Can a parent be too over-protective? | Sayed Ahmed Qazwini

20 المشاهدات· 24/03/23

Ahlul Bayt Center of Toledo
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في محاضرات

Can a parent be too over-protective? | Sayed Ahmed Qazwini
at the Ahlul Bayt Center of Toledo

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Transcript

[0:25]respected brothers and sisters we mentioned last night the beautiful passage of

[0:35]amir al-mu'min where he speaks to his son al-imam al-hassan he speaks

[0:41]to him from the position of a loving kind caring father towards

[0:46]his son and as i mentioned this is truly a passage that

[0:51]we can all learn from and we said the imam shows us

[0:55]why we love our children so much when he told the imam

[0:59]al-hassan my dear son when i see you i see part of

[1:05]me in you and then he said no but rather i see

[1:09]all of me in you he says i see you i see

[1:14]myself in you you are my continuation you are the younger version

[1:17]of myself and i mentioned five reasons why we see our own

[1:22]selves and our children number one we said because of the origin

[1:27]the physical origin of the human being between him and his child

[1:30]number two we said that our children carry our dna and our

[1:33]genes and that's why they inherit our looks our voice our personality

[1:39]and traits number three we said that our chair our children learn

[1:43]many behaviors and habits from us such that they become a copy

[1:46]of us number four we said that our children carry our name

[1:51]and thus any success they achieve we are credited as well and

[1:57]finally we said that after we die our children continue our legacy

[2:00]and the dunya they keep our name alive and likewise in the

[2:04]any good deed they do i am credited they do dua for

[2:08]us and i receive the thawab in the in my grave for

[2:13]this reason the imam alaihissalam says i see that you are another

[2:20]copy of myself the imam alaihissalam he continued and he said and

[2:33]because i see yourself as a copy of myself the imam tells

[2:39]imam al-hasan that i care for you in the same way that

[2:42]i care for myself your interests are my interest subhanallah how you

[2:49]see parents because of their love for their children that they care

[2:52]about their children in the same way that they care about themselves

[2:55]and in fact sometimes even more sometimes you will find the father

[3:00]the mother cares about the interests of his children more than his

[3:07]own interests the mother cares about her child more than she cares

[3:11]about herself the mother is willing to go hungry as long as

[3:16]the child is fed the mother is willing to be deprived of

[3:20]sleep as long as the child sleeps subhanallah the sacrifices that some

[3:25]parents offer for their children unbelievable they spent so many years of

[3:30]their lives saving just so that their children live a life of

[3:33]comfort if you remember a couple of months ago what happened in

[3:36]afghanistan you saw those planes the american planes they were lifting off

[3:41]you saw some parents they were running with their children they were

[3:46]giving them to the soldiers please just take my child because there's

[3:49]no future there's no future do you think that's easy for a

[3:51]mother for a father to give away their son and daughter and

[3:55]to be deprived of them that's not easy this is very difficult

[3:59]but they knew that living in afghanistan would be too difficult there's

[4:04]no point in living in afghanistan there's no future they gave their

[4:10]children away just so that child would have a future even if

[4:13]it means that i am left behind so we hear and see

[4:18]many times very inspiring stories of parents that sacrifice for their children

[4:24]because this is the love that allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has placed

[4:27]within us for our children and in fact speaks about the sun

[4:32]hadith the love that we have for our children is a good

[4:33]thing the imam says in allah the imam says that allah sometimes

[4:45]will show mercy towards a parent because of their extreme love for

[4:53]their sons and daughters maybe this parent wasn't an obedient servant to

[4:57]allah they did not deserve the mercy of allah but because of

[5:01]how much mercy they showed towards their children because of how much

[5:05]love they had towards their children allah will show mercy to that

[5:12]father and that mother allah will forgive that individual so allah subhanahu

[5:16]wa ta'ala wants us to be merciful with our children and that's

[5:19]why you find this has become something natural you find that we

[5:23]as parents we love to spoil our children we love to spoil

[5:28]them we love to buy for them whatever they want when it

[5:31]comes to their physical needs we will give them whatever they want

[5:33]we will sacrifice we will pay we will do whatever it takes

[5:38]to keep them happy with their physical needs but unfortunately where many

[5:43]times we fall short in showing love to our children is when

[5:48]it comes to their spiritual needs because subhanallah it's so surprising sometimes

[5:52]you find a father mother they love their child so much they

[5:56]want their son and daughter to have the best dunya but they

[5:59]don't care about their son or daughter's how can i claim to

[6:04]love my son and daughter when i care about their dunya and

[6:08]i do so much for them but with their i don't care

[6:11]at all i remember once one of the communities i heard a

[6:16]father for his son's 18th birthday he bought him a brand new

[6:20]porsche 60 70 80 000 pampering him to this level 18 years

[6:25]old sometimes this is not good because they won't appreciate money anymore

[6:28]they won't appreciate the naam when you just give it to them

[6:32]for free they won't appreciate it anymore so he pampered his son

[6:36]by giving him a poor 18th birthday but the same father who

[6:40]loves his son so much could not care because his son had

[6:45]a girlfriend because his son was for example drinking because his son

[6:49]would not pray because his daughter would not wear hijab completely careless

[6:54]neglectful about their iman but when it comes to their dunya so

[6:58]loving this is brothers and sisters this is a contradiction if i

[7:03]love my son and my daughter i should also want them to

[7:07]have a good achra yes or no if i don't care about

[7:09]my son's that means i don't love my son i don't love

[7:12]my daughter but subhanallah when it comes to the physical needs you

[7:18]find many parents they spoil their kids with their spiritual needs and

[7:22]their you find neglect you know here in the u.s you can

[7:25]get in trouble for child neglect if you don't feed your son

[7:29]you don't feed your daughter they will come and take away your

[7:33]kids many of us brothers and sisters inshallah not in this community

[7:36]but many communities i go you see parents who are neglectful towards

[7:42]their children but unfortunately you don't get in trouble with the law

[7:46]if you neglect their iman if you neglect their spirit you get

[7:49]in trouble with allah subhanahu ta'ala you won't see that the court

[7:54]or the police will come you know what you haven't been teaching

[7:56]your son salah you haven't been teaching your son morality so we

[7:59]have to take your son of course you want to hear that

[8:02]correct but allah subhanahu ta'ala will hold me accountable if i neglect

[8:06]teaching my son or daughter the iman the faith that they need

[8:09]the holy quran speaks about this who believe protect yourselves shield yourselves

[8:21]and shield your family this is an obligation so many people i

[8:27]remember brothers and sisters when i was young i used to go

[8:30]to the masjid i used to see the father he would be

[8:31]the first one that comes to the masjid he was the one

[8:35]that would do the adhan he was the first one to come

[8:39]the last one to leave but i would go to the school

[8:40]and i would see his son he's the worst individual he has

[8:45]three girlfriends he's always using foul language he skips class he gets

[8:51]into drugs this individual you find when it comes to his iman

[8:54]his faith he is very concerned but it when it comes to

[8:58]his son then not concerned would not care at all the holy

[9:03]quran says you have an obligation towards your son and towards your

[9:06]daughters you have to make sure that you're protecting them you're shielding

[9:10]them from what from all of the corruption and the immorality that

[9:17]now brothers and sisters exist in our societies in our communities from

[9:22]all of the deviation deviation and when it comes to akaad when

[9:25]it comes to beliefs when it comes to thought and when it

[9:27]comes to every day you were hearing we're hearing new trends of

[9:33]brothers and sisters every single day before you know i remember 10

[9:36]15 years ago the challenges of our youth were basic you know

[9:41]listening to music i don't know uh can we chew gum and

[9:46]ashura this was the stuff that i would hear now brothers and

[9:48]sisters the challenges are mind-boggling awesome i don't even know about many

[9:52]of them now you have this new gender change thing every day

[9:56]they want to change their gender one day i'm a boy one

[9:58]day i'm a girl one day i'm i don't know something else

[10:02]recently someone told me one of the friends he says i went

[10:04]to an interfaith program so he says i saw one of the

[10:09]people there i knew he had a daughter so i asked him

[10:12]how is she doing he told me don't call her she anymore

[10:14]she changed her pronoun i don't know what what she's called right

[10:20]now but they keep on creating new pronouns don't call her she

[10:23]anymore the immorality that is spreading every single day brothers and sisters

[10:26]is unbelievable and we parents and now we're sleeping i'm busy at

[10:32]work i'm trying to make my money while i'm losing my child

[10:36]what's the point brothers and sisters that you make millions but then

[10:38]you lose your children when we're so busy trying to build our

[10:44]businesses and trying to make money and our children we don't know

[10:46]what they're doing this is the natural consequence i remember once i

[10:50]went to homage i stayed at a brother's house i stayed at

[10:54]his house he was called abu fulan let's say as an example

[11:00]he's called for example so i know his oldest son i stayed

[11:06]at his house for 15 days never once did he come to

[11:10]say salaam the son at least one day his second son every

[11:12]day say do you need anything he would bring me my saroon

[11:16]he would bring me water come just check on me but the

[11:21]oldest one never he came so i asked after a couple of

[11:23]days i asked the father where is your son salah let's say

[11:29]his name is the father felt uncomfortable he didn't want to answer

[11:32]he dodged the question i knew there was something something fishy this

[11:35]father brothers and sisters was the most ya any the best muhammad

[11:41]you could see assad there he donates to all the fukara in

[11:49]the mesa he helps the mosque masha allah the best he reads

[11:51]every day i remember as ramadan he would sit down he would

[11:56]read two three chapters of the quran i asked someone else in

[11:59]the community about his oldest son what's up with this guy's oldest

[12:02]son does he have depression is he sick he told me his

[12:06]oldest son is a christian he's a christian and he lives in

[12:11]the house he doesn't want to come say talam to you because

[12:13]it's too awkward to tell you say it muslim he's a christian

[12:16]and on sundays he would get up in the morning he would

[12:19]go to church brothers and sisters so i asked him how the

[12:24]heck did this happen such a beautiful family the father prays his

[12:27]son is a christian he says yes because of his friends he

[12:31]went to a trip with a friend of his during that trip

[12:34]all of the the misconceptions about islam were instilled in his mind

[12:41]he was brainwashed he comes back islam doesn't make sense islam is

[12:45]this islam he turned into a christian and a devout christian not

[12:48]just a christian a christian that you know reads the bible every

[12:52]day that go how did this father lose his son like that

[12:55]brothers and sisters he was a muhammad because the verse he followed

[13:00]it he shielded himself but the second part was he forgot about

[13:04]it where was he her father was busy with himself and was

[13:08]with his own business and i have tons of stories brothers and

[13:11]sisters sometimes when i bring you a verse of the quran you

[13:15]say yeah this is from 1400 years ago hadith i'm bringing you

[13:18]real life stories of people just like you they were believers their

[13:22]intentions were good but they lost their children brothers and sisters i

[13:26]can tell you tens of stories from me and stories i have

[13:30]heard from my father from my uncle from many other ulama brothers

[13:33]and sisters just because i'm a believer it doesn't mean i will

[13:37]be believers so the quran says make sure that you protect your

[13:40]children and you teach them this is the obligation of the parents

[13:46]and one hadith the prophet says that haqq your child has a

[13:51]right against you or else you will be considered as a neglectful

[13:54]parent just like the parent that doesn't feed a son or daughter

[13:59]if you do not carry and fulfill these duties allah will consider

[14:03]you as a father that is neglectful as a mother that is

[14:08]neglectful he says choose a good name for him to discipline him

[14:14]to teach him adam teach him teach him manners teach your morals

[14:18]quran teach them quran i'll speak more about this on saturday inshallah

[14:23]that will be my topic teaching our children quran and another hadith

[14:27]this was by the way from imam ali and another hadith from

[14:29]the prophet sallallahu alaihi he says make sure that you teach your

[14:38]children three things number one instill the love of rasulullah in your

[14:41]children's heart not just the superheroes not just the athletes unfortunately our

[14:47]young the young right now they grow up who's their uh role

[14:51]models and icons it's the athletes it's the entertainers it's the singers

[14:55]it's the sports players is it prophet muhammad is it no way

[15:00]that's not who their role model is their true role models are

[15:04]these entertainers the prophet says and the love so if i truly

[15:20]love my children brothers and sisters then i have to make sure

[15:23]that i teach them the iman i teach them the faith and

[15:26]i spoke about this a little in my arabic sermon a couple

[15:30]of days ago i have to make sure that in the house

[15:32]i create that religious environment for them if they're not finding it

[15:36]elsewhere number two i spoke about this i think last night enroll

[15:39]them islamic school if you have an islamic school next year this

[15:43]is a nama that you have the al-mahdi academy i urge all

[15:46]of you to support this project brothers and sisters if you have

[15:49]children that are for the ages that are provided this is definitely

[15:55]a must it doesn't matter how much it costs because if you

[15:57]don't have time to teach them about bait then alhamdulillah they will

[16:01]learn salah they will learn they will learn morality they will learn

[16:05]about all of these tenants of faith in the school that has

[16:08]come to you to your community now because we love our children

[16:15]brothers and sisters it is natural for us to be protective of

[16:18]our children many parents they want to make all the decisions for

[16:24]their children because they love them imam ali says your matters are

[16:31]my matters your interests are my interests so we love our children

[16:34]and many times we want to make all the decisions for them

[16:38]but sometimes brothers and sisters we tend to overdo it and sometimes

[16:46]we become too overprotective of our children you see it's good to

[16:52]guide your son it's good to guide your daughter especially when they

[16:55]grow and they turn mature but be beware and be careful of

[17:01]being too overprotective and interfering in their lives too much see this

[17:05]is a issue that we rarely talk about in our communities is

[17:09]that some parents they are interfering in the lives of their children

[17:14]too much children i mean youth yanni not children let's you know

[17:17]let's for example 16 and over they interfere in their lives too

[17:24]much and many times it becomes counterproductive and it backfires and there

[17:28]are three areas that i want to bring to your attention i

[17:31]hear many complaints from the youth in our societies and our communities

[17:34]of parents that are becoming too overprotective sometimes you have parents that

[17:40]are neglecting they don't care sometimes you have parents that overdo it

[17:44]that are too overprotective and they interfere in everything this is all

[17:50]also wrong we have to take a middle course don't neglect your

[17:52]kids you don't ask about them you don't know about them and

[17:54]at the same time don't interfere too much in your children's lives

[17:59]three points brothers and sisters based on my experience and complaints i

[18:02]have heard these are three words of advice for us as parents

[18:06]and for the ones that aren't parents inshallah you'll be parents one

[18:10]day so you can keep these three points in mind number one

[18:12]when it comes to our children's career my son and my daughter

[18:16]never force or pressure your daughter into choosing a career you see

[18:22]brothers and sisters many times young people they come to me and

[18:27]they tell me say yet my father is killing me he wants

[18:28]me to be a doctor especially anino and dearborn many young people

[18:33]they come and tell me say it my father is going to

[18:37]kill himself if i don't become a doctor he says he wants

[18:39]to disavow me he'll disown me if i don't become a doctor

[18:43]why because when he grew up this was his you know dream

[18:45]i become a doctor he couldn't achieve that dream because for example

[18:50]he came from the middle east he didn't have access to the

[18:55]language of the education i do so now the burden is all

[18:56]on me i don't want to become a doctor say this is

[19:00]not my passion this is not something i want to be you

[19:02]know what happens when we pressure them too much they will go

[19:06]into that field they'll waste four years all that money and they'll

[19:09]become a failure in fact there's a story that my father told

[19:14]me once he says a story of a person he knows this

[19:17]father's dream was that his son becomes a doctor he comes from

[19:22]the middle east he didn't have the education so he had a

[19:25]normal job so he raised his son teaching him that your dream

[19:31]should also be to be a doctor you are destined to be

[19:33]a doctor he says ever since i was young he would tell

[19:37]everyone my son is going to be a doctor he ingrained it

[19:43]in stone i could not choose any other job he didn't want

[19:47]to be a doctor that wasn't what he wanted to do but

[19:51]he says the pressure was so great upon me that i felt

[19:53]if i don't become a doctor my father will hate me he'll

[19:57]let me down because he's told so many people so he says

[19:59]i went and i applied this is a real story he says

[20:02]i went and i applied to a university that's out of state

[20:07]he says i got accepted but i don't want to go so

[20:09]he says every week i'm supposed to go five days and then

[20:13]on the weekend i come back and spend time you know what

[20:16]he would do he says for five days i would go and

[20:18]have fun my father my poor father he saved thousands of dollars

[20:22]he would finance me he would give me the money the shaytan

[20:24]had played with my mind he says i would take the money

[20:28]from my father i would go to las vegas i would go

[20:31]to florida i would go to the bahamas for five days have

[20:33]fun with the money come back on the weekend my father how

[20:36]was med school yeah it was tough please do i have a

[20:40]son there's no med school nothing he says i could not i

[20:44]could not dare tell my father that i don't want to go

[20:46]to med school so i had to just lie see how sometimes

[20:50]it backfires or if he wouldn't have lied he would have went

[20:52]four years wasted his life he would have failed after four years

[20:57]now let me go choose another career he says for four years

[21:02]i lied to my father after four years my father's thought i'm

[21:05]coming back now that i you know i got my what do

[21:09]they call it the bachelors i don't know dr mohammed for med

[21:13]school md so now i'm supposed to you know apply for residency

[21:16]and you know in the area he says i came back i've

[21:21]done nothing i've wasted two hundred thousand dollars of my father's money

[21:24]and i'm a failure i'm not a doctor what am i going

[21:27]to tell my father what am i he comes he comes to

[21:31]my father he says i want you to break the news the

[21:32]father will die if he hears that news now why did this

[21:37]happen to begin with it was the father himself that forced his

[21:40]son down this path yes of course the son is evil he

[21:45]did something wrong but when i put too much burden on my

[21:46]son and all the expectations all the pressure is on you sometimes

[21:52]it's too much and he will let me down so this is

[21:55]something that we have to be very careful of you know it's

[21:58]narrated that imam ali alayhi salaam said this is a very beautiful

[22:01]hadith the imam says do not enforce certain customs that you believe

[22:15]in upon your children because they are created for a generation that

[22:19]is different than yours a time that is different than yours i

[22:22]lived in a you know in a place and a time my

[22:26]children live in a different time don't always expect your children to

[22:29]be exactly like you no that was 30 years ago times have

[22:34]changed i remember some young individual used to come he used to

[22:38]tell me my father every day he tells me are you reading

[22:40]the new york times when i was your age i was reading

[22:43]the new york times maybe who is the new york times right

[22:45]now he's an 18 year old young guy right now that's all

[22:48]tick tackle i don't know what because of course 30 years ago

[22:51]what would someone do an 18 year old it was boring other

[22:54]than sports of course i would say i mean he says every

[22:57]day he would tell me do you do you read the new

[22:58]york times when i tell him no he says i would get

[23:02]a huge you know uh arca from my father my father a

[23:06]huge lecture from my father so we cannot expect our children to

[23:12]be exactly like us as long as the deen the religion is

[23:14]there but everything else is secondary so when it comes to the

[23:19]career many parents they lived at a time where success was become

[23:23]a doctor become a lawyer become a pharmacist become an engineer in

[23:28]foreign that was success now 20 30 years ago it's they're still

[23:32]successful jobs i'm not speaking against these jobs but so now there's

[23:37]so many new industries and careers and i spoke about this last

[23:40]week remember i brought you entire list so don't tell your child

[23:42]since you're young because i hear this all the time young people

[23:46]my father wants to be a farmer he wants me to be

[23:49]a pharmacist he wants me to be an engineer i don't want

[23:50]to be an engineer i want to be something else so i

[23:53]want to be for example you know one of the one of

[23:56]these new industries that we don't even know what they are now

[23:59]so do not enforce your vision of success upon your child or

[24:02]else it will just backfire and that individual will be a failure

[24:08]sometimes you know i notice this even some parents they have a

[24:14]good intention they want their children to go to hauser i've noticed

[24:16]i know certain individuals examples they want their children to go to

[24:20]hausa home or nejaf and study that's uh doesn't want to go

[24:25]to hauser he doesn't have you know for example the intelligence or

[24:27]he doesn't have the he just doesn't have the willpower someone lazy

[24:31]or he doesn't have the passion he doesn't want to go to

[24:35]hell the father the mother the family they pressure pressure pressure him

[24:38]he comes to the house i remember when i was in the

[24:40]house i used to see some students come from the west they

[24:43]spend their entire time wasting they would not attend their classes they

[24:47]would skip classes they would spend every night shisha or gila waste

[24:51]of time why because they were forced to come to the house

[24:55]he goes five years he comes back he's a failure he hasn't

[24:58]learned one thing because from day one he didn't come with that

[25:01]passion when you come with the passion that's different than someone who

[25:05]is forced by his family allah because my father wants me to

[25:09]go and alhamdulillah this is one of the blessings of allah upon

[25:13]me personally my father is a scholar he studied in the house

[25:15]alhamdulillah he never pressured me to go to the house never then

[25:20]one day he taught he tell me you have to go to

[25:21]the house because my father was a scholar and his father was

[25:25]a scholar and his grandfather never he would tell me my dear

[25:29]son it's up to you you want to go to the university

[25:30]you want to become a doctor of course this is what every

[25:34]father loves for their son you want to become a doctor you

[25:36]become a doctor you want to become you go to the house

[25:40]when i went to the house it was based on my sole

[25:45]discretion my sole opinion yes of course my father would encourage me

[25:48]this is a good thing but pressure me not at all never

[25:52]did i feel that i was pressured into doing this and this

[25:54]is how we have to be with our children mother and sisters

[25:57]as long as the career is not haram he's not engaged in

[26:02]haram business let him choose whatever he wants when i enforce upon

[26:05]him he will only become a failure later on this is number

[26:09]one the first area where we have to give our children our

[26:13]sons and daughters room number two the second area where we have

[26:17]to give them room is it is when it comes to choosing

[26:22]a spouse last week i spoke about the importance of consulting when

[26:26]you want to get married consult consult your parents consult other individuals

[26:32]about certain individuals you want to get married make sure you do

[26:36]some research investigation but at the end of the day if i

[26:41]consult my child consults me and then they don't want to accept

[26:45]my opinion i should not force them to marry the person i

[26:47]want i should not ban them from marrying the person that they

[26:50]want as long as listen carefully as long as the two conditions

[26:56]of rasulullah are met let them marry whoever they want rasulullah said

[27:03]if someone comes and the deen is there the religion and the

[27:08]there's someone who is respectful someone who is polite someone who has

[27:13]terbia as we say but everything else is secondary if that person

[27:18]is not from my country that doesn't matter brothers and sisters as

[27:21]long as the deen and likewise many youth they come to me

[27:28]they come to many all the alama here they go to my

[27:29]father my father can tell you a thousand stories of this young

[27:34]youth they come crying to us say it i want to marry

[27:37]this girl she's she prays everything is good about her the only

[27:42]problem is she's from a different country and my father says no

[27:45]how can you marry i'm from someone for example i don't want

[27:49]to give examples right now but you know exactly what i mean

[27:51]i'm from this country and she is from that country sometimes it's

[27:54]the opposite the guy wants to marry a girl they love each

[27:58]other they're both the deen is there but the father says no

[28:04]because this person is from another country sometimes alhamdulillah this is becoming

[28:07]less now sometimes even the village mentality he's from a different village

[28:12]same country but this guy from the north let's say she's from

[28:17]the south i don't want i want someone from our own village

[28:20]what's that what's that gonna do for my son or daughter just

[28:23]because from same village or same country i remember once i went

[28:26]to australia a young man he told me say it i got

[28:30]rejected the father rejected me even though he's a muhammad he says

[28:33]because i couldn't speak the language of the father he came from

[28:36]a country in the east because he told me that you don't

[28:40]speak this language you're no good i can't give you my daughter.

[28:42]this is haram brothers and sisters this is not just you know

[28:47]unrecommended this is haram the holy quran speaks about a notion called

[28:51]it is haram for a father to deny his daughter marriage for

[28:57]such reasons because he's from this country yes if he is someone

[29:00]that is not religious i have the right to tell my daughter

[29:05]this person is not religious this is okay but if it's because

[29:10]of race it's because of the country this is haram this is

[29:13]one of those cases where the guardianship of the father the of

[29:18]the father may be stripped away from him you have no right

[29:21]to deny your daughter marriage just because of the language just because

[29:24]of the religion hundreds of stories brothers and sisters i know parents

[29:28]they say no because he's from a different country or sometimes i

[29:31]remember recently a father because i don't like that girl's father then

[29:37]my son is not going to marry her daughter what type of

[29:40]mentality is this this is the tribal mentality of jahaliyah he told

[29:43]me the father i asked him why did you tell your son

[29:47]why did you deny him from marrying that girl he says say

[29:49]it because i don't like her father they have a personal problem

[29:53]he denies the son or he denies the the the father and

[29:57]sometimes it's the opposite what do i mean sometimes we deny our

[30:04]children our sons and daughters from marriage because of these reasons sometimes

[30:08]we pressure them into marrying someone that they don't want i remember

[30:13]once i went to an area a father came to me he

[30:18]said say it please i want you to sit down and talk

[30:19]to my son about marriage there is someone that i have found

[30:24]for him and i want you to convince him to marry her

[30:27]so i asked him who is she he said say it her

[30:31]father is a sheikh he's a ali i said okay what about

[30:35]the girl no i don't know anything about the girl i know

[30:37]her the father is a shaykh told them is he marrying the

[30:41]sheikh or the daughter just because the father is a sheikh he

[30:44]want your son to marry the daughter so i went i spoke

[30:48]to the son he told me say it the only reason my

[30:51]father wants me to marry her is because the father is a

[30:53]good man oh i don't care about the father i'm not going

[30:56]to live with the father i'm marrying the girl there's no attraction

[30:59]between me and the girl what can i do this is another

[31:01]problem some parents they pressure their kids in marrying their cousins because

[31:07]the mother she wants what she wants she loves her sister and

[31:10]she knows her sister has a daughter my son has to marry

[31:15]the cousin or sometimes the father does that this brothers and sisters

[31:17]is a way in which you will destroy their marriage even if

[31:20]they say yes just for you but they're not going to be

[31:23]happy in their marriage they'll get divorced a year later two years

[31:25]later what have i achieved don't pressure them in marriage and in

[31:31]fact there is a hadith from imam al-sadiq where he explicitly says

[31:34]this listen to this the imam says one of his companions by

[31:38]the name of ibn abiyahu listen to this hadith brothers and sisters

[31:42]he says i ask but my parents want me to marry someone

[31:56]else what should i do what do you think the imam would

[32:02]say in this situation what do you think listen to your parents

[32:06]listen to the answer of the imam imam hawaii he says leave

[32:16]the one that your parents want and marry the one that you

[32:21]want to remember as long as the deen and the as long

[32:23]as the deen and the akhlaq are there then marry the one

[32:27]that you want and leave the other one why because the imam

[32:29]al-sadiq knows that will be a failed marriage if i'm marrying a

[32:33]girl just because of my father and mother it's going to be

[32:36]a failed marriage after a couple of months i'm going to divorce

[32:37]her after a couple of years there's not going to be love

[32:41]in that because i'm just doing it for my father and mother

[32:42]i'm the one that's going to live with her not my parents

[32:46]when the imam tells him that mary the one that you love

[32:49]and leave the one that your father and mother want he's sending

[32:52]a message to the imam a powerful message to the parents don't

[32:55]force your kids to marry someone guide them give them for example

[32:59]guidance tell them you know this is probably not a good idea

[33:04]best to force the idea on them no as long as you

[33:08]remember the deen and there now that's a red line of course

[33:10]there's no deen in now you may say why is the imam

[33:16]saying this our children have to obey us yes our children have

[33:18]to obey us but at the end of the day we also

[33:21]have to be somewhat lenient and merciful with our children sometimes there

[33:25]are some parents that are so strict and they're so you know

[33:29]severe with their children that they force their children to become up

[33:32]they force their children to become undutiful they turn them away i

[33:37]remember some youth they come to me they tell me my father

[33:39]is so strict with me interferes in every part of my life

[33:43]but i can't stand him if this child becomes up he turns

[33:48]away from his father it's the father's fault listen to the hadith

[33:51]of rasulullah may allah have mercy upon the parents that help their

[34:01]child and being dutiful towards them your child has to be good

[34:04]towards you you as a father have to help them so that

[34:08]they become good towards you how by not being so severe by

[34:14]not interfering in every single thing when you burden them with too

[34:17]much you will force them to run away you'll force them to

[34:19]be to turn against you so be lenient be easy with them

[34:24]so that they can become bar they can become a dutiful child

[34:27]towards but when you burden them with too much khalas you lose

[34:32]them so this is a second brothers and sisters area that we

[34:35]shouldn't pressure and force our kids when it comes to choosing no

[34:38]i want you to marry this person no i want you or

[34:41]to rejecting on the basis of for example country and race and

[34:45]finally i'll end with this when it comes to the matters of

[34:50]marriage meaning the daily the daily matters of marriage marriage life the

[34:54]less the parents interfere the more successful the marriage will be wallahi

[34:58]brothers and sisters i am telling you this based on experience from

[35:05]hundreds of cases that i have seen and thousands of cases that

[35:07]my father sometimes he tells me because people come to counseling for

[35:11]us when they have problems many times the problems are because the

[35:15]in-laws are interfering too much the more the in-laws interfere and the

[35:20]marriage the worse the marriage will be only interfere when you have

[35:25]to when it's necessary when it's a big deal but in every

[35:27]small issue some mothers they go and ask their daughters every day

[35:30]what did your husband do today what did he give you what

[35:33]did he buy this is wrong some mothers they go to their

[35:37]sons and they ask about the wife every day what did she

[35:39]do sometimes the wife maybe you know she wasn't at her best

[35:43]behavior so the mother has to know about every single thing well

[35:46]he brothers and sisters i know two friends of mine close friends

[35:48]of mine they got married their marriage was perfect but they ended

[35:54]up divorcing because of the mothers because the two mothers they got

[35:57]involved they waged the war these two poor guys the wife and

[36:02]the husband they were caught in the middle until they had to

[36:04]get a divorce because it was unsustainable anymore sometimes we parents could

[36:09]lead our children to divorce now of course there are good parents

[36:12]who obviously they always try to reconcile who always try to bring

[36:17]the two together who don't interfere unless it's necessary there are the

[36:21]good parents and unfortunately there are those parents that become they become

[36:25]the reason for the divorce of their children the daughter hasn't said

[36:28]anything she hasn't complained the mother comes and she instigates the son

[36:34]she instigates the daughter until it leads to a divorce you know

[36:38]they say the the happiest couple in the world was adam and

[36:44]eve why because neither had in-laws neither had the laws they were

[36:53]the only human beings they got married so sometimes brothers and sisters

[36:58]we have to be very careful when it comes with to how

[37:00]to deal with our children and their marriages don't involve yourself unless

[37:03]it's necessary and now i'll end with these two points the first

[37:08]is a word of advice for the married couple themselves number one

[37:15]brothers and sisters if i am a husband and my mother is

[37:20]instigating me against my wife then it is haram for me to

[37:24]listen to my mother now brothers and sisters because the hadith says

[37:30]you cannot listen to the even if it's your mother even if

[37:36]it's your father if it's going against allah my mother is instigating

[37:40]me against my husband against my wife i cannot listen because sometimes

[37:44]this happens the husband has a good relationship with the wife his

[37:48]mother instigates him then he starts to oppress her he starts to

[37:52]hate her he turns against her it's all because of the mother

[37:55]i can't say she's my mother i have to listen to her

[37:58]no the holy quran says allah comes before your mother allah says

[38:02]in the holy quran allah if your mother or father tell you

[38:09]to do shaykh do you say you're they're my parents i have

[38:11]to do shark no do not listen to them but at the

[38:15]same time do not disrespect them don't yell at her don't rebuke

[38:20]her keep a good relationship with your mother but at the same

[38:23]time you cannot follow your mother or father's order to do lulum

[38:26]towards your spouse this is haram so the husband and the wife

[38:33]they have to keep a balance from one side they have to

[38:36]please their parents as long as they're not doing haram from the

[38:39]other side they also have to give their wives or their husbands

[38:46]their the holy quran says i have to live with my spouse

[38:51]with my roof meaning with kindness with love just because my mother

[38:54]doesn't like my wife that doesn't mean that i have to start

[38:56]hating my wife this is haram the quran says you have to

[39:00]live with ma but at the end of the day brothers and

[39:02]sisters if there is a conflict because sometimes the wife also instigates

[39:08]the husband against the parents and the husband instigates the wife against

[39:13]the parents you know it's both ways so you know it's a

[39:15]very difficult situation the husband and the wife they have to keep

[39:20]that balance respect for the parents and at the same time live

[39:23]with respect as the quran says with the spouse you have to

[39:30]try to please both as long as you're not committing any haram

[39:33]but at the end of the day i will end with this

[39:38]if there is a conflict between the my parents and my spouse

[39:44]and it's not a matter of hakan battle there's no haram you

[39:47]know it's just personal issues and i am forced to choose sides

[39:49]now we said you shouldn't choose sides you have to always try

[39:56]to what try to reconcile try to be good with both and

[39:58]be in the middle but if a day came if a time

[40:01]came in which i had to choose one over the other who

[40:04]do i choose hundred percent you choose your parents you have to

[40:08]side with your parents because your parents have the greatest hack upon

[40:12]you your parents have the greatest hap my mother and my father

[40:15]have the upon me greater than my spouse that's why the hadith

[40:20]of the prophets narrated saying al-jannah to tata um so if there

[40:24]is a feud and i can't you know i i am forced

[40:28]to take sides definitely i have to take my mother's side remember

[40:30]as long as it's not volume i'm not doing dhulam no it's

[40:35]a matter it's there's no volume there's no happen battle i said

[40:37]i have to take sides of the mother because no one will

[40:42]be like the mother brothers and sisters my parents raised me for

[40:46]20 25 years when i became successful in charming the spouse came

[40:49]as we say in arabic and became my spouse the parents did

[40:56]all the work so i have to always give the priority to

[41:00]my parents brothers and sisters anytime there's a problem and that's why

[41:04]in no case do i have the right to disrespect my parents

[41:07]to side with my wife turn with my husband and to go

[41:13]against my parents as long as remember as long as it is

[41:15]not volume of course if it is volume that is being committed

[41:18]against my spouse then no here i have to always stand against

[41:23]the volume and i have to stand with the muslim so at

[41:27]the end of the day brothers and sisters i have to try

[41:31]to keep that balance but i will mention this once again the

[41:35]less we interfere in the lives of our children the happier their

[41:39]marriages will be most of the times unless it's a must you

[41:43]have to come to reconcile it's much better to let them live

[41:48]and figure out their problems by themselves we ask allah subhanahu wa

[41:51]ta'ala to bless us to accept our to forgive us of our

[41:54]deeds foreign

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التالي

Can a parent be too over-protective? | Sayed Ahmed Qazwini

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التالي

Can a parent be too over-protective? | Sayed Ahmed Qazwini

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