islamic is

[10:15]it islam that entails that these uh marriages are not successful or

[10:19]is it culture and and your view of the marriage that's actually

[10:23]breaking it down and so we're going to first start by actually

[10:27]seeing how the quran describes marriage in order for us to understand

[10:31]where the problem actually arises and so of course the quran speaks

[10:38]about marriage in such a gentle and kind and loving manner and

[10:41]you have to bring it into perspective that when the quran was

[10:46]discussed when these verses were discussed they were discussed in a time

[10:50]where females as we said last week were actually considered as animals

[10:53]they were not considered as a full human being and so bringing

[10:57]that into perspective all of a sudden you know your spouse is

[10:59]actually equal to and your spouse is actually supposed to be someone

[11:02]that you give love and nurturing and care for and you actually

[11:06]have roles and responsibilities to them this changed the game um within

[11:13]the communities um and it's unfortunate that we don't see it enough

[11:16]however the quran of course says this very beautiful verse and of

[11:21]his signs he has these that he's created you from yourselves mates

[11:25]and that you find tranquility in them and he placed between love

[11:30]and mercy indeed and that are the signs for our people who

[11:35]give thoughts and so some key factors within this verse is that

[11:40]we first see that he says that from each man he created

[11:44]someone as a partner and so we have trust in god that

[11:47]god actually knows that this person that's in my life is actually

[11:51]good for me it has the potential to be great for me

[11:54]and then we say that he that allah actually placed between us

[11:58]allah is making it as um an oath he's pledging here he's

[12:03]saying i i placed i've done this and so we should of

[12:05]course trust that allah has actually placed something within us known as

[12:11]love and mercy and when we discuss love and mercy god actually

[12:16]here chose to choose the word he didn't say hope he didn't

[12:26]say love as in hope he said and these key arabic terminologies

[12:31]is so important because muwatta actually refers to the concept of actually

[12:35]physically and verbally expressing your allegiance in love and so while hope

[12:42]is actually the idea of being in love and the feeling of

[12:46]being in love what that is actually a practical manner of expressing

[12:50]that love and so this key idea that god is now saying

[12:56]that he placed between us a form of actually expressing love and

[13:01]mercy and mercy is so important within our marriage because all of

[13:04]us of course growing all of us need to reach to our

[13:08]potential that's the purpose of this earth that's the purpose of this

[13:11]life and so in order for us to actually be there we

[13:13]need that mercy from our spouse to be able to forgive us

[13:17]for our shortcomings and for us to be able to forgive them

[13:19]for their wrongdoings when it they rightfully deserve it and so these

[13:25]two important things um that god has actually summarized within our marriage

[13:29]is so profound and so important for us to reflect upon and

[13:34]i love that he actually concluded this verse that allah was so

[13:37]wise to say that he concluded this verse that it's a sign

[13:41]for those who actually want to think about it and that's truly

[13:45]it is that if we were to reflect about these verses we'll

[13:49]see the signs within themselves and would see that the amount of

[13:53]tranquility we can actually provide ourselves and our spouses with them and

[13:58]so i'm actually going to just be discussing some marital uh of

[14:02]hadith in order for us to again bring into perspective what islam

[14:07]talks about when they talk about marriage and so one who marries

[14:10]has already guarded half of his religion therefore he should fear allah

[14:14]for the other half this is so important because a lot of

[14:18]the times when we strive to become better we are trying to

[14:22]say okay what is left for me to do what should i

[14:26]do now maybe i should wear the ship maybe i should fix

[14:28]my fasting maybe i should fix my prayer well god he is

[14:32]already telling you if you're single if you haven't been married then

[14:34]something that you have to achieve in order to achieve um this

[14:38]half of your religion is actually to get married and so this

[14:42]is something that every single muslim if they are able to if

[14:45]they have the potential with the correct spouse is to actually see

[14:50]um to actually guard the religion through that other half and then

[14:56]of course for you to actually fear about the other religions so

[14:58]not to sit back and say you know i already got married

[15:00]i should be good i should be able to get to heaven

[15:02]of course now you have the other option where the other side

[15:07]of it where now you actually have to fear for other things

[15:09]that will attack and affect you and your marriage such as jealousy

[15:13]such as envy such as hatred such as being unforgiving these certain

[15:17]characteristics that now come up uh within the when you get married

[15:22]that maybe you never expected to regard prayed by a married person

[15:27]are better than the night visual in the fast of a single

[15:31]person so again this stress on the importance of marriage give a

[15:35]spouse to your single ones because allah makes their morality better so

[15:42]he improves our morality and he expands their sustenance increases their generosity

[15:46]so something so important is that when our spouse is actually living

[15:54]with us practically 24 7 in in covet time um they're able

[15:56]to see our wrongdoings in our shortcomings and it can be extremely

[16:01]difficult and uncomfortable for them to actually call us out for it

[16:04]while while it can be difficult if it's done in the correct

[16:08]manner in the respectable manner in a manner that does not dehumanize

[16:12]and you know make the person feel uncomfortable then there is a

[16:18]growth there is a potential for that actually to benefit and aid

[16:21]the individual and so it's so important that when allah says through

[16:26]prophet muhammad that the morality becomes better it's because you know that

[16:32]if this person is a god-fearing individual then you they pretty much

[16:36]have your back they're always going to be looking out for you

[16:38]to be doing the best that you can to and in terms

[16:43]of sustenance and generosity subhanallah we know that nothing of our risk

[16:49]nothing of our wealth comes from any sustenance other than god himself

[16:52]and so god is entrusting us saying to us that if you

[16:57]get married i will provide for you i will provide you for

[16:59]to live on and to go forward and so it's about having

[17:02]that right intention and about doing it of course correctly mary because

[17:08]marriage is the tradition of the prophet the prophet said whoever likes

[17:11]uh to follow my traditions then he should know that marriage is

[17:15]for my tradition this is so important because a lot of the

[17:18]times when we talk about what the prophet likes and what the

[17:21]prophet doesn't like such as the prophet liking the correct veil and

[17:25]such as the prophet disliking music and disliking alcohol or physical contact

[17:29]with the non-muharram these are important things that we should integrate into

[17:35]our life and just by merely living a life in which we

[17:38]see will this make the prophet happier will this make the prophet

[17:44]displeased that is sufficient for me to actually know if i'm on

[17:47]the right path we always question am i doing enough am i

[17:49]doing the right things well then question yourself are you actually doing

[17:53]that which pleases god or are you not are you on that

[17:59]right path and so the quranic text then says that there are

[18:03]garments for you and you are garments for thumb and it could

[18:08]be understood that when we clothe ourself when we decide what we

[18:12]are going to wear and when we purchase clothing we try and

[18:15]purchase the clothing that actually represents our identity and so we try

[18:19]and maybe purchase clothing that is modest that is chest that provides

[18:25]this elevation that does not um transcend a negative idea or thought

[18:29]or reflection of who we are and so that's what's important is

[18:34]we actually take in consideration when we wear certain clothes um someone's

[18:38]not going to be wearing clothing that's inappropriate um and expect for

[18:42]people to see him in a classy and in a modest manner

[18:47]and so when we talk about clothing and god is saying that

[18:52]you are garments for them and they are garments for you your

[18:54]husband or your or your wife is practically now becoming your representation

[18:59]within communities within societies and so the way that you would like

[19:04]to take care of your clothing the way you take care of

[19:07]your appearance similarly you should take care of how your husband or

[19:10]your spouse's appearance is within the community and how your appearance is

[19:13]because that ultimately affects them and when god puts a definition as

[19:19]to which type of garment is the best when he consults uh

[19:24]prophet he says that the clothing of piety that is better and

[19:31]so when we want to clothe ourself we should reflect is this

[19:35]clothing that of a god-fearing clothing is this clothing that which elevates

[19:40]my standards in front of god or is it a clothing that

[19:45]displeases god and his prophet so again we go back to this

[19:46]concept and when we are wearing it within the idea of taqwa

[19:52]within a god-fearing manner you are you can be sure that you

[19:58]are doing the right thing and that your spouse will be wearing

[20:02]the right clothing and the right appearance in front of society and

[20:05]that you are as well representing and reflecting the same appearance towards

[20:12]them and so going now to what the roles of marriage is

[20:16]and what is considered um this is just a general because of

[20:20]course the concept of marriage is so uh until so much um

[20:26]there could be countless amounts of lectures and discussions on the concept

[20:29]of marriage and so i'm going to be talking of course in

[20:32]a general manner however i will be going directly to discuss about

[20:38]the females rights within a marriage um so of the husband's uh

[20:43]related roles is that he has to provide financial emotional and basic

[20:47]necessities to the female that's his that's his role that's his that's

[20:49]a must um islam considers marriage as sacred it's a it's a

[20:57]divine unionship when you get married you're ultimately fulfilling something that pleases

[21:00]god in it and it's considered as as sacred because there's this

[21:04]um this essence to it that's only shared between the husband and

[21:10]the wife there's and god of course and even when we see

[21:14]of the rituals and of the recommendations on the first night of

[21:17]marriage much of it is actually something that deals with god such

[21:22]as reciting uh certain prayers and such as actually performing a torah

[21:27]prayer and so this beautiful idea that marriage is sacred and i

[21:34]need to take care of it like i would take care of

[21:36]my prayer and i would take care of my fasting is essential

[21:38]because a lot of the times now marriage is seen as in

[21:43]a commodity it's something i need to fulfill so that society's standards

[21:46]of me can be raised when in reality there's so much more

[21:50]importance to it marriage within an islamic context actually encourages the husband

[21:57]to frequently say i love you to the woman he encourages the

[21:59]husband to show uh emotional and physical contact to the female um

[22:06]so within a marriage as well women can actually ask for payment

[22:10]for chores such as breastfeeding and caretaking women actually must consent to

[22:17]first getting married and they of course are the dowry is rightfully

[22:22]theirs and as we've discussed marriage is actually asked to be of

[22:26]love and mercy it's asked to always try and place these two

[22:31]traits in your relationship and encourages the spouse to be the best

[22:35]appearance of the other and the if we were to talk about

[22:40]the paradigm of the relationship of a marriage when a husband gets

[22:46]married now he has the role of actually after god of course

[22:49]of actually taking care of his parent his family especially if he's

[22:53]the first born then taking care of his parent and then his

[22:57]and his wife so he has that role of a parent and

[23:01]wife while if we were to talk about the female after god

[23:04]the female actually only has responsibilities to her husband she doesn't have

[23:10]any responsibilities to her parents of course if there's no one else

[23:15]there's no sons there's no male figures within the family um the

[23:18]discussion of course will change but after god the main role of

[23:24]a female is actually her husband ideally unless her unless her parents

[23:27]are extremely poor but that's her that's her role is her husband

[23:32]and so providing to him and so we see the difference in

[23:36]how how islam actually categorizes responsibilities so male and female rights and

[23:43]from the rights of a male and from the rights of a

[23:48]female we're going to interpret their respective rule so if we were

[23:52]to break down what is the role of a female what is

[23:55]the role of a male well first we need to see what

[23:58]did god provide them as a right what is rightfully theirs what

[24:04]is inherently theirs as we discussed last week the individual has an

[24:08]inherent right from god and he has that natural right from god

[24:13]and so when we discuss these rights then we can actually decipher

[24:19]okay understanding these rights actually brings its reflective what is my role

[24:22]within the community within my husband within my marriage what is his

[24:26]role and so this um is what allows us to expand and

[24:30]um again a lot of these will push boundaries i will be

[24:35]discussing things that are kind of controversial and against the feminist feminism

[24:42]perspective um so again it's i kindly request that you see it

[24:48]within the islamic ideology and so some of the rights are permissible

[24:54]but they're not obligatory and i will be describing i will be

[24:58]discussing this further it is important as well to understand that when

[25:04]god plays these rights he plays them because he knows where to

[25:11]place jew rights and because he provides everyone through equity he provides

[25:17]us equality of course but it's through equity then we know that

[25:22]these rights are actually ours because god has proclaimed and decided that

[25:28]this is what the female needs in order to reach to her

[25:30]perfection and this is what the male needs in order to reach

[25:33]to his perfection and that's so that both parties can actually perform

[25:37]their respective role perfectly so of the rights of the mail we

[25:45]see that islam actually encourages the husband to be the leader within

[25:49]every single social gathering islam actually recommends that that relationship actually places

[25:56]someone as the leader and so say that there's two friends even

[25:59]within two friends it's actually recommended in islam to place someone as

[26:05]a leader so that if a decision has to be made then

[26:08]we have some you know a sense of ease there is someone

[26:11]that can make that final decision and of course when we discuss

[26:15]a leader in leadership roles that means that this person is actually

[26:18]taking the role as a leader he's taking that role of being

[26:24]actively listening to the female uh partner to the children to the

[26:28]family in laws he's he's he's understanding that he has to actually

[26:32]take in every single person's opinion he has to make sure that

[26:35]this is the best outcome for the situation that it meets society's

[26:40]needs that he's not actually removing any um rights from the child

[26:44]and he's not putting that child in or that wife in a

[26:50]position that's uncomfortable if this leader is actually acting as a rightful

[26:54]king of the family then there's no problem in him actually being

[27:00]the leader and actually us encouraging that our husbands are actually the

[27:04]leader honestly putting your husband as a leader especially if he knows

[27:09]that you're putting all this pressure on him that he has to

[27:12]make the right decision places so much rest on the female shoulders

[27:14]because it's removed a lot of stress that really the female has

[27:20]other things to stress on other things to focus on and so

[27:23]this is actually such a great opportunity for the male to focus

[27:26]on and it provides this sense of ease that if something were

[27:31]to go wrong you know we've actually already communicated um the possibilities

[27:36]of what can go wrong and as the leader he decided that

[27:38]this was best because of the agreements of the of the people

[27:43]the the parties uh being uh in the same scope and so

[27:51]it provides a lot of ease to the relationship truly all of

[27:55]the financial responsibility every single portion of the financial responsibility is actually

[27:59]placed on the husband he's responsible to provide food he's responsible to

[28:05]fight shelter he's provide he has to provide all of it clothing

[28:07]now what determines the standard is where the question actually um arises

[28:15]we know so many narrations that if a male were to marry

[28:19]a female that's of a higher ranking than him then that female

[28:24]actually has to agree to either go down to the ranking of

[28:28]his or that he actually provides her to that same ranking and

[28:31]so this is something that's so critical to actually happen before you

[28:35]get married that the male is actually open and honest if you

[28:39]know that this female that you're going to get married to loves

[28:42]shopping and loves purchasing extra items in excessive amounts then there needs

[28:47]to be this communication between you that tells her you know i

[28:52]can only provide you this certain amount of allowance per month these

[28:55]are the certain amounts of clothing that you can wear etc it

[29:02]provides structure um responsibility for the child's um sustenance is actually until

[29:08]the age of puberty however we know that right now in our

[29:13]societies females do not get married anymore at the age of puberty

[29:15]or you know at a young age they get married much later

[29:18]than that 10 15 years after puberty and so that child's responsibility

[29:24]so long that they're actually so under the families the father's house

[29:28]the father's roof then that child is actually the father's responsibility and

[29:34]as such as sustenance um and so when we talk about why

[29:42]the male receives a a larger sum of inheritance than the female

[29:44]so let's say that you know you have a you have a

[29:48]sister um a male has there's a male and a sis and

[29:53]a female and they have parents um the larger sum of the

[29:55]father's inheritance will go to the male not to the female does

[29:59]that mean that islam is unfair does that mean that islam is

[30:03]a misogynistic religion a religion that only focuses on males of course

[30:08]not it's providing the rights of the male because the rights of

[30:11]the male is that he provides for his family therefore he actually

[30:14]deserves a higher amount of inheritance so that he can provide for

[30:21]this family it it really makes sense the father the husband here

[30:26]needs to of course provide marital relationship to the wife at least

[30:30]once every four months it's mandatory on him the female can actually

[30:35]go and ask for divorce if he doesn't provide it after four

[30:37]months like she can ask um for for something to happen for

[30:41]something to occur within of course an islamic government um if she

[30:47]may perform something haram uh as in she has such desires and

[30:55]she may perform something haram then it's actually of the obligation of

[30:58]the male to provide her with that physical relationship so that she

[31:03]doesn't actually perform anything hara it provides males with the custody after

[31:09]divorce this is very controversial within our community um and it's it's

[31:15]it's a huge topic however if we were to look under the

[31:20]islamic perspective that the male is the one that's responsible for the

[31:26]finance and for the sustenance of the children the female as we

[31:31]will discuss shortly has no role in finance she has no role

[31:36]in actually making money she has no obligation in actually making money

[31:41]it's obligatory on the mail to make money and to provide for

[31:43]the family the female has other roles to focus on and so

[31:47]if we were to just decipher that whose role is it to

[31:51]actually provide and to to gain that financial sustenance it's the mail

[31:55]therefore islam actually provided custody for the children after a certain age

[32:00]for male and female to the father because that's his role in

[32:05]providing finance and sustenance it's not the females role and so if

[32:09]allah were to provide it that the children are the custody of

[32:14]the female then that means that it's now obligatory on the female

[32:16]to actually go and work and to go and provide financial sustenance

[32:19]however god did not do that he decided that the males are

[32:24]the ones are eligible and and capable to actually perform those uh

[32:29]outside roles and while the female has other things that she must

[32:34]look after of course what's happening in our community nowadays where the

[32:39]male has full custody and he bans his wife from not seeing

[32:44]um the children that's inhumane and unislamic and unethical that's unacceptable in

[32:50]our community um the idea that the female cannot contribute even if

[32:55]after divorce cannot contribute whatsoever to her children afterwards is unethical and

[32:59]un unreasonable and if the individual um is doing actions like that

[33:04]that's not under an islamic context that's under him actually not fearing

[33:08]god and not fearing the consequences of that because his children are

[33:13]in need of the mother they are in need of that female

[33:16]figure within their life and if he is actually removing it completely

[33:20]from their lives then he is doing something haram then he is

[33:24]actually performing a different form of sin he's performing something outside of

[33:28]the idea of of of what it may be um and so

[33:33]this is extremely critical for us to to understand that although it

[33:38]is the male's a right uh for his children is custody after

[33:44]divorce that does not allow him to have full custody of a

[33:48]child to the extent that he makes the children hate his their

[33:51]mother and makes them actually not even know their mother anymore that's

[33:55]a siletra the children have an obligation to actually see and talk

[33:59]with their mother and actually have obligatory practices towards their mother is

[34:03]something we have to extremely take care of who are ourselves and

[34:07]if the father is actually removing that from the context then he's

[34:10]performing something haram and is unacceptable in our community that does not

[34:15]mean that islam is unacceptable does not mean that islam actually prefers

[34:18]men it just means they provide us with a platform so the

[34:21]females can do their female roles and that the males can do

[34:24]their male roles such as the male's role as actually providing finance

[34:29]and sustenance and so we also see that there's an option for

[34:33]the men to marry up to four wives i'm not talking from

[34:38]my personal opinion here this is only merely islam this is important

[34:43]within within certain circumstances that the man actually marries more than one

[34:49]wife such as um we've reached to a point where war is

[34:53]actually uh occurring a lot of females are without a husband there's

[34:58]a lot of men that have died within the war um there's

[35:00]a lot of widows there's a lot of females actually need to

[35:03]be taken care of um there's a lot um someone's uh divorced

[35:08]and unable to marry and she's not seeing a reasonable spouse there's

[35:14]certain circumstances that marrying another wife is actually recommended may become obligatory

[35:21]who knows but there's certain circumstances where marrying another wife is actually

[35:26]something that should be encouraged and allowed in our society and should

[35:30]not be shunned um just because a woman woman became widowed at

[35:34]a young age does that mean she can never ever marry again

[35:37]and let's say if she um cannot find a spouse who is

[35:41]a single she can only she only found a reasonable spouse um

[35:45]that is married does that mean that she doesn't have the right

[35:47]to actually get married to him if in islam it's of his

[35:51]rights that he does get married to more than four wives um

[35:54]however the other side of it if this man is going to

[35:59]get married to another wife and he knows that his wife is

[36:02]extremely jealous he knows that his wife will not accept this he

[36:05]knows that this will actually hurt the family he knows that this

[36:08]cannot he cannot financially sustain two wives and to household incomes because

[36:14]now of course he has to provide each wife um with the

[36:17]income if he knows that marrying a second wife is going to

[36:22]impact and jeopardize their family then again the question then becomes um

[36:27]is that actually ethical is that actually is that haram i'm not

[36:31]going into those details i'm just trying to question controversial topics within

[36:36]our community um because a woman that married a married man should

[36:41]not be shunned and a man that decided to marry more than

[36:44]one what more than several wives should not be shunned and does

[36:48]at the same time a female that believes that it's not um

[36:52]practical um for their marriage that should be discussed that should be

[36:58]conversed if it's merely out of jealousy and out of anger then

[37:02]again that's something that allah in islam actually tells us to remove

[37:07]from ourselves and to remove out of our lives um because jealousy

[37:12]for our female is actually kufur and of course that doesn't mean

[37:17]like if a little bit of jealousy that that means you're um

[37:19]that means you're not believing in god but that means that to

[37:22]a certain extent jealousy can actually become very detrimental to a female

[37:26]and it's something that should be conscious cautioned while for the male

[37:30]jealousy towards his wife is actually something that's obligatory and actually something

[37:32]that's recommended um so we really cannot um disregard the idea of

[37:40]polygamous marriage in our community because this is actually something that's of

[37:45]the right of the male to perform and um it's not an

[37:52]easy topic it's not something that's that's that can be easily accepted

[37:56]it's something that will hurt if it occurs um but it does

[38:00]not mean that islam is something again that's misogynistic that that is

[38:04]uh that's painted in a bad way because it allows polygamous marriage

[38:09]yes islam allows forgiveness marriage however within reason within an idea and

[38:13]within certain criteria and so if these criterias are met it should

[38:17]be respected that this is a right of the mail and of

[38:23]your religion um and so again the last one is that it

[38:25]provides the male authority to divorce his wife he is allowed to

[38:29]divorce his wife uh the female cannot say like uh and at

[38:31]the luck duck i divorced you and just walk away it's the

[38:35]male that has to do it within two witnesses within uh within

[38:37]et cetera there's a certain criteria um but it's the male that

[38:43]actually decides if the relationship is over now to inshallah talk about

[38:48]the females rights and so within a female perspective it actually mandates

[38:53]that her husband um it's of of the responsibilities and the roles

[39:01]of the female there's actually two so number one she always has

[39:04]to be available for her husband um for uh physical intimacy and

[39:10]so that means that if she's always available to the extent that

[39:16]say right now it's jabin and someone wanted to actually fast um

[39:19]just fast out of you know love for god they don't have

[39:25]a kada they're not doing it to um as depth for old

[39:27]fasting they're just doing it merely because um they want to it's

[39:32]15 of shaban and they want to serve god and obey god

[39:34]it's actually mandatory you in in that case actually take the permission

[39:38]of your husband if you can fast because if you've asked ultimately

[39:43]it means you can't uh engage in any um intercourse and so

[39:46]if you what if the husband actually wanted it what if the

[39:51]husband actually had different uh means and so it's important that actually

[39:55]um we see these um of the rights of the husband from

[39:59]the female perspective something else is that if she were to leave

[40:02]the house she actually has to take his permission so that's one

[40:07]of the other things that is mandatory for the female to do

[40:12]um and so let's say you know your husband actually uh has

[40:15]uh ultimatum you have you're always allowed to go out around the

[40:21]community you of course if you want to go somewhere that's far

[40:23]away that's an hour away then you have to ask for my

[40:26]permission but other than that you're not required to that means that

[40:29]you know he's actually allowed her um the leeway to leave the

[40:33]house whenever she wants within certain criteria but these are the two

[40:40]um fundamental uh rules that a female must uh uh obey within

[40:43]a third martial relationship just going back to the first one if

[40:48]the female is sick or if she knows that she is unable

[40:52]to provide it um because it will hurt her or um it's

[40:59]just um they're living in a house with too many people it's

[41:02]just unpractical then she is allowed to say no but in every

[41:06]other circumstance that means that the female actually needs to be okay

[41:09]with it even um in cases where her husband wants it and

[41:13]maybe she doesn't um in society right now this is a huge

[41:18]topic within feminism because feminism completely disregards this and they discuss this

[41:23]as something that's extremely um unrightful that the male [Music] asks for

[41:32]intercourse and say the female does not feel like it and so

[41:34]where where's the lines here is the female allowed to say no

[41:39]if females have to say yes i'm not getting into this all

[41:41]i'm saying from an islamic perspective is that the female must agree

[41:46]if the criteria meets up and there are reasons for this there

[41:50]are psychological and social reasons as to why islam has actually mandated

[41:55]that the females is available and so it's important that we do

[42:00]not lash out on islam for having such a criteria but rather

[42:02]appreciate and learn why your religion makes such an obligation on females

[42:09]uh something else uh moving forward is that encourages females to be

[42:15]the home caregiver now when i say encourages i mean it i

[42:19]it did not obligate the female to be a home caregiver it

[42:23]never once said it's of the obligations of a female to actually

[42:27]provide cook and clean etc no it actually just encourages it there's

[42:35]countless verses and narrations that actually encourage the female to perform these

[42:39]roles to breastfeed to take care of the child um in certain

[42:44]criterias for it as well as to how much should be available

[42:48]to your child and in what ages there's so much emphasis on

[42:55]the importance of a mother performing her roles as a mother that

[42:59]it makes sense that this is the role for her to take

[43:04]on if the male's role is that he has to provide financial

[43:07]income and the females role is that she does not need to

[43:10]provide financial income then who's taking taking care of the house if

[43:14]the female decides you know i'm just going to leave everything and

[43:17]i'm going to go take care i'm going to go work i'm

[43:19]going to go fulfill my dreams then who's taking care of the

[43:23]house who's taking care of of the necessities of the home that

[43:25]does not mean that the female cannot work and educate i'm a

[43:33]full-time self-employee i work countless hours at the same time i'm a

[43:37]full-time university student at the same time i'm a two-year-old mother and

[43:40]i'm a wife and i pro and i'm always seeing my family

[43:43]i'm always active with my friends there's a lot on my plate

[43:49]me emphasizing my role as a caregiver means that i'm doing it

[43:53]within a certain criteria that me and my husband are comfortable with

[43:57]that means maybe there's going to be a bit of clutter maybe

[44:00]i can't do the dishes in the morning i have to do

[44:02]them all at one time in the day there's certain things that

[44:06]you can come into agreement with your husband that you will do

[44:09]um but it just means that these roles are actually just taken

[44:14]care of they're just met islam is not black and white you're

[44:16]allowed for the husband to be studying and you working if that's

[44:21]what's actually required from you if there's more benefit to this islam

[44:24]is not black and white um but it just encourages when we

[44:28]look at the narration that says um that mother's under the mother's

[44:34]feet is heaven you know like if you want paradise and it's

[44:38]at your mother's feet my question here becomes the wording is mother

[44:43]therefore is it all mother's feet that that have just became just

[44:48]because i gave birth to a child does that um credit me

[44:52]to have heaven under my feet of course not hell can become

[44:56]under my feet honestly if i do not take care of making

[44:59]sure that heaven actually resides within the family within paradise is actually

[45:03]a context in the family then heaven will not lie under the

[45:07]mother's feet it will be something else that lies there and so

[45:11]it's important that we as mothers emphasize this idea that we first

[45:15]must become mothers that rightfully deserve to go to heaven in order

[45:21]for heaven to be under our feet and it's this terminology as

[45:26]mothers because the mother's role is extremely difficult inshallah next week i

[45:31]will be discussing this being a mother is is the hardest thing

[45:34]any female can do it is not easy to make this conscious

[45:38]decision to sacrifice your education in your ability to uh unfortunately under

[45:45]society's standards to grow and to financially become stable um just for

[45:50]a child which of course does not say thank you rather just

[45:55]gives you messy kisses uh or tantrums and it's difficult i understand

[46:01]um but if we were to look at the narrations that of

[46:04]when a woman is pregnant or when a woman is married it

[46:07]makes sense that the mother actually takes that role as a caregiver

[46:11]out of her respect and honor to her husband into her family

[46:18]and so the third one that i'd like to discuss is that

[46:23]it provides uh verdicts the verdicts of the male are in place

[46:26]so that the female can be nurtured and taken care of they

[46:32]are what they are the the ideas that the male must work

[46:35]the idea that the male must always be outside of the house

[46:39]performing things while the females in the house it's so that there

[46:42]is this ying in yen so that when the male is tired

[46:46]he can come home and find rest within uh by his wife's

[46:50]side he can find that gentle that calmness that he would like

[46:54]from his wife and so it provides this idea that the male

[47:00]is actually nurturing you so that you can be able to nurture

[47:05]him so that you can be able to provide him of course

[47:07]a lot of the times in our society now men are not

[47:11]merciful men expect un like ridiculous expectations they they want the perfect

[47:16]wife at the perfect mom the perfect everything it's not like that

[47:19]the female needs to work on actually growing uh finding a hobby

[47:23]finding something that she loves in order for her to fulfilled but

[47:28]at the same time she needs to make sure that other responsibilities

[47:30]are taken care of and fulfilled within islam every financial earning that

[47:37]the female makes is actually hers if she wants to give it

[47:41]to her husband then she's practically donating it to the family but

[47:45]all financial earnings are hers and it demands that the is actually

[47:51]given to her and she can of course decide when she wants

[47:55]a dowry if she wants it now if she wants it uh

[47:57]like if they were to get divorced if she wants it when

[48:00]her husband actually accumulates the amount that she wants um like let's

[48:05]say she knows her husband uh when they were getting married he

[48:08]doesn't have ten thousand dollars in the bank account and that's the

[48:12]dowry that she wants um then she's allowed to tell them you

[48:14]know once you become financially stable then that's when i would like

[48:20]you to actually provide me um this dowry um it inheritance is

[48:24]given to the female within shia islam and the last one is

[48:30]that the females position is in high ranking in the eyes of

[48:37]god and heaven truly lies at the feet of the mother as

[48:39]we said but that does not mean that all mother's feet have

[48:44]heaven lying there and so if we were to give an example

[48:49]of uh prophet muhammad and when he decided to actually give um

[48:54]say the father to zara someone to take care of the house

[48:58]and the caregiver when prophet muhammad decided that it was a good

[49:02]time to actually hire fidya to serve the imam and serve say

[49:05]the fatimid he did so at a time where caregiving such as

[49:10]getting a woman to to caregive in the house um became normalized

[49:17]in society after it was normalized within that society he demanded that

[49:23]fit that takes a day like she works one day and then

[49:27]the next day say the ultimate assad and they alternate on who

[49:33]rests and so that means that this allows to still be that

[49:36]mother to still take care of her children but at the same

[49:40]time it allows her to prioritize worship worshiping allah and prioritize a

[49:44]day in which she actually fulfills again this idea of of growing

[49:49]what she believes is of her benefit which is worshipping god and

[49:56]so they alternated they provide this caregiver with a day off um

[50:00]every other day off and likewise we say the father and so

[50:04]there's a lot to learn from this story moving forward with quranic

[50:10]text it's that um and do not covet that by which allah

[50:15]has made some of you excel others for the men there is

[50:18]a share of what they have earned and for the woman there

[50:19]is a share of what they have earned and ask allah of

[50:24]his virtue surely allah is all-knowing so this beautiful verse asks females

[50:29]to not demand that in which is given to the men and

[50:33]for the males to not demand that in which are given to

[50:36]the females it's his right that's his as a male figure again

[50:39]your soul and your essence is one your roles in relationships in

[50:42]this earth is something else they're they're they're different they're contrasting and

[50:48]so only see it's within the boundaries of what your role as

[50:54]a female is and what his role as a male is don't

[50:55]ever look and be like you know what i wish i could

[50:58]have that will i wish i could fulfill it god is all-knowing

[51:02]and it's so beautiful again that god here wanted to remind us

[51:07]that i am all of knowing i know what's best for you

[51:09]and if you want to trust me then believe it when i

[51:14]tell you that this is what's best for you so we're going

[51:18]to be discussing the marriage contract and my apologies if this is

[51:25]a lot um on the on the viewers so a lot of

[51:29]the females rights is missed at the marriage contract our communities does

[51:34]not discuss the importance of writing a marriage contract enough it is

[51:39]such a taboo in our community for females to actually have a

[51:44]discussion with their male partner as to what their marriage contract is

[51:46]such as with wealthy people when they do a prenup you know

[51:50]so that they can safeguard you know they don't know what's gonna

[51:53]happen after a marriage similarly in islam you have all the rights

[51:56]to make your demands at the marriage contract and for the male

[52:02]to agree or to disagree those rights and so why do we

[52:04]not use this to our advantage why do we disregard the idea

[52:07]that we can actually place these rights and within the marriage contract

[52:13]um and it's truly her opportunity to make sure that she gets

[52:18]what's best for her and for her family um because when we

[52:24]discussed the dowry we said that um the dowry can be made

[52:28]you know at the beginning of the marriage whenever you see fits

[52:31]or at the end of a marriage unfortunately through a divorce um

[52:35]the dow represent like placing say five thousand dollars as a dowry

[52:42]price sometimes that can be extremely controversial as to why this female

[52:46]is placing that price and if she's only placing five thousand dollars

[52:48]then look how cheap she is she should have went up to

[52:51]fifteen or twenty thousand but at the same time if she did

[52:53]place five thousand dollars like what are you asking for like you

[52:55]actually want me to pay you to get married there should be

[52:59]nothing wrong with a female asking for money as a dowry this

[53:04]should actually be encouraged the female has necessities that she needs in

[53:09]order to actually be ready for the marriage let's say she just

[53:14]wanted to do some um some light uh dental surgery let's say

[53:18]she wanted to purchase a huge wardrobe uh what if her parents

[53:25]actually cannot provide financial uh sustenance to the child what if the

[53:28]what if the girl actually does not feel comfortable asking her parents

[53:32]for money and prefers to earn it a certain way or what

[53:35]if the girl actually wants to just save that money for something

[53:38]else in the future she hopes to buy a car with that

[53:44]money why is it so wrong that if the quran and if

[53:45]it and if islam practically tells us and and makes it mandatory

[53:50]for a dowry to be placed that we go and say that

[53:54]it's a taboo it's not right for a female to place money

[53:57]as as something as a dowry of course in through narrations the

[54:02]best of dowries is the one that's light the one that's a

[54:05]little the one that's acknowledging accommodating um those are the best of

[54:12]ones of course but again society and islam is not black and

[54:15]white every single female has different necessities some females get everything they

[54:19]need before marriage some females unfortunately don't and if they have that

[54:24]that necessity that maybe they want to close their uh uh university

[54:30]education or maybe they just need some support there should not be

[54:34]this taboo on something that allah has made um and allah has

[54:38]provided us with it's not a bright price it shouldn't be shamed

[54:43]like that it should be respected that this is what's best for

[54:47]the female and of course it should be not that you know

[54:49]your husband uh only has a salary of 50 000 a year

[54:52]he's has mortgage he has payments he has the wedding he has

[54:55]so much things on his back and due to coming and telling

[54:59]him you know i want a dowry of 40 000 um it's

[55:03]it's unpractical at the same time and so it has to be

[55:08]within the means that actually meet your husband's me if your husband's

[55:11]a millionaire okay ask whatever you see fit that's that's a different

[55:13]story um it's really case-by-case situation all i'm asking is that we

[55:19]just remove the taboo of of dowry of being money um remove

[55:24]that idea that that's something that's wrong and incorrect it's truly up

[55:28]to the girl as to what she sees the best i know

[55:32]in lebanese culture and tradition generally it's it's a quran the girl

[55:36]asks for a quran in the beginning of the marriage and unfortunately

[55:39]if the marriage does not work out right then she asks for

[55:43]a certain sum of the money at the end of her marriage

[55:45]of the divorce and inshallah if the guy is god fearing then

[55:50]he'll actually uh provide her with the assessments so as i discussed

[55:59]um with this uh we've already went through it and so when

[56:04]we discuss the marriage contract it's it's something that needs to be

[56:10]agreed upon by both parties a girl cannot go and place a

[56:14]marriage contract without the male actually agreeing on it likewise the male

[56:18]cannot do that on the female um placing these rules deciding to

[56:24]place these rules are not obligatory however if you place these rules

[56:28]then it becomes obligatory on you to actually fulfill these rules and

[56:32]for you to actually accommodate these roles and so what i actually

[56:40]recommend and again what's outside of the norm is that i actually

[56:43]recommend couples before they get married if you know someone that's going

[56:46]to get married um and when i mean married i mean katspiktev

[56:49]i mean um in lebanese culture we use the catholic tip for

[56:54]our engagement period so that we can become highly to each other

[56:56]um before we get married um maybe we stay like engaged for

[57:01]a year or two but at least that period of time uh

[57:04]we are that though the cat's big tip is actually the marriage

[57:07]contract that's the marriage itself you don't renew the marriage contract when

[57:12]you have your wedding day um you just move into the person

[57:16]move into the house um and so that marriage contract in which

[57:21]you become islamically uh married to that individual is what i'm talking

[57:26]about and the terminology is different within different cultures and so when

[57:33]you decide to islamically write your nikah you need to make sure

[57:37]that you know you're aware of these and that you have this

[57:43]difficult conversation with your potential spouse because this is ultimately going to

[57:48]ease up a lot of confusion in the future right now you

[57:50]guys are in the honeymoon phase everything looks lovely everything's flowery um

[57:55]the world is just dancing it's just beautiful um after the honeymoon

[58:01]phase things get real and so you want to make sure that

[58:04]you know allah if god forbid something actually happened you've put yourself

[58:10]in a position that you've protected your dignity and your and what's

[58:13]important to you what's essential to you and so what i actually

[58:17]recommend is that each couple talk within themselves they set a date

[58:20]you know 10 days from now we're going to meet up and

[58:25]we're actually you're going to come with a list of things and

[58:28]priorities that are important to you i'm going to come with a

[58:30]list of priorities are important to me and we're going to discuss

[58:34]these things we're going to talk about these potentially in the future

[58:37]what i also recommend is that you actually get someone else to

[58:39]sit with you maybe two or three other people and tell these

[58:42]people not to be opinionated but just to make sure it doesn't

[58:44]get heated just to make sure that you know um what if

[58:50]misunderstanding happens miscommunication because ultimately each person is going to be projecting

[58:54]what's happened in their parents life i'm going to project the troubles

[58:58]that happen in my parents life on my husband so i'm going

[59:01]to try and avoid those he's going to do the same so

[59:05]maybe we're not meeting at the same place so it's good to

[59:07]have a third or fourth person someone that's wise someone that's islamically

[59:12]wise god fearing that's able to actually provide you with some ideas

[59:16]you know this is good for you this is not good for

[59:21]you i actually uh i actually encourage this i i really discourage

[59:26]that etc and having a witness is also great because then you

[59:30]know that this individual cannot go back on their words and so

[59:35]some proposed rules that are important is that let's say that you

[59:40]need a household help and he's anti-household help and i'm talking from

[59:44]experience with with a lot of females as to what actually happens

[59:48]in their lives these are real stories um and real unfortunate things

[59:53]that happen within a lot of females lives let's say that you

[59:57]require household help um he doesn't want it you can actually make

[60:00]it as a ruling that if you have ability the financial ability

[60:05]to accommodate household help then that's something that i want to be

[60:07]able to do that's that's someone that i want to be able

[60:13]to hire um because i don't want to i cannot um physically

[60:15]um go after all of the household help at the same time

[60:20]um etc if you feel that your husband um you know you

[60:27]don't know him that well um upon meeting him you've only known

[60:31]him for a couple of months and you're worried that if he

[60:35]were to be able to dictate if the divorce were to end

[60:38]that maybe he won't be god fearing and actually uh divorce you

[60:43]if if if everything is on if all hell is loose really

[60:48]and so if it's in that certain situation you're actually allowed to

[60:54]actually ask a trusted scholar or individual and i recommend not making

[60:58]it someone like your father or his father making it someone that's

[61:02]outside of the party um someone that both of you guys really

[61:06]genuinely trust to actually have the authority to divorce you guys if

[61:12]things go bad because ultimately in islam it's the man that has

[61:16]to divorce the female and i know a lot of horrible stories

[61:19]of the man um leaving the female not god not being god

[61:24]fearing of course but leaving the female as married uh over a

[61:29]year and at this point she can't get married and at the

[61:32]same time he's not performing her obligation his obligations to her um

[61:36]so there are unfortunate uh situations that can arouse um however under

[61:42]this circumstance of course the man sometimes can feel like his manly

[61:46]hood is being stripped away from him or his rights are being

[61:49]stripped away from him so again it's important to acknowledge and accommodate

[61:54]that to make sure that your man is not being less of

[61:56]a man because of certain rights or rules that you're proposing really

[62:00]make sure that your female hood is is intact and in safeguarding

[62:05]and his male foot is safeguarded as well um the third one

[62:08]is like let's say he becomes violent with you so there's physical

[62:12]assault and you've told him to stop you told his parents that

[62:16]he's being physically uh violent with you and they are not doing

[62:19]anything and he doesn't want to divorce you so you're actually then

[62:25]allowed to say that if he's not going to change and if

[62:28]he keeps hitting you saying the situation then again this individual that

[62:33]we both trust is allowed to divorce us and so here you're

[62:40]safeguarding yourself from physical abuse and from him actually accelerating and just

[62:44]keeping you in a very very very uh vile relationship let's say

[62:49]he does drugs or alcohol and you don't know that about him

[62:52]you he does it secretly he did it secretly while you guys

[62:56]were engaged or he became addicted after you guys get married um

[63:00]that's something that you again you should ask someone respected to have

[63:04]the rights to divorce you guys if he does not seek medical

[63:09]help if you want to continue your job or you want to

[63:12]continue your studies you can make it of your rights that i

[63:16]am i of my rights within this marriage is that i actually

[63:18]continue to finish my phd that's something that you're fully eligible to

[63:22]do and if he agrees on it then it's something that he

[63:25]must uh perform um for the sixth one let's say you live

[63:31]in a different country um you're in a foreign country and so

[63:35]you make it of your marriage rights that if you guys have

[63:39]the financial ability then you're allowed to visit them annually um to

[63:44]go and see them of course again you have to be mindful

[63:47]of his finance of the lifestyle of the restrictions um that are

[63:53]in place so being mindful being empathetic is so critical when you're

[63:58]doing things like this it can't be all about me me me

[64:01]me uh it's a relationship it's a marriage you have someone else

[64:04]to look after so make sure it's also fulfilling their needs and

[64:07]it's also something that you're respecting their um their restrictions and limitations

[64:14]uh the last one you are allowed to ask for shared custody

[64:19]after divorce and so you are allowed to say that if we

[64:21]were to get divorced and i have a financial means let's say

[64:27]i have a huge inheritance from my father or let's say i

[64:30]actually have a good job that does not affect my motherly roles

[64:32]um if i have the financial means and i am able to

[64:37]also take care of my children then i want shared custody i

[64:40]want a type of divorce that actually respects you and respects me

[64:43]i don't want it to be messy and ugly um and this

[64:47]is so critical again because i know a lot of females um

[64:50]that were stripped away from their children because the males decided that

[64:56]that's something that they want to do they want to punish the

[64:58]mothers so the importance of the marriage contract is that allows you

[65:04]to discuss things that maybe you would never discuss until they actually

[65:08]happen you wouldn't discuss the issue of custody until it actually happens

[65:11]so it allows you guys to actually just have a platform of

[65:18]where to work from and it makes things a lot easier and

[65:22]it's important for you to realize again that the honeymoon stage is

[65:25]going to end this uh perfect image of a perfect man in

[65:29]front of you is going to end or the perfect female in

[65:32]front of you is going to end every single person has flaws

[65:37]and so this honeymoon stage will end are you safeguarding yourself at

[65:40]that point and are you actually providing this person with their rights

[65:45]as well uh the last slide that i would like to talk

[65:47]about is our expectations and when we talk about female roles as

[65:52]being a mother yes in islam it's actually not obligatory on her

[65:56]to perform these roles as in clean and cook and she's allowed

[66:01]to actually ask for money for as i stated um however if

[66:06]the man married you with the idea that this is how the

[66:10]society is the society here is that the female is actually one

[66:14]that's the caregiver which generally it is and especially in lebanese and

[66:18]iranian countries that's how the society is where the female is the

[66:23]caregiver let's say that he had that idea pictured in his head

[66:25]and you had that idea pictured in your head um and you

[66:28]got married then it actually becomes an obligatory obligation on you through

[66:33]a different angle throughout when then we um so it's not directly

[66:37]obligatory on you but because you guys came into the marriage believing

[66:39]these um then it becomes obligatory and so this is just something

[66:44]that you need to be cautious of and why i say that

[66:47]is again because if you were to actually do the marriage contract

[66:49]and you were to tell your husband that i believe it's important

[66:53]for me to study i believe it's important for me to continue

[66:57]my studies um for example when i got married i i ended

[67:01]my studies a bit early however i told my husband when we

[67:05]have the ability when it's okay for us i want to continue

[67:09]my studies it's something that i i want to do and we

[67:11]had agreed upon it um and so again having that conversation with

[67:15]that spouse is critical so that you can understand where your rights

[67:18]are and where your expectations are um etc so the prophet says

[67:27]no house has been built in islam more beloved in the sight

[67:29]of allah than through marriage and so of course we would like

[67:34]to respect allah's wishes and have that beautiful love here are my

[67:39]if you wanted to contact me feel free and sha allah and

[67:45]thank you very much for having me it's been a pleasure uh

[67:51]being on this platform and discussing this thank you so much i

[67:55]really enjoyed it and i i'm sure loads of people at home

[68:00]enjoyed it as well i love when you spoke about islam being

[68:03]uh emphasizing the gentle part of marriage and the difference between hob

[68:06]and mawada that was very interesting for me and i never thought

[68:11]of it in that way so we have one question if we

[68:14]have time to answer questions yes of course um so when we

[68:19]look at society we see a lot of problems within marriages within

[68:22]relationships because of the lack of communication i think you emphasize that

[68:27]a lot you said you know talk about these issues make sure

[68:30]you sit with your partner and talk about them but what advice

[68:32]would you give when actually actually having effective communication because some topics

[68:37]like you said are a bit difficult or in our societies they're

[68:42]not usually discussed so yeah what advice would you give to have

[68:47]that's a very beautiful question and it really goes back to my

[68:51]major and communication studies as well um where communication itself is something

[68:56]that's not uh very clear you can have a communication with someone

[69:00]you can think um you're actually going to be living in your

[69:02]head you know you're going to have this perception i'm going to

[69:06]be discussing this and this is how he's going to react and

[69:08]this is what i want from when in reality this other person

[69:14]is maybe a living uh something else maybe they have a trauma

[69:17]from the discussion that you have you're you're talking about from the

[69:21]concept that you're talking about maybe it triggers some anxiety maybe it

[69:25]triggers some nervousness within them and so a lot of the times

[69:28]when we discuss things with our spouse we see it within one

[69:32]perspective and we expect that this spouse has the same perspective that

[69:36]we're thinking about we don't think about maybe they have any childhood

[69:40]trauma within this subject or maybe there's something that triggers their irritation

[69:44]towards it um and so definitely being empathetic about um the criteria

[69:50]of like how does that make you feel how do you feel

[69:53]when i do something like this or when i say something like

[69:57]that and number two actually not going into a conversation with with

[70:01]expectations as to what they should reply and what they should say

[70:04]it's uh really unfair for us to project what kind of response

[70:10]we would want from them and so we should definitely try and

[70:12]not project that having a conversation um especially when it's something that's

[70:18]going to affect the manly hood of a man or the femininity

[70:20]of a female is is difficult such as the male telling her

[70:25]you know i want you to look more beautiful uh and that

[70:27]can just kind of hurt the female like what i'm taking on

[70:30]all these roles and you're seriously coming to tell me you want

[70:33]me to look more beautiful um or the male uh you know

[70:38]the female telling the male like i feel like you're not like

[70:42]you're not actually uh as uh manly like this individual i don't

[70:47]know like just giving an example or let's say the female telling

[70:51]him like i don't respect your job or your career and so

[70:53]she's attacking things that are within his essence and within what he's

[70:57]believed as his identity it's important for us to understand that certain

[71:02]topics are very sensitive and so treat it as such come at

[71:05]it in a different manner come at it in a manner that

[71:08]you know i see that you have talents as a writer however

[71:12]i feel that your talents as an accountant it's much better so

[71:17]maybe stay away from poetry um like just in a very very

[71:20]like safe manner so that he's like you're not just telling him

[71:23]like seriously you wrote that like that's like just amateur like like

[71:26]or just encouraging in a different manner um and and likewise for

[71:30]the for the male you know you want your wife to maybe

[71:34]wear certain things like or or dress a certain way maybe provide

[71:37]her with a fiance maybe maybe give her a hundred dollars and

[71:41]tell her this is a nice gift i want you to get

[71:42]your hair done i want you to do this and now you're

[71:46]encouraging her to do something without you actually telling her you know

[71:50]i feel like you could have been pretty or something like that

[71:53]and then the last um advice that i would give is actually

[71:58]sometimes some topics are not meant to be discussed between you guys

[72:01]between the couple sometimes you actually need a third person's help um

[72:05]sometimes there's someone that is better aided to have this conversation with

[72:11]your husband because he can have it through a male perspective in

[72:13]someone that you trust of course and likewise sometimes the male should

[72:17]actually refer to a female person and i wouldn't encourage a mothers

[72:23]or or or fathers unless um they're very um acknowledging because the

[72:27]mothers and fathers will see what's best for their children they're going

[72:31]to become that mama bear etc and so i encourage them actually

[72:36]seeing someone that maybe this person can help us figure out who

[72:42]uh where we need to fix in our relationship what is needed

[72:46]um and again just that idea of of uh miscommunication is so

[72:51]imp like it can kill a relationship really so just being um

[72:57]cautious that maybe this partner has a problem with this terminology um

[73:03]i'm not an arabic like i never learned arabic properly um when

[73:07]i was a kid i learned arabic as i grew up um

[73:10]my first language like was english and so arabic terminology some words

[73:15]for me seemed like they were like mocking me when in reality

[73:19]some lebanese words are just very sarcastic um and they just they're

[73:23]just literally that they're just sarcasm um so it's important to actually

[73:26]just study that like and just understand misconceptions thank you so much

[73:31]i think that's very beautiful i think also sometimes we're i mean

[73:36]this is even in like different relationships not necessarily in a marriage

[73:39]but you have this idea and you're like oh should i speak

[73:42]to them about this they're gonna say this they're gonna say that

[73:44]but then when you actually have the conversation it's completely different um

[73:48]and that links back to the idea that you said you might

[73:52]have this idea how they're going to react and then when they

[73:54]don't react a certain way it can be a bit difficult expectations

[73:59]you've of course so thank you for joining us and thank you

[74:20]everyone for watching and we'll see you next monday in china

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Femininity In Islam - Weekly Series - Sister Sahar Jaber

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Femininity In Islam - Weekly Series - Sister Sahar Jaber

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