Getting Married: Culture vs. Religion | Sayed Mohammad Baqer Qazwini | Muslim Youth Connection

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Transcript

[0:06]in the name of the almighty god the compassionate the merciful the

[0:13]one who has created everything in utmost perfection and may the peace

[0:20]and blessings of the almighty god be upon his pure and beloved

[0:25]messenger the peak of his creation the symbol of humanity the holy

[0:32]prophet muhammad and his pure immaculate progeny of the invade peace be

[0:43]upon them especially the leader of our time the awaited savior al-imam

[0:51]may allah hasten his reappearance and make us all amongst us sincere

[0:57]and dedicated servants respected brothers and sisters the beautiful religion of islam

[1:09]is god's final word to humanity it is the message that sums

[1:21]up all previous messages islam is the culmination of 124 000 prophets

[1:31]in one word it is a beautiful message because it's from your

[1:38]creator from allah the one who the one who brought you to

[1:42]this world the creator who is full of wisdom but one of

[1:49]the greatest challenges that we have especially in our modern era is

[1:56]to know exactly what this message is what does this religion say

[2:03]to us and the challenge exists because it's very difficult for us

[2:11]to separate the actual message from cultures that's because we human beings

[2:22]we are governed by our cultures you grow up in your family

[2:27]in your society you're governed by a culture and many times cultural

[2:37]values and expectations are imposed on religious values and it becomes very

[2:42]difficult for us to separate between these two religion i have to

[2:50]accept it if allah has legislated a law for me i ought

[2:56]to respect the law of god i ought to accept it the

[2:59]holy quran tells us very clearly that when allah decides a matter

[3:03]for you a true believer does not say no a true believer

[3:08]wholeheartedly accepts it but culture am i forced to accept culture i

[3:15]don't i'm not forced to accept culture religion i have to accept

[3:20]culture i can choose i can choose to accept certain values practices

[3:25]from this culture if they're appropriate or i may choose certain practices

[3:30]or values from another culture now the challenge is muslims historically but

[3:40]especially nowadays have conflated these two what religion says and what culture

[3:47]says such that many times we impose our cultural expectations on religion

[3:51]so that if a person wants to be a practicing muslim they

[3:56]are under the impression that they have to go by that cultural

[4:02]baggage thinking it's part of religion when it's not this becomes an

[4:08]impediment the region the reason why the religion of islam spread so

[4:14]rapidly is because the holy prophet salallahu made it very clear this

[4:18]is religion other cultures were inspired by this religion they took the

[4:23]religion and they operated in their own cultures islam is a is

[4:30]a culture-friendly religion and the best testament to that is that you'll

[4:38]find even though islam started in arabia most muslims are not arabs

[4:44]they don't go by the arabic culture today only about 20 percent

[4:49]of muslims are arab or they go by the arabic culture isn't

[4:53]this proof that the religion of islam did not impose the arabic

[4:58]culture on other people if your cultural practices are okay they're appropriate

[5:04]there's no injustice in them islam says i respect that that's fine

[5:09]keep your cultural practices that's okay just make sure that you're not

[5:13]oppressing anyone you're not violating any islamic principles you can keep your

[5:19]culture that's perfectly fine cherish it it's part of our human diversity

[5:23]it's beautiful but when i impose my own culture that's when i

[5:33]start alienating people that's when i create unnecessary challenges so it's always

[5:40]important to decipher differentiate what's religion and what's culture and one of

[5:46]the most important areas where this could be a challenge and where

[5:51]we need to decipher these is marriage so it's the month of

[5:56]february right last week we talked about premarital love what are the

[6:03]guidelines what to expect what to avoid our discussion tonight inshallah we'll

[6:09]be talking about marriage and we'll do our best to separate between

[6:15]religion and culture because many of the challenges that we have today

[6:21]in our communities when it comes to marriage is because we don't

[6:24]know what the guidelines are many times our parents don't know many

[6:29]times our parents impose cultural expectations and that could push some of

[6:36]us away from religion so let's go back to the roots and

[6:42]see what is the position of islam when it comes to these

[6:46]issues surrounding marriage by deciphering religion from culture we have better clarity

[6:53]and then we'll know what allah subhanahu ta'ala wants from us because

[6:57]everything that allah subhanahu ta'ala has legislated for us it's for our

[7:02]own good it's so we can be successful less headaches less problems

[7:10]for us believe me if you go by the law of god

[7:12]it's a hassle free lifestyle the true believers look at their lifestyle

[7:17]yes allah tries them sure but they don't complicate things allah clearly

[7:24]states in the holy quran what's that word i heard someone say

[7:34]it louder yes two words in arabic that sounds similar yos in

[7:48]another verse allah states what's yours and what's also yours is ease

[7:59]us is difficult allah wants ease for us allah does not want

[8:08]difficulty for us but sometimes we complicate things we make things difficult

[8:12]for us so in our discussion tonight we'll examine about five or

[8:18]six dimensions that surround the issue of marriage we'll see what the

[8:22]islamic perspective is and then we'll see what some cultural challenges are

[8:24]and we will have a discussion as we proceed the first area

[8:31]i'd like to examine with you to understand how islam simplifies things

[8:37]and how sometimes cultural expectations complicate things is the issue of financial

[8:48]stability when you are considering marriage let's face it these days our

[8:51]cultural expectations are that if you want to get married not only

[8:56]do you have to have some sort of financial plan no you

[9:00]have to be very well established you have to be making a

[9:06]good income from your job you have to secure that house if

[9:12]not don't you dare come through my front door and propose to

[9:18]my daughter that's the attitude let's face it that is exactly the

[9:22]attitude one brother told me that his friend asked someone to go

[9:28]to the family he was interested in to propose an intermediary to

[9:32]see what their initial reaction is the first question the father asked

[9:36]how much money is he making and how much money does he

[9:42]have in his bank account he was even interested in that yes

[9:47]culturally that's something that's important for us islamically allah has a different

[9:55]vision for us islamically allah subhanahu wa ta'ala wants us if we

[9:59]want to have a blessed life please open your hearts to this

[10:03]my dear brothers and sisters if you want to have a blessed

[10:07]married life allah wants you to start off through sacrifice allah wants

[10:13]you to sacrifice and the best example i will share with you

[10:18]is your parents let me see a show of hands here how

[10:22]many of you when you've heard about how your parents met each

[10:24]other and how they lived in those difficult days how many of

[10:30]you your parents had difficulties financial difficulties early on in their marriage

[10:36]and then later allah subhanahu ta'ala blessed them and they became financially

[10:40]stable can i see a show of hands more than half of

[10:46]you here your parents struggled sacrifice pays off my dear brothers and

[10:51]sisters if our parents today want us to start our marriage to

[10:59]life luxuriously having that fancy house having that six you know digit

[11:06]income figure salary that's not what allah wants for us allah wants

[11:10]you to sacrifice because allah has put barakah and blessing and sacrifice

[11:14]and you see and he states it very clearly in the holy

[11:18]quran allah talks about marriage in this verse then he states if

[11:26]they don't have that financial stability they don't have that nice figure

[11:31]in their bank accounts believe in that my dear brothers and sisters

[11:42]maybe most of us here we grew up and we were fed

[11:46]with a silver spoon but believe me your parents your grandparents that

[11:49]was not the case for them they struggled for years and years

[11:54]they sacrificed they stood by each other's side helping one another and

[11:59]allah bless them allah wants you to start your marital life with

[12:04]financial difficulty i'll say it very openly because it brings barakah to

[12:12]your it's okay it's okay if you're struggling you have to rent

[12:16]a small studio maybe you have to work two shifts you may

[12:19]be finishing your college degree you have a part-time job that's okay

[12:23]where does allah subhanahu ta'ala stay that you have to have your

[12:30]full career right before your hands and you have to have that

[12:34]amazing financial stability to start the journey of marriage to start the

[12:40]journey of having a family where does allah say that show me

[12:43]if we believe in allah islam quran religion then show that to

[12:48]me that's not one of the criteria that the prophet sallallahu alaihi

[12:53]outlined but our cultural expectations make this extremely difficult many people keep

[12:58]postponing marriage keep you know giving up on excellent opportunities because of

[13:07]this factor allah wants you to sacrifice because sacrifice it's beautiful it

[13:12]builds you it even strengthens the bonds you know what the problem

[13:17]with marriage today is the guy is like 30 35 she's 25

[13:21]30 32 they've pretty much lived their youthful days right and now

[13:30]they want to settle down and live with each other they don't

[13:35]have that shared history from the days of their youth they don't

[13:39]have that they've already had their struggles developing into adults they've already

[13:47]had their struggles it's now difficult to live with someone when you're

[13:51]30.

[13:52]let's face it it's not easy because you already have your habits

[13:56]you have your weights you have your lifestyle you don't have that

[14:01]much flexibility to change and accommodate the other person isn't it so

[14:05]that's not good brothers and sisters that's not healthy for us but

[14:09]when you're struggling when you're sacrificing when you're establishing yourself you have

[14:14]a lot more flexibility you can better adapt to each other's personality

[14:20]today one of the biggest keywords that you'll hear about marriage is

[14:26]the following compatibility don't we hear that word when they're when there's

[14:33]a couple they're interested in knowing one another for the purpose of

[14:37]marriage one big thing that they have to look for is compatibility

[14:40]are we compatible you know why this has become such a huge

[14:47]issue is because when you're 30 30 35 yes i agree with

[14:48]you you need to look for compatibility because if there's not that

[14:53]much compatibility there's not that much flexibility on your part to accommodate

[14:57]each other sure it becomes a challenge but when you're younger you

[15:03]can mold your personality you're flexible with your character and there's barakah

[15:09]in that my dear brothers and sisters so this is one area

[15:13]that we need to make a clear distinction between culture and religion

[15:18]let's hear some thoughts from you my dear brothers and sisters what

[15:22]are some reflections that you have some personal challenges that you know

[15:27]about maybe from your friends relatives about this first point here any

[15:36]thoughts any ideas is this something you're convinced of but maybe your

[15:42]parents are not what do you say do you agree or do

[15:52]you object to what i said you can freely object that's okay

[15:57]if you believe that yes you have to be 30 35 and

[15:58]you have to have your career that's okay we can discuss that

[16:03]yes brother okay the father who says that i want to protect

[16:14]my daughter if this young man is not still established financially then

[16:18]you know this is a risk this is a big risk for

[16:25]me that is a valid concern but let's look at statistics here

[16:29]always look at what's happening in the community to get some answers

[16:34]those people who got married when they were very financially established they

[16:41]had that income that those fathers like how successful are they are

[16:49]they more successful than others are those daughters happier than other daughters

[16:58]and were their rights really given to them and secured just see

[17:03]what's happening in the community and you'll see that there's no guarantee

[17:06]the guy is financially established there's no guarantee that they're going to

[17:12]live happily with each other in fact we've seen how sometimes certain

[17:17]divorces get so ugly going to the court spending hundreds of thousands

[17:26]of dollars on lawyer fees because of these issues there's no guarantee

[17:31]absolutely no guarantee here if this young man has good character that's

[17:37]why the prophet outlines what the criteria are if he is really

[17:42]god fearing he has good character he's good-hearted he'll take care of

[17:47]your daughter don't worry chances are he will take care of your

[17:52]daughter yeah sometimes bad things happen that's part of our life trial

[17:58]but that should not be a factor that discourages you if you've

[18:01]chosen wisely he seems to have the good character then that's not

[18:07]a gamble you're not taking you know a big risk over here

[18:13]in fact you're doing something that's justified and the barakah comes from

[18:17]allah any other thoughts any other ideas about this first point let's

[18:26]hear from the sisters so be honest let's say you know there's

[18:32]a scenario where a brother is to propose he's got some financial

[18:38]plan it's not like he doesn't know what he's doing obviously you

[18:42]have to have some sort of financial plan in place but he's

[18:44]still not that established is that really a big concern for you

[18:51]yes sister why not i mean we all want to live comfortably

[19:17]okay we live in a society that gives the sisters the opportunity

[19:21]to also help out if he is working part-time you're working part-time

[19:25]you have low expectations financially you'd like a humble start that's possible

[19:31]that's beautiful allah will put that barakah in your life in fact

[19:37]my dear brothers and sisters when you look at wealthy people people

[19:40]who are really successful right wealthy people who are successful when you

[19:46]look at their early lives believe me most of them struggled they

[19:51]struggled they worked hard then they achieved what they achieved don't be

[19:56]fooled into thinking that this successful business person or this wealthy person

[20:02]started off that way and had an easy life believe me they

[20:07]work really hard many of them had difficult starts but it's the

[20:12]sunnah system of god sunnah means the system of allah and the

[20:15]quran states you don't find a change in god's system that if

[20:19]you work hard you struggle it pays off even those who don't

[20:25]believe in god even atheist that's the sunnah of god you work

[20:28]hard in dunya you start off with difficulty eventually there's going to

[20:35]be ease allah says it starts with difficulty then the ease will

[20:41]come so that's the first point that we need to make sure

[20:48]we're differentiating between what islam proposes and between different cultural expectations the

[20:55]second aspect my dear brothers and sisters that is very important is

[21:01]when it comes to marrying people from outside of your own circle

[21:08]that circle can be an ethnic circle it could be a racial

[21:18]circle it's one of the biggest challenges that we have culturally it's

[21:23]not really okay to consider someone from another race from another culture

[21:31]even more from another village that's part of our culture right that

[21:36]one brother told me the first question was about the money right

[21:41]that the father asked what was the second question not what country

[21:47]is he from no he knew they're from the same country what

[21:51]village is he from that was important for the father what village

[21:57]is he from thinking that is he if he's from your village

[21:59]he's going to make your daughter happy look at the standards that's

[22:04]not an islamic standard that's a cultural standard islam taught us to

[22:13]look beyond these superficial lines and hence you find the prophet sallallahu

[22:19]alaihi he led by example two of his own cousins his first

[22:23]cousins zainab binch they are the cousins of the prophet the prophet

[22:31]mediated so they would marry someone from another tribe and in arabia

[22:36]that was like from another race the prophet had zainab mary who

[22:42]his adopted son zaid the arabs considered zaid from the lower classes

[22:49]you know in today's standards he was from a different race the

[22:54]prophet sallallahu alaihi asked zainab to marry him it was difficult for

[22:58]her i come from benihashim from pure arabic ancestry my race is

[23:04]good you want me to marry zade it was difficult for her

[23:09]but because the prophet salallahu alaihi asked her eventually she accepted she

[23:14]did not turn the prophet's request down another example is one of

[23:21]the great companions of the prophet sallallahu alaihi he asked his cousin

[23:27]the daughter of zubair the son of abdul muttalib she is the

[23:32]first cousin of the prophet he asked her to marry al-nakhdaq was

[23:37]seen as coming from an inferior race or tribe the prophet led

[23:43]by example yes my own family members i will ask them to

[23:47]do that to break these racial tribal barriers to break this task

[23:54]now here's one very important question let's be realistic too right we're

[23:59]not talking you know theoretically here in a rosy utopian world let's

[24:04]let's be a little bit more realistic am i racist if i

[24:11]want my daughter to marry someone from my own culture from my

[24:14]own race from my own ethnicity from my own village is that

[24:21]racist no tell me why why is it not racist preferences we're

[24:35]allowed to have some sort of preferences right islam didn't tell us

[24:40]hey you can't have any preferences here you can't if there's a

[24:44]good young man he's from your culture you like him there's compatibility

[24:49]you know his family you know his background it's not wrong to

[24:53]prefer him over someone else is it it's not wrong when does

[24:57]a preference become racism and bigotry and prejudice give me an example

[25:08]when you deny because of that you're getting close let's let's reword

[25:14]it a little bit see if there are two potential suitors one's

[25:19]from my culture the other one's not the one who's not from

[25:26]my culture decent god-fearing committed devout but the guy from my culture

[25:38]maybe he's got money but he's not god feared he does not

[25:42]have that that the prophet points to if i choose this guy

[25:47]who's from my culture but he doesn't have those qualities that islam

[25:53]recommends for us and i reject that other person just because of

[25:59]his culture or race that is racism i'll say it clearly that's

[26:05]racism that's tribalism that's to us in arabic something that the prophet

[26:09]rejected and a movement should not have in his heart yes if

[26:14]you've got three four you know options to choose from if you've

[26:18]got five people whom you're considering maybe they came they proposed one

[26:22]of them is closer to your culture but has all the qualities

[26:26]he's decent he's got that he's got the deen it's okay to

[26:31]favor him over others there's nothing wrong with that that's not racism

[26:34]we human beings we naturally are inclined towards people from our own

[26:38]culture that's okay that's not something that we're denouncing or criticizing what

[26:44]we're criticizing is scenario number two and we see it happening all

[26:52]the time sometimes there's two brothers or two sisters and there's an

[26:57]issue of marriage they're interested in getting married the parents say no

[27:03]to the better one the one who has those qualities the prophet

[27:07]wants in us they say no because of culture because of race

[27:14]and they choose the other one who doesn't have those qualities just

[27:17]because he's from my life he's from my village islam says that's

[27:23]not the sunnah of the prophet if you want the sunnah of

[27:30]the prophet you have to make a distinction here a very important

[27:33]distinction here between what's culture and what's religion religion tells you the

[27:40]top priorities that you can't sacrifice is deen and the others sure

[27:46]you can choose your own preferences but they come after dean and

[27:52]not before if you bring them before dina that is something cultural

[27:58]not islamic and we have to make a distinction between these two

[28:01]what are your thoughts about the second one here do you believe

[28:07]the second scenario is a type of racism or not really what

[28:11]do you say i see some nods brothers what do you say

[28:20]be realistic let's say you're a father and two guys propose right

[28:27]and we're assuming that you know your daughter has been waiting for

[28:33]numerous opportunities by this time and you reject the one who has

[28:41]better deen and better aflam why because you want to choose the

[28:45]one who's culturally closer to you imagine your father and this happens

[28:50]to you what would you do i know the younger generation you

[28:55]know you have a different culture than your parents generation but what

[28:58]would you do be honest just imagine yourself in that position what

[29:07]would you do yes brother that racism is there even though the

[29:36]parents don't vocalize it it's more of a problem with the financial

[29:49]situation you mean if both of both of these factors are involved

[29:54]someone from another culture or race and financially is not that stable

[30:04]the financial factor right the racial factor is more of an issue

[30:09]for us than the financial factor yes that is true and the

[30:14]reason why it's so important for us the racial factor is because

[30:18]we normally operate based on our culture our culture is so deeply

[30:27]rooted in us we want to do everything based on my cultural

[30:30]expectations i don't care if it's right or wrong i don't care

[30:34]if it's complicating things or simplifying things it doesn't matter that's how

[30:37]it's to be done it's going to be done that way the

[30:42]prophet struggled with this when the prophet brought islam to mecca and

[30:45]medina what was the biggest challenge those pagans and mecca they did

[30:51]not want to give up their cultural values their cultural values blocked

[30:55]them from seeing the truth you don't think allah is going to

[31:00]try you in the 21st century through your cultural expectations how many

[31:06]times do we violate the hack and the truth because we see

[31:12]everything from a cultural lens maybe we can't do anything for the

[31:19]older generation but your generation you can my dear brothers and sisters

[31:23]take these values inshaallah one day all of you you're going to

[31:29]raise families know these differences decipher between culture and religion instill in

[31:34]your children in your own families the proper values that the prophet

[31:39]saw allah brought for humanity you can do that maybe i can

[31:43]change the older generation my parents mentality i may not be able

[31:46]to do that in fact if i want to do that it

[31:50]will cause so much friction i can't but i can work on

[31:54]the younger generation that's something that we all can do my dear

[31:57]brothers and sisters now as we speak about the second factor here

[32:02]there's one sensitive point i'd like to share with you and that

[32:07]is the issue of marrying converts people who embrace the religion of

[32:13]islam from a different religious background you know the the irony in

[32:19]our communities is that when a person converts right when a non-muslim

[32:23]let's say a fellow american converts to islam we get so happy

[32:30]we get excited they come on stage they say the shahada we

[32:34]all do what for them we clap for them we cheer for

[32:39]them but then when what ends up happening we do the first

[32:46]step really well but the second step in terms of really embracing

[32:52]them and integrating them amongst our friends in our society in the

[32:58]community we don't do a do we don't do a good job

[33:00]and i'm being very honest with you that's a challenge that we

[33:05]have generally in our communities we're not that supportive of converts remember

[33:10]people who convert do you know how much they sacrifice you know

[33:15]what they give up many of them give up their family ties

[33:18]their circle of friends i know of a convert her father kicked

[33:24]her out of the house she lost all but two of her

[33:30]friends she fell into severe depression she felt abandoned by everyone that's

[33:34]not easy we have to support them the prophet would support those

[33:39]people who embraced islam he would go out of his way to

[33:42]accommodate them to tend to their needs to welcome them not just

[33:45]on day one by cheering for them and clapping for them but

[33:49]to be with them throughout the entire journey many of them go

[33:55]through so much difficulty i know a convert for for months this

[34:01]convert had to pray saratov shah in the bathroom have you ever

[34:09]had to do that imagine because of the fear because of the

[34:16]retaliation from her family imagine having to pray in the bathroom do

[34:22]we show that support they're making big sacrifices but we don't really

[34:28]welcome them into our communities and then the issue of marriage comes

[34:35]up when one of them wants to get married the brother wants

[34:36]to get married who converted the sister who converted wants to get

[34:42]married then we have our cultural expectations working in this issue now

[34:48]there's two aspects i would like to share with you and then

[34:54]i will weigh in my perspective here there's one perspective that tells

[34:58]you look say it i have to be realistic here i know

[35:02]this person is a convert may allah bless him i'll pray for

[35:07]him i'll help him but i don't really feel secure and safe

[35:12]to give him my daughter i really don't why not because i'm

[35:16]judging him because i don't know how long that will last maybe

[35:22]for a year maybe two years maybe three years and then maybe

[35:27]he'll go back to his previous religion i don't know is it

[35:29]a phase he's going through is it really true commitment and i

[35:32]don't want to put my daughter in a position where five years

[35:36]later he's going to leave the religion of islam that's going to

[35:40]ruin and destroy the family it seems like a very valid concern

[35:48]right so no i don't want to discuss this don't open this

[35:51]discussion with me end of discussion no means no challah you bring

[35:56]me 10 000 people in the community who tell me this person

[35:59]is an angel i don't care that's not something that i'll ever

[36:04]accept so that's one side of the argument the other side of

[36:11]the argument says what let's look at this person i'm not saying

[36:16]if a person converts hey next day let's get them married no

[36:21]if they have an established history in the community two years three

[36:26]years people know them they're really decent they seem committed they have

[36:31]that good faith and you can see that islam has really touched

[36:35]their hearts better than millions of muslims who don't even know what

[36:39]islam is all about then you're obligated to give them a chance

[36:42]give them that opportunity nobody knows what will happen in the future

[36:48]but to deny them just because their converts is not okay that's

[36:55]not something acceptable by allah during the time of the prophets during

[36:59]the time of the imams there were people companions would convert once

[37:04]they show decency commitment devotion the prophet would give them a chance

[37:08]the imams would give them a chance so we also have to

[37:16]do that these are two opposing sides here before i share with

[37:22]you my perspective on this let's hear from you guys what do

[37:26]you guys think about this scenario this is the scenario that constantly

[37:28]happens in this community and other communities yes sister so basically are

[37:55]you asking that if a person is in this situation should they

[37:59]just go ahead and get buried without their parents approval right so

[38:13]what can you tell your parents if they're just saying no they're

[38:17]not willing to listen right what do you do with parents like

[38:22]that my recommendation to address that question here do your best to

[38:27]lobby for your case do your best be creative sometimes we want

[38:32]something as they say in arabic the arabic expression goes you can

[38:36]pull it up from under the ground if you want something you

[38:40]can make it happen try try your best be creative you know

[38:45]people whom your parents respect have them talk to your parents let

[38:51]them advocate on your behalf maybe a respected scholar in the community

[38:55]can advocate on your behalf do your best then we've got two

[39:01]outcomes here if they still say no right if they say yes

[39:05]okay we don't have an issue if they say no if it's

[39:11]a soft no right what i mean by soft no okay look

[39:14]we still don't prefer this but fine i mean if that's what

[39:19]you want yeah go ahead and you really think this person is

[39:24]good you've done your research that's fine in the end marriage is

[39:28]your choice not your parents choice that's the third point that we'll

[39:32]talk about soon to make that distinction between culture and religion islam

[39:35]has given that choice in your hands they don't own you our

[39:41]parents are the most beautiful source of guidance in our lives we

[39:44]kiss their hands we respect them they have the greatest rights on

[39:50]us but they don't own us it's our decision if it's a

[39:54]hard no that means if you proceed you will go at war

[39:59]with them even if they've been illogical they've been irrational right i

[40:07]wouldn't recommend that you proceed because you will be in a position

[40:12]where there's going to be constant tension with your parents how can

[40:18]you live happily like that you want to be on good terms

[40:21]with your parents so that you know they embrace your family tomorrow

[40:23]and charlie have children you're part of the family but if the

[40:26]parents are going to say hard no that's it sometimes parents are

[40:30]willing to disown their children because of this reason it's not worth

[40:36]it i know it's your choice but it's not worth it it's

[40:39]it's not wise to put yourself in that position because you won't

[40:43]be happy you always see your mom and dad they're not happy

[40:46]and then your husband gets frustrated because of their irrationality and then

[40:50]you get caught in between it's not worth it yes sister okay

[41:07]if the parents consistently and repeatedly keep saying no there are parents

[41:15]who do that by the way parents the father legally has guardianship

[41:22]over his unmarried daughter that means if she wants to get married

[41:27]it should be with his consent and the reason why it's not

[41:29]put that condition is to protect the daughter so no one you

[41:32]know takes advantage of her so that the guardian knows this is

[41:37]good for her but if the guardian is repeatedly saying no unjustifiably

[41:42]islamically his guardianship drops yes ask all the scholars his guardianship willaya

[41:52]over the daughter drops it's nullified if he repeatedly keeps rejecting good

[41:57]suitors decent people islamically she no longer needs her father's permission she

[42:05]can marry someone who is decent but again i go back to

[42:09]the previous point you don't want you know a scenario of constant

[42:14]tension with your parents be creative in how you navigate that because

[42:18]you could set up yourself you know for crisis and it's not

[42:22]worth it to do that but yes islamically speaking put the culture

[42:26]to the side islamically speaking the father has no right at that

[42:31]point his authority drops it's nullified so let's go back to the

[42:35]question that i posed to you here the the issue of of

[42:39]the of a convert getting married you heard both sides what do

[42:55]you guys say yes sister it's more acceptable because it's the mother

[43:07]who's going to raise the children so the sister is suggesting that

[43:11]if the man is marrying a convert woman you know maybe that's

[43:14]not a good idea it's not right because she doesn't know much

[43:19]about the islamic values and she will play a big role in

[43:22]raising the children and educating them so you don't want to put

[43:26]yourself in that position but what if she's demonstrated you know in

[43:30]a few years that she understands islamic values more than muslims you

[43:34]think all muslims know islam what if she's really demonstrated that she

[43:42]understands islamic beliefs concepts practices and remember islam is not that complicated

[43:48]if she's if she demonstrates competence in terms of spirituality in terms

[43:55]of knowing islamic principles then what would you say okay so if

[44:03]she does sure you would accept that right it would be okay

[44:06]but there are parents who still won't be open to that is

[44:09]that islam or is that culture now okay so what about the

[44:17]history of the person if the person had disturbing history or unknown

[44:23]history disturbing history see it also depends on how disturbing that history

[44:29]is right because you also don't want to put yourself in a

[44:33]position where you know it's going to be the talk of the

[44:36]town and you know the haki and the talk of the people

[44:38]is going to distract you and depress you and not allow you

[44:43]to you know be focused we believe in toba and repentance and

[44:46]that allah gives us no opportunities but if it's that disturbing of

[44:50]a history then i mean i guess the parents could have valid

[44:54]concerns here because they know this is going to be a huge

[44:59]uh you know social dilemma for them and maybe they just don't

[45:04]they can't they want to handle all that pressure and stress i

[45:07]can understand in some cases that would be a valid concern but

[45:10]if it's not that it's what if it's not to that extent

[45:15]you know you don't really see any disturbing history yeah maybe the

[45:19]history is not that known to you but there are no indications

[45:25]of a disturbing history then then you would say it's okay any

[45:29]other thoughts about this point here yes sister very valid observation here

[46:02]let me share with you my perspective on this one see on

[46:05]the one hand there are valid concerns because we do have examples

[46:12]in the community and elsewhere of a convert five years ten years

[46:19]later queening islam and that destroys the family i myself i know

[46:22]of a few cases where initially the convert seemed really good so

[46:26]passionate about the religion of islam they got married they had children

[46:32]in one particular case that convert i don't know something happened in

[46:39]the media you know things happen sometimes and he started to watch

[46:44]extremist media here in the country and then one day he came

[46:47]to his family and he started cursing prophet muhammed that's it the

[46:56]family was ruined they separated i understand these cases can happen and

[47:00]you always hear the parents citing some cases like that that's on

[47:05]the one hand but on the other hand we also have to

[47:09]be fair and realistic here if this person has demonstrated that they

[47:13]are stable in their decision they're not just going through a phase

[47:17]and sometimes when you sit with them you know you talk to

[47:21]them you know whether they've absorbed islamic teachings or not and believe

[47:26]me some of them they show better competence than muslims if it's

[47:31]a case like that and the person is really decent and your

[47:36]daughter is interested in this person not because of some you know

[47:40]love chemistry issue no but because she admires his qualities she really

[47:44]knows what she's getting herself into she knows what she's subscribing to

[47:50]then at that point don't give preference to culture over religion religion

[47:58]tells you if this person is decent has good athlete good character

[48:02]humble good-hearted and right now he shows devotion to religion accept him

[48:06]accept him don't go to war with your daughter because of that

[48:10]that's not fair allah has not given you such authority and you

[48:17]know what one another counter argument that i would share here many

[48:21]people think this way they'll tell you say it are you going

[48:27]to guarantee that he's going to say muslim all of his life

[48:30]no i don't have such guarantee but my question to you is

[48:35]if she marries another fellow muslim do you have a guarantee that

[48:37]he's going to take care of her throughout his entire life and

[48:41]be good to her and not abuse her allah give me that

[48:44]guarantee then i'll give you the other guarantee there's no guarantees and

[48:48]the best example look at what's happening in the community look at

[48:53]divorce cases look at the abusive relationships that we have don't think

[48:58]that if a muslim who's born a muslim is going to marry

[49:02]your daughter that's a guarantee that she's going to be happy no

[49:06]there's no such thing as long as you're being wise you're understanding

[49:10]the various perspectives that's okay that's fine so that's my perspective on

[49:14]that i understand these concerns that's why i said you need to

[49:19]see some history as well if they've been active in the community

[49:21]people know them and you feel confident look it's not just a

[49:26]phase see some parents are not even willing to sit with them

[49:29]and to get to know them well like they're not even willing

[49:32]they start yelling and screaming the minute you open the subject with

[49:36]them you don't have that right at least give it a chance

[49:38]sit with the young man sit with him see what he says

[49:45]and then if you have valid concerns after that okay then maybe

[49:48]you could be justified in saying no but for you to not

[49:54]even give the opportunity to know about him know about his his

[49:57]history to know the friends who know him in the community that's

[50:00]not fair that is absolutely not fair islam does not allow you

[50:06]to say to another muslim even though he's just been muslim for

[50:09]the last two three years islam does not give you the right

[50:12]to say no i don't want to see his face i don't

[50:14]want to hear his voice i don't want to see him parents

[50:18]do that in the community that's not justified from an islamic perspective

[50:23]they are responsible before allah for doing that at least give it

[50:30]a chance and then later if you still have valid concerns okay

[50:32]at least i respect your decision you gave it a chance it

[50:35]didn't work out but for you to not even give it a

[50:41]chance that is simply not fair so this is one very important

[50:47]area my dear brothers and sisters as we discuss religion and culture

[50:52]briefly you know you mentioned the issue of having a say in

[50:55]marriage i know different cultures have different practices islam gives the sake

[51:00]to the you know man and the woman nobody can force them

[51:03]but we have different cultures we need to separate between culture and

[51:08]religion once i was in canada a young man told us how

[51:12]his parents got married he comes from you know south south eastern

[51:17]europe so he says in that village 40 50 years ago this

[51:22]was the custom that one day the village leaders would throw out

[51:28]like a celebration a party and basically they would bring the girls

[51:32]the daughters like 20 30 of them they would stand next to

[51:37]each other then they would have the boys the guys stand next

[51:42]to each other and then basically the guy walks up to one

[51:46]of the girls and he steps on her feet to signal that

[51:51]he's chosen her so he says my mom was sitting and she

[51:55]saw this young man coming who was like a feet shorter than

[52:01]her he came she looked at him and he stepped on her

[52:03]feet the tribal leader says okay that's your husband wait i don't

[52:07]want him i want no there's going to be war if you

[52:09]say no and he said they imposed it on my parents different

[52:14]cultures do it differently islam says in the end you cannot you

[52:21]cannot you cannot force anyone into marriage you can give them recommendations

[52:28]you can give them guidance if you really think this is a

[52:33]good opportunity okay you can appropriately pressure them appropriately and by pressure

[52:37]that i mean you know just keep giving them advice but to

[52:41]force them to really push them no allah subhanahu ta'ala has not

[52:45]given us that right marriage must be a hundred percent consensual according

[52:50]to islamic law he has to consent she has to consent this

[52:56]is an area that we also need to differentiate when it comes

[53:00]to the issue of marriage another area very briefly my dear brothers

[53:03]and sisters we're approaching the end of the program i would like

[53:07]to briefly examine this also from an islamic and cultural perspective and

[53:11]that's the issue of divorcees people who get divorced in the community

[53:17]especially the woman how does the community view her let me hear

[53:27]some thoughts from you louder she's out of the market so she's

[53:34]viewed negatively would you agree let me see a show of hands

[53:40]that generally our communities they stigmatize divorcees especially the girl would you

[53:46]agree with that that this is how a lot of our communities

[53:50]and cultures view them yes that is the case most of you

[53:55]raised your hands is that islamic or not does islam have a

[53:59]problem with the person who's divorced no and what's the best example

[54:04]we can say prophet muhammad most of the woman that he married

[54:12]in medina he married lady khadija after lady khadija passed away yes

[54:20]he married a number of women in medina for multiple reasons religious

[54:24]social political reasons humanitarian reasons most of the women he married were

[54:34]what louder widows and divorcees in that society at the time of

[54:43]the prophet sallallahu alaihi a widow especially but also a divorcee a

[54:48]widow was seen as a second-class citizen that's someone that you know

[54:55]you're not really interested in but the prophet salallahu shatters these barriers

[55:00]by making it making it a point that he would marry a

[55:06]divorcee he would marry a who a widow to make it very

[55:10]clear that the religion of islam does not stigmatize we have this

[55:16]idea that if a person got divorced especially the girl she's a

[55:21]bad person she's a trouble maker we stigmatize them that's not fair

[55:27]there are some people who got divorced circumstances happened they were not

[55:32]at fault it was their trial and they're more decent than many

[55:35]people in the community and that would not be fair to judge

[55:42]them like that so we have to make a distinction my dear

[55:44]brothers and sisters between the islamic position and between our cultural expectations

[55:51]yes when a person is divorced naturally you want to have an

[55:56]idea if you you know want to marry them you want to

[55:59]have an idea of what of what happened right because you don't

[56:03]want that happening to you that's valid it's okay for you to

[56:09]you know without digging into their past but just briefly asking them

[56:11]you know what is it that led to the divorce you have

[56:16]the right to ask that's okay but for you to judge without

[56:19]knowing to stigmatize that's something that the religion of islam does not

[56:23]accept my dear brothers and sisters that is a type of turmoil

[56:28]that's a type of backbiting that allah subhanahu ta'ala will not forgive

[56:33]us for so this is also one aspect of our discussion when

[56:38]we talk about marriage and we try to differentiate between culture and

[56:43]religion any final thoughts or examples that you have something that is

[56:50]cultural but is not religious that you'd like to quickly discuss before

[56:56]we wrap up any challenges that you've seen yes brother yes okay

[57:17]that's a very good question when we talk about marriage between sunni

[57:26]and shia what's our position on that let's first state the fikki

[57:31]perspective the legal perspective and then i will share your mind with

[57:36]you my suggestion from a legal 50 perspective are muslims and a

[57:42]muslim can marry any other muslim so from a legal fikki perspective

[57:48]this marriage is acceptable it's allowed however there are several things to

[57:56]consider for those who may want to go that route because you

[57:59]need to know what to expect you need to sort out certain

[58:03]things if not it could lead to a lot of problems in

[58:06]the future so let's say we have a shia person interested in

[58:11]a sunni or a sunni initial person what happens is the following

[58:16]in a lot of cases right now they're in love they accept

[58:20]each other they're flexible they're accommodating they don't really bring you know

[58:26]those issues from their school of thought or from their culture but

[58:31]then they get married they settle down they start having children and

[58:39]then two things happen one is one of them or two of

[58:43]them start to become more devout and committed to their school of

[58:47]thought and faith and they want to raise their children according to

[58:52]what their school of thought that many times leads to what tension

[58:58]the shia parent wants the children to grow up according to the

[59:04]alien bait school of thought the sunni parent wants them to grow

[59:08]up according to their school of god it's not always easy to

[59:13]navigate these things many times tension happens and that tension can really

[59:18]make the marriage suffer you have to be aware of that consequence

[59:23]the second thing that could happen is in-laws now we have the

[59:30]children their grandparents the shia grandparents what will they want the sunday

[59:34]grandparents what will they want and then there's pressure from both sides

[59:40]or one side and then the husband and the wife are like

[59:42]look we didn't sign up for this we agreed that for instance

[59:46]i want my children to grow up according to that invade school

[59:49]of thought i thought we agreed about that yeah but you know

[59:52]things have changed you know i don't want to upset my parents

[59:56]and that could lead to a lot of tension so here's the

[60:01]verdict here if you're confident you've worked out a solid agreement that

[60:07]you will have the flexibility to raise your children according to the

[60:12]admin made school of thought because the prophet said after me quran

[60:17]if you're confident that you have made such an agreement and that

[60:23]your potential spouse will follow through and that the in-laws are understanding

[60:28]of this and from day one there's clarity that you will raise

[60:33]your children according to the adam bates school of thought and no

[60:36]one will pressure you to switch your school of thought because that

[60:39]happens too if you're really confident and you've done that research you've

[60:44]made all those agreements no objection no problem if you're not confident

[60:49]you've not done that i would invite you to think of these

[60:54]consequences that we discuss you don't want to put yourself in a

[60:57]position like that because it will be detrimental to the marital relationship

[61:02]any other final thoughts before we conclude sisters any other examples you

[61:12]you have heard about or you know about of when culture can

[61:17]clash with religious principles or values yes brother why woman cannot marry

[61:30]someone from the people of the book that's a very good question

[61:35]according to islamic law a muslim man may marry a woman who

[61:40]is christian or jewish from the people of the book in certain

[61:44]situations scholars by the way have different um perspectives on this when

[61:49]it comes to permanent marriage many of them don't allow it so

[61:57]also be aware of that ruling how come vice versa islam does

[61:59]not recognize that very briefly this is a long discussion that has

[62:04]many aspects but very briefly historically because the husband had the guardianship

[62:09]in most cultures and most societies even until today don't just look

[62:13]at your own western society look at the global village right historically

[62:19]because the husband was the guardian usually the husband's religion would determine

[62:24]the religion of the family and islam did not want the husband

[62:30]to be non-muslim because the non-muslim faith would eventually be imposed on

[62:36]the family historically that has been the case yes today we see

[62:39]some shifts in societies but historically that has been the case yes

[62:42]the mother is instrumental in raising the children but because the guardianship

[62:46]was for the husband he decided what the religion was until today

[62:51]if you go to many parts of the world that still holds

[62:56]true so islam wanted to avoid a situation like that secondly because

[63:00]the husband in most cultures has that financial authority or other types

[63:07]of authority if the husband does not recognize the religion of his

[63:16]wife let's say he's christian and she's muslim the christian husband says

[63:20]basically even if he loves her and respects her i don't believe

[63:24]in your prophet she believes in his prophet she respects prophet isaiah

[63:30]the word of god she believes that he is one of the

[63:34]greatest creations of allah so she respects jesus she's not going to

[63:39]insult jesus in front of her husband because as a muslim she

[63:41]respects jesus but if she's the muslim he's the non-muslim he doesn't

[63:47]recognize her prophet as a prophet and in reality in reality those

[63:54]who reject the prophethood of prophet muhammad when you ask them historically

[64:00]it's documented that in seventh century arabia a man emerged right and

[64:05]he claimed to be a prophet and he brought holy scriptures if

[64:10]you reject his prophethood what are you really saying here that he

[64:16]brought a false message naturally naturally and non-muslim would not have that

[64:23]respect for the prophet salallahu like you do for previous prophets with

[64:27]previous prophets you love them you respect them you recognize allah subhanahu

[64:34]ta'ala gave them authority we revere them but they don't in most

[64:38]cases so islam does not want the woman to be in a

[64:44]position where her husband who in most societies has some sort of

[64:50]guardianship to not recognize her prophet because that puts her in a

[64:55]situation where he could pressure her or he could insult the prophet

[64:57]in front of her islam does not want that these are just

[65:00]some very brief reasons there are others as well my dear brothers

[65:05]and sisters it was a great honor to continue the second series

[65:10]tonight with you inshallah it was a productive discussion for all of

[65:22]us may allah bless you all wassalamualaikum

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