Family Dynamics: Causes of Family Destruction - Sayed Saleh Qazwini - AICC

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In Lectures

Lecture delivered at the American Islamic Community Center - Madison Heights, Michigan.

Transcript

[0:08]muhamed respected brothers and sisters we have begun a series a couple

[0:45]of lectures on the family Dynamics and in the first session several

[0:53]weeks ago we talked about the importance of the family and then

[0:59]we talked about the roles and the respons responsibilities that everyone has

[1:02]within a family and tonight inshallah we will be discussing some of

[1:10]the things that are a form of Destruction for the family what

[1:14]destroys the family what are some challenges that most families deal with

[1:20]today that cause the breakup of the family and the lack of

[1:27]love and lack of commitment within the family we mentioned that the

[1:36]family is supposed to be a safe space it's supposed to be

[1:41]a healthy environment a healthy place where every member of the family

[1:45]should feel loved should feel honored should feel respected they should feel

[1:54]the tranquility and the compassion Allah says in the Quran one of

[2:06]the main purposes of having a family one of the main purposes

[2:13]that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala created pairs the male and the female

[2:17]is for the purpose of for the purpose of Tranquility Allah subhah

[2:25]wants us to be at this in a state of Tranquility in

[2:34]a state of calmness while we are with our families it's also

[2:38]a place of love and a place of Mercy in another verse

[2:45]Allah says the family is supposed to be a source of a

[3:00]source of Joy a source of happiness for the members involved in

[3:08]the family and similarly Allah subhanahu wa taala says in the Quran

[3:14]that the husband and the wife are supposed to be like lias

[3:18]for one another like clothing for one another how is that supposed

[3:32]to be what's the purpose of clothing when you wear clothes what

[3:36]is the purpose of the clothing one is that it gives you

[3:39]protection it protects you from the weather from the cold weather from

[3:48]the hot weather second is that it conceals your private parts it

[3:51]conceals your body if there's something that you want to hide in

[3:55]your body use your clothes to cover it and third it's a

[4:01]form of beautification your clothes are a form of Beauty for you

[4:05]people are beautified by the clothes that they're wearing so Subhan Allah

[4:09]Allah subhah wa ta'ala discusses the family the husband with the wife

[4:14]and the wife with the husband as a form of because this

[4:21]is the role of the family you're supposed to protect one another

[4:25]you're supposed to you're supposed to conceal the faults if someone has

[4:30]a done something wrong you cover up for this person you don't

[4:36]come and expose this person and you beautify one another you bring

[4:40]out what's good what's beautiful in one another but we see that

[4:46]when a family is broken when a family Dynamics are gone then

[4:50]you will start finding that there is no love there is no

[4:56]sukon Tranquility there's no compassion within the household and when a household

[5:02]is broken it's not just going to be the house that's broken

[5:04]a lot of times couples they're getting divorced or they're fighting they

[5:08]come and they say you know what we're just our our marriage

[5:13]isn't working anymore whenever there's a divorce Whenever there is a breakup

[5:18]with within a family that means that the first who pays the

[5:22]price are the relatives and the children and everyone involved in the

[5:28]family because a family is it's a Ser several relationships you have

[5:34]the relationship of the husband and the wife the relationship of the

[5:38]parents and the children the siblings with one another whenever there's a

[5:42]breakup all of these relationships are going to be tested and not

[5:47]only the family but in fact society as a whole will suffer

[5:52]whenever a family is broken up because every single member in the

[6:00]family requires and needs needs of a father for example every single

[6:04]person needs a mother whenever there's a breakup whenever there's a divorce

[6:09]you find a lot of times that the children they're separated from

[6:12]their parents they're separated from their father now there's no father in

[6:16]the house now there's no mother in the house now there's that

[6:19]relationship bond that keeps the family secure and loving and compassionate and

[6:26]that relationship that brings the Tranquility within the family does not exist

[6:31]anymore and this is why my dear brothers and sisters Islam focuses

[6:35]on the family when Islam focuses on the family when Islam says

[6:41]get married and preserve the marriage and you have roles and responsibilities

[6:46]and duties within the family it's not just because Allah subhah wa

[6:50]taala wants to get involved in our lives no because if a

[6:53]marriage is broken that will lead to society being broken if a

[7:01]marriage and the family is not fulfilling its duties if people don't

[7:06]find comfort and serenity and peace and Tranquility within the family then

[7:10]they're going to start searching for it outside the family and that's

[7:14]where you have a broken Society that's where you will find a

[7:18]broken Community this is why from an Islamic perspective it is the

[7:25]duty of society to make sure that the marriages are are healthy

[7:28]see one of of something that makes Islam different from other religions

[7:33]is a very important concept and this is the concept of enjoying

[7:41]the good and forbidding the evil in Islam we all have a

[7:47]duty to enjoy the good meaning if you see someone not doing

[7:51]something correctly you come and you tell this person if you see

[7:54]someone doing something wrong if you see someone jumping off a bridge

[8:00]you come and say you know what I have nothing to do

[8:02]with this this is everyone everyone they make their own decisions they

[8:06]do whatever they want no from an Islamic perspective you are all

[8:16]Shepherds and you are all responsible you all you all have responsibilities

[8:20]so even if I see a couple that I know them a

[8:24]family and they're going through difficulties right now should I just sit

[8:28]on the sideline and say you know what let me not get

[8:29]involved no from an Islamic perspective we have to every single member

[8:38]of the community has to do whatever they can to try to

[8:41]preserve the family because when a family is broken don't just look

[8:47]at it as one family here no when that family is broken

[8:50]you will find that slowly everyone in the community will pay the

[8:53]price and Society will break apart as a result this is why

[8:59]the the Hadith says look at the beauty of Islam this is

[9:09]a from from as well if you find two people two brothers

[9:17]two family members two of the doesn't have to be husband and

[9:22]bringing two together if you are able to bring peace between them

[9:31]the reward is how much what does that mean that means that

[9:40]if you're able to bring two people together two people they're not

[9:45]talking they're they're upset with one another you bring them together the

[9:49]reward is greater than all of Salah and all of fasting imagine

[9:55]that this is the beauty of Islam this is the beauty this

[10:01]is the that the religion of Islam instills within us and if

[10:05]you see a couple that have children that have a family if

[10:11]you see them they're on the brink of divorce if you see

[10:13]that they're going through trouble you have a duty to try to

[10:17]get involved you have a duty now some people they just want

[10:19]to get involved to hear the gossip to hear what's going on

[10:23]oh yeah did you hear they're upset with one another they're fighting

[10:26]some people they're in it just for that but no islamically we

[10:29]are are supposed to try to bring people together and Allah says

[10:32]in the Quran if you are afraid that they're fighting with one

[10:44]another a couple a husband and wife Newly Weds they've been married

[10:46]for a year or whatever if you're afraid that they're they're they're

[10:52]sh they're fighting with one another send a h a judge from

[11:00]her family and a judge from his if they want if they

[11:07]want reform Allah will give them the reform Sometimes some people they

[11:09]say I don't want reform I don't want to find a solution

[11:14]they shut all of the doors Allah says if they want it

[11:16]Allah subhanahu waala will bring it and here my dear brothers and

[11:23]sisters this is the role of the community this is the role

[11:25]of the elderly in the community and it is also the role

[11:29]of the mosques the mosque is not just a place where we

[11:31]go and we pray and we you know listen to lectures the

[11:36]mosque is supposed to be a hub the mosque is supposed to

[11:39]be a place where we find solutions to our problems if a

[11:44]person is going through a problem come to the mosque and try

[11:47]to find the solution try to bring people together and it's the

[11:50]job of the clergy Sometimes some people they think that the sheh

[11:55]or the say in the Masjid let me call them when I

[11:58]want to get married and I'll call them when I want to

[12:00]get divorced no questions asked let them give me the divorce let

[12:05]them give me the marriage now marriage yes we welcome it whoever

[12:07]wants to get married we'll do the marriage of course marriage also

[12:11]requires some people they go and they say y let's get married

[12:16]do you know what responsibilities you're getting yourself into do you know

[12:21]what duties that you have when you get into this relationship because

[12:24]you're entering into a contract marriage is a contract are you going

[12:30]to go sign a contract with a company with a person without

[12:32]knowing what your duties and responsibilities are we don't do that but

[12:36]a lot of people when it comes to marriage they go and

[12:39]they make sure that they have the hall set up and the

[12:40]dka band that come and and they sing for us and they

[12:45]dance for us and the cake and all of these things but

[12:49]we don't know what responsibilities we have when it's actual time to

[12:52]get married so this is one and more importantly some people they

[12:56]call say y I want to get divorced now that's not the

[13:01]job of the sheh and the say yes the job of the

[13:06]Sheikh and the say and the clergy is to councel before giving

[13:09]a divorce you can't just come and give a divorce just for

[13:12]the heck of it but sometimes you tell them you know what

[13:14]you we have to cancel you they'll say okay bye-bye I'm going

[13:17]to call another she I'm going to call another say this is

[13:21]what happens because some they think that they just they're they're going

[13:26]to skip this part where counseling is very important it's it's very

[13:30]Neary so families when a family breaks apart this causes destruction to

[13:39]the whole Community what is what are some of the main purposes

[13:42]of the destruction of a family and the family Dynamics one my

[13:48]dear brothers and sisters is the lack of commitment within the relationship

[13:54]when you when you get married you're in a relationship and and

[13:59]in order to keep that relationship healthy every single member within the

[14:04]relationship within the family they have to fulfill their duties and their

[14:10]responsibilities right if you're for example working the job is going to

[14:18]keep you as long as you're you're doing your job as long

[14:20]as you're doing your end of the deal when it comes to

[14:25]marriage when it comes to family a lot of people they're worried

[14:28]in the beginning oh oh I they she has to accept me

[14:32]or he has to come and propose to me let me try

[14:35]my best and then once they're married the guy is laying on

[14:37]the couch he's not doing any of the responsibilities the TV he's

[14:41]watching TV and the wife is not doing any of her responsibilities

[14:46]that means that they gave up on the family there was a

[14:49]time when they were first Newly Weds they were passionate they were

[14:52]excited about the relationship but then as the years passed 10 years

[14:59]20 years 15 seniors whatever they have children they started losing that

[15:04]Bond and losing that commitment that they had to the family now

[15:08]there's no effort now there's no care and this my dear brothers

[15:14]and sisters is the number one cause of divorce in America when

[15:19]people lose touch with their loved ones when they lose that commitment

[15:23]they don't treat it as if they have a responsibility as if

[15:26]they have a duty when you want to go to work you

[15:28]get up you take a show hour you're you prepare yourself and

[15:32]you go to work but in the first few years when you're

[15:34]married you start you know some people they they try their best

[15:39]and then later on they don't even give effort in it that

[15:42]lack of effort will slowly bring the marriage away from its purpose

[15:50]and away from its goal and the goal is love and tranquility

[15:52]and safety and a feeling of security so as we mentioned marriage

[16:01]it requires a person to be active you have to be actively

[16:07]involved even if you've been married for a very long time you

[16:10]have to be actively involved and know that you have duties if

[16:13]you've lost respect for the person you're married to at least know

[16:18]that you have duties in the eyes of Allah subhana wa tala

[16:20]some people they say I don't respect my husband anymore I don't

[16:23]respect my wife anymore know that you're at least in a relationship

[16:29]that God is watching and since God is watching then you still

[16:32]have to fulfill your end of the deal you still have to

[16:37]fulfill your duties and your responsibilities sometimes people say yeah but they're

[16:39]not doing their job at the on the day of judgment Allah

[16:43]is not going to ask me about what this person did and

[16:47]what that person did Allah is going to ask me what was

[16:49]your job what did you do they are going to be asked

[16:54]but what's God going to expect from me is what did I

[16:59]do and we have to be prep prepared to answer what did

[17:01]we do when it came to to fulfilling our duties and responsibilities

[17:05]within a relationship second my dear brothers and sisters we mentioned that

[17:10]the first problem is the lack of commitment people feel cold there's

[17:14]sometimes another problem and that is selfishness sometimes people know they're committed

[17:21]but they're only committed for themselves they're only in it for their

[17:25]own pleasure they're only in it for their own satisfaction and this

[17:28]is what a selfish person is a selfish person doesn't care if

[17:33]the wife is suffering or if the husband is suffering if the

[17:37]children are suffering let me I want to do what I want

[17:40]to do she cooks she cleans she prepares she does everything I

[17:42]want to go every night I want to sit and smoke my

[17:45]arila and I don't want anyone to talk to me this is

[17:47]how some are and it could also be the other way around

[17:51]sometimes the husband is working he's struggling he's trying to provide for

[17:55]the family and bring the family together and the wife should she's

[17:59]out doing her own thing as if she's living in another world

[18:03]this selfishness ends up destroying the relationship sometimes high expectations when one

[18:15]person expects more from the other expecting the other person to take

[18:20]on the burden and the responsibility this is also not fair he

[18:27]told when she first got married to IM Ali he gave her

[18:33]one piece of advice and she told that to because one day

[18:38]he comes home and he sees that there's no food so he

[18:44]tells her oh fa there's nothing in the house why didn't you

[18:47]tell me to bring something she says there's nothing for me to

[18:50]cook what am I supposed to cook he tells her why didn't

[18:54]you tell me I would have went and brought something she tells

[18:56]him oh Ali I know that you're a loving person you're a

[19:00]loving father you're a loving husband if you have money you're going

[19:04]to bring when we first got married told me don't hold your

[19:13]husband responsible for something that he can't do so she says I

[19:16]know that you would bring but when I saw that you don't

[19:20]have I didn't come and tell you because that's going to make

[19:23]it difficult for you so theith says he left the house and

[19:29]he went and he borrowed bored he borrowed aam to bring back

[19:33]food for the family to bring back food for the family and

[19:36]there's an ending to this of course on his way back when

[19:42]he's coming back home he sees one of his comp one of

[19:45]the companions of he's also out in the street looking for something

[19:52]to bring tells him what's wrong with you what what are you

[19:55]doing out in the street at this time he tells him I

[19:58]left the house and my children are crying in out of hunger

[20:01]so he takes the that he borrowed and he gives it to

[20:08]that person and he says my family they're used to giving away

[20:11]to the poor and giving to those who are in need he

[20:16]goes home and he sees f zah is in the and there's

[20:19]a tray of food in front of her and is standing there

[20:25]so he tells her oh FAA where is this from he smil

[20:29]s and he tells him oh Ali it was not only that

[20:34]food was brought to her from the heavens fa is no less

[20:39]than maram and Allah brings the food from the Heavens to her

[20:43]but the point of this is that in the beginning she did

[20:47]not expect from so this is a very important issue and even

[20:57]you know some sometimes you find one person is selfish in the

[21:00]relationship the other person is quiet they don't say anything just because

[21:04]they're quiet that doesn't mean God is not watching Allah subhah wa

[21:10]ta'ala is watching if there's oppression within the family Allah will hold

[21:15]the P the oppressor accountable oppression isn't something that just takes place

[21:21]with the Kings and the presidents and the Tyrant no sometimes oppression

[21:25]takes place within a family this is why one of the companions

[21:27]of rasol Allah he was injured in one of the battles they

[21:36]brought him back to Medina andasol Allah participated in his funeral and

[21:41]all of the Muslims they attended rasol Allah buried him his mother

[21:46]she comes and she stands over the grave and she says congratulations

[21:50]you're going straight to paradise Allah looked at her he tells her

[21:56]oh mother of s don't give out paradise on behalf of of

[21:59]Allah because now his body is being crushed they say the reason

[22:06]for that was because he had Bad Manners with his own family

[22:09]maybe he was good with others he was a such a high

[22:14]believer where the Prophet participated in his funeral the Muslims participated in

[22:18]his funeral the Hadith says that the Angels participated in his funeral

[22:23]Allah was walking on his tiptoes in the in the funeral they

[22:29]asked him why he said because of the Angels but he's going

[22:32]to heaven but he's going to have to pay the price for

[22:38]his manners and whatever he had with his family so this is

[22:41]second we said lack of commitment we said selfishness and third Liars

[22:48]lying to one another and being unfaithful to one another this is

[22:52]one of the things that destroys relationships any relationship whether it's with

[22:58]your friends the children with the parents parents with one another business

[23:04]any any relationship if it's based on lies this relationship will not

[23:10]last long yes the liar sometimes they think that they're fooling other

[23:16]people but eventually they get caught eventually they get caught and that

[23:22]relationship will be hurt because trust is the most important thing in

[23:27]any relationship if you have a relation relationship with anyone you're you're

[23:31]going to want have to trust this person for the relationship to

[23:34]carry on if you don't trust this person how far is this

[23:37]relationship going to go and lying is one of the worst sins

[23:55]the the ones who lie they are the ones who do not

[24:00]believe in the signs of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and they reject

[24:05]the signs of Allah and there's a Hadith that says that the

[24:12]key the beginning of every fault is lying every sin the the

[24:17]key to every sin and act of disobedience is lying because you're

[24:22]going to have to lie if you've done anything wrong you're going

[24:27]to have to lie but if you don't lie then you're not

[24:28]going to do anything wrong the one who lies because they try

[24:33]to get themselves out of the problem so when it comes to

[24:35]family when it comes to relationships loyalty and being faithful is very

[24:40]important being honest saying the truth Sometimes some they lie over simple

[24:46]things over Petty issues they lie I've seen sometimes when I you

[24:53]know talk to some couples she lies a simple lie here and

[24:57]there he says one simple lie here and there and then slowly

[25:02]they both stop they both stop trusting one another that's it there's

[25:05]no more trust and then if there's no more trust the relationship

[25:11]falls apart another very important reason for the breakup of families and

[25:17]relationships is anger so we said lack of commitment selfishness lying and

[25:25]Unfaithful and fourth anger when a person is constantly angry some people

[25:31]they can't have one conversation as soon as they start talking to

[25:37]one another suddenly they start yelling at one another this person yells

[25:41]and that persons that will destroy any relationship anger not only will

[25:47]it destroy relationships it will destroy your health it will destroy your

[25:51]own health you find that the people who are angry they have

[25:54]blood pressure they have heart disease they have problems because you're going

[25:59]to destroy your own health when you are angry he says so

[26:05]he said it destroys relationships it destroys your health and it destroys

[26:10]the IM it destroys the faith anger destroys IM and Faith just

[26:23]as vinegar destroys the honey muhamad mam in another from he says

[26:40]it's written in the God told Moses he says Allah tells Musa

[26:55]control your anger from those who you have authority over so for

[26:59]examp example if the father in the house or the mother or

[27:03]someone who's in charge any anyone who's in a position of leadership

[27:08]control your anger Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will not treat this person

[27:14]angrily and tells his son control yourself during the times of anger

[27:28]so that you will not be fuel in the Hellfire you will

[27:34]fuel the Hellfire if you are angry and this is what anger

[27:37]does when someone's angry that anger fuels the fight it makes it

[27:43]even more you try to find a solution but you end up

[27:46]getting making it even worse because of the anger because of the

[27:51]temper and not controlling yourself so this is why there are tips

[27:55]to control a person's anger you control control your anger by for

[28:01]example getting up and doing W control your anger by getting up

[28:05]and praying two ra prayers these are all ways that we can

[28:07]control our anger and the fifth and the final problem that we

[28:15]are mentioning the final reason for the for the fames breaking apart

[28:19]one of the things that I've noticed is when relationships people in

[28:25]the relationship they constantly compare their relationship with others they compareed their

[28:31]house with others my car with others well oh look at her

[28:33]husband he did this this his wife she did this they keep

[28:38]comparing and that is something that ends up destroying relationships don't look

[28:43]at what other people have if you're going to constantly look at

[28:46]what other people have you're not going to keep any pleasure for

[28:49]yourself because all there's always someone who's going to have something better

[28:53]than what you have and if you're always going to be looking

[28:55]at what other people have then you're not going to find any

[29:01]happiness in life be happy with what you have be be happy

[29:03]be content with the blessings that Allah subhanahu waala has given you

[29:10]say alhamdulillah praise Allah for the blessings Allah says in the Quran

[29:26]don't stretch your ey because they're being tested with it Allah what

[29:33]what Allah has given you is better for you and says the

[29:42]one who's always looking at what's in the hands of others they're

[29:45]always going to be sad because you're always not going to have

[29:50]what everyone else has and you're never going to be satisfied these

[29:53]are some of the causes of the destruction of families we ask

[29:57]Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to bless you all and to bless all

[30:04]of the families before I conclude there is going to be a

[30:07]drive by fundraising uh due to the pandemic the AIC is holding

[30:15]a drive-thru fundraising Sunday December 13th my dear brothers and sisters this

[30:23]Masjid is they're they're planning on on uh building a Masjid and

[30:27]you all know where the land is and this is something that

[30:32]is for the good of the whole community of the whole Muslim

[30:34]Community so everyone should try to CHP in as much as you

[30:40]can do whatever you can anything that you can help so this

[30:42]time Sunday December 13th 2020 from 10:00 a.m.

[30:46]to 400 p.m.

[30:49]and you could also send your checks via PayPal or um via

[30:53]um writing a check to AIC and drop it off alhamdulillah m

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