Night 9 - How to Deal with Abusive Parents | Shaykh Azhar Nasser, Muharram 2023

7 المشاهدات· 23/07/28

Wessex Jamaat
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Muharram Majalis 1445/2023 Wessex Jamaat Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this program are those of the speakers and do not necessarily represent or reflect the views or position of Wessex Jamaat & Al Mahdi Centre, its affiliates, members, office bearers or Trustees. Donate now & support the majalis at: https://www.paypal.com/donate/?hosted_button_id=WZCEZ9L6DKBZ2 Guest Speaker: Shaykh Azhar Nasser, Tasneem Institute Venue: Al Mahdi Centre, Wessex Jamaat

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Transcript

[0:02]as many of you will know shaykh azhar nasr is the religious

[0:08]director of curriculum planning and a founder of the tasnim institute before

[0:13]the this evening i'd like to invite shaykh azhar to share a

[0:17]little bit more information about the institute can i ask that we

[0:21]will join can i ask that we will welcome shaykh with the

[0:24]recitation of respected elders brothers and sisters i don't normally make announcements

[1:01]but i believe that this is definitely worthy of sharing with you

[1:09]i co founded an organization called tasnim institute back in 2017 about

[1:16]six years ago and you may ask what is tasneem institute what

[1:23]does it do tasneem institute is organization that focuses on islamic education

[1:31]especially islamic education after madrasa if you look at the muslim world

[1:37]today you see that madrasah our islamic education at least the formal

[1:42]islamic education goes from about kindergarten and then it continues until a

[1:47]youth is about 15 16 years old they graduate and then their

[1:52]formal structured islamic education comes to an end probably at the worst

[1:57]time possible a time in which they probably need the most guidance

[2:02]the most knowledge and direction they're kind of left to fend with

[2:05]themselves they're not equipped with the knowledge that they need to navigate

[2:09]the complexities of this world the challenges that they're going to face

[2:13]in secondary school in university another issue that we see is that

[2:19]even in our own communities you can attend majalis for decades you

[2:26]hear a little bit of information about one subject a little bit

[2:29]more information about another subject but you really never understand how all

[2:33]of this is tied together in fact the reality is that you

[2:40]probably retain very little from what you hear from the majalis maybe

[2:44]20% 10% and therefore what you receive from the mimbar in general

[2:51]is not a real islamic education they're just reminders now tasnim institute

[3:02]was founded to kind of fill in a gap there's a gap

[3:06]because after madrasa there's nothing and a lot of people want something

[3:12]that's a little bit more deep than what they receive from the

[3:15]mimbar so we wanted to fill in the gap between what is

[3:19]offered from the pulpits and the hawzah most people can't go to

[3:23]an islamic seminary and deepen their islamic knowledge so the idea is

[3:28]we want to offer something that's a little bit more than what

[3:33]is shared from the pulpits in terms of depth but a little

[3:37]bit less than the rigour that is expected of you the intellectual

[3:41]rigour that is expected of you from the hausa so therefore we

[3:45]ended up spending the past six years designing crash courses on a

[3:53]wide range of subjects everything from islamic history to islamic law islamic

[3:58]ethics islamic spirituality and so on and so forth now i know

[4:03]it's 2023 and human beings probably have the shortest attention span in

[4:10]human history we've become a community where our islamic knowledge comes from

[4:15]tweets and sixty second clips now in order to adapt to the

[4:23]short attention spans we offer courses that are very short you can

[4:29]probably finish every course within five to six hours the lessons are

[4:34]very short five minute lessons ten minute lessons all of the courses

[4:38]come with very detailed notes notes that you can refer to there

[4:44]are about 30 of them available i've taught many of them myself

[4:49]and if you've been enjoying these lectures these lectures are kind of

[4:54]just like the surface of what you can actually learn and what

[4:58]you can actually access through tasneem institute so i'd like to invite

[5:03]everyone here to join tasneem institute so that our islamic education doesn't

[5:12]stop after the first two weeks in muharram and it doesn't only

[5:19]continue next ramadan because that's usually when we receive the bulk of

[5:24]our islamic information we want to establish a little bit of continuity

[5:28]when it comes to our islamic education so therefore tonight sign up

[5:37]and make a commitment because one of the things that imam al

[5:40]hussain died for allah imam al hussain sacrificed his life and his

[5:52]family and imam asajjad he says 18 family members of imam al

[5:57]husayn were martyred these 18 there is no one equal to them

[6:02]on the face of the earth the most noble people sacrificed their

[6:07]lives for what for islam what is islam islam is the quran

[6:13]islam is the teachings of ahlul bayt so if we truly want

[6:18]to honor the legacy of imam al hussein we have to commit

[6:23]ourselves to islamic learning so tonight insha'allah in the coming days make

[6:29]an effort to sign up and the reason why it's not free

[6:33]people always ask how come it's not free because if it's free

[6:38]you don't value it and it's a very nominal fee the fees

[6:43]really go to fund projects like releasing documentaries many of you have

[6:49]seen some of the documentaries we've produced last year we produced a

[6:52]documentary called the story of a'shura how the story of imam al

[6:56]hussein was preserved and passed down from generation to generation how do

[6:59]we know about what happened on that day and we also released

[7:04]a documentary this past month of ramadan the brother of the prophet

[7:08]a high quality documentary on the life and legacy of imam ali

[7:12]ibn abi talib you might have noticed that there is a table

[7:15]out there where you have publications these are books that we've published

[7:19]through tasneem a lot of research a lot of work has gone

[7:22]behind the production of that literature there is a book out there

[7:27]there are 15 copies left i think every shia household needs to

[7:31]get a copy of that book because it's a book that goes

[7:34]into a detailed analysis of ayatul taqiyyah many of you think that

[7:40]you can defend your aqidah if you speak to people of other

[7:43]sects but i promise you you're probably not well equipped it exposes

[7:48]you to all of the sunni contentions to ayatul tabhir and it

[7:54]responds to all of the main arguments the main arguments that have

[7:58]been put forward by sunni olama across the centuries it's a book

[8:02]that i would highly highly recommend that you get your hands on

[8:06]so i want to invite all of you to be a part

[8:09]of this community i teach many of the courses myself we have

[8:14]respected scholars like sheikh bahamandpur and others who also teach these courses

[8:19]if you can't attend the live sessions the videos are recorded the

[8:23]modules are there the notes are there you receive certificates of completion

[8:28]and students who are able to complete 10 courses before the end

[8:31]of the year they enter to win a raffle for a free

[8:35]ziyara trip so we're trying to encourage and incentivize people to invest

[8:40]in their islamic education so we are going to send inshaallah the

[8:47]details in an email and again i invite all of you to

[8:52]please join our community of active learners muhammad once again i'd like

[9:07]to encourage all of the to have a look at the institute

[9:10]website and do consider signing up it's a truly wonderful resource and

[9:15]inshallah i pray that the mumminin of wessex jamat we can all

[9:17]make use of this inshallah mumminin these programs of azadari we are

[9:24]only able to hold these with the supports the generous support of

[9:28]our donors and all of the community members who donate and support

[9:32]these programs to find out a little bit more about this i'd

[9:37]like to once again ask you to turn your attention to the

[9:40]screens where we'll be displaying another short video clip and first can

[9:45]i ask that we recite one loud salawat to muhammad calling all

[10:47]superheroes we are young hussainis and we need your help to make

[10:54]our center a fun and loving place your donations will light up

[11:01]our hearts spread the teachings of ahlul brait and bring smiles to

[11:06]our faces our little a seven year old ambassador of westingstromat a

[11:52]dream of a space filled with love and wisdom with your generous

[11:56]support we can create a wonderful place to learn about islam and

[12:01]honor the teachings of ahmad bay i'm part of the junior volunteers

[12:06]team here at wessex jamar can i request another salawat for all

[13:09]of the young children who helped in producing that video and those

[13:13]helped to develop the video muhammad of our target we have raised

[13:24]so far just over £17,000 however we still have some way to

[13:28]go with your support insha'allah to help us reach our target you

[13:33]can donate any amount via the paypal link that has been circulated

[13:36]by email and whatsapp and in the youtube description or alternatively use

[13:41]the qr code on screen you can also sign up to our

[13:45]tiered sponsorship scheme the details for which are on screen and have

[13:49]been circulated once again we encourage every family within wessex jamarth to

[13:54]contribute at whichever tier they can afford to help us uphold the

[13:58]azzadari of abba abdullah may your donations be a source of blessings

[14:03]for you your families and your during these holy nights inshaallah inshallah

[14:11]evening shaykh azhar nasr will be continuing his series on the topic

[14:15]of fortifying our families the topic for tonight will be how to

[14:20]deal with abusive parents can i ask all the mukminin to join

[14:24]me in welcoming sheikh azhar with the recitation of three loud salawats

[14:27]muhammad respected elders brothers and sisters this ayah from surat al isra

[17:09]allah begins with a declaration your lord has ordained that you shall

[17:23]not worship anyone but him the verse begins by highlighting the greatest

[17:32]right that is upon us and that is haqqullah the right of

[17:40]allah subhanahu wa ta'ala even if you look at risalatul khukuq the

[17:47]charter of rights by imam zainul abideen and subhanallah ahlul bayt were

[17:52]speaking about rights long before any you know human rights organizations in

[17:59]risalat al huqq imam zainul abidin begins with haqqullah before he speaks

[18:06]about the rights of an individual the parents the neighbor the first

[18:11]right the most important the foundation of all rights is haqqullah and

[18:18]the greatest right that allah has over us is the right to

[18:22]be worshipped we have no right to ascribe partners with allah subhanahu

[18:28]wa ta'ala now in this ayah after affirming the greatest of rights

[18:36]after emphasizing the importance of tawheed immediately after allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

[18:44]says what allah subhanahu wa ta'ala he didn't mention prayer he didn't

[18:52]mention zakat hums hajj immediately after tawheed there is the command and

[19:01]the instruction for a person to be good to their parents now

[19:07]the reason i'm mentioning this in the introduction is the purpose of

[19:12]this lecture is not for kids to quickly label their parents as

[19:21]abusive this is important to note i want to spend a little

[19:27]bit of time just reminding ourselves of our duty towards our parents

[19:33]allah expects us to be kind and respectful to our parents because

[19:39]allah gave us the ultimate through our parents allah gave you the

[19:44]gift of existence of life through the wasilah of your parents you

[19:50]have to respect that now there are some kids who come up

[19:59]to me and they say shaykh my my father he's so emotionally

[20:03]abusive why is he emotionally abusive because he doesn't want you to

[20:07]be out at 2am because he cares about you that's not abuse

[20:12]you know sometimes there are people who have mental health issues i'm

[20:17]not denying it and i get to say that because i'm i

[20:19]have spoken about this issue more than many there are some that

[20:24]use mental health as a cop out just because your parents have

[20:32]rules it doesn't mean that they're emotionally abusing you there are some

[20:39]sisters shaykh my mother has been all over me she's she emotionally

[20:43]abuses me no your your mother just doesn't want you to post

[20:48]inappropriate pictures on instagram so sometimes we have to take a minute

[20:53]and ask ourselves are we being too dramatic because sometimes some kids

[20:58]are a little too dramatic now yes there are instances where there

[21:03]is real abuse but i feel that we live in a time

[21:08]where people have become you know for lack of a better word

[21:12]there's a kind of a snowflake complex just wait to everything is

[21:17]hurtful to you everything is imprisonment when you have kids believe me

[21:23]you are not gonna want them running around town at 2am you

[21:30]might think your parents are abusive because they don't give you any

[21:32]freedom no they're trying to protect they're trying to prevent you from

[21:35]abusing yourself so that has to be mentioned as a sort of

[21:40]disclaimer you know sometimes a lot of kids think their parents are

[21:45]abusive but then when you listen to both sides you realize that

[21:49]they're not abusive they just have something called rules they have expectations

[21:56]it's not a jungle you don't just get to do whatever you

[21:58]want now with that said before we speak about how to deal

[22:05]with abusive parents we have to first remind ourselves of this great

[22:13]duty that is upon us and that is it's not something that

[22:18]we should take lightly i'll share just a couple of hadith with

[22:22]you and then we'll get into the core of our discussion he

[22:34]says there was a young man a man who came to the

[22:39]prophet he comes to the prophet and the prophet was organizing it

[22:51]seems that he was organizing some military campaign there was gonna be

[22:56]a battle so he comes to the prophet and says you rasoolallah

[23:00]i want to fight i desire to be with you to join

[23:06]your ranks and i wanna fight fees abillillah and i have the

[23:10]strength and i'm very passionate about this i wanna defend my religion

[23:14]in the battlefield so the prophet says that's wonderful we need people

[23:22]who are gonna fight and defend islam the prophet says that's beautiful

[23:32]that's good if you fight in the battlefield in defense of islam

[23:37]and the muslims and you are killed you will be murdered and

[23:43]a martyr is alive in the presence of his lord receiving sustenance

[23:48]and then the prophet says if you don't die in the battle

[23:56]but you maybe die on the journey to the battle something happens

[23:58]and you die before the battle your reward is with god allah

[24:04]subhanahu wa ta'ala is still going to reward you immensely come out

[24:11]with it if you come back let's say that we're we're we're

[24:14]victorious you fight in battle you don't die and you return the

[24:20]prophet says you will have been forgiven for all of your sins

[24:25]you would have come back leaving behind all the sins that you've

[24:28]committed as the day that you were born so the prophet here

[24:34]is speaking about the incomprehensible reward of jihad fissabill allah the great

[24:42]reward that is given to those who fight in the way of

[24:45]allah subhanahu wa ta'ala but this this man has a problem he

[24:49]says to the prophet he says you rasulullah i have two elderly

[24:59]parents my two elderly parents and you could tell there's a little

[25:13]bit of tension between him and his parents he says they claim

[25:16]that my presence and me staying behind will give them comfort and

[25:22]they enjoy my company and they don't want me to leave what

[25:27]does the prophet say now it seems that the prophet had enough

[25:30]men in his army where they could get by they don't need

[25:33]more help because if it was necessary and islam was in danger

[25:38]people have to join the prophet but here because the prophet had

[25:42]enough men in his army what does he say to this man

[25:45]the prophet says stay with your elderly parents don't come to battle

[25:53]why the prophet says i swear by the one in whose hand

[26:02]is my soul the prophet says i swear by allah that spending

[26:16]one day with these elderly parents of yours and keeping them company

[26:22]and making them happy that has more tawab more reward in the

[26:27]sight of allah than one year of fighting in the battles imagine

[26:33]that you know there are some people today they just want to

[26:37]run away from their parents they just want to get away from

[26:39]them the prophet is saying to this man leave jihad some people

[26:46]they leave their parents for dunya they don't even keep in touch

[26:49]with them the prophet is saying leave jihad and sit with your

[26:54]elderly parents keep them company we have to understand how much is

[27:03]expected of us what our duty is towards them the right that

[27:09]our parents have over us is a great right in fact their

[27:15]haq their rights over us continue even after they pass away there's

[27:22]a narration from imam al baqir he says the imam says there

[27:39]is a person who may be good to his parents during their

[27:42]lives in what way and those parents they pass away so he

[27:50]was good to them while they were alive but when they pass

[27:53]away what happens the parents pass away the child doesn't for example

[28:03]repay the debts of his father and his mother now of course

[28:10]this is not wajib the imam is not saying this is wajib

[28:12]but from an akhlaqi perspective it's good to pay off their debts

[28:16]and he asks allah to forgive them he doesn't do this so

[28:24]he he doesn't pay their debts he doesn't ask allah to pardon

[28:28]them he was good to them while they were alive but after

[28:30]they passed away he forgot about them on the day of judgment

[28:40]allah will consider this person to be someone who is not good

[28:44]to his parents you say i treated them well i honored them

[28:49]when they were alive allah says but what happened after they died

[28:53]you ignored them you didn't pray for them you just left them

[28:59]your responsibility towards them from an akhlaqi perspective especially continues even after

[29:06]their death and then the hadith says and then you have someone

[29:14]who's the opposite they did not treat their parents well when they

[29:19]were alive their parents passed away mom and dad passed away and

[29:26]you weren't very good to them you caused them a lot of

[29:28]heartache you have a chance to make amends you have a chance

[29:35]to make it up to them by doing what you pay their

[29:40]debts and every day you ask allah subhanahu wa ta'ala for forgiveness

[29:47]even though imam al baqir says even though during their life you

[29:51]weren't good to them because you treated them well and you remembered

[29:56]them and you honored them after their death allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

[30:01]will consider you consider you someone who was dutiful to his parents

[30:06]parents we have a chance consider to make up for things now

[30:11]with that said how do we deal with abusive parents because the

[30:19]reality is there are some parents that will weaponize a lot of

[30:24]these hadith and these ayat of the quran but they won't realize

[30:30]that they also have a duty towards their kids yes your child

[30:34]has to respect you has to honor you but you also have

[30:38]to have mercy on your kids you have to show them rahma

[30:42]you have to show them compassion now when you look at the

[30:46]literature that's out there psychologists therapists counselors they say that there are

[30:54]seven types of abuse that a child can experience from his parents

[31:02]number one physical abuse there are some parents who are physically abusive

[31:09]towards their children they'll slap them they'll punch them they'll kick them

[31:16]in a way that actually really bruises them now this happens this

[31:22]is a type of abuse physical abuse so you have physical abuse

[31:27]that's number one the second type of abuse is mental abuse you

[31:32]might not put your hands on your kids but you mentally abuse

[31:36]them and a common word that's used today is gaslighting meaning something

[31:43]will happen and your parents will say it didn't happen and they'll

[31:48]make you start questioning your own sanity they'll be very manipulative with

[31:53]you so this is another type of abuse playing with their sanity

[32:01]you were rude to them and they they bring it up what

[32:03]are you talking about i didn't do anything even though they and

[32:07]they might not even be aware that it's happening but they engage

[32:12]in behavior that is mentally abusive and the child starts to even

[32:16]question whether they're in touch with the reality they start to question

[32:20]their sanity that's number two number three verbal abuse verbal abuse there

[32:28]are some parents that will never touch their kids they're honest with

[32:33]them and in their minds it's a good thing to be brutally

[32:37]honest so you have one parent that will denigrate the child you

[32:43]know they they don't do well on an exam you're this and

[32:46]you're that you're a fool you're an idiot you will have parents

[32:52]who will sometimes even use vulgar language completely shattering the child's self

[32:58]esteem verbal abuse and sometimes you have certain parents who it's like

[33:07]they live a double life they're very respected in public they watch

[33:12]their tongue in public but at home they release their tongue on

[33:19]their family members verbal abuse and sometimes the verbal abuse creates wounds

[33:26]that will never heal a bruise on an arm eventually it will

[33:32]heal but there are some kids who become suicidal i know because

[33:39]i get their messages they have zero self esteem because the father

[33:45]or the mother has destroyed them with their words verbal abuse number

[33:52]four emotional abuse now some of these terms there might be a

[33:58]little bit of overlap but verbal emotional abuse you know one of

[34:02]the ways in which parents sometimes emotionally abuse their kids is that

[34:07]they humiliate them in front of others you know for example your

[34:12]child shares something with you that's confidential they don't want anyone they

[34:17]don't want the world to know about it they might be embarrassed

[34:19]about something they might feel insecure about something they shared with you

[34:24]something in confidence and then what do you do you tell your

[34:28]friends and you tell the cousins and the child feels completely humiliated

[34:34]sometimes you give the child the silent treatment you make them feel

[34:39]as if they don't exist these are all types of emotional abuse

[34:44]so sometimes you might see someone they look healthy there's no bruises

[34:49]but in this way sometimes by sharing sensitive information about your kids

[34:54]with strangers with friends sometimes even with relatives it causes a lot

[34:58]of damage you think to yourself that i i provide they they

[35:01]have a roof over their head good food we go on vacations

[35:05]yeah that's fine that's great but that doesn't mean that you get

[35:10]to emotionally abuse them that's a type of emotional abuse your child

[35:14]has dignity so number four is emotional abuse number five is financial

[35:20]abuse there are some parents for example they don't take care of

[35:28]their kids they don't maintain their kids now if a family is

[35:32]truly financially limited that's a separate issue but there are some fathers

[35:39]some mothers in some case they're stingy with their kids they don't

[35:42]even provide basics now of course what is the definition of basic

[35:47]now a kid might think that an ipad is a basic hi

[35:50]baby your ipad is not a basic i'm talking about negligence not

[35:56]enough food you know raggedy clothes when the kid can you can

[36:00]afford to get the kid decent clothes financial abuse so sometimes the

[36:06]financial abuse happens in the form of deprivation and there and another

[36:11]way in which a parent can financially abuse their child is what

[36:16]the child has been given gifts the child has their own they

[36:19]have their own money and you spend that money in a way

[36:23]that is not in the best interest of the child this is

[36:27]a type of financial abuse from an islamic perspective now the father

[36:31]yes you are the guardian of the child that money that they

[36:35]collect during eid gifts maybe they work a little bit they have

[36:39]their own money you are allowed you have authority over that money

[36:44]as the father as the but you're only allowed to use that

[36:47]money in a way that is beneficial to the kid you can't

[36:51]take the money and just use it for yourself and the and

[36:54]you're not using it in a way that's gonna benefit the child

[36:57]there are some parents for example they'll end up creating a credit

[37:02]card account in the name of their kids and the kid doesn't

[37:04]even know about it and they max out the credit cards they

[37:08]damage the kid's credit and all of these decisions were not made

[37:13]in the best interest of the child this is a type of

[37:16]financial abuse number six and god forbid sexual abuse and if you

[37:25]don't think this happens believe me it happens you might not hear

[37:28]about it but guess who hears about it i hear about it

[37:32]it happens so there are people sometimes in our community you see

[37:39]them and you have absolutely no idea what they are going through

[37:45]in their private lives that's why we have to be very patient

[37:50]with each other we have to be very kind maybe the person

[37:53]next to you has been through hell and you don't know they

[37:57]look fine they drive a decent car they smile they dress well

[38:01]they're pleasant but they are concealing unspeakable pain number seven spiritual abuse

[38:12]sometimes parents are spiritually abusive how's how how are they spiritually abusive

[38:18]you might have a daughter she wants to wear hijab she wants

[38:23]to put on the hijab but who's against it the father the

[38:27]father because of his own reasons he threatens the daughter and pressures

[38:33]her not to wear hijab this is spiritual abuse you're pressuring her

[38:38]to defy allah subhanahu wa ta'ala this happens all the time another

[38:42]example you might have a son a daughter they fear allah they

[38:48]don't want to have a mixed wedding and dancing and haram activity

[38:53]but what do you do no you pressure them you pressure them

[38:56]to have a mixed wedding where people are uncovered and there's music

[39:01]playing and you think oh alhamdulillah you're spiritually abusing your child because

[39:06]to commit sin to disobey allah is a type of what it's

[39:11]type of abuse so this does happen now the question is before

[39:18]we speak about how to actually deal with it i want to

[39:21]make a comment and this comment is for the kids not the

[39:29]parents just because your parents is verbally abusive emotionally abusive mentally abusive

[39:40]it doesn't mean that they don't love you you know why because

[39:49]maybe your parents were also verbally and emotionally abused as children they

[39:57]love you but some parents they don't know how to show love

[40:02]because that was their experience growing up they actually love you believe

[40:07]me sometimes i tell the youth you know your dad who verbally

[40:10]abuses you emotionally abuses you you think he hates you but i

[40:15]swear that father will give his life to protect you but he

[40:20]doesn't know how to show that love because that's generational trauma he

[40:26]was mistreated and abused and that's all he knows that's the only

[40:30]language that he knows in his mind he's just being tough on

[40:33]you he wants to toughen you up tough love so we shouldn't

[40:38]automatically assume that just because and i shared this list so parents

[40:43]can also monitor themselves you might not realize that you're doing things

[40:47]that are very damaging to your kids but the point is don't

[40:52]let shaytaan whisper into your heart that your mother hates you your

[40:58]father hates exceptional cases where there are some abnormal people but generally

[41:04]speaking even the parent that might be abusing the child still loves

[41:09]the child but they haven't dealt with their own trauma they haven't

[41:14]dealt with their own emotional problems so that's something that is very

[41:19]important for us to keep in mind now the question is how

[41:22]do we deal with this problem now one thing that we have

[41:30]to keep in mind is that even if your parents are abusive

[41:36]and as i said you have to be fair sometimes your parents

[41:40]are not being abusive you just want complete freedom and that's not

[41:44]going to happen because they're your parents they have to put some

[41:46]guardrails in your life if your parents are truly abusive what do

[41:54]you do are you allowed to reciprocate if they abuse you do

[42:00]you say okay i'm gonna abuse you back there's a narration from

[42:05]imam jafar assad he says whoever looks at his parents with wrathful

[42:23]eyes you haven't said anything you look at them with anger with

[42:28]contempt with wrathful eyes while they have indeed oppressed you so the

[42:38]imam is saying what whoever looks at his parents with wrathful eyes

[42:43]parents who have indeed been unjust to him or her what does

[42:49]the imam say if you look at them with wrathful eyes allah

[42:56]will not accept your salah even though they're oppressors that's your test

[43:02]see listen allah tests us in different ways allah tests some of

[43:05]us with poverty some of us with sickness and some of us

[43:09]are tested through our parents even the way that you look at

[43:15]them you have to hold it's not easy i'm not claiming that

[43:18]it's easy it's very difficult allah doesn't accept your salah what does

[43:22]that mean you stop praying no it means the reward for your

[43:26]salah is diminished severely diminished now we're not allowed to reciprocate harm

[43:40]your parent harm you they abuse you you're not allowed to reciprocate

[43:43]it in fact let me share with you a verse in the

[43:45]quran where allah subhanahu wa ta'ala speaks about spiritual abuse of parents

[43:54]this ayah you probably have read it before but you never really

[43:56]looked at it from the perspective of spiritual abuse luqman ayah number

[44:03]15 the ayah says about parents so now allah is giving us

[44:16]a scenario not just one parent two parents who are engaged in

[44:23]the most severe type of spiritual abuse allah says if your parents

[44:31]are exerting pressure on you they're doing of you they're pressuring you

[44:38]to do what to commit shirk the ultimate spiritual abuse allah says

[44:51]your parents are pressuring you to commit shirk what does allah say

[44:56]curse them leave them abandon them allah says don't listen to them

[45:06]don't obey them but what does allah say means what still live

[45:21]with them as though they're your companions don't abandon them you can't

[45:27]say you guys are kufar i'm out of here so these are

[45:34]not just kuffar these are kuffar who are pressuring you to become

[45:39]a kafir don't be a bad companion to them be a good

[45:49]companion to them be kind to them be nice to them imagine

[45:54]even in this situation allah says you're not allowed to disrespect them

[45:59]and then what does allah say follow the path don't follow your

[46:05]parents be good to them be their companions but follow the path

[46:09]of those who are trying to get close to me and then

[46:13]what does allah say allah is speaking to everybody here now parents

[46:20]and the kids he says you guys are all gonna come back

[46:23]to me the parent who is abusive to the child allah says

[46:28]i'll have a word with them the child who disrespected the parents

[46:33]allah will have a word with you too you're gonna come back

[46:37]to me and i will inform you of the things that you

[46:43]used to do you have a duty you are not allowed to

[46:49]reciprocate that harm and sometimes being good to them means that you

[46:55]just stay quiet just restraining yourself is an act of goodness to

[47:00]your parents your parents are swearing at you and they're calling you

[47:03]this and that as a mu'tin what are you supposed to do

[47:07]do you shout and you raise your voice the problem is sometimes

[47:10]the kids respond and they raise what the parents doing is wrong

[47:14]no one is defending with the parents' behavior the abuse the verbal

[47:19]abuse allah is gonna question them about it but allah subhanahu wa

[47:23]ta'ala is also gonna question you if you respond so sometimes being

[47:32]a good daughter and being a good son is what stay quiet

[47:36]stay quiet and while they're slandering you do tasbiyah just remember that

[47:42]there is a lord who is observing hold your tongue now some

[47:49]practical advice you might say sheikh this sounds wonderful on a theoretical

[47:53]level but give me some practical advice on how to deal with

[47:58]my parents i'm suffocating i need help what should i do number

[48:04]one communicate communicate you feel that your parents are being verbally abusive

[48:14]emotionally abusive you might not realize that they probably don't even have

[48:18]a clue they might not even know that you feel this way

[48:23]communicate tell them because sometimes your parents might say something that they

[48:30]perceive to be completely neutral or they might think that they're actually

[48:35]complimenting you but it was hurtful to you how are they supposed

[48:42]to know your parents don't have it's not obvious to them sometimes

[48:47]you might have parents who are just struggling to put food on

[48:50]the table and the last thing that they're thinking about is choosing

[48:54]their words carefully with you they wanna come home and just relax

[48:58]and not walk on eggshells communicate with them tell them sheikh i

[49:03]can't say it sheikh i have middle eastern parents come on what

[49:07]am i you you really want me to have that conversation you

[49:10]can't have that conversation verbally write it down just let them know

[49:15]if you think it's gonna become volatile if you say it and

[49:18]choose the right time right it's probably not the best time to

[49:21]share this with your father after he worked a twelve hour shift

[49:26]you have to choose the right time and the place communicate tell

[49:29]them how you feel and my dear parents don't dismiss your kids

[49:36]if your child comes to you your son and your daughter and

[49:39]they say to you listen what you said to me was really

[49:42]hurtful it really bothered me don't get defensive listen to them be

[49:48]sensitive to the feelings of your children take the example of rasulullah

[49:52]sallallahu alaihi wa'alehi we all know the story of when the prophet

[50:02]was in sujood and hassan and hussein they climbed on the prophet's

[50:07]back why didn't the prophet raise his head it's salah it's in

[50:12]salah if there's any time for you to kind of ignore people's

[50:14]feelings it's prayer the prophet prolongs his sujood because he doesn't want

[50:21]to hurt the feelings of hassan and hussain how come this is

[50:27]not a sunnah that we try to uphold the prophet doesn't want

[50:30]to hurt their feelings he wants he doesn't want to disturb them

[50:34]so as a parent if your child is telling you that you're

[50:38]hurting me with your words listen to them you're not perfect we're

[50:43]all fallible we all make mistakes apologize and if you don't wanna

[50:47]apologize at least modify your behavior we have to have some humility

[50:53]with one another we make miss and if your parents apologize or

[50:56]if they change don't hold a grudge forgive them forgive each other

[51:01]pardon each other number two just because your relationship with your parents

[51:08]is volatile now and you don't get along it doesn't mean that

[51:12]it's going to be like that forever it's temporary i've seen many

[51:17]daughters and mothers they're at each other's throats especially during the tumultuous

[51:24]teenage years they don't get along but then the daughter gets married

[51:31]and she has a child and now she needs advice from who

[51:34]from mom and now you're in a new phase in your life

[51:38]and the same mother and daughter who are mortal enemies they were

[51:42]on the verge of playing mortal combat with each other all of

[51:46]a sudden they're friends they get over it sometimes things just need

[51:52]a little bit of time you go through these awkward phases you

[51:55]go through some difficulties and that applies to both parents and children

[52:00]maybe your father is just going through some difficulties fathers husbands we

[52:06]go through a lot and we don't share we keep a lot

[52:09]of things bottled bottled up you don't know what we're going through

[52:13]so you also have to give us some time so we have

[52:18]to give each other some time don't assume that because this week

[52:21]we got into a fight it's over or this month we haven't

[52:25]gotten along it's over it's not over things change people change circumstances

[52:32]change so if you don't get along now just wait be patient

[52:38]don't sever ties keep that relationship going because it will eventually change

[52:44]insha'allah and now number three your parents are abusive reciprocate evil with

[52:56]goodness it's not easy i'm not giving you easy advice i'm giving

[53:01]you advice that will work if you apply it now let's say

[53:06]for example your parents have been very very harsh with you and

[53:10]mean with you this past week now you can just hold your

[53:14]tongue and say i'm gonna be neutral that's fine maybe that's all

[53:17]you can do but what would be better allah subhanahu wa ta'ala

[53:21]in surah 41 ayah 34 he says what allah says good is

[53:31]not like evil your parents mistreated you your mother was ignoring you

[53:44]do you ignore her back be noble go and get flowers for

[53:50]your mother help her around the house but sheikh she's ignoring me

[53:56]i know she's ignoring you i know she's not treating you well

[54:00]but you have an opportunity to put an end to the generational

[54:06]trauma it can stop with you you can change it be good

[54:12]because if you reciprocate evil with goodness what does allah say because

[54:25]sometimes that act of goodness can completely change the relationship you go

[54:33]from enemies to loving friends because of that extra step that you

[54:37]took so if your parents are not treating you well you should

[54:43]start thinking okay what can i do to go above and beyond

[54:47]and again it might not work the first time maybe it won't

[54:50]work this third time maybe it won't work at all but the

[54:54]point is you can stand before allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and say

[54:58]i tried my best and allah subhanahu wa ta'ala will honor that

[55:04]he'll reward you for that effort number four try journaling i think

[55:11]there's only six of them seven of them so don't panic too

[55:14]much we don't have 10 tonight number four try journaling you know

[55:20]when you're very very angry your parents really enrage you they hurt

[55:25]you it sometimes help instead of throwing things and shouting sit down

[55:33]and empty all of that emotion on paper because sometimes that helps

[55:41]you process how you feel sometimes you might forget what was exactly

[55:48]bothering you journaling actually helps you do what it helps you pinpoint

[55:54]what they said that was hurtful and just keep it there and

[55:59]sometimes just journaling is a cathartic experience you just let it out

[56:04]and maybe it's cathartic for you to let it out and then

[56:08]crumble it and throw it in the garbage it's done it got

[56:11]it got out of your system so instead of taking it out

[56:14]that emotion out on them your parents take it out on the

[56:17]paper write it down get all those emotions on paper number five

[56:26]if you have parents who are abusive they're always putting you down

[56:32]you need to surround yourself with friends honorable friends god fearing friends

[56:38]who can lift you up not friends who are going to tell

[56:41]you that yeah your mom is this your dad is that no

[56:44]no that respect still needs to be there but if you're not

[56:48]getting that positivity from your parents it becomes all the more important

[56:54]to get it from your friends surround yourself with that positivity we

[57:02]need that companionship if you're not getting it from your parents at

[57:05]least get it from good pious friends that doesn't mean you go

[57:11]and get that companionship at with you know the guy in the

[57:15]nightclub or the girl no no no stay within the bounds of

[57:19]the sharia you have friends who are god fearing who are gonna

[57:24]lift you up who are gonna provide that comfort for you number

[57:27]six turn to allah turn to allah subhanahu wa ta'ala allah subhanahu

[57:37]every you know everyday what do we say seek allah's help we

[57:45]should seek allah's help for everything it shouldn't be your last resort

[57:50]it should be the first option option number one is you turn

[57:54]to allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because sometimes you know these situations are

[57:57]very complicated you're dealing with people's hearts so you turn to allah

[58:01]and you say to allah o allah turn my heart to my

[58:10]parents and turn their hearts to me soften their hearts i don't

[58:16]have control over people's hearts but you know who do who does

[58:19]have control over over people's hearts allah subhanahu ta'ala there's a narration

[58:26]there's a an excerpt from imam asajjad's dua imam asajjad in saif

[58:32]asajjadi he has dua for children and he also has dua for

[58:37]parents read this dua he says oh allah inspire my heart with

[58:53]what my duty is to my parents sometimes you just don't know

[58:57]what to do yes in theory you know you gotta be good

[59:00]to you but oh allah put ideas into my heart as to

[59:06]how i should honor and uphold the right of my parents put

[59:13]all of the knowledge of what i need to know about how

[59:17]to deal with my parents in my heart deposit all of that

[59:20]knowledge in my heart you think allah won't answer a dua like

[59:24]that you think allah will not answer a dua of a child

[59:27]who's asking him ilahi help me be good to my parents it's

[59:33]a powerful dua look at the words of al al baq and

[59:43]help me act on that inspiration it's not just to have it

[59:50]as an idea oh i have an idea of something nice oh

[59:53]allah help me employ and act on that inspiration and finally my

[60:01]dear brothers and sisters there are exceptional circumstances where some kids are

[60:12]severely abused by their parents there was a young lady this was

[60:20]a long time ago she came to a scholar and she said

[60:26]to him she spoke about her childhood and she said sheikh my

[60:36]father has been abusing me all my life so the sheikh thought

[60:41]that maybe verbal abuse maybe he's a bit harsh she said no

[60:46]he's been molesting me since i was a child it happens some

[60:50]people don't wanna talk about these issues it happens we can act

[60:54]like you know oh this doesn't happen happens and i hope that

[60:59]it's rare and i hope it never happens but it does happen

[61:04]and she says how can i deal with a father like this

[61:09]she says when i go into his presence i can't breathe i

[61:13]hyperventilate i feel like i'm gonna faint i feel like i'm gonna

[61:18]have a heart attack because all of that violence and that trauma

[61:22]comes back when i see him when i hear his voice what

[61:27]does such a sister do allah responds allah does not put a

[61:35]burden upon you that you cannot bear that doesn't mean you sever

[61:38]even with the father like that i know it's not easy if

[61:41]you cannot come into his presence you're excused just message him salaam

[61:46]just wanted to check up on you if that's too much for

[61:49]you send a message through someone else the point is maintain whatever

[61:56]connection that you can and know that there is not a single

[62:04]type of that happens in this life unless there is recourse with

[62:09]it with allah it's not easy my dear brothers and sisters i

[62:17]pray to allah subhanahu wa ta'ala that as parents he allows us

[62:23]to be more cautious with the way that we interact with our

[62:26]kids that we're able to monitor our behavior that we're able to

[62:31]have the love and the compassion that the prophet used to show

[62:35]to children the rahmah that he used to show to them and

[62:38]i ask allah to make us children who are dutiful to their

[62:44]parents who love their parents who strive to be at the service

[62:49]of their parents who strive to be a son like i want

[62:58]to mention one thing about ali yun al akbar and then we'll

[63:00]go to the mas'al there's a part of the naktal the musib

[63:08]of ali yun al akbar that many of you have heard but

[63:12]you might not understand why ali ibn al akbar spoke those words

[63:18]when ali ibn al akbar was martyred when he was struck the

[63:27]last thing that he said to his father was what ali ibn

[63:33]al akbar knew that his father imam al hussein was suffering because

[63:39]of the fact that he was thirsty it hurt imam al hussein

[63:45]knowing that aliyun al akbar is thirsty because he went back to

[63:48]ask for water imam didn't have any water for him so look

[63:53]at what aliyeon and akbar does when he's when he's in his

[63:58]last moments he performs the great act of as he's dying you

[64:06]know when you're in that much pain it's very difficult to even

[64:09]speak you just want to silently pass away do you know what

[64:16]he says to his father he says to his father the last

[64:35]thing that ali ul il akbar said before he died was oh

[64:40]my father hussein i can now see my grandfather rasulullah and he

[64:48]is giving me a cup of water after i drink it i

[64:53]will never experience thirst do you know why ali ibn al akbar

[64:57]said that because he wanted the last thing that he does in

[65:01]this life to reduce the pain of his father just so imam

[65:07]al hussein knows that his son is okay now he said that

[65:13]just to bring comfort to the heart of his father this is

[65:18]ahlul bayt on the day of ashura after the sahab after the

[65:30]ashab of imam al hussein were martyred it was now the turn

[65:34]of bani hashem if you look at the makatil what you see

[65:41]is that any companion who comes to ask for permission the imam

[65:46]is reluctant he tries to convince them not to go into the

[65:50]battlefield except for ali yun al akbar when ali yun al akbar

[65:59]comes the imam does not try to convince him not to go

[66:05]do you know why imam al hussain does this because imam al

[66:09]hussein is a real leader imam al hussein is not that type

[66:12]of leader who sends the sons and daughters of other people while

[66:16]he keeps his own children safe imam al hussein believed in his

[66:20]mission so much so that he says i am willing to put

[66:23]my son in the battlefield while i protect your sons and your

[66:28]daughters the narrations say that ali yun al akbar the eldest son

[66:36]of imam al hussain he comes to his father he says give

[66:44]me permission to fight the historians they make a note here the

[66:51]narrations say when ali ibn al akbar approached his father and imam

[66:57]al hussein looked at the face of his son imam al hussain

[67:08]alaihi salaam he looked at his son with eyes of despair because

[67:15]imam al hussain knows that now the time has come for him

[67:20]to farewell his beloved son brothers and sisters i have seen fathers

[67:27]break down into tears when they send their sons for college i

[67:33]have seen fathers break down in tears when their sons are just

[67:41]traveling for a short period imagine imam al hussein farewelling his son

[67:47]and he's sending him where he's sending him into the battlefield by

[67:53]himself in front of an army of 30,000 and he knows that

[67:58]death is on the other side imam al hussein alaihi salam he

[68:05]gives him permission ali ibn al akbar as he's putting on his

[68:09]armor he's putting on his helmet he's preparing to enter the battlefield

[68:16]imam al hussain makes a dua that will forever remain in this

[68:22]world what is the dua of imam al hussein as he's watching

[68:28]his son prepare to enter the battlefield what does he say oh

[68:38]allah bear witness over these people these criminals oh allah bear witness

[68:58]over these people that i am sending into the battlefield a young

[69:03]man my son who resembles rasulullah in his speech in his appearance

[69:15]in his conduct more than anyone on earth whenever we would miss

[69:29]rasulullah whenever we would yearn to be in the presence of rasulullah

[69:45]whenever we would miss rasulullah we would look at the face of

[69:49]whenever we would miss rasulullah we would listen to the voice of

[69:59]whenever we wanted to see how the prophet would walk or conduct

[70:03]himself how he was in his akhla we would look at the

[70:09]narration saying that when enters the battlefield he stands in front of

[70:18]the army of omar ibn saad and he introduces himself to the

[70:24]enemies he says to them he goes into the battlefield the narration

[70:59]say even though he was thirsty even though he had nothing to

[71:02]drink for days he was fighting so valiantly he was able to

[71:06]kill a significant number of the opponents after some time the narration

[71:11]some narrations say that the mother of ali ibn al akbar was

[71:14]present she could not look at the battlefield it's the heart of

[71:18]a mother after all so how does she gauge the safety of

[71:22]ali ul akbar she looks at the face of abba abdullah she

[71:29]looks at the face of ali of abba abdullah she asked him

[71:35]has anything happened to my son he says to her that you

[71:40]are a mother the dua of a mother is mustaja make dua

[71:43]for your son and she says yusuf allah ya'u oh the one

[71:51]who brought yusuf back to ya'uq bring my son back to me

[71:58]after some time ali yun al akbar returns imam al hussein al

[72:03]alaihi salam he calls to his son what does ali yun al

[72:06]akbar need he says to him he says to him father the

[72:21]thirst is killing me he says is there any water is there

[72:33]even a little bit of water that i can drink so i

[72:37]can gain strength and go back into the battlefield what does imam

[72:41]al hussain say he says oh my beloved son ali i want

[72:48]you to feel my tongue it is even drier than yours he

[72:53]says to him i do not have any water but take my

[72:59]ring take my ring put my ring in your mouth so maybe

[73:07]it will moisten your mouth and go to your mother and farewell

[73:13]your mother he goes back into the battlefield for the final time

[73:22]he fights like a warrior he fights like the grandson of emir

[73:27]al muminin until you muminin he is surrounded and they strike with

[73:37]a fatal blow he falls on the plains of carmela and he

[73:43]cries out to his father can you imagine you as a father

[73:55]can you imagine the heart of abba abdullah that moment he hears

[74:01]his son cry out for him oh my father i can now

[74:12]see my father rasulullah here he's now telling me to tell you

[74:31]oh hussein hasten to us because there is a cup of water

[74:42]waiting for you you abba abdullah imam al hussein he rushes he

[74:49]rushes to the battlefield he sees his beloved son his beloved son

[74:55]ali he sits beside him he wipes the blood from his face

[74:59]imam al hussein he puts his cheek on the cheek of ali

[75:03]and he begins to cry elijah says oh my beloved ali my

[75:21]son ali what value does this life have after i lose you

[75:28]the narrations say that he breathes his last besides his father imam

[75:33]al hussain imam al hussain alaihi salam was so grief stricken that

[75:38]he was not able to carry the body of ali unil aqaba

[75:42]he turns to the bani hashem and he says yeah bani hashem

[75:50]pick up your brother ali and take him back to the tents

[75:54]they bring the body of ali akbar back to the tents they

[76:00]put his body into one of the tents say it as zainab

[76:04]she comes to imam al hussein and she says abba abdullah aina

[76:08]ali where is ali yun al akbar she sees the body of

[76:14]ali al akbar in the tent and sayyidah zayneb cries out

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التالي

Night 9 - How to Deal with Abusive Parents | Shaykh Azhar Nasser, Muharram 2023

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التالي

Night 9 - How to Deal with Abusive Parents | Shaykh Azhar Nasser, Muharram 2023

Transcript

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