When Should I Move Out of My Parents House? - Sayed Mohammad Baqer Qazwini | Muslim Youth Connection

29 المشاهدات· 24/03/22

MYC Media
مشتركين

في محاضرات

When Should I Move Out of My Parents House? | Sayed Mohammad Baqer Qazwini

Muslim Youth Connection

Program held by the Muslim Youth Connection at the Islamic Institute of America in Dearborn Heights, MI

Follow the Muslim Youth Connection on social media:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mycmedia
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/muslimyouthconnection
Twitter: https://twitter.com/_mycmedia
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/mycmedia

أظهر المزيد

Transcript

[0:06]i begin in the name of the almighty god the compassionate the

[0:13]merciful the one who has created everything in utmost perfection and may

[0:18]the peace and blessings of the almighty god be upon his pure

[0:23]and beloved messenger the peak of his creation the symbol of humanity

[0:29]the holy prophet and his immaculate progeny of the bait peace be

[0:41]upon them especially the leader of our time the awaited savior may

[0:51]allah hasten his reappearance and make us all amongst the sincere and

[0:55]dedicated servants my dear brothers and sisters i sincerely welcome you to

[1:07]our program this evening as we discuss a very important question and

[1:12]that is when should we move out of our parents homes at

[1:19]one point in our lives we have to move right one is

[1:25]the prime time the optimal time for us to make that transition

[1:30]before we discuss this very important question i would like to remind

[1:36]myself and remind everyone that one of the greatest avenues and opportunities

[1:43]to achieve the mercy and the blessings and the reward of allah

[1:51]is to be around your parents our parents give us a huge

[2:00]window to worship allah to receive the blessings of allah subhanahu ta'ala

[2:05]in one narration in one hadith the holy prophet muhammad states when

[2:13]a person looks at his parents a look of mercy because we

[2:22]know we have different types of looks sometimes you could look at

[2:27]your parents and you're very upset with them angry at them you

[2:30]could be even threatening them the prophet says no a look of

[2:38]mercy if you look at them with mercy with compassion with love

[2:43]allah grants you the reward of an accepted hajj you all know

[2:56]the reward of the hajj what is greater than the hajj when

[3:01]it comes to rituals the prophet says just simply by looking at

[3:05]your parents out of mercy and compassion and love allah subhanahu ta'ala

[3:10]gives you the reward of not just any hajj not a hajj

[3:14]a hajj that's accepted the companions asked a follow-up question they told

[3:23]him ya rasul allah even if he looks at his parents 100

[3:27]times a day even if she looks at her parents 100 times

[3:31]a day that means you will get a hundred hajj for that

[3:38]a hundred pilgrimages the prophet said yes even more don't limit the

[3:44]mercy of allah look at your parents 200 times a day with

[3:49]mercy and compassion allah will grant you the reward of 200 pilgrimages

[3:53]and sometimes we wonder where is the mercy of allah subhanahu wa

[3:59]ta'ala our parents are one of the greatest doors and avenues to

[4:05]achieve the satisfaction of allah subhanahu ta'ala therefore spending time with them

[4:14]being around them serving them is a great blessing it's a great

[4:16]opportunity if looking at your parents with mercy has this immense reward

[4:22]imagine serving them imagine helping them being there for them what kind

[4:29]of reward does allah give us for that so if you're living

[4:35]with your parents you are truly blessed that's a great opportunity from

[4:40]allah parents are truly a source of compassion for us in times

[4:47]of difficulty your closest friend can let you down but usually parents

[4:53]don't let us down we can resort to them we can get

[4:59]good advice from them they truly care about us when they give

[5:05]us advice they're not looking for a personal agenda to fulfill now

[5:10]i also acknowledge not all parents are like that sure there are

[5:16]abusive parents there are toxic parents and unfortunately that's a difficult trial

[5:21]to deal with but for the most part being around our parents

[5:26]is one of the greatest opportunities that allah has given us to

[5:32]achieve mercy to achieve success many of us have successful parents spending

[5:38]time with them living with them teaches you how to be successful

[5:44]so there's no doubt my dear brothers and sisters that being with

[5:48]our parents living under one roof with them having shared activities sharing

[5:53]our time with them is a great blessing from allah so now

[5:58]let's examine when should that move happen now there are two dimensions

[6:05]to this question the first one is before marriage let's say when

[6:11]you're 18 up until the moment you get married what is our

[6:16]perspective on that when should you move and then we'll briefly talk

[6:19]about marriage once you get married do you have to move should

[6:25]you move should you not move what is the perspective on that

[6:28]so let's start with the first one a few days ago i

[6:35]was researching reasons why people teenagers leave their parents homes at 18

[6:40]you're told in this society you should leave your parents house we

[6:44]live in a culture that encourages 18 year olds who are now

[6:49]adults to leave their parents homes 18 19 20 get out of

[6:54]that house in fact there are some people who feel embarrassed if

[7:00]they don't because of peer pressure because of their friends because of

[7:06]their society i know some people who are maybe 20 22 they're

[7:09]graduating with their bachelor's degree and their friends ask them you still

[7:13]live with your parents or you plan on going back to your

[7:17]parents house that's kind of embarrassing so we live in a culture

[7:20]that encourages young adults to move out of their parents homes now

[7:29]i was interested to see online what kind of advice is given

[7:34]to these young adults why should you leave your parents homes i

[7:40]was reading some reasons some advice from reputable websites we're talking about

[7:46]websites that people go to seek advice from i would like to

[7:51]share with you some of those responses and let's have a discussion

[7:55]on them let's see if these are valid justified reasons or not

[7:58]so i will read them to you you'll see a lot of

[8:04]websites very popular platforms that will tell you things like 10 signs

[8:08]that it's time to move out of your parents house 16 reasons

[8:14]why you have to get out of your parents home many websites

[8:19]dedicate articles and discussions to this very important point so i will

[8:25]share with you some common reasons shared on these websites here's one

[8:30]of them you should move out of your parents home if you

[8:36]still have a curfew what do you say about that this is

[8:42]a real reason why a lot of people leave home so this

[8:47]is reality is this a justified reason to leave your parents home

[8:51]because you have a curfew it's 10 p.m that's it you have

[8:55]to be back in the house or they'll be on your back

[8:59]if you want to stay out later is this a justified reason

[9:02]to leave your parents home what do you say is there hesitation

[9:10]what do most of you say is that a justified reason why

[9:15]not can someone share with us why this is not a justified

[9:22]reason yes brother so there's a reason why parents have a curfew

[9:42]now the younger generation doesn't really get that it upsets them it

[9:49]disappoints them they think parents are being controlling so here's what i

[9:53]want to ask you next who here maybe 10 15 years ago

[9:59]when you were a teenager and you hated the fact that there

[10:03]was a curfew imposed on you by your parents but now you

[10:08]are a parent and you appreciate why your parents had a curfew

[10:13]anyone here in our crowd tonight who can share that experience do

[10:19]we have any parents with us here tonight raise your hands if

[10:22]you're a parent okay for those of you who are parents do

[10:29]you have a curfew for your children and what i mean by

[10:31]curfew not like a very strict curfew but look there's rules right

[10:35]you can't just come back home whenever you want show up at

[10:40]3 a.m no it's not that easy right we're talking about that

[10:44]kind of a curfew not a martial arts kind of a curfew

[10:49]do you have a curfew for your children do have you set

[10:53]guidelines on when they can come back yes sister okay they don't

[11:05]stay out late so in reality you do have a curfew it's

[11:10]an accepted understood curfew so you do have a curfew there because

[11:14]they already have embraced the idea that you don't you should not

[11:20]stay out late any other thoughts here any other parent who has

[11:26]a curfew yes brother why do you have a curfew for your

[11:29]children what's the point or what are the dangers out there plus

[12:01]for them so you appreciate the fact that she kept you away

[12:19]from certain bad friends yes thank you for sharing that so there

[12:24]are reasons why parents have curfews it doesn't mean they're always right

[12:28]sometimes maybe they're too strict but there's a reason when you become

[12:34]a parent you appreciate it you understand why it's not okay to

[12:38]come back late anytime you want that could lead to a dangerous

[12:48]path it's not that they don't trust you many of us when

[12:51]our parents have a curfew for us we think oh they don't

[12:53]trust me and we hate that it's not that your parents don't

[12:59]trust you they don't trust the society out there can you differentiate

[13:06]between these two you have to differentiate between these two and if

[13:10]you tell me no society is perfectly healthy functional out there i

[13:13]don't know where you're living which metaverse join me let's invite me

[13:20]let me ju let me join you on that meta verse which

[13:22]society do you live in if you think there are no dangers

[13:27]out there there are dangers out there your parents are concerned they

[13:30]want your best they want to protect you so it's not because

[13:32]they don't trust you they don't trust what's out there that's the

[13:39]problem so honestly if you're leaving your parents house just because there's

[13:42]a curfew and that's bothering you or this is one of the

[13:46]major reasons it's time to reconsider that understand there is a reason

[13:50]even if you have to give up some liberties it's for a

[13:52]good cause there are real dangers out there another interesting one that

[13:59]you always see coming up in this discussion is the following you

[14:02]don't have privacy or freedom to do what you want many people

[14:07]many youth they leave their parents home or they would like to

[14:12]leave their parents home because they don't have the privacy and the

[14:15]freedom to do what they want now my follow-up question is what

[14:20]kind of freedoms are we talking about here what is it that

[14:26]you want to do and your parents are getting in the way

[14:28]give me some examples this is a popular reason most people leave

[14:35]their parents home because they want the privacy and the freedom that

[14:38]they want with their parents around they can't really get that give

[14:44]me an example what kind of freedom do you want does your

[14:49]friend want does this teenager want that he can't get when parents

[14:54]are around give me an example of that so we'll try to

[14:56]see if that's justified or not yes brother drinking smoking yes many

[15:05]times people want to drink youngsters or smoke or try different drugs

[15:13]and they know they cannot do that at home it's going to

[15:15]create a problem so that's why they want to leave or sometimes

[15:20]they want to party bring friends over party all night long and

[15:25]you know with parents around you can't do that or you want

[15:29]to have those very late night saharas argyl till dev til fajr

[15:33]actually 10 minutes before federer they sleep and miss the prayer that's

[15:38]what ends up happening right and you know you can't do that

[15:44]in your house you can't do it frequently now honestly all these

[15:47]that have been mentioned are these good things for you to begin

[15:51]with drinking partying spending endless hours in those saharas does that really

[15:58]make you a better person does that make your future better does

[16:01]that bring you closer to allah so is that really a justified

[16:08]reason look at this one this is on a website that gives

[16:10]advice for girls it's a very reputable website see what it says

[16:15]over here with that being said it can be pretty awkward i'm

[16:20]deliberately reading it word for word it can be pretty awkward stumbling

[16:25]through your parents door at 4am half drunk with your makeup in

[16:32]shambles after a night of drinking and partying it's time to get

[16:35]out of your parents home look at the advice that's being given

[16:40]on a reputable website for girls so the justification is you want

[16:45]to party all night long and it's awkward to show up at

[16:47]your parents house at 4 00 am in that state so honestly

[16:53]if this is the main factor is this really justified let's truly

[17:00]reflect on that in fact if your parents are blocking you from

[17:05]anything that's destructive anything that's negative be thankful to allah that is

[17:12]good for you that's good for your future that's good for your

[17:14]spirituality so honestly this is not a justified reason just for you

[17:22]to have the freedom to do what you want you leave the

[17:27]house can you give me an example of a justified reason here

[17:30]where there is something that you want to do but because of

[17:35]your parents you can so obviously not the drinking partying stuff what's

[17:39]something positive that you really want to do but because of your

[17:47]parents you can yes okay that's one interesting reason you want to

[18:06]study but you have younger siblings who cause you distractions and commotion

[18:10]in the house so you can't really focus so she left the

[18:13]sister at age 19 in order to a to be able to

[18:18]focus on her studies is this a justified reason and were there

[18:23]any other alternatives study elsewhere okay now let me ask you for

[18:33]those of you who've gone through the college experience i know you

[18:36]have different colleges different amounts of commitment to studying on average on

[18:42]average how many hours do you really need to study a day

[18:45]on average i know you've got pre-med you've got you know those

[18:49]who want to go to into law school you've got some you

[18:52]know difficult subjects out there and then there's the easier ones on

[18:55]average how many hours realistically speaking do you need to study three

[19:03]to four i agree with that three to four i don't think

[19:08]most of college students study more than three to four hours a

[19:10]day we're talking about three to four continuous hours we're not talking

[19:15]about every 10 minutes you take a break and do something else

[19:18]and check your facebook and instagram and snapchat and tick tock right

[19:22]four hours now this would be an alternative if you need four

[19:29]hours of studying and there's no way you can do that in

[19:33]the house you can go outside the house you can go to

[19:37]a library you can study for four hours and then come back

[19:41]home you can go to a safe place and study you don't

[19:43]necessarily need to move out to get your four hours of study

[19:48]or three hours of studying again we're not judging that sister we

[19:50]don't know her circumstances but if that's your only concern before you

[19:55]take that step and make that decision see if there are alternatives

[19:59]if there are absolutely no alternatives then maybe we can say okay

[20:04]that's a justified reason you need to focus on your studies and

[20:06]you simply cannot at home so this is one very common reason

[20:13]that has been mentioned by many people i want my freedom i

[20:18]want my privacy here's another one you have a toxic relationship with

[20:24]your parents i know this is a sensitive one and a difficult

[20:31]one to address there are types of toxic parents there are some

[20:38]types of toxic parents who are not really toxic their kids accuse

[20:43]them of being toxic i've seen that the young boy or girl

[20:49]is not having the best behavior mom comes and tells them you

[20:55]know this is not right you're a toxic parent don't tell me

[20:57]what to do no sorry i don't accept that that's not a

[21:01]toxic period if your parents are telling you you know what you

[21:06]should do and they're pointing out your bad behavior they're not toxic

[21:11]parents they're doing their job if you call that toxic then all

[21:15]the police out there they're toxic too and all the judges out

[21:18]there they're toxic too and this younger generation honestly they quickly and

[21:27]loosely use this word my mom's toxic my dad is toxic and

[21:31]and sometimes we do have toxic parents but when i talk to

[21:35]some of these young adults or teenagers i realize you know what

[21:39]maybe you're the toxic one or maybe your parents are just doing

[21:43]their job and you don't like it you want to be free

[21:46]you want to do whatever you want and you don't want anyone

[21:48]to tell you anything that's the tick tock generation you want to

[21:52]do whatever you want do anything that's crazy anything that's cool nobody

[21:56]has the right to tell me this is right or wrong but

[22:01]then there are toxic parents there are abusive parents if the toxicity

[22:07]right of the parents is manageable you can learn to ignore it

[22:12]you can try to change that negative atmosphere in the house and

[22:18]believe me many times you can even parents who are illogical difficult

[22:21]to deal with toxic there are ways of dealing with them if

[22:26]you can manage it i would not recommend that you would leave

[22:31]the house but if it becomes unmanageable it's affecting your mental health

[22:38]or there's serious abuse involved yes at that point this would be

[22:41]a justified reason get some help and remember leaving house is not

[22:46]always an easy decision don't leave without a plan consult someone wise

[22:51]get professional help then plan what your next step would be but

[22:55]yes that would be a justified reason if they're very toxic it's

[23:00]affecting your mental health you're becoming dysfunctional or there is serious abuse

[23:06]involved at that point yes that would be a justified reason this

[23:09]could apply to some people but i don't think it applies to

[23:14]most people so this is a common reason that also some young

[23:18]adults have cited i think it's a little bit over exaggerated when

[23:22]they accuse their parents of being toxic but sometimes there is a

[23:27]merit to it here's another one there's a generational difference between the

[23:34]parents and the children and you find that you're always fighting with

[23:39]your parents over petty things so this website says if that's happening

[23:43]it's time to move on here's another interesting one you find that

[23:54]now parents still feel like they own you and they still feel

[23:59]like they own your belongings they still have ownership of your belongings

[24:03]this website says if that's the case it's time to move on

[24:10]or if your siblings are always sharing your items there's no respect

[24:13]for your ownership it's time to leave the house and here's a

[24:20]really bizarre one you buy your food and groceries and you find

[24:24]your parents or siblings eating from it this website says it may

[24:31]be a sign it's time to get your own apartment with your

[24:35]own fridge and pantry i know you're laughing but these are reputable

[24:40]websites where millions of young adults go to for advice i'm reading

[24:48]that i'm like you just overlooked 18 years your parents spent on

[24:54]to you spent on you they shared their food with you you

[24:59]gave them no privacy from when you were an infant until now

[25:02]right and now if your little sibling is eating from the food

[25:09]that you bought you have to leave the house this shows you

[25:14]that we're living in a very selfish self-centered individualistic society and this

[25:24]honestly goes against the beautiful teachings of islam these are your siblings

[25:30]they're not your enemies if they're sharing your items okay it could

[25:33]be annoying but that's okay that's fine where is the spirit of

[25:42]generosity be a leader in the house show others generosity so these

[25:47]are some main reasons why people have mentioned and honestly for for

[25:53]the most part these are not really valid reasons i don't recommend

[25:57]anyone to leave their parents homes just because of these reasons because

[26:01]you want your freedom and what you mean by freedom is what

[26:07]you want to you know stay up all night waste time and

[26:09]then sleep until 12 or 1 and you know parents are not

[26:12]okay with that or god forbid there are so many avenues to

[26:19]sins that can happen outside of the house make sure that your

[26:24]reason is justified and here's where i want your participation give me

[26:29]justified reasons why you should leave your parents house before you get

[26:33]married other than the toxic parents which we have addressed give me

[26:39]justified reasons yes yes sister in the back and you're responsible okay

[27:07]so one suggestion or scenario here is that you're financially stable you're

[27:11]working you can move on you're a decent person you have good

[27:15]luck you'll be safe and fine out there but you want to

[27:21]move on it's time for you to go to another place to

[27:26]move on to nate to take the next big step in your

[27:28]life so there's no problem in your house that you're running away

[27:34]from but you would like to learn how to be independent learn

[27:38]how to live on your own so this could be one reason

[27:43]why some people might leave their parents house what are the pros

[27:48]and cons so the pros are you like to become independent you

[27:52]want to see how you can manage your own apartment your own

[27:56]life pay the bills be responsible that gets you ready for marriage

[28:03]right so that could be one advantage of it what are some

[28:08]other advantages or some disadvantages of that yes brother so even if

[28:45]they're good decent people there's always that concern that they might be

[28:50]influenced by others yes that that would be a valid concern yes

[29:08]brother so you would say that's good actually go live on your

[29:42]own handle the pressures of society that gives you a lot of

[29:44]strength okay so that could be an advantage now let's look at

[29:51]some pros of still staying with your parents one advantage is that

[29:57]you save financially for your future when you live on your own

[30:03]you have to pay your bills you have to pay rent or

[30:05]mortgage or whatever it is you can save all that money by

[30:11]staying with your parents so that you can get married faster sooner

[30:14]i know some people they delay marriage for years and years and

[30:20]years because they can't afford it and one reason why they cannot

[30:23]afford it because right now they have financial obligations right they're just

[30:27]starting to work they're not that established but they still have to

[30:31]pay the rent they have to pay for their own food because

[30:35]they moved out of their parents homes so one advantage of staying

[30:41]with your parents is that you save financially you spend less and

[30:46]so you can save more when you want to get married that

[30:52]makes marriage more accessible so think about that advantage as well yes

[30:58]sister yes so at that age parents need your help they need

[31:29]you to be there right there is an obligation to pay them

[31:36]back that's a very valid point always remember my dear brothers and

[32:02]sisters how much your parents sacrificed for you now that when when

[32:05]they need you they're becoming frail old you suddenly leave them without

[32:11]really a valid reason many times that breaks them and it closes

[32:16]opportunity for you to serve allah subhana ta'ala by serving them too

[32:22]often we forget believe me totally we forget what we made our

[32:26]parents go through i remember once a mother brought her daughter and

[32:31]the mother was crying you know she she told me that my

[32:36]daughter yesterday got physical with me and she pulled my hair and

[32:41]she almost physically hurt me please talk to her 14 year old

[32:44]so i was wondering you know how to open the discussion so

[32:47]i asked her this question i told her what time do you

[32:52]what time do you sleep at night she said you know on

[32:53]average 11 12.

[32:55]i said okay imagine you've had a very long day you're fatigued

[33:00]you're tired at 12 a.m you go to bed you're now in

[33:05]your deep sleep and your comfortable bed 30 minutes after at 12

[33:08]30 somebody wakes you up how would you feel it's like well

[33:13]yeah i wouldn't like it i'll see what's going on i said

[33:18]okay you go back to sleep 30 minutes later at one again

[33:21]they wake you up now how would you feel she said i'd

[33:26]be agitated by now i told her if that happens to you

[33:29]15 times till 7 a.m every 30 minutes somebody wakes you up

[33:34]how would you feel she told me it would be the the

[33:39]worst night miserable night i told her after she admitted that this

[33:43]would be a miserable night i told her how many times did

[33:46]you do that to your mom when you were an infant when

[33:51]you were just born she lowered her head she felt ashamed sometimes

[33:56]you have to remind people we forget she felt ashamed i told

[34:01]her how many times did you do that to your mother i

[34:04]know right now you're going to tell me my mother's being illogical

[34:07]she's this she's that i just want you to remember for many

[34:11]many nights for months you did that to her just don't forget

[34:16]those days that softened her heart that changed her perspective she became

[34:21]tolerant and loving now towards her mother another time i was at

[34:28]a youth discussion and this one young man maybe 15 16.

[34:31]we were talking about difficulties with parents and he shared a very

[34:36]interesting one it tells you how sometimes this generation thinks of difficulties

[34:39]in life he said one of his frustrations is that when they're

[34:46]sitting in the family room or living room watching tv and they're

[34:50]watching a movie or something his father has trouble keeping up with

[34:55]what's being said especially if they're speaking english fast so he keeps

[35:01]pausing the movie or rewinding a few seconds so he can hear

[35:05]he told me say it i can't stand that anymore my dad

[35:10]ruins my movie experience every few minutes he's gotta stop it and

[35:14]pause it and we rage i looked at him i told him

[35:22]okay fair fair objection let me ask you a question when you

[35:24]were a little child what was your favorite cartoon i don't exactly

[35:30]remember what he said i think maybe he said tom and jerry

[35:33]i told him okay how many times did you force your parents

[35:38]to see the same old boring episode because you were in control

[35:44]you wanted to see it a hundred times and you forced them

[35:48]to see it with you a hundred times how many times did

[35:52]you do that did you do that to your dad now it's

[35:54]payback time it's okay if he pauses it and he ruins it

[36:00]many times you ruined what your parents wanted to see he wanted

[36:03]to see the news you kept crying and nagging and you wanted

[36:06]to see that favorite episode of tom and jerry it's okay he

[36:10]calmed down he felt embarrassed sometimes you just have to give these

[36:14]reminders my dear brothers and sisters so as the sister said it's

[36:19]time to pay back your parents don't just selfishly think of yourself

[36:24]when you're leaving even if you kind of have a semi legitimate

[36:29]reason but remember that you should be there for your parents too

[36:34]allah appreciates that more pay them back help them but at the

[36:39]same time you do have a valid point sometimes you want to

[36:43]establish yourself you want to have real life experience let me try

[36:45]let me see if i can manage my life there is some

[36:51]merit to that how about this reason is this justified you're smart

[36:56]mashaallah you got accepted to many good schools some of them are

[37:00]in the area some of them are out of state you got

[37:03]accepted into an ivy league you have to go to massachusetts you

[37:07]have to go to new york you have to go to some

[37:07]other state and your parents are having mixed feelings or they're not

[37:15]really okay with that especially i'll be honest because in our community

[37:21]we have two standards for boys and girls especially if you're a

[37:25]girl your parents are not going to be comfortable you going and

[37:30]studying abroad or to another state what do we do in these

[37:34]situations should you move out of your parents house for the next

[37:37]four or five years because you'd like to go to another school

[37:41]you have an opportunity here let's say you got accepted at um

[37:46]ann arbor great school but the university of chicago also gave you

[37:50]an offer or some other university so you have two options maybe

[37:57]that outside out of state school is a little bit better ranks

[38:01]a little bit higher so should you leave for this reason or

[38:05]no let's start with the sisters tell us if this is a

[38:12]good reason to leave or not yes why not you're going to

[38:17]a great school sometimes you might not be able to afford it

[38:34]or you will financially burden them because you know they're not going

[38:39]to let go of you they'll still spend on you but what's

[38:41]the problem in going to another state going to a great university

[38:44]what's what's the issue are there any concerns what are the concerns

[39:01]that's a very valid concern see there are some concerns only you

[39:07]as a parent you understand i'll be honest with you right now

[39:11]i as a parent the idea of sending one of my children

[39:13]to out of state to this university i don't know anyone there

[39:17]i don't know who his roommates are going to be what kind

[39:23]of environment is there right off the bat i'm concerned not because

[39:27]i'm irrational or illogical because the opportunities and the chances for danger

[39:35]are great at least in my area i kind of know what

[39:37]my children are up to even though some parents believe me they

[39:41]have no idea what their children are up to but at least

[39:45]my my radar is stronger in the area but once you go

[39:51]out of state we parents we have legitimate concerns where are you

[39:56]going what kind of atmosphere are you going to be we know

[39:58]that in some of these good schools academically they're great schools they

[40:02]score a plus morally what how do they score morally how do

[40:09]they score sometimes you'll find the greatest levels of immorality on college

[40:16]campuses and college dorms i'm not comfortable sending my kids blindly i

[40:20]need to know where are they going not because i don't trust

[40:23]them again what you don't trust me didn't you raise me dad

[40:28]didn't you raise me mom how come you don't trust me baby

[40:30]i trust you i don't trust that environment imagine two years ago

[40:38]in the first days of the pandemic where you know everyone was

[40:42]going crazy over it imagine if your parents tell you please don't

[40:47]go outside of the house for the next two weeks let's see

[40:49]what this virus is all about imagine you look at your parents

[40:54]you tell them what you don't trust me does that sound absurd

[41:00]why does it sound absurd you all laughed why does that sound

[41:06]absurd exactly it's not that they don't trust you they don't trust

[41:15]the virus right not you because they don't know when the virus

[41:18]is going to strike so sometimes we have moral viruses out there

[41:26]seriously and so as a parent i would be concerned sometimes sending

[41:29]my children to another place so understand that there are concerns it

[41:34]doesn't mean you cannot go it doesn't mean but just understand there

[41:40]are valid concerns yes sister you may not have that wisdom thank

[42:23]you for sharing that that is a valid concern many times when

[42:27]you come home you're coming to parents who have wisdom who have

[42:29]tried many of the things that you're going to try they have

[42:34]a lot of experience don't underestimate the experience that your parents have

[42:38]don't always try to reinvent the wheel they've got a lot of

[42:43]experience so now let's go back to this point of view going

[42:45]to another state for studying now from a fake illegal perspective as

[42:53]long as you are guaranteed a good moral environment you've chosen your

[42:58]roommate you know whom you're going to spend time with if you've

[43:03]guaranteed all of that it's not haram to leave your parents home

[43:07]and go to another state to study even for the sisters in

[43:13]the school of albeit we don't have a condition that other schools

[43:17]of thought have you will find in many sunni schools of thought

[43:21]they will tell you that a woman cannot travel without a mahram

[43:24]without like a blood relative or she cannot go and study abroad

[43:29]without a mahram they have that in their hadiths but in our

[43:36]school of thought as long as you're guaranteed that you will be

[43:42]safe you have a good moral environment over there your deen will

[43:45]be protected your morality will be protected it's not haram technically it's

[43:50]not haram you just have to weigh the pros and cons is

[43:55]it worth it to go to that new environment out there there

[44:00]might be dangers that i'm not aware of is it worth it

[44:03]for me to put myself at risk let's face it even at

[44:09]good schools not all college students are so committed to their academic

[44:12]schedule such that they're studying all day long and all night long

[44:16]sometimes they study good for three four days and then three days

[44:20]on the weekends they turn into animals i've seen it myself seriously

[44:24]it's all about partying on the weekends it may get to you

[44:30]my dear brothers and sisters i say this with all honesty as

[44:32]brotherly advice i know good people good people in our community good

[44:39]brothers and sisters very decent they came from the best families they

[44:43]went to another state for studying things took a different turn and

[44:51]it was unexpected they never had those bad intentions but you're just

[44:54]surrounded with this environment of immorality how much can you say no

[45:00]don't always trust yourself and say no any environment you put me

[45:05]i'm going to survive you never know you don't know that that's

[45:09]like telling yourself yeah i trust my immune system yeah allah put

[45:13]me in any you know situation where there are viruses i'll handle

[45:17]it no rational person would do that some things your immune system

[45:22]can handle some things it cannot and many times you don't know

[45:25]until you actually go through it i think sometimes we trust ourselves

[45:31]too much that's one of the windows of shaytan when you trust

[45:35]yourself too much believe in yourself be confident but also take measures

[45:41]to protect yourself so if you want to move to another state

[45:46]to another college you have to have a convincing reason there should

[45:51]be a compelling reason why you would you leave your family and

[45:57]go to that place yes if you're going to a college place

[45:58]where there's a muslim community there are good people there you have

[46:02]family there you kind of know the environment okay i would be

[46:10]okay with that that's fine but if you're going to this college

[46:12]town you don't know anyone over there you honestly don't know the

[46:17]environment there you don't know what type of people you will end

[46:21]up with i would hesitate i would not take that risk even

[46:24]if that school is a little bit better than the school i

[46:28]can get here because my moral existence and spiritual existence is more

[46:34]important than my academic career i'll say that with firmness and clarity

[46:39]i know some people criticize that to them the academics are the

[46:45]lord that you worship it's the most important thing if you have

[46:51]10 phds but you don't have morality what's the point what have

[46:54]you achieved what have you achieved in life you think those people

[46:59]that the quran condemns they were people who were uneducated or people

[47:06]who were dumb tyrants criminals corrupt people they're some of the smartest

[47:12]people on earth if you check their iq it's probably 200.

[47:15]that's why they're so effective intelligence itself does not guarantee success my

[47:21]dear brothers and sisters many times that intelligence can be used against

[47:25]the laws of allah subhanahu ta'ala against morality so i have my

[47:32]own hesitations and reservations on quickly going to another state just because

[47:37]you got accepted to a good school make sure the environment is

[47:44]safe a hundred percent make sure whom you're going to associate with

[47:47]make sure you have a plan for yourself where you're very busy

[47:52]away from all that negativity then it's something you can consider but

[47:56]i know some youth no that's it they want to leave their

[48:01]city they're looking for the opportunity to go to another state they

[48:05]want to get away from their community from their family why what

[48:09]are you getting away from again it goes back to our previous

[48:12]discussion what kind of freedoms are you looking for are these legitimate

[48:16]freedoms or not yes brother that they will go there and not

[48:55]come back they'll have their own life there okay now now to

[49:00]play the advocate of the other side why is that necessarily bad

[49:05]so the brother here who's a professor he's he deals with students

[49:10]he's like many times this happens you'll go to another state for

[49:13]an internship or for a school opportunity you end up staying out

[49:17]of state you start your life there and you won't really come

[49:21]back to your parents or to your hometown so one could say

[49:24]why is that bad okay let me go to another place and

[49:27]you know build my life there what's the problem what would be

[49:30]the concern in your opinion um you need a community yes that's

[50:23]that's a very interesting perspective that we have from a parent here

[50:26]who you know went to another state but then realized the importance

[50:32]of having a community here institutions programs community support system where you

[50:38]can rely on you know for the future of your children thank

[50:42]you for sharing that so my my advice is my dear brothers

[50:47]and sisters if you're going out of state for a short time

[50:50]a quick summer internship that lasts for a month and you really

[50:55]want those skills to broaden your horizon in the future and you're

[50:58]guaranteed it's a good environment by all means that's fine but for

[51:02]you to go for years and years to a completely new place

[51:07]and you cannot really guarantee what kind of environment you're going into

[51:13]i would not recommend that for most people there might be exceptions

[51:17]i acknowledge that but i don't recommend that for most people i've

[51:20]known many decent people believe me some of them i remember when

[51:23]i was growing up in california my grandfather there had established an

[51:27]islamic school and i really wanted to go to an islamic school

[51:30]so i spent a few years with him i had some of

[51:33]my best friends when they graduated from high school they went to

[51:37]another city for college the first thing happened six months later i

[51:42]noticed they went into drugs believe me decent decent you know children

[51:48]who were in the same environment i was in i was shocked

[51:52]within six months that happened yeah it's the college experience i wouldn't

[51:58]trust you know myself going to a dangerous environment like that i'll

[52:03]be very honest with you there must be a pressing reason why

[52:07]you would do you would go there yes right those grandparents who

[52:39]are overseas yeah that that is unfortunately a challenge you know some

[52:44]parents had to move due to war conditions or financial crises and

[52:47]you know the younger generation is away from their grandparents so create

[52:53]that atmosphere as much as you can over here that would be

[52:57]a great solution i would like to share with you before we

[53:00]move on quickly to the next point getting married and staying with

[53:05]your parents i would like to share with you what one brother

[53:09]told me about his experience staying with his parents before he got

[53:13]married there was the pressure on him to move when he went

[53:18]to college to completely move away from his parents i would like

[53:22]to read to you his exact words he says i would have

[53:27]missed out on some of the most life changing lessons and experiences

[53:31]i learned from my parents during my years living with them and

[53:35]going to college i was so much more mature than i was

[53:40]in middle school or high school and this period of being with

[53:43]them 18 to 24 allowed me to grow an extremely strong bond

[53:47]and make lifelong memories with my parents it truly prepared me for

[53:54]my career and my marital life and made me more mature and

[53:56]responsible had i moved out god knows where i would be and

[54:01]how i'd be thinking so having my parents around to keep me

[54:04]in line during those sensitive college years saved me from many potential

[54:11]mistakes there is a lot of barakah in staying with your parents

[54:15]my dear brothers and sisters the default stay with them seek the

[54:19]barakah from them help them be there for them there must be

[54:24]a pressing reason a compelling reason why you're leaving cannot be a

[54:29]selfish reason but truly a noble reason why you have to leave

[54:33]them so it's not haram to leave them right we don't say

[54:37]that islamically you have to be staying in your parents home till

[54:40]the rest of your lives no but seek the barakah from them

[54:46]believe me they will give you the best environment for most parents

[54:49]and families they will give you the best environment in the house

[54:52]there are some toxic environments we address that sometimes you need to

[54:55]move out of a toxic environment now my dear brothers and sisters

[55:01]the last point briefly so now you're getting married you definitely have

[55:06]to leave your parents home right in fact in our western society

[55:12]it's a complete embarrassment to stay with your parents and be married

[55:16]just doesn't work like that but let's briefly have a discussion i

[55:23]do acknowledge that when you get married that's it it's your new

[55:27]milestone it's a new chapter in your life you'd like to move

[55:31]on establish yourself grow with your spouse together so you need your

[55:38]privacy you need your own house that is a valid reason however

[55:43]my dear brothers and sisters my concern is don't stipulate it as

[55:48]a condition that only and only if i can afford a house

[55:53]i will leave i will get married there are some people who

[56:01]cannot afford to go to a new place but they have their

[56:03]privacy in their parents homes i know some people mashallah their parents

[56:08]have a beautiful house it's a pretty spacious house they can have

[56:11]a whole basement or a whole wing or a section what's wrong

[56:16]in starting your marital life and slowly in the next few years

[56:23]what's once you're more financially stable you can go into your own

[56:28]new place what's wrong with that why is this something we're not

[56:32]considering anymore this is not something that this generation is considering yes

[56:40]sister it can affect your marriage yes that's a valid concern if

[57:00]in the house there's a lot of interference from the in-laws from

[57:05]the parents and this is going to affect your marriage i don't

[57:08]recommend staying with your parents because that will make you better with

[57:12]your parents and with your spouse you don't want to put yourself

[57:16]in that situation but my dear brothers and sisters this isn't always

[57:21]the case with everyone there are some very understanding loving parents who

[57:28]give their newlywed son or daughter their privacy they don't really interfere

[57:34]they give them some general guidance there are such scenarios as well

[57:39]i think we have this assumption that all parents once we get

[57:42]married if we stay with them they're going to interfere and get

[57:44]involved and ruin our marriage that's not true some parents are like

[57:51]that some are not so you have to assess it case by

[57:56]case why do we have this rule that must be enforced on

[57:59]everyone that's it you cannot stay with your parents if you're married

[58:04]done no discussion close the file why it depends if your parents

[58:10]are the type who are going to get involved and interfere and

[58:13]that's going to affect your marriage okay i understand that that's a

[58:18]valid concern but if they're understanding and you can tell that you

[58:22]know during the engagement process they weren't really you know pushy on

[58:26]anything and they'll give you your privacy that's okay i know many

[58:31]people who started the first two three years in their parents homes

[58:35]alhamdulillah they have a very successful stable marriage it can work out

[58:39]so i agree for many people it may not work out but

[58:43]for some it can and my honest request from parents please don't

[58:50]interfere in the marriage of your children i say it with humbleness

[58:55]and respect give them guidance i know they're still your children give

[59:00]them general proper guidance do what you can but don't interfere many

[59:05]marriages have ended in this community because of parental interference i will

[59:12]say that that's it they've reached a stage in their life let

[59:16]them figure it out you don't have to figure out everything for

[59:19]them be creative effective find effective ways if you see something's wrong

[59:27]to correct it don't interfere that interference ruins their lives many good

[59:31]marriages were ruined because of parental interference so we shouldn't really interfere

[59:38]my dear brothers and sisters when our children get married give them

[59:41]proper guidance as long as they've chosen someone who's decent who's good

[59:45]leave the rest to allah subhanahu wa ta'ala we don't control our

[59:51]children some parents think they own and they control their children we

[59:55]don't we give them proper guidance leave the rest with allah subhanahu

[59:59]wa ta'ala so i do agree that in our generation given our

[60:02]culture for a lot of people it's difficult to stay with your

[60:08]parents when you get married but for some people this could be

[60:11]workable especially if you need a little bit more time to financially

[60:15]establish yourself and you want to get married that's fine islam encourages

[60:19]early marriage one reason why today marriage is being postponed is because

[60:26]of this factor many people cannot afford their place at 22 23

[60:32]24 25 26 you got to be 30 to afford your own

[60:36]place and pay all of your bills for a lot of people

[60:41]that is the case now if i'm postponing marriage to 30 just

[60:44]because of this factor we have a problem all these years you're

[60:49]missing out to create a family to live with a loved one

[60:55]so if staying in your parents house means you can get a

[61:01]few years you know you can get married a few years in

[61:04]advance and you know you can manage it your parents give you

[61:09]respect your privacy go for it i know society says no that's

[61:14]hype but in allah allah's eyes it's not my dear brothers and

[61:18]sisters so again it's a case-by-case basis any final questions thoughts yes

[61:25]sister okay so if one of your children got divorced and they

[61:45]have their own children is it okay for them the example given

[61:48]as a daughter can she live on her on her own with

[61:51]their children yes she can of course islamically there is no obligation

[61:56]for her to go and live with someone or to go back

[61:58]to her parents house she can live on her own now is

[62:03]that good or bad it depends on the situation you know sometimes

[62:08]going to her parents house for emotional psychological other types of support

[62:11]that that could be needed and sometimes not but islamically it's not

[62:17]obligatory for her to go to her parents house any final thoughts

[62:24]questions yes brother okay so we end with this question let's say

[62:39]your parents are the ones who are pushing you out they're telling

[62:44]you that's it you know we need to move on or for

[62:45]whatever reason you have to go and find your own place if

[62:49]your parents are asking you to leave i mean at that point

[62:54]you really don't have many options available right what i would do

[62:57]in that case i would find a safe space to move to

[63:03]make arrangements see people in the community that you trust see brothers

[63:07]that you trust and let them know that my parents are asking

[63:11]me to move out and i'm looking for a safe place to

[63:15]move out and there are many many good networks in our community

[63:19]so through nonprofit organizations through mosques youth groups approach them get to

[63:25]know the brothers and tell them that i would like to move

[63:30]out my parents you know they maybe one parent got remarried or

[63:33]whatever you know things happen that parents would ask you to move

[63:39]out so at that point you have no option but to move

[63:41]out but it's okay don't let that make you lose hope or

[63:44]give you anxiety there are good people out there in the community

[63:50]just make sure that you go to a safe environment you go

[63:53]to a safe place where there are people who are god-fearing and

[63:57]they uphold moral values so i would get involved in youth groups

[64:00]as a great starting point yes brother yes and we'll conclude with

[64:08]that allah foreign thank you for that and that's a beautiful concluding

[65:24]remark when you decide to move on let's say you've done your

[65:28]calculations and thoughts and pros and cons and you really feel that

[65:31]you should move out at the end of the day you should

[65:35]move out with the blessings of your parents with their satisfaction because

[65:39]displeasing parents hurting parents is a major sin if i move and

[65:47]my parents will be hurt it's a solid no from them and

[65:51]i could not convince them if you can try to convince them

[65:53]that's fine let them see your perspective if they're not on board

[66:00]with you they don't bless that move they're opposed to it and

[66:03]they will tell you that we're not pleased with that you will

[66:05]hurt us if you move honestly at that point you have to

[66:12]reconsider because hurting parents as one hadith that is being undutiful towards

[66:21]parents which is a major sin in the eyes of allah subhanahu

[66:25]ta'ala that if it involves displeasing them hurting them that becomes a

[66:33]major sin so even when you move when you decide to move

[66:35]make sure that they bless that yes there are some special circumstances

[66:42]as we've said if it's a toxic environment there's serious abuse and

[66:45]sometimes you have to get help and move that's a different situation

[66:48]but in other situations make sure that you convince your parents if

[66:54]you could may allah bless you if you couldn't i would not

[66:58]move again parents yes sometimes the parents tell you okay fine we

[67:04]prefer that you stay but if you want to go go in

[67:08]the end they've given you permission there's room to accept that scenario

[67:13]as well sometimes but if it's a solid no my dear brothers

[67:16]and sisters it's haram to hurt parents it's haram to hurt parents

[67:23]and you're all familiar with that hadith from the prophet salallahu where

[67:28]a young man came to him when the prophet was mobilizing muslim

[67:33]men to battlefield to defend medina to defend islam he was the

[67:41]only son that they had he came to the prophet he told

[67:45]them allah can i join you the prophet told them your parents

[67:48]are they okay with it he said no they prefer i stay

[67:53]with them the prophet told him for them to enjoy your company

[67:59]one night is better in the eyes of allah than you fighting

[68:02]on the battlefield just keep that in mind these are the words

[68:07]of the prophet salallahu for you to stay with them and they

[68:15]enjoy your company for one night that's better in the eyes of

[68:18]allah than you going and dying on the battlefield imagine the great

[68:22]honor and reward don't always follow what society is telling you or

[68:27]your counselor what your counselor is telling you also try to know

[68:33]what allah subhanahu ta'ala wants from you at the end of the

[68:35]day we live in this world for allah and we want to

[68:39]see what allah wants from us so thank you for that reminder

[68:42]my dear brothers and sisters i would like to thank you for

[68:45]your participation in our program tonight may allah bless you all and

[68:50]may allah protect you all and i ask you all my dear

[68:54]brothers and sisters before you leave to recite surat al-fatiha on the

[68:58]souls of the shuhada who were killed in peshawar today in pakistan

[69:04]nearly 60 our worshipers were killed in a masjid when a bomb

[69:09]was detonated during friday prayer as they were worshipping we ask allah

[69:14]to give their families patience to cope with this tragedy to bless

[69:17]their souls so let's end by reciting surat al-fatiha on behalf of

[69:22]their souls

0 تعليقات

التالي

When Should I Move Out of My Parents House? - Sayed Mohammad Baqer Qazwini | Muslim Youth Connection

Transcript

التالي

استكشاف المزيد

يرجى ملاحظة أنه إذا كان عمرك أقل من 18 عامًا ، فلن تتمكن من الوصول إلى هذا الموقع.

التالي

When Should I Move Out of My Parents House? - Sayed Mohammad Baqer Qazwini | Muslim Youth Connection

Transcript

التالي

استكشاف المزيد

اختيار طريقة الدفع

لغة