Building God Centered Marriages and Families - Dr. Sayed Hadi Qazwini

11 المشاهدات· 25/07/04

Al-Rasoul Islamic Society
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Al-Rasoul Islamic Society || Halifax - Canada

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[0:00][Music] In a world that often commodifies love, romanticizes love, a world

[0:23]that trivializes commitments and relationships, we find that Islam has elevated the

[0:34]institution of marriage and considers marriage as a sacred institution.

[0:42]It is a sacred bond and a sacred covenant.

[0:48]The holy prophet Muhammad Sam Muhammad Ali Muhammad He describes Islam, he

[1:03]describes marriage as the most beloved of institutions in the eyes of

[1:09]Allah.

[1:10]He says, Marriage is the most beloved institution.

[1:22]Why?

[1:22]Because marriage in Islam is sacred.

[1:26]Marriage in Islam is not just about two individuals who have fallen

[1:33]in love and they are living with one another and they are

[1:38]enjoying one another.

[1:38]Marriage in Islam is sacred.

[1:41]It is a divine covenant, a divine trust, an ama, a trust

[1:48]from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala upon human beings.

[1:52]And when we come to our teachings, we find that they emphasize

[1:57]the significance of marriage.

[1:58]And they tell us that marriage serves two main objectives or two

[2:05]main functions.

[2:06]The first of these functions according to our teachings that marriage serves

[2:14]is procreation.

[2:15]It allows us to reproduce a healthy and a legitimate and a

[2:26]righteous progeny.

[2:27]The prophet sallallah.aihi wasallam he says in the famous tradition He says,

[2:46]"Get married and reproduce a progeny, procreate, for on the day of

[2:52]judgment, I will boast among the nations.

[2:54]I will boast among my nation." Now some people they hear this

[3:02]and they assume that the idea is just to get married and

[3:06]to reproduce right just to have more kids.

[3:10]You know sometimes mashallah some couples they're like factories 2025 model 2026

[3:17]model 2027 model and so on.

[3:20]Yes it's good.

[3:23]It's important to have a large progeny.

[3:26]But what is more important, whatool wants from us is not just

[3:31]quantity.

[3:31]He wants quality.

[3:34]Marriage provides us with an avenue to raise successful children.

[3:43]Children who are God conscious.

[3:48]Families who are God conscious.

[3:49]Families who at the top of their minds is their relationship with

[3:56]Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

[3:57]Families who are able to not just be successful in their worldly

[4:07]endeavors, that they become smart, that they go to a good school,

[4:11]that they get a good job, that they make money.

[4:15]But families that are able to contribute to the betterment of society.

[4:21]This is a primary responsibility of parents.

[4:25]Before children go out into the world and they experience the world,

[4:32]the very first teachers are their parents.

[4:34]They learn from their parents.

[4:36]They learn what is right and what is wrong.

[4:40]And they learn not only through words but more importantly our children

[4:48]they learn through our actions how we carry ourselves.

[4:52]If I want to build a healthy progeny a progeny that is

[4:59]respectful I want my children to be respectful they have to be

[5:02]able to see me as their father or mother as respectful.

[5:06]I can't expect my son or my daughter to be truthful, to

[5:13]be trustworthy.

[5:15]If I am not truthful and I am not trustworthy, I can't

[5:19]expect my daughter to observe hijab.

[5:21]If I don't, I can't expect my son to be God conscious

[5:28]and to pray and to fast if I don't do it myself.

[5:32]You can say a thousand words but if your actions they don't

[5:37]fall in line with your words then your children will learn what

[5:41]you what you do not what you say.

[5:45]And this is why it's very important for parents to understand the

[5:52]significance of spending considerable and quality time with their children.

[5:57]Sometimes parents in their quest, in their endeavor to make sure that

[6:05]their families and their children have healthy physical lives, they have a

[6:10]good house, they have a good education, they have healthy food, they

[6:15]have good clothing, they spend considerable time and energy working in order

[6:19]to make a good salary, good income so that they can provide

[6:24]for their families.

[6:23]This is good.

[6:25]This is excellent.

[6:26]This is excellent.

[6:30]The traditions they tell us that it is the responsibility of parents

[6:35]to work very hard to take care of their children.

[6:37]This is a responsibility.

[6:40]And imbam he says the right of your child the right of

[6:44]your child is that you take care of them that you ensure

[6:51]their well-being and their safety.

[6:53]But in that endeavor sometimes what ends up doing is that we

[6:56]work so hard and we emphasize and we focus so much on

[7:03]material well-being that we forget the emotional and spiritual well-being of our

[7:08]children that we don't spend enough time with our children.

[7:15]Our children are there but we don't spend enough time with them.

[7:21]we don't form positive and strong bonds with them.

[7:24]I read once about a second grade teacher who had given an

[7:32]assignment to her students in class.

[7:35]She asked them, she said, "I want you to think to reflect

[7:41]and to write down or to draw what you want to be

[7:44]when you grow up and I'll collect them." So the children they

[7:48]all sat down and they all drew and they wrote on their

[7:53]papers and they submitted the paper to the teacher.

[7:57]She says I went home that night and in the evening I

[7:59]was sitting down and I was reviewing grading the papers and one

[8:04]of them struck me.

[8:05]She says I looked at one of them and I noticed that

[8:09]one of my students had written when I grow up I want

[8:14]to be a TV.

[8:15]want to be a TV?

[8:18]Like you want to be a TV star, huh?

[8:19]No, I want to be a TV.

[8:24]And he writes, "Why?" He said, "Because the TV is the most

[8:27]important thing in the house." I come home and my dad is

[8:34]sitting in front of the TV.

[8:35]2, three, four, 5 hours.

[8:38]My family is fighting over the remote, the TV.

[8:41]I want to watch this.

[8:44]I want to watch that.

[8:46]I want to be a TV, right?

[8:49]Am I spending quality time with my children?

[8:54]Am I building a beautiful bond and relationship with them?

[8:57]This is all very important.

[8:59]We have to think about what it means to engage in parenting,

[9:05]to raise children who are righteous children, who are pious children.

[9:12]This is why we are encouraged to spend time together as a

[9:15]family.

[9:16]A family that is able to spend time together.

[9:20]A family that is able to learn from one another.

[9:22]A family that is able to grow one another is a healthy

[9:29]family.

[9:28]This is why it's recommended that one of the ways to build

[9:35]a good bond among the family is to the extent possible to

[9:38]be able to pray together.

[9:39]This is a very beautiful practice.

[9:42]We're all busy throughout the weekdays.

[9:46]We all leave.

[9:47]Everyone has their schedule.

[9:50]I have work.

[9:49]Children have school.

[9:51]We have our business meetings.

[9:52]We have all of our issues that we have to take care

[9:56]of.

[9:57]So, usually we find that throughout the week, most of the family

[10:00]members, they're busy.

[10:00]They rarely have time to sit together.

[10:02]We rarely have time to have a meal together.

[10:07]Sometimes even dinner.

[10:07]Some one person comes home at this time, the other person comes

[10:13]home at that time.

[10:13]But to the extent possible, we should make some time to pray

[10:18]together.

[10:19]The family should pray together.

[10:21]Whether this is prayer or it's any other prayer or any other

[10:27]prayer when the family is together and the time of salah comes

[10:30]together, the family joins together.

[10:32]They come together and they pray jama.

[10:36]This small act is one that it if is if it is

[10:42]done consistently with the entire family.

[10:44]This is one way that the family builds a healthy relationship amongst

[10:52]itself.

[10:50]That we spend time making spiritual life one that is creative and

[10:58]one that is beautiful.

[10:57]That we spend time teaching the children the value of connecting with

[11:03]Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

[11:05]Sometimes as parents we want our children to pray.

[11:10]We want them to observe their acts of worship right and in

[11:15]order to do so sometimes we go about negative ways in doing

[11:20]so.

[11:21]We enforce it upon them.

[11:21]We coers them.

[11:23]We threaten them.

[11:23]If you don't pray then you're not going to get this thing.

[11:28]You're not going to go there.

[11:29]Get up and pray now.

[11:30]Sometimes we threaten them.

[11:32]And this child without understanding the significance of prayer suddenly they find

[11:37]themselves overburdened with prayer.

[11:40]Prayer for them now becomes what?

[11:42]It becomes a burden.

[11:44]It becomes something that they dislike.

[11:47]When they think about prayer, it is something that they want to

[11:51]turn away from.

[11:51]Why?

[11:52]Because they don't understand the nature of prayer.

[11:55]I have not spent enough time to teach them the value of

[11:57]prayer.

[11:58]What does it mean for me to spend time connecting with my

[12:03]Lord?

[12:04]I spend time with my friends on phone calls, chatting with my

[12:12]friends, playing with my friends, and that's important.

[12:14]But it is very important for me to build a relationship with

[12:20]my Lord and Master.

[12:21]It's important that I spend time because that relationship with Allah is

[12:29]what allows me to flourish, to find strength.

[12:30]When I'm facing difficulties, when I'm facing tragedies, when I'm facing loneliness,

[12:37]I turn to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.

[12:41]And we teach our children and we inspire in our children the

[12:45]love for their faith and the love for their Lord.

[12:49]It's important that we become creative and we give that responsibility its

[12:54]due attention so that we are able to build a god centric

[12:58]family, a righteous family.

[13:02]So one of the functions of marriage is that we reproduce a

[13:06]righteous family, a healthy family.

[13:09]The Quran says in the dua And those who pray, "Our Lord,

[13:27]grant us from among our spouses and our children a comfort to

[13:32]our eyes and make us an example for the righteous." The dua

[13:37]here says that it is important for us not just to create

[13:43]a good and righteous family but a family that can be a

[13:48]model for others becomes a role model for others.

[13:52]other people, they see my family and they learn and they are

[13:55]inspired by the way that the husband and the wife and the

[13:57]children and the siblings by the way that they interact with one

[14:02]another by the way that they live with one another by the

[14:05]way that they carry themselves.

[14:06]So this is number one.

[14:09]Number two, the function of marriage according to our teachings is that

[14:14]it fulfills the innate emotional, physical and spiritual needs of human beings.

[14:24]It's a package.

[14:27]Brothers and sisters, we have various needs.

[14:30]Some of our needs are emotional, some are spiritual, some are physical

[14:35]needs.

[14:36]And marriage, a successful marriage is one that fulfills all of those

[14:40]needs, not just some of them.

[14:41]Sometimes we find in marriage that a marriage is focused only on

[14:48]fulfilling one of those needs.

[14:49]I have physical needs and I approach marriage only with the objective

[14:58]of fulfilling that physical need of mine without thinking about the emotional

[15:04]and spiritual needs.

[15:04]This is wrong.

[15:05]Marriage cannot survive.

[15:08]A relationship cannot survive.

[15:09]What is simply based on physical intimacy when that's all that I

[15:13]expect from this marriage won't survive because as human beings we have

[15:18]emotional needs as well.

[15:21]We have to be able to fulfill those needs.

[15:24]Or on the other hand when for me marriage only fulfills emotional

[15:29]needs.

[15:30]That's it.

[15:30]There is nothing that has to do with physical or material needs

[15:36]or other needs.

[15:35]Or or on the other hand where marriage only fulfills my emotional

[15:41]needs and my physical needs but it does not fulfill my spiritual

[15:49]needs.

[15:48]When I think to myself yes the spouse that I desire this

[15:54]person they are good for me only because they always express their

[15:57]love and affection for me.

[16:01]They buy me gifts.

[16:01]They take care of me.

[16:05]He or she cooks for me, right?

[16:08]They take care of my physical needs.

[16:09]But does it matter if he or she is honest in their

[16:16]business?

[16:17]No.

[16:15]Does it matter if he or she is god-fearing?

[16:19]No.

[16:20]Does it matter if she, for instance, observes hijab?

[16:26]No.

[16:28]It's not important.

[16:27]Does he pray?

[16:30]No, he doesn't pray, but he still loves me.

[16:33]He takes care of me.

[16:34]Yes, emotional needs are important.

[16:39]It is important that there is emotional compa compatibility between husband and

[16:43]and wife.

[16:45]It is important that the husband is able to express kind and

[16:53]beautiful emotions towards his wife.

[16:56]And this is important by the way because sometimes some of the

[17:04]brothers they forget that a core component of marriage is what is

[17:09]love and affection and so they forget to express that love to

[17:14]their spouses or the other way around vice versa.

[17:18]They're married for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.

[17:21]And maybe weeks and months and years go by and he does

[17:27]not say to his wife, "I love you." Because we take it

[17:32]for granted.

[17:34]You're my wife.

[17:33]Of course, I love you.

[17:36]I don't have to tell you.

[17:37]Several months and several years can go by.

[17:40]I don't have to tell you I love you.

[17:43]He says, He says when a man says to his wife, I

[18:00]love you, this statement will never leave her heart.

[18:02]If it's said sincerely, it will never leave her heart.

[18:06]Say, I love you.

[18:09]Express your love and affection.

[18:10]But more importantly, in addition to that emotion, in addition to expressing

[18:17]love and affection, it is important that this marriage also fulfills our

[18:25]spiritual needs.

[18:25]It is important that I look for in a potential spouse or

[18:30]that I work with my spouse to build their spiritual capacity and

[18:35]my spiritual capacity.

[18:37]We encourage one another.

[18:40]If someone I intend on marrying has no conception of prayer for

[18:48]them, prayer is not even a thing.

[18:50]This is a red flag.

[18:51]Because if he is not ready to connect and be intimate with

[18:56]the master of the universe, he is not going to connect with

[18:59]you either.

[19:02]If he can't love God and express that love and that connection

[19:08]with God, then he is not going to express that love and

[19:10]connection for you either.

[19:12]No matter how many times he tells you, I love you.

[19:16]No matter what kind of gifts he purchases for you.

[19:19]So marriage the second function is that it fulfills these needs and

[19:25]these are innate needs.

[19:27]Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has created us with emotional needs.

[19:34]We all need to listen and to hear and to experience love

[19:38]and affection.

[19:40]By the way, this advice is not just for the husbands to

[19:43]the wives, also for the wives to the husbands to express love

[19:47]and affection to your husband.

[19:50]Don't hide it.

[19:52]You know they teach us in the modern world that men they

[19:58]don't have any emotions or a real man is someone who hides

[20:03]his emotions who doesn't express the need for emotions.

[20:06]This is false.

[20:07]All of the greatest men in the planet in history the prophets

[20:13]and the messengers and the imams the b the righteous all of

[20:16]these great men they were emotional men.

[20:20]They valued emotion.

[20:22]They valued intimacy.

[20:25]They valued companionship.

[20:27]Express that love and affection to understand that we have physical needs

[20:34]and those needs are important.

[20:38]Sometimes again over time, especially over time in some relationships, in some

[20:44]marriages, that element or that aspect of the relationship, it fades.

[20:48]It fades.

[20:49]people get busy or they take one another for granted.

[20:53]This is wrong.

[20:55]This is wrong.

[20:57]It's important to be able to fulfill those needs.

[20:58]There's not much that I can say from the mimba, unfortunately.

[21:02]But you get the point.

[21:04]You get the point.

[21:07]The idea is that marriage it fulfills comprehensively our emotional needs, our

[21:11]physical needs, and our spiritual needs.

[21:15]Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala tells us in the Quran and of the

[21:27]signs of God.

[21:30]See, marriage is described as a sign of God.

[21:31]It is an ayah, a sign of God that he has created

[21:36]from amongst you, pairs, spouses.

[21:42]Why?

[21:41]So that you find tranquility and peace.

[21:45]a second and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has given us two important

[21:56]ingredients to arrive at that place of serenity and peace affection and

[22:04]mercy compassion that we are kind and compassionate to one another that

[22:09]we do not compete with one another but that we express compassion

[22:15]towards one Another in another verse Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says it's

[22:23]a very beautiful description of marriage of the relationship between a husband

[22:28]and a wife.

[22:29]Allah subhana wa ta says that women are the garments of men

[22:34]and men are the garments of women.

[22:36]What is the function of a garment?

[22:39]The function of the garment is manyfold.

[22:41]One, it is to make us look beautiful.

[22:46]No, we spend money on our garments so that our physical appearance

[22:50]can be one that is good.

[22:51]But garments also they protect our bodies.

[22:55]When it's cold, the garment protects our bodies from the cold weather.

[23:02]When it's hot, the garment protects our body from the hot weather.

[23:05]The Quran describes the husband and the wife as a garment for

[23:08]one another.

[23:12]Meaning what?

[23:13]Meaning that the husband is a form of protection for his wife

[23:18]and the wife is a form of protection for her husband.

[23:21]This is the goal.

[23:24]This is the objective.

[23:24]It's that we are able to build to comfort one another to

[23:31]assist one another.

[23:30]So this is when it comes to the objectives of marriage according

[23:36]to our teachings.

[23:36]This is why Islam places a great deal of emphasis on marriage

[23:42]that we don't take it lightly that we take it seriously.

[23:44]This is why we have traditions that encourage us to hasten marriage

[23:49]not to delay marriage to make sure that we take this sacred

[23:54]institution seriously.

[23:59]Now when we come to the ground we find that often times

[24:03]for a variety of factors especially in this day and age we

[24:09]find that there are many challenges associated with marriage on the ground

[24:14]many challenges tonight I want to discuss three challenges very quickly inshallah

[24:19]number one we find the problem of expectations unrealistic expectations.

[24:29]Whether people are looking to get married, they are single and they're

[24:33]looking to get married or sometimes they are already married, they are

[24:39]several years into their marriage.

[24:43]Sometimes there is a problem of expectations.

[24:44]There is a problem sometimes, a misunderstanding, a misconception that marriage has

[24:52]to be perfect, that marriage has no problems, it has no issues,

[24:57]that I find someone who I will live happily ever after with

[25:03]when I get married, that's it.

[25:08]No problems at all, no issues at all.

[25:11]This is a misconception.

[25:11]Why?

[25:12]Because when we get married, we are marrying a human being.

[25:16]We are marrying someone who has their own passions and their ideas

[25:26]and their baggage and everything altogether.

[25:28]And we have to be realistic.

[25:32]We have to understand that not every day in marriage is going

[25:36]to be an easy day.

[25:37]There will be difficult times.

[25:41]There will be times that the spouses they will dis disagree over

[25:46]issues but the challenge is how do I deal with that disagreement?

[25:50]What do I do?

[25:52]Do I argue?

[25:54]Do I try to impose my view and only my view on

[25:59]the other side on my spouse?

[26:02]God forbid.

[26:03]Does it even get worse?

[26:05]Sometimes because of disagreements and conflicts, it turns beyond just a verbal

[26:10]disagreement and it can turn even to physical abuse to emotional abuse.

[26:16]So how do I deal?

[26:19]I be realistic.

[26:18]understand that marriage is not always easy, that there are difficulties, but

[26:26]I build the capacity in how to deal with those difficulties, that

[26:31]we spend time speaking with one another, that we spend time working

[26:37]out our problems.

[26:39]Nowadays, unfortunately, unfortunately with the system that we live in in many

[26:44]societies, as soon as there is a problem between a husband and

[26:49]a sw a wife, they go immediately to court.

[26:52]They lose their patience.

[26:55]They don't have the energy.

[26:57]They don't have the ability to work out their issues.

[27:01]The way they work out their issues is in the courts.

[27:05]And part of this, by the way, one of the challenges of

[27:09]our modern life, contemporary life, I think one of these challenges is

[27:16]the assumption that there are many options for me out there.

[27:23]Maybe this is a part of social media.

[27:27]Maybe this is a factor that has to do with social media.

[27:32]I know that in the world there are many other people.

[27:35]If it doesn't work out with my spouse, no problem.

[27:38]We leave one another and I just go and find someone else.

[27:41]There are many options.

[27:45]There are many other fish in the sea, so to speak.

[27:46]And this is a problem.

[27:50]We have to be able to develop the resilience to understand that

[27:54]when problems occur, there are ways to overcome those problems.

[27:58]There are ways to overcome those challenges.

[28:01]to have that patience and have that resilience to understand that this

[28:07]is a serious commitment.

[28:08]It's a commitment not just between me and my spouse.

[28:14]I have entered into a covenant with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala as

[28:19]well.

[28:18]And so I work hard to overcome my challenges and my issues

[28:24]to have realistic expectations.

[28:27]Sometimes the problem is that we assume that I am going to

[28:33]enter into this marriage and there are clearly defined roles for me

[28:37]and my spouse.

[28:40]I work outside, she works inside.

[28:44]She takes care of the cooking and the cleaning and the child

[28:49]care and this and that, the groceries and all of these things.

[28:52]And I go and I work and I come back.

[28:55]and when I come back I'm served.

[29:00]This is how sometimes people enter into marriage.

[29:04]We consider marriage to be transactional.

[29:08]What can you do for me?

[29:11]I will do for you to the extent that you can do

[29:16]for me.

[29:16]It's transactional.

[29:16]Right?

[29:17]This idea that one person is the one who works hard and

[29:23]the other person is the one who enjoys life.

[29:26]One person works the other one spends.

[29:30]One person works hard and the other person does not do anything.

[29:35]When I come home I don't do anything.

[29:38]I remember one time couple of years ago in one of the

[29:44]communities I won't mention where an older gentleman one day he came

[29:48]to me after the majus and he was complaining to me he

[29:56]said say it I've become old and my wife has also become

[30:01]old and she has many physical problems she has difficulty pain in

[30:05]her back and pain in her knees and she has difficulty moving

[30:08]nowadays and we're alone at home and she is not able to

[30:14]cook anymore.

[30:15]She is not able to clean anymore and say it and he's

[30:18]telling me this and say it wallah I've never washed a dish

[30:23]in my life.

[30:25]I've never washed a dish in my life.

[30:30]I was proud of it.

[30:31]It's it's natural.

[30:32]He's saying as if it's it's natural.

[30:35]There's no issue.

[30:35]Never washed anything.

[30:37]I've never cleaned anything in my life.

[30:41]Why?

[30:38]You're not part of the family.

[30:42]The imams, they used to participate in housework.

[30:47]The imams and their spouses, they used to work together.

[30:52]There was not an expectation that one person would work and the

[30:56]other one rests and enjoys.

[30:59]No, that's not how life works.

[31:00]And this is important not just for the spouses, but even for

[31:03]the rest of the family.

[31:06]We teach our children that they are part of the household.

[31:08]They are part of the family.

[31:08]To be a child in the family doesn't mean that you just

[31:13]sit back and you play and you enjoy and you are served.

[31:14]No, you are part of the family.

[31:17]You have a responsibility just like anyone has a responsibility.

[31:21]The rest of the people in the family have a responsibility to

[31:26]work, to cooperate, to be able to have mercy and compassion towards

[31:32]one another, to be able to have mercy upon one another.

[31:36]Sometimes there are situations where you find that one spouse has been

[31:40]working very hard and they come home and the other spouse suddenly

[31:46]as soon as the spouse enters suddenly they throw an avalanche of

[31:51]complaints upon them.

[31:54]They have a whole list 1 2 3 4 5 haven't given

[31:56]them time to yet come and take off their shoes.

[32:00]Have mercy upon one another.

[32:05]Sit down.

[32:04]speak with one another, cooperate with one another, have mercy with one

[32:10]another.

[32:11]So there are unrealistic expectations.

[32:13]The other unrealistic expectation is when it comes to finances and money,

[32:19]especially when it comes to dowies.

[32:22]You know nowadays it's not just buying a home that has become

[32:28]unaffordable.

[32:27]Buying a car, getting married has become unaffordable.

[32:32]Many young men and women who are ready otherwise are ready for

[32:37]marriage.

[32:38]They are unable to get married because there are unrealistic expectations of

[32:45]finances and dowry.

[32:46]I want my mah my dowry to be $500,000.

[32:51]I want you to be make sure that you already own a

[32:58]house.

[32:56]I I want to make sure that you purchase a car for

[33:01]me immediately for instance.

[33:02]Or sometimes it's not from the individual, it's from their families.

[33:06]Sometimes families they come and they prohibit and they delay the marriage

[33:12]of their sons and daughters for financial reasons.

[33:13]And it comes by the way from a place of concern.

[33:17]Parents, they are concerned for their child.

[33:20]They want to make sure that their child lives a comfortable financial

[33:25]financially stable life, right?

[33:28]But sometimes it's unrealistic.

[33:30]When you have unrealistic expectations about the dowy and about how much

[33:37]the wedding has to cost and about other financial expectations, you overburden

[33:41]you overburden the spouses and you prohibit them from something that is

[33:46]necessary in their lives.

[33:48]unrealistic expectations.

[33:51]Marriage again is not a business transaction brothers and sisters.

[33:57]It's not a business transaction.

[33:58]We have to avoid coming into the mindset into marriage with the

[34:03]mindset of a business person.

[34:05]Keep business for outside.

[34:06]Keep it for real business.

[34:08]Marriage is not business.

[34:10]Marriage, the Quran tells us, is a journey that brings two people

[34:18]together and two families together in order to build themselves, in order

[34:23]to grow.

[34:22]Sometimes I find among young men, I ask them, I say, "Why

[34:27]are you not married?

[34:27]You have a job.

[34:29]You have an income.

[34:31]Why are you not married?" He says, "Say it.

[34:31]You know, I want to make sure that I I buy a

[34:34]nice three-bedroom house.

[34:36]When I buy a nice three-bedroom house, then I can get married.

[34:39]I want to be able to take my wife for a full

[34:46]honeymoon.

[34:43]Honeymoon for a month.

[34:46]We want to travel for a whole month.

[34:51]Huh?

[34:49]That's good if you're able to.

[34:53]But it takes time for you to be able to build yourself

[34:55]to that capacity.

[34:57]It's not easy.

[34:57]It doesn't happen overnight.

[34:58]And then where is the beauty of growing with one another?

[35:04]You see, there is a beauty in marriage of being able to

[35:09]grow with one another.

[35:10]There is a beauty in marriage with being able later on in

[35:16]life to reflect.

[35:18]Think of some of our our elders in the community.

[35:19]Sometimes you might hear from your own parents or grandparents or uncles

[35:23]or aunts.

[35:25]They tell you about how it was when they were growing up.

[35:29]They tell you about the first place, the first home that they

[35:32]lived in, maybe a one-bedroom apartment.

[35:33]They were renting something and how the family began and then afterwards

[35:40]they progressed.

[35:42]They went and they found a bigger space and then after that

[35:45]they went and found a better space.

[35:46]This is part of the beauty of life is that you grow.

[35:50]If from the beginning, if from the beginning I want to be

[35:55]at a point where I have a five- bedroomedroom house and I

[35:57]have the best car and I have the best income, there's no

[36:01]room for improvement and growth.

[36:03]Where's where's the growth going to be?

[36:06]To understand when we make marriage only about or we prioritize financial

[36:13]matters, then we make it a business transaction.

[36:19]It loses its sacredness and its sanctity.

[36:20]And the Quran promises, brothers and sisters, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says

[36:31]here this verse is related to what?

[36:35]This verse is related to marriage.

[36:38]Allah subhana wa ta'ala says those who are ready for marriage, marry

[36:42]them, facilitate their marriage.

[36:44]And then the Quran says, "If they are poor, Allah subhanahu wa

[36:50]ta'ala will give them from his bounties." It's a promise.

[36:56]Promise from Allah.

[36:57]Don't worry, your daughter will not starve.

[37:00]Your husband will have no issues.

[37:04]We should be able to have realistic expectations when we enter into

[37:10]marriage and when we progress through marriage.

[37:11]So this is number one.

[37:15]Number two is the question of interracial or interthnic marriage.

[37:20]Sometimes we find in some communities, this has happened to me countless

[37:27]times, more than I can count, where you have two young people

[37:30]who are god-fearing, they are pious, they are responsible, they are mature,

[37:35]they are ready, they want to get married, but the problem is

[37:38]what?

[37:40]One of them is Arab, the other one is Iranian.

[37:44]One is Pakistani, the other is Afghani.

[37:47]And their families, they say, "No, no, no, no, no.

[37:52]Sorry.

[37:51]I'm sorry.

[37:52]I cannot allow you to marry someone who does not speak my

[37:58]language, who does not have come from my culture, who does not

[38:00]come from my village, not just my country, it does not come

[38:04]from my village.

[38:04]They have to come from my village.

[38:06]We prioritize culture and language over what?

[38:11]Over some things that are much more important.

[38:23]He says, "If someone approaches you and you are satisfied with their

[38:38]faith, their im their piety and their manners and their trustworthiness, then

[38:46]facilitate marriage for them.

[38:50]And if you do not, finishes it.

[38:52]He says, "If you do not, there will be a great fitna."

[38:56]Great fitna.

[38:58]Don't prioritize.

[39:00]Just because a person who wants to marry your daughter or your

[39:04]son, just because they don't speak the same language, it doesn't mean

[39:11]that the world is over.

[39:11]Allah teaches us that the most important factor in a potential spouse

[39:17]is not their language or their color of their skin or their

[39:22]culture or even their likes or dislikes or even their appearance.

[39:26]The most important thing is what is there tawa?

[39:31]Is there tawa?

[39:33]A man comes to our second immass and he tells him one

[39:37]day he asks him he says my daughter is of marriage age

[39:43]and many men have come and they ask for her hand in

[39:45]marriage what kind of man should I permit to marry my daughter

[39:50]and Im Hassan he answers he says marry her to the one

[39:55]who is god conscious the one who has tawa that's it and

[39:59]then he explains why he says why why He says because if

[40:03]he loves her, if he has tawa and he loves her, he

[40:07]will treat her like a queen.

[40:09]He'll take care of her.

[40:09]And if God forbid he does not love her, and this is

[40:16]reality, sometimes there are good issues.

[40:18]Sometimes there are difficult times.

[40:20]If he does not love her, he will not oppress her.

[40:24]He won't oppress her.

[40:27]How many marriages and relationships do we know that are defined by

[40:33]injustice and oppression where the spouses they oppress one another?

[40:37]Why?

[40:38]Because there's no tawa because Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is taken out

[40:44]of the equation.

[40:44]So it's important for me.

[40:47]Yes, language is important.

[40:48]I'm not saying it's important.

[40:49]You have to be able to communicate.

[40:51]Culture is important.

[40:54]All of these are important.

[40:55]But what is more important?

[40:56]We should not prioritize language over what?

[41:00]Over manners and we should not prioritize culture over what?

[41:03]Over tawa.

[41:05]Those are the important elements.

[41:08]And then by the way, by the way are the imams of

[41:14]the are they not our role models?

[41:17]Are they our role models or not?

[41:22]Are they our role models in speech and in action or just

[41:24]in speech?

[41:25]We just admire their words and we just admire them in history.

[41:27]Or do we take them as role models in our life?

[41:31]They provide for us a road map for how we live our

[41:36]lives.

[41:33]Yes or no?

[41:36]Half of the imams they married women who were not of the

[41:41]same culture and the same language as them.

[41:44]Half of them.

[41:46]Take from imtham.

[41:53]They were of Arab descent.

[41:56]They were of Arabian descent.

[42:01]The Imams.

[42:00]Half of the mothers of the Imams, they were of non-Arabian descent.

[42:06]Beginning with whom?

[42:06]Beginning with the wife of Abah Abdah Hussein, the mother of our

[42:10]fourth immu.

[42:16]She was a Persian lady.

[42:20]The man who we come from and we cry over and we

[42:25]say I wish I was with you.

[42:27]His wife was not an Arab woman, but she was someone who

[42:35]was suitable for God to choose her as the mother of an

[42:37]infallible Imam and the wife of an infallible Imam.

[42:42]And other imams, later I imams, some of them they were from

[42:48]North Africa, some of them they were from Central Asia.

[42:50]If it was about culture and religion, then our imams would have

[42:56]been the first.

[42:55]But they teach us a lesson.

[42:59]They teach us that what is more important than language is God

[43:03]consciousness.

[43:03]This is not something that we enjoy.

[43:05]Lots of people they hear this, they become uncomfortable.

[43:07]They say say it.

[43:10]I wish you did not speak about this.

[43:12]This is going to cause problems for our sons and daughters.

[43:14]This is reality.

[43:17]Are we not the devotees and the lovers of the we should

[43:23]learn from them?

[43:22]So this is number two what we prioritize.

[43:25]And finally number three is the challenge of what?

[43:32]The challenge of outside interference.

[43:37]Sometimes you have a couple who is recently married or they've been

[43:45]married for some time and it's not just them.

[43:49]It's as though there is a third or a fourth or a

[43:52]fifth or a sixth person that's also married with them.

[43:55]Sometimes it's their parents.

[44:00]Sometimes it's their in-laws.

[44:01]They interfere with every decision.

[44:03]buying a house, buying a car, traveling, raising kids, doing this, doing

[44:09]that.

[44:10]They interfere all the time.

[44:11]The mother comes to her daughter and she says, "Tell me what's

[44:16]your husband doing?" The father, he comes to his son and he

[44:18]says, "No, no, no, no.

[44:21]Don't travel there.

[44:20]Travel here.

[44:22]Don't buy this house.

[44:22]Buy that house.

[44:24]Don't do this.

[44:24]Tell your wife to do that.

[44:27]Tell your husband to do that." They constantly interfere over and over

[44:32]and over again.

[44:32]Now sometimes it's important for us to recognize that we have elders,

[44:39]we have our parents, we respect our parents, we take seriously their

[44:43]advice and their admonishment.

[44:44]They have experience in life.

[44:46]I know some people who are well into their 40s and their

[44:51]50s and they are married and they have children but they still

[44:55]take the admonishment and advice of their parents seriously because they know

[44:59]this person has life experience.

[45:00]But it's one thing to respect my elders, my parents, to take

[45:04]their admonishment and advice.

[45:07]And it's another thing when the parent imposes their view and their

[45:13]preferences on their child and on the child's spouse.

[45:16]What does this do?

[45:18]What does it do?

[45:21]It causes problems for that family, for that marriage.

[45:23]Why?

[45:24]Because I want to be not just a good husband to my

[45:29]wife.

[45:29]I also want to be good son or daughter, right?

[45:30]I want to be a good son to my parents.

[45:33]I want to be a good son-in-law to my in-laws, but I

[45:37]also want to be a good husband.

[45:39]I also want to be a good wife.

[45:40]So, it puts me in a situation where I'm stuck between a

[45:46]rock and a hard place.

[45:47]On the one hand, there is expectations of me to be able

[45:53]to fulfill my marital duties with my spouse, to be able to

[45:55]make decisions with one another, to grow with one another, to live

[46:00]one with one another, right?

[46:01]And on the other there is the expectation that I obey and

[46:04]listen to my parents.

[46:06]So I get stuck in the middle and I am neither able

[46:11]to be a good spouse nor am I able to be a

[46:14]good son or daughter.

[46:14]Neither is my spouse happy with me nor is my parent happy

[46:20]with me.

[46:18]We put our children in this situation and sometimes it destroys.

[46:24]I've seen many examples of marriages that are destroyed not because of

[46:28]the husband and the wife.

[46:29]They love each other.

[46:31]They are both god-fearing.

[46:31]They are both good.

[46:32]But because what?

[46:33]Because of outside influence, because family members, because parents, this is a

[46:41]problem we have to understand.

[46:42]And yes, our role is the role of guidance.

[46:46]Even the Quran says, the Quran says that sometimes when there is

[46:52]a conflict between the spouses and it's a difficult conflict, then what

[46:56]should you do?

[46:58]You should bring outside mediators, people who are not from the families,

[47:03]people who are neutral, who are wise, who are able to help

[47:05]solve the problem.

[47:07]But the idea here is to help solve the problem, not to

[47:11]impose your view.

[47:12]We have to be able to allow this family to flourish.

[47:16]But at the same time, at the same time, it's also important

[47:23]for spouses to understand the importance of respecting our parents, of respecting

[47:28]their advice and their admonishment, of taking it seriously because they have

[47:34]life experience.

[47:36]If they are god-fearing and they want what is good for us

[47:40]and what is beneficial for us that we take advantage we take

[47:44]advantage of this.

[47:47]So it's important dear friends to understand the sacredness of marriage and

[47:53]the sacredness of families.

[47:55]This is no small thing.

[47:59]We are expected to be able to give marriage and family life

[48:04]its due.

[48:05]There is a great responsibility.

[48:10]Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says, "Oh you who believe, protect yourselves and

[48:17]protect your families from punishment and from difficulty.

[48:24]When marriage is done well, it fulfills a sacred responsibility.

[48:30]This is why he says the one who marries fulfills half of

[48:42]their religious responsibility.

[48:46]So let him or her be God conscious and pious and the

[48:49]other half of his or her religious responsibility.

[48:55]Tonight we remember a young man.

[49:03]The traditions they tell us that maybe he was about 13 or

[49:10]14 years old.

[49:12]And some traditions they say that he was either ready to or

[49:21]he had recently completed his engagement, his wedding.

[49:26]And you know, every parent, one of their wishes in their life

[49:32]is to see the day that their son or daughter gets married.

[49:39]Huh?

[49:38]Know that's a very important day for a parent.

[49:42]This is why we see parents, they often get very emotional on

[49:46]the day in which their son or daughter gets married, right?

[49:50]They wish to see their child grow.

[49:54]They wish to see their child build a family.

[49:57]They wish to see the children of their children, their grandchildren.

[50:01]This is something that parents look forward to.

[50:06]But there was a young man by the name of Alim The

[50:12]son of Alm Hassan Alisam his father had already passed away.

[50:18]Alm Hassan several years earlier he had passed away when Al Gasim

[50:26]was a young child.

[50:25]Huh?

[50:26]So he grew up as an orphan without his father under the

[50:35]guidance and the care of his mother Ramla and his uncle Abba

[50:40]Abdah Hussein.

[50:40]And on this day, on the day of Ash, we find this

[50:48]young man Alasim, a man who was just in the beginning of

[50:51]his life.

[50:56]Huh?

[50:54]A man who was just ready to begin on his own journey

[50:59]of marriage and family and go into the world.

[51:04]We find that this young man he stands up and he goes

[51:10]towards his uncle Abdullah al- Kasim.

[51:18]He approaches Imam Hussein.

[51:19]He tells him, "My dear uncle, I have come to you asking

[51:27]for permission from you to go out onto the battlefield." Allah.

[51:32]Imam Hussein he hears he sees his beloved nephew Al Kasim asking

[51:39]him for permission and that moment he breaks down.

[51:41]Why?

[51:42]Because when he looks at Al Kasim he remembers his brother Alam

[51:49]al- Hassan.

[51:47]He remembers he knows that Al Kasim was entrusted to him by

[51:55]his brother Al Hassan.

[51:56]He reflects on that day in which he is with his own

[52:02]brother Alm Hass after Imam Hassan had been poisoned.

[52:04]Huh?

[52:05]The poison had spread throughout his entire body Allahbar.

[52:11]In what state was Alm Hassan in that very difficult state?

[52:13]At that moment as he is bleeding, Abdah is sitting next to

[52:20]him.

[52:17]Huh?

[52:18]Abah Abdah sees the difficulty and the pain of his brother Al

[52:25]Hassan.

[52:25]He turns to him and he says, "My dear brother, it is

[52:28]very difficult for me to see you in this state on this

[52:34]day.

[52:34]This is a very difficult day.

[52:36]It's a very difficult state for me to see you in Hass."

[52:40]Then he turns to him.

[52:43]He says, "No, my brother, my brother, there are more difficult days

[52:49]for you." He tells him, Abdullah my brother Abahd there is no

[53:01]tragedy and day like yours.

[53:01]So Alm Hass he had kept his son Al kept his son

[53:09]Alassim in the entrustment of his brother Abdah.

[53:11]When Alasim comes Alm Hussein it is as though his own son

[53:18]is coming and asking him he looks at Al Kasim.

[53:22]He sees this young man 13 14 years old before him.

[53:26]He turns to him.

[53:26]He tells him alasim, "Go back, please, my nephew.

[53:30]Go back.

[53:32]Go back.

[53:31]There is no obligation and responsibility for you to go out." Alasim.

[53:38]He turns around.

[53:41]He's heartbroken.

[53:40]He wants to join the rest of Beni Hashim.

[53:43]He sees his cousins and his family members.

[53:46]He wants to defend his uncle Aba Abdullah.

[53:50]So he turns back.

[53:50]He goes back towards his mother.

[53:52]his mother.

[53:54]She turns to him.

[53:58]She tells him, "My dear Kasim, remind your uncle.

[54:00]Remind him of the will of your father.

[54:03]Alm Hassan, remind him why he, Imam, your father entrusted you for

[54:12]him.

[54:13]He entrusted you for this very day.

[54:15]So that you would stand up for him.

[54:17]This is the wish of your father Al Hassan." So alasim he

[54:21]returns to his uncle.

[54:25]He tells him, "My uncle, this is the wish of my father

[54:27]Alm Hass.

[54:29]This is the wish of my mother, for me to go out

[54:35]and to sacrifice myself defending you." Alm Hass Hussein, he begins to

[54:42]weep.

[54:43]He embraces his nephew Alasim.

[54:43]He tells him, "Oh Kasim, I want to ask you a question."

[54:46]Huh?

[54:47]He tells him, "My beloved nephew, how do you feel about death?"

[54:54]Huh?

[54:55]How do you feel?

[54:55]He turns to him.

[54:58]He says, "With you death with you, it is sweeter than honey.

[55:06]At this moment, Alm Hussein." He takes the turban of Al Hass

[55:13]and places it on the head of Alim.

[55:14]Then he takes the sword of his brother Al Hassan and he

[55:20]gives it to his nephew Alasim.

[55:20]Then he places his armor on him.

[55:24]Then he embraces him.

[55:27]He begins to weep and cry and he bids him farewell.

[55:30]He comes out.

[55:32]The narrations they say we saw someone coming out.

[55:36]A young man coming out of the tent of Aba Abdullah.

[55:39]He is shining like a moon.

[55:43]His face is shining.

[55:43]He is innocent.

[55:45]He is pious.

[55:48]He comes out onto the battlefield and he is carrying his sword

[55:51]and he announces he tells them if you do not know who

[55:56]I am I am the son of Al Hassan I am the

[56:00]grandson of Abah Abdullah and I have come out here to defend

[56:07]my uncle Abah Hussein Allah Akbar then he goes out onto the

[56:11]battlefield and he begins to fight the tradition says that one of

[56:14]the soldiers he looked set the other and he calls out he

[56:19]says by Allah I make it my mission to make Aba Abdah

[56:24]grieve over this young man as he is fighting the tradition says

[56:28]that his sandal it snaps alasim he kneels down in order to

[56:34]mend his sandal the enemy comes and he strikes him on his

[56:37]head when he is struck on his head he turns towards his

[56:40]uncle and he calls out Abdah peace be upon you my uncle

[56:50]Hussein.

[56:51]He comes rushing towards Alasim.

[56:53]He sees on the floor.

[56:57]He is bleeding.

[56:57]Allahbar.

[56:58]He turns to him.

[57:02]He tells him, "My dear, my dear, I am sorry that you

[57:25]call upon your uncle and your uncle is not able to help

[57:27]you." Huh?

[57:29]The uncle is that person who provides support and assistance that you

[57:33]call upon your uncle but your uncle is not able to answer

[57:39]your call or if he answers your call he is not able

[57:45]to help you.

[57:44]Allah Akbar.

[57:46]This sight it pained Abah Abdullah Hussein.

[57:50]He wept over the martyrdom of his nephew Al- Kasim.

[57:56]Then he turned to the youth of Benny Hashim.

[57:57]He tells them he said, "Oh young man, come and carry your

[58:03]cousin Al Kasim." Al Kasim's body was carried and it was placed

[58:07]next to the broken body of Ali.

[58:12]foreign.

[58:24][Music] [Music] My [Music]

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Building God Centered Marriages and Families - Dr. Sayed Hadi Qazwini

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Building God Centered Marriages and Families - Dr. Sayed Hadi Qazwini

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