How To Find The One?! - Sayed Mohammed Baqer Al-Qazwini

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Al-Rasoul Islamic Society
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Al-Rasoul Islamic Society || Day 27 - The Month of Ramadan 2019

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[0:11]audhu billahi min as-shaytan ar-rajim bismillah ar-rahman ar-rahim I begin in the

[0:19]name of the Almighty God the compassionate the merciful the one who

[0:24]has created everything in utmost perfection and may the peace and blessings

[0:31]of the Almighty God be upon his pure and beloved messenger the

[0:39]peak of his creation the symbol of humanity the holy prophet muhammad

[0:49]sallallahu alayhi wa ali and his immaculate progeny of the a little

[0:54]bit peace be upon them especially the leader of our time the

[0:57]awaited savior and imam al-mahdi adjure allahu ta'ala firaga may Allah hastened

[1:04]his reappearance and make us all amongst a sincere and dedicated servants

[1:12]Allah Subhanahu WA Ta'ala states and the Holy Quran in surah -

[1:17]room smell ar-rahman ar-rahim women yachty he and Hannah Telecom in and

[1:24]for cecum as virgin latest coup new alaihe wa jalla been accommodating

[1:32]Rama so that Allah will Aliana deem illuminate your hearts and minds

[1:40]with a very loud Salawat Allah Allah Allah Muhammad and surah -

[1:46]room or the chapter of the Romans we find that Allah subhana

[1:51]WA Ta'ala speaks about some of his grand signs for instance allah

[2:00]subhanaw taala states women IATA he and halakha coming to rob from

[2:05]either and to Bashar intend to Shirin and amongst the signs of

[2:11]the Almighty God is that he created you human beings from clay

[2:16]that is your origin and modern science has indeed confirmed that the

[2:21]birthplace of all life on Earth is the clay because the clay

[2:29]has the necessary ingredients for life the composition of your body if

[2:35]you were to examine it analyze it put it under the microscope

[2:38]how much for example silicon there is in your body how much

[2:46]potassium how much oxygen how much nitrogen you will find that the

[2:50]same composition that your body has is found in clay allah subhanaw

[2:56]taala says this is one of my signs see my power I

[3:04]have given you life you can move you can think and your

[3:07]origin is clay and what is clean if you really examine it

[3:14]it's the most value less object we have around us it's available

[3:19]everywhere Allah says I am so powerful I created you from this

[3:27]object that you don't find any value in Allah says this is

[3:29]one of my signs then allah subhanaw taala mentioned some of his

[3:33]other grand signs women i add to he helped us somehow 80

[3:39]unarmed and one of the signs of the almighty god is the

[3:41]creation of the universe the creation of the earth wash telephone allison

[3:46]ethical/moral wanna comb the diff the diversity that you have in your

[3:51]languages the diversity that you see in your colors that's all from

[3:57]the signs of allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala then amongst these signs in between

[4:02]these signs allah mentions one of his grand signs woman IATA he

[4:12]and salata Lacombe min and for Sikkim as why gently Toscano alaihe

[4:16]and amongst the signs of god is that he has created partners

[4:21]spouses for you from among yourselves so you can find tranquility in

[4:32]imagine how important it is to have a spouse in whom you

[4:36]find peace and tranquility such that God says this is so grand

[4:43]I compare it with the creation of the heavens and the earth

[4:47]if you see the context of these verses it shows you how

[4:50]important it is to have a spouse in whom you find Sakina

[4:56]you find tranquility you try you find peace Allah says if you

[5:00]have a spouse and you find peace and that spouse this is

[5:04]as big as the universe it's one of my grand signs and

[5:07]this is to remind us of the significance of living with a

[5:14]spouse who can really help us be successful in this life on

[5:17]the day of judgment to really find that tranquility now this beautiful

[5:27]verse that speaks about having a spouse about getting married and how

[5:32]Allah brings down the Mowatt done the Rama between them we may

[5:37]look at marriage from a number of dimensions and angles the issue

[5:42]of marriage is one that affects us all and there are many

[5:47]ways many angles from which we can examine the topic of marriage

[5:50]what are the benefits of marriage that's one angle one is the

[5:54]appropriate time for one to get married that's another angle okay now

[6:00]that you got married how do you stay married because one thing

[6:04]is to get married another thing is to stay married how to

[6:09]resolve your marital disputes that's another angle how to deal with in-laws

[6:14]how to create a proper family these are all very important angles

[6:21]to the topic of marriage where is the best place to go

[6:24]for your honeymoon that's another topic too but default the the topic

[6:27]that I would like to discuss with you tonight in our discussion

[6:33]is one that most of our youth are asking today some of

[6:36]them feel yes they might be ready to get married but they

[6:41]don't know where to start how do I go about finding the

[6:49]appropriate person the right person in our modern time and age how

[6:52]do I find the appropriate person we live in a world today

[6:59]that's ever-changing society has evolved I want to observe my Islamic guidelines

[7:04]and principles so how do I go about finding the appropriate person

[7:07]this is a very important and relevant topic my dear brothers and

[7:12]sisters that affects all of our youth and for those from the

[7:18]elderly who are married this topic is still very relevant to you

[7:21]as well because first of all we all have youth you may

[7:25]have children you need to give them guidance you may have friends

[7:28]who are looking to get married they need that guidance as well

[7:31]secondly xiaolin you'll always stay married alhamdulillah but sometimes things happen and

[7:37]you may have to remarry so it's good to keep these points

[7:40]in mind before we examine the proper mechanism and technique to find

[7:49]an appropriate person it's important to understand that marriage is a responsibility

[7:56]marriage is a dimension in your life where you go and you

[8:01]sacrifice some of our youth have a misunderstanding of what marriage is

[8:11]and what marriage is to offer I've talked to some of the

[8:13]brothers and some of them when you hear them talking about marriage

[8:16]and even the excitement that they have for marriage they think marriage

[8:21]is this stage in your life where you become a king you

[8:29]become a royal king with royal services you enter this marriage to

[8:34]be served aslam teaches us that marriage is a is an act

[8:37]of sacrifice it's a responsibility and you must see it as a

[8:40]responsibility we don't get married to be served that's a very selfish

[8:45]perspective and those people who enter marriages expecting to be royally served

[8:52]that's recipe for failure that is something selfish that the true servants

[8:59]of Allah Spano taught I should keep away from marriage is an

[9:02]act of sacrifice it set of sacrifice that helps you sacrifice in

[9:08]other areas of life marriage is an arena that prepares you for

[9:14]life and allows you to achieve the highest levels of completion and

[9:17]we need to have the proper mindset of what marriage means what

[9:21]marriage symbolizes and for this reason my dear brothers and sisters Islam

[9:27]encourages us to get married at a younger age why many people

[9:33]today if you look at the Western culture Americans Canadians others they

[9:39]view marriage as a capstone not a cornerstone there's a big difference

[9:46]between the two a cornerstone is the foundation it's what you build

[9:53]on its the pillars that you put on that stone the capstone

[9:56]is when you're done you're all finished you just want to seal

[10:00]it you bring your stone as a capstone and you finish the

[10:05]deal today Westerners are seeing marriage as a capstone they struggle they

[10:10]go through their sacrifices they try to establish themselves and then once

[10:16]they're 3035 years old they've established a career they want to settle

[10:21]down now they're looking for a partner Aslam teaches us this is

[10:25]not the best time to look for a partner because you've lived

[10:30]your youthful days you went through the tough times alone by yourself

[10:34]not with your spouse whom you're going to create a family with

[10:39]you don't have that shared history of sacrifice and that's why it's

[10:44]so easy for them to get divorced because the slightest argument they

[10:50]get into she tells him or he tells her who are you

[10:53]I don't even know you I've already had my tough days now

[10:58]that I settled down I came to know you I'm not going

[11:00]to sacrifice just because of you you see one small little argument

[11:04]misunderstanding leads to divorce but once you get married at a younger

[11:10]age you have that history of sacrifice together and this is something

[11:14]some youth don't understand when you get married at a younger age

[11:17]you're not fully financially stable you must have a plan of course

[11:22]because you must be responsible but if you don't fully have financial

[11:25]stability you need to sacrifice you need to start small that's the

[11:29]best type of marriage Allah gives you blessings in that marriage when

[11:33]you start small who said you have to have a full house

[11:37]in order for you to get married there our last part I

[11:40]say that in the Quran did you hear a wise person say

[11:44]that start small you can start with in small apartment a small

[11:48]studio a one-bedroom studio and sacrifice together and go to college together

[11:53]that will strengthen the bond ten years down the line 15 years

[11:56]down the line when there's an argument there is a dispute there

[12:00]is a problem you won't immediately consider divorce because you will look

[12:05]back and you will tell your spouse for 15 years we stayed

[12:08]together when things were tough when we were struggling financially we were

[12:12]by each other side not because of some dispute and we're going

[12:15]to leave one another that will hold on your marriage my dear

[12:21]brothers and sisters therefore we have to see marriage as a cornerstone

[12:25]it's the basis on which you build your life not something that

[12:28]towards the end of your struggles you come and you introduce into

[12:32]your life that is not something that's really healthy having said that

[12:36]my dear brothers and sisters let's now examine what are some practical

[12:43]ways for our generation the generation of our youth today to get

[12:47]to know one another to find the appropriate and the right spouse

[12:51]now traditionally if you look back at traditional societies oftentimes marriages were

[12:59]arranged you probably heard of many stories of arranged marriages in fact

[13:04]the youth of the past they did not have to worry about

[13:10]finding a person because either your tribal leader was doing it for

[13:14]you or your great-uncle was doing it for you or your great-grandfather

[13:17]or your parents in fact most of them even had no say

[13:23]in it in fact many of them did not even know who

[13:25]their spouse was until the actual marriage or the engagement ceremony you

[13:32]know recently a friend told me an interesting story about how his

[13:37]parents got married and he said my mother did not know my

[13:40]father until that last minute when the marriage was taking place and

[13:44]in fact she was standing before all these guys in that part

[13:50]of the world in that culture and she's not even knowing who's

[13:52]going to come up who out of this bunch is going to

[13:56]be her husband and suddenly one of them popped out of nowhere

[13:58]he came and that was her husband this was common in the

[14:02]past in most societies around the world marriages were arranged but not

[14:07]today my dear brothers and sisters and by the way a lot

[14:11]of those marriages were by force which Islam completely rejected and slam

[14:16]says that marriage in order for it to be valid it must

[14:21]be by the consent of both parties no daughter no son can

[14:26]be forced into a marriage if the daughter says no I don't

[14:29]give my approval Islam says that is not a valid marriage and

[14:36]many parents forced their children and two invalid marriages unfortunately in the

[14:41]end they have to consent it must be out of their willingness

[14:43]now in our modern time and age this and most societies does

[14:51]not apply but we can take my dear brothers and sisters one

[14:56]takeaway point from these arranged marriages and one practical point that we

[15:03]can take and this is not something that you will hear people

[15:06]in Western societies discussing but it really is a practical solution the

[15:11]first area I would start looking at if I wanted to get

[15:18]married is to start by asking your mother and sister this is

[15:20]something we don't normally do no we're not talking about an arranged

[15:27]marriage here but your mother knows you she knows a lot of

[15:30]people in society the first area the first circle to look for

[15:34]is to ask your mother mother I feel I'm ready for marriage

[15:35]I know you know a lot of people in your community and

[15:40]your society you have friends here and there is there anyone whom

[15:43]you recommend this is not some that Americans culture teaches you but

[15:47]my dear brothers and sisters this is a very effective way ask

[15:52]your mother she has experience there may be people on her mind

[15:56]seeking her advice is extremely beneficial then you move on to other

[16:02]family members like your sister your sister has friends she's gone out

[16:06]with them she knows many of them she probably knows of a

[16:11]few good candidates a few good options for you to get married

[16:14]go to your sister ask her don't be embarrassed and say no

[16:19]I'm not going to ask my sister to introduce me to someone

[16:24]or give me an idea of someone else this is completely fine

[16:26]it's very practical and it does actually work my dear brothers and

[16:30]sisters so the first circle that you should be looking at is

[16:36]your own family members ask them for advice oftentimes you will find

[16:40]that they actually have good advice for you and they can introduce

[16:43]you to good people in the community now there are two common

[16:48]methods we're finding today in our society are these methods healthy methods

[16:55]one method that we're finding today is social media many of our

[17:03]youth are going to social media in order to find the appropriate

[17:07]spouse this sometimes does work I don't deny that you have probably

[17:12]heard of some success stories of people who got married alhamdulillah they

[17:16]have a great marriage and when you ask them how did you

[17:19]get to know one another it was probably on social media Instagram

[17:23]Facebook one of these social media platforms but my dear brothers and

[17:29]sisters many concerns do come with trying to find someone on social

[17:34]media many times it does not work it's not worth the hassle

[17:41]that you have to go through because you really don't know whom

[17:44]you're dealing with I've known youth who've spent months and years with

[17:49]someone whom they got to know on social media trying to discover

[17:56]that personality trying to know whether this person was good for them

[17:59]or not and then in the process of trying to discover that

[18:03]they formed emotional attachments and then after a year two years they

[18:07]discovered you know what this is not the person I thought he

[18:13]or she was now you're an emotional pain because emotionally you invested

[18:18]in this person and now there's emotional suffering that's not really the

[18:23]most practical way to go about finding your spouse it may work

[18:26]but the hassle that it brings you and the success rate of

[18:32]it is very low it just simply makes it not a practical

[18:34]solution for many of our youth yes social media is good for

[18:40]one thing my dear brothers and sisters if you're interested in someone

[18:44]and you would like to get a better understanding of their personality

[18:48]of their behavior go look at their social social media that's actually

[18:54]a good thing you know today in many companies when someone comes

[18:59]and applies for a job before they even get interviewed you know

[19:04]what the boss does they go and they see their Facebook page

[19:10]their Instagram page their Twitter to get an idea of what kind

[19:13]of person is this am i dealing with a serious person here

[19:17]or this is a goofball coming and applying for this job is

[19:20]this a respectful person or not from their comments from what they

[19:27]like you will get an idea an idea I'm not saying a

[19:29]full idea but you will get an idea of that personality so

[19:34]social media is a good indicator of what kind of a person

[19:37]this is if you're interested in someone and you're doing research but

[19:41]for you to go and get to know someone through social media

[19:46]that is not really the most practical way another dimension of that

[19:51]my dear brothers and sisters is Muslim matchmaking sites they're becoming more

[19:56]popular and more and more youth are actually considering the idea of

[20:00]getting to know someone through one of these matchmaking sites is this

[20:05]something practical for our youth I don't see based on my experience

[20:11]with most families that this is still a practical way a lot

[20:16]of youth are still reluctant because this kind of resembles dating websites

[20:20]and they're not really comfortable taking that route secondly how do you

[20:25]explain it to your family imagine you're sitting at the dinner table

[20:28]and you're breaking get to your parents that yeah finally I think

[20:31]I got the right one and they tell you oh really where

[20:36]did you meet this person the minute you say I met them

[20:38]on some matchmaking website imagine what will happen the forks and knives

[20:42]will drop from their hands you will not get a good look

[20:45]from your parents if you say that to them most families especially

[20:49]traditional families they're not really ready to have their youth get to

[20:53]know someone on a matchmaking website so it's not really that practical

[20:58]yet it's not necessarily a bad idea if it's done properly if

[21:01]you're dealing with a trusted group or institution it may actually work

[21:08]but I still don't see that many of our families are supporting

[21:12]of this idea so it may work for some people but a

[21:16]lot of families are still not open to this idea so these

[21:18]two methods that some youth are exploring or they or they're thinking

[21:24]about are not that practical so we said that one practical ways

[21:30]to go to your friends to your family to your mother to

[21:33]your sister a second practical way my dear brothers and sisters is

[21:38]to go to the elders of your community active members in your

[21:43]community who are well connected with families who know good families go

[21:47]and seek their advice show them that you're serious gain their trust

[21:52]let them gain your trust and tell them to give you recommendations

[21:58]and it's never embarrassing to go for someone for a Muslim brother

[22:02]or sister my dear brothers and sisters and ask them for marriage

[22:07]even sisters I know there is a stigma on the sisters for

[22:13]the boy it's okay for him to go and ask do some

[22:14]research get recommendations or express interest in getting married but unfortunately there's

[22:20]a stigma on the sisters sometimes if a sister expresses her interest

[22:24]that she wants to get married immediately what happens other sisters especially

[22:30]married woman put her down oh are you suggesting that you're desperate

[22:36]for Allah what do you mean subhanAllah you're the married woman you

[22:40]were in her shoes just a few years ago and you were

[22:44]waiting for someone or you were waiting for the opportunity if a

[22:47]sister expresses her desire to get married and she thinks ready it

[22:53]is a grave sin in the eyes of Allah subhana Allah to

[22:56]judge her to put her down to discourage her or to associate

[23:01]any sort of stigma with her this is completely unacceptable allah subhanaw

[23:05]taala says it's one of my signs and one of the purest

[23:08]of god's creations lady Khadijah is and I'm she was the one

[23:14]who expressed her interest in the Masood Allah so Allah who are

[23:16]you are if this was something to be looked down upon something

[23:19]inappropriate in the eyes of God the prophet sallallaahu annually would have

[23:24]told her Khadija this is inappropriate I'm a man of honor and

[23:28]how dare you expressed your interest I should express my interest we

[23:32]have rasulullah sallallahu aleyhi as an example in fact the holy the

[23:39]Holy Quran has verses addressing the Prophet SAW Allahu Allahu Allah is

[23:43]telling a Miata sir Allah if a believing woman comes expressing your

[23:48]desire to get married be welcoming don't say no I condemned this

[23:52]what do you mean you're a lady you're supposed to sit home

[23:57]until somebody knocks at your door this is a flawed understanding and

[24:00]mentality my dear brothers and sisters therefore if someone comes to you

[24:03]especially our dear sisters faith sister comes to you and she's asking

[24:10]for advice be encouraging do your best don't associate any stigma to

[24:14]that person this is something unacceptable in the eyes of Allah subhana

[24:18]WA Ta'ala so the second method is to go and ask the

[24:23]elders of the community experienced people active people while connected people to

[24:29]give you some recommendations I know many people who had successful marriages

[24:31]through this way now let's talk about the most important method our

[24:38]youth are experimenting today my dear brothers and sisters I will tell

[24:41]you today our youth what they're going through and why usually they

[24:47]get disappointed or they fall into a dangerous path when the youth

[24:53]find some initial interest in one another what normally happens normally you

[24:59]see for example the guy has an interest in one of the

[25:01]girls and they get to know each other very briefly then they

[25:09]exchange numbers then their intent is to get to know one another

[25:13]to know each other's personality and they start talking one week two

[25:18]weeks one month three months six months one year I've known some

[25:24]brothers and sisters they've been talking for two years and they're still

[25:27]have not made a decision whether they want to get married or

[25:31]not are you waiting for July Eve to come down and give

[25:36]you something two years an entire year and you know what ends

[25:40]up happening after two years of talking to each other one or

[25:45]two of them are so emotionally attached to one another that when

[25:48]one of them decides you know what this is not going to

[25:53]work out I change my mind my circumstances have changed I want

[25:57]to leave this marriage or this commitment not the marriage but the

[26:00]idea of getting married to one another and what happens to the

[26:03]other side and usually it's the girl she's broken she's devastated I've

[26:08]seen girls who are traumatized for years because of an experience like

[26:16]that you don't need six months and a year two years my

[26:18]dear brothers and sisters to really get to know someone even if

[26:21]you're talking to that person for a long time you're trying to

[26:25]understand their personality first of all do you think they will really

[26:27]show you their personality the minute I know somebody's interested in me

[26:33]I become a professional actor that's the human being you do you

[26:38]think they're going to show their true colors they show their true

[26:42]selves their true character don't be naive you cannot discover the true

[26:48]character of a person when they know you're interested in them and

[26:52]you're talking to them to get to know them they will show

[26:57]you their good side their rosy side that's all you see because

[27:00]I've heard many brothers and sisters after they get married they kind

[27:04]of get shocked and they come and they say say it my

[27:10]husband or my wife completely changed after marriage they flipped 180 degrees

[27:15]I say to the brother Habibi calm down your spouse did not

[27:19]change suddenly after marriage your spouse is the same spouse the problem

[27:25]you were in love you were asleep now you smelled the coffee

[27:29]and you woke up that's what happened now you had the opportunity

[27:34]to see her real personality because after marriage she stopped acting she's

[27:38]now safe she's married with you there's no way right out of

[27:42]it really so she showed you her true self yeah but for

[27:45]one year I was talking to her yeah and she was acting

[27:47]for one year and you were acting too and that's why the

[27:52]nice statement there's a nice statement that says love blinds you but

[27:57]marriage is an eye opener once you get married then you know

[28:03]you know there was one poor son he was asking his father

[28:06]he had heard about these crazy arranged marriages so he asked his

[28:09]father he told him father is it really true that in some

[28:14]parts of the world the husband doesn't really know anything about his

[28:18]wife until after he gets married her he tells him my dear

[28:23]son that's not just in some parts of the world it's everywhere

[28:25]and it happened to me and your mom I thought I knew

[28:29]your mom until after I married her then I discovered I didn't

[28:32]know her we're actors when we know someone's interested in us it's

[28:37]not the safest way to talk to that person for a few

[28:42]months in order to know whether they have the appropriate qualities that

[28:46]you're looking for my dear brothers and sisters the way for you

[28:50]to know who has the appropriate qualities is to research and not

[28:58]be too influenced by feeling by having feelings for one another before

[29:03]you have feelings for one another you think someone might be good

[29:06]go and do the reefs Church and the best place to do

[29:10]that research as friends reach out to their friends if I'm a

[29:14]selfish person my friends know maybe sometimes even my parents don't know

[29:17]believe me because parents usually see their children positively but my friends

[29:22]they know if I'm an angry person if I'm a god-fearing person

[29:27]if I'm a kind-hearted person if I'm an easygoing person my friends

[29:32]know these qualities if you really want to know the character of

[29:36]this potential spouse go to the friends now maybe some of you

[29:42]might find it awkward for you to directly go to their friends

[29:45]have someone else let a friend go to their friends let your

[29:48]sister go and approach them and ask them and ask them give

[29:53]us you know an evaluation of your friend does he have these

[29:56]qualities is there are there any concerns now I know some of

[30:00]the friends will say but I'm not going to betray my friend

[30:01]friend if somebody asked me about him I'm not going to reveal

[30:07]their faults this lab says when it comes to marriage never mislead

[30:09]anyone it's a big sin to mislead anyone because people are basing

[30:14]lifelong decisions on your testimony so don't say no it was my

[30:19]friend I had to you know say good things about him or

[30:21]say good things about her no this is unacceptable in the eyes

[30:25]of God if someone comes and you know they're not fooling around

[30:28]they are really serious they have pure intentions and they ask you

[30:32]don't mislead them if you don't think your friend has those good

[30:36]qualities be honest either tell them what the problem is or just

[30:41]say you know what I'd rather not give my opinion but don't

[30:45]mislead them misleading them is a grave sin in the eyes of

[30:49]allah subhanahu wata'ala and islam is so sensitive about revealing the faults

[30:55]of others that it's a major sin to reveal and expose others

[31:00]except when someone is asking you for marriage advice the hadith says

[31:04]that's an exception don't mislead someone be honest with them if there's

[31:08]really a major concern with your friend don't tell them yes this

[31:12]would be a good opportunity and I approve of it and my

[31:15]friend is really a great person because then you will mislead them

[31:19]if that marriage fails Allah hold you responsible on the day of

[31:22]judgment so it's very important for us my dear brothers and sisters

[31:28]to do the proper research to go to their friends those people

[31:32]who lived with them those people who have experience with them those

[31:36]people who traveled with them they can give you the best assessment

[31:41]and you don't need six months you no need a year you

[31:42]don't need two years to discover the personality of that person all

[31:48]it does is do proper research ask their friends they give you

[31:52]an idea if the indications are positive go for it and I

[31:56]say this to the brothers be a man and go through the

[31:57]front door but for you to be talking and texting for six

[32:03]months for an entire year and God knows what happens in that

[32:06]year this is not something that brings you closer to allah subhanaw

[32:11]taala remember if there's no marriage contract if there's no outlet in

[32:16]the car you have to be very careful even charming words Aslam

[32:20]finds problematic because you're still not husband and wife you're still exploring

[32:24]each other's personality you have to be very cautious with the language

[32:28]that you use my dear brothers and sisters I know a lot

[32:32]of youth just because they're interested in one another and they say

[32:36]yeah I'm exploring whether this person is good for me for marriage

[32:39]then I can say whatever I want know that piety still has

[32:43]to be maintained even when you're trying to know someone that piety

[32:47]in your words and your choice of words you know like one

[32:52]of the brothers he really was trying to be super pious so

[32:55]he was wondering what kind of complements should he say to that

[33:01]sister whom he was interested in so he looked at her and

[33:03]he told her you are the reason why Allah Spanish Allah made

[33:09]her job Lodge F now I understand but he have to be

[33:11]very careful with the type of words that he used during that

[33:15]period my dear brothers and sisters it's extremely critical and realized that

[33:21]if that emotional attachment forms there are consequences if this doesn't work

[33:27]out you could be suffering for years and years so my recommendation

[33:30]to the brothers is once someone has given you a recommendation or

[33:34]you've observed for a while you think that person might be good

[33:38]do their research ask their friends if it's positive be a man

[33:42]go through the front door and go and propose to the family

[33:45]but for you to spend months and months and months not even

[33:48]knowing what that relationship is where you're going you're wasting your time

[33:53]you're wasting her time you're wasting your emotions you're wasting her emotions

[33:58]and that's not something that pleases allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala now my dear

[34:03]brothers and sisters many of the youth they do ask the following

[34:06]when it comes to the qualities we all have our personal preferences

[34:10]but what are some significant qualities that we should really make a

[34:18]priority qualities that we should not sacrifice first of all we need

[34:22]to understand that when we are in the pursuit of finding the

[34:28]appropriate person for marriage you're not looking for a perfect human being

[34:32]I think some of the youth they misunderstand what marriage is all

[34:35]about what life is all about life has its trials sometimes Allah

[34:39]will try you through your spouse look at the prophets and the

[34:44]Imams did they have perfect spouses no not necessarily sometimes they did

[34:49]sometimes they didn't it's not really our practical goal to go and

[34:55]find someone who's complete completely perfect there are important qualities you should

[35:01]look for but don't expect someone to be completely perfect I remember

[35:06]once a brother called me and he said say it you know

[35:08]I'm looking for a spouse you know if you have recommendations or

[35:14]if someone knows someone and I have certain qualities that I'm looking

[35:16]for so I told him what are the qualities that you are

[35:18]looking for he literally took out a very very long list of

[35:25]exact specifications I want her to have a degree in this area

[35:28]this level of intelligence this type of you know this this body

[35:35]type the her weight should be in this range from this type

[35:37]of family and he listed like 20 things so when he's done

[35:42]I told him are you done Habibi and you know what he

[35:44]says like I'm I'm in a hurry so I really need to

[35:48]know if you know so one should I call you back in

[35:52]two days I told them how many be calmed down two days

[35:54]he's I care in two days I'll call you and let me

[35:58]know if you can find someone I told them first of all

[36:01]I have to order this person from Amazon but it's not going

[36:04]to take two days with prime shipping because they have to ship

[36:06]this person this girl that you're looking for from Venus and it

[36:11]takes a lot more than two days for her to arrive many

[36:13]people have unrealistic ideas in their minds with they're looking for the

[36:19]appropriate spouse aslam tells you there are priorities as long as you

[36:26]have these priorities be flexible with other qualities that's the second point

[36:31]the third point here my dear brothers and sisters many of these

[36:35]youth who are looking for these qualities the first thing I challenge

[36:39]them and ask them okay mashallah you have 10 things you're looking

[36:42]at for your spouse what about you do you have these qualities

[36:48]I want a loving spouse a warm spouse are you loving or

[36:50]kind maybe you should start working on your qualities before you think

[36:55]of the potential spouse's qualities we forget that we don't look at

[37:00]our qualities I may be someone selfish I have anger issues but

[37:05]I want the perfect person go make yourself perfect then you can

[37:08]be a little bit more demanding with your qualities but this is

[37:11]something that we usually don't pay attention to and it's nap teaches

[37:16]us that before you get married made sure that you are responsible

[37:20]you understand what marriage is you have also the qualities that allow

[37:24]you to live with the other person to make sacrifices having said

[37:29]that what aren't some of the most important qualities and you find

[37:33]that most of our families my dear brothers and sisters they're either

[37:39]too flexible or they're too strict we need a middle ground once

[37:46]someone told me that the parents and one community they were informed

[37:50]that someone had proposed to their daughter they asked two questions they

[37:56]said first of all how much does he make number two from

[37:58]which village is he not from which country no which village in

[38:04]that country is he and the guy asked them is that it

[38:09]you don't have any other questions like no we have a big

[38:11]big problem if these are the only two questions you're asking you

[38:17]think that job that money and the fact that this person comes

[38:20]from that village is going to make your daughter happy but many

[38:24]parents have this mentality unfortunately if he has the money that I

[38:26]want and he's from that part of the world from that village

[38:30]then we're good that's not going to deliver happiness and then there

[38:34]are some parents who are too strict we need to find a

[38:38]middle ground my dear brothers and sisters but here are the qualities

[38:41]my dear brothers and sisters that I believe in our society today

[38:45]are extremely necessary now you know the hadith that we have about

[38:49]the earth not about the religion all of us are handle are

[38:53]aware of that but I will highlight the following qualities number one

[38:58]when you're looking for a potential spouse and you're researching through friends

[39:04]through people who know them ask this question when this person gets

[39:10]into an argument is upset is disappointed is this person the type

[39:15]of person who's willing to have a conversation about problems who's willing

[39:20]to talk when there's an issue or this person does not how

[39:25]to know how to talk when there's a problem some friends you

[39:28]see them if there's a problem they'll talk about it they'll take

[39:32]they'll give they'll try to work out a solution and then some

[39:36]people their nature is known if you have a problem you don't

[39:39]like it I'm not willing to even talk about this in fact

[39:41]the minute you try to open a subject with them they get

[39:46]extremely angry and they push you away it's really hard to live

[39:48]with a person like that my dear brothers and sisters you don't

[39:52]want to perfect spouse no one's perfect but you want to spouse

[39:55]who when they make a mistake or you've made a mistake or

[39:58]there's a problem in the marriage at least they can talk about

[40:02]it they will not become angry just because you're discussing something with

[40:07]them they are willing to listen and to work to solve the

[40:10]problem this is one of the most important qualities that you should

[40:14]be looking for a person like that you can live with even

[40:17]the biggest of problems you can talk about them someone who's kind-hearted

[40:26]someone who really cares about you as well someone who has empathy

[40:30]that's the second quality you should be looking for empathy does that

[40:35]person have empathy or they only think about themselves their desire their

[40:40]comfort their discomfort there are some people you see them well lad

[40:43]they have so much empathy they always want to satisfy those around

[40:48]them they want to make sure that others around them are comfortable

[40:50]and the last person they think about is themselves and their comfort

[40:53]this person is a gem you want to live with a person

[40:58]like that because that person will always care about your well-being you'd

[41:00]be surprised of how many stories I've heard my dear dear brothers

[41:07]and sisters marriages that fail there is no empathy of them sometimes

[41:11]the wife she's sick she's literally on the ground sick husband doesn't

[41:15]care he passes by in fact he will even yell at her

[41:21]why why are you acting like you're sick oh so you don't

[41:23]do some house chores so you don't cook today so you don't

[41:26]do this and you don't do that there is no Rama there's

[41:29]no recommended heart Allah what about how Allah sometimes takes the mercy

[41:32]from some of these hearts you want someone who shows empathy who

[41:37]really cares when you suffer not someone who is absolutely inconsiderate and

[41:44]does not care about that these are some of the most important

[41:47]qualities that we must consider my dear brothers and sisters and that

[41:52]comes through research friends know these qualities this is not something that

[41:55]you will get to know even if you talk to this person

[42:00]for three months or six months these are some very important qualities

[42:03]that I highly recommend that you make necessary in your list of

[42:10]priorities when you are looking for the appropriate person Damo attend the

[42:15]rama from allah subhanho to anna come my dear brothers and sisters

[42:18]Allah subhana WA Ta'ala says be easygoing you know one of the

[42:26]problems that we have today amongst the youth is that many especially

[42:30]the brothers feel intimidated when it comes to proposing you know why

[42:35]because for whatever reason they postpone marriage either their parents say no

[42:40]or because of finances they're trying to establish themselves now the girl

[42:44]is waiting she's waiting for someone to come and propose now in

[42:48]the meantime she's continuing her education she's getting a degree after degree

[42:52]after degree she's working on her career on her profession and that

[42:58]makes the guys even more intimidating because now when the father sees

[43:02]oh my daughter she has a master's degree my daughter she has

[43:05]a PhD and excuse me who are you what do you have

[43:09]how many degrees do you have and parents because of this attitude

[43:13]they actually intimidate the youth and so on this poor young guy

[43:20]he's 25 26 27 he wants to go and propose and he

[43:21]knows that this potential girl has now a master's degree a PhD

[43:26]he's scared because he knows that the parents will give them a

[43:30]hard time they will be very demanding if your daughter's has seven

[43:34]degrees masha'Allah you want a decent man to take care of her

[43:40]if a doctor comes and he has seven degrees is that going

[43:42]to give happiness to your daughter my dear brothers and sisters that's

[43:47]why the religion of Islam said make the flock the priority ask

[43:51]if this is a decent person believe me a decent person will

[43:55]not make your daughter suffer a decent person will not injure the

[44:02]hearts of your daughter degrees won't guarantee that comfort even if you

[44:06]have five PhDs that doesn't mean that you will be a decent

[44:09]human being who's going to treat others properly and that is intimidating

[44:12]a lot of them and one factor that's keeping many of these

[44:18]youth at bay from going and proposing is the fear of rejection

[44:22]I've known some brothers there giuls their gems and it's the appropriate

[44:28]time for them to get married and he asked them why have

[44:31]you not gone to get married why don't you go and propose

[44:33]especially when you have certain families in mind they tell you saying

[44:39]I fear getting rejected my dear brothers it's not the end of

[44:42]the world if you get rejected go once twice three times it's

[44:46]fine it's not the end of the world we should downplay these

[44:52]fears remember you want to establish a life you're creating a family

[44:58]you're making an internal investment through your children it's worth it if

[45:03]you get rejected two or three times it's not the end of

[45:05]the world but today in our modern society you find that people

[45:11]have become so sensitive to rejections such that I've seen some of

[45:15]them fall into years of depression because of a rejection I've heard

[45:18]of some people who've committed suicide because of two or three rejections

[45:23]why what's the big deal so what have you got rejected that

[45:28]does not decrease from your self-worth are you any less than the

[45:32]eyes of Allah subhana wa tada it's not a problem the top

[45:35]companions of Masood unless allah llahu allahu allah sometimes they would get

[45:39]rejected the top companions the top believers and mcdead once he went

[45:47]to propose to Abdul Rahman even Alf the prophet saw him he

[45:50]was a little bit upset not depressed or suicidal just a little

[45:53]bit upset the Prophet told him what's the matter madad he's like

[45:57]well I went to propose and he rejected me I'm the rachmaninov

[46:01]you madad from a lower tribe you come I'm from a higher

[46:06]tribe I'm not gonna give you my daughter the Prophet said McDowell

[46:09]take care of you see when you have that faith Allah will

[46:15]make things work out for you Allah spano to Allah will create

[46:18]an opportunity for you the prophets of Allah who are you I

[46:23]said I will have you marry one of my cousins from Vani

[46:25]Hashem the respected clan of Bani Hashim I'll talk to her she

[46:31]agreed and the marriage happened some of the Companions of the Prophet

[46:35]would get rejected Salman you know Salman got rejected twice once you

[46:39]went to America top Salman and Mohammed II Salman manal al Bayt

[46:47]Salman the one from us the Prophet says he went and he

[46:49]proposed to Omar Abdel Fattah he had five daughters according to historians

[46:51]one of them the hadith does not mention which of them he

[46:55]went to propose a lot of kebab rejected him he said no

[46:59]I'm not giving you my daughter sure you're not an Arab your

[47:04]Persian I'm not giving you my daughter you know what said man

[47:07]told him said man told him Omar I was testing you I

[47:11]was testing your Eman and faith I anticipated that you probably have

[47:18]this reaction but I wanted to test you you know the one

[47:22]who comes and he's the fella full of all muslimeen says something

[47:27]about his character and he also went with Abu Darda to propose

[47:35]to a girl he told him about let's go I want to

[47:38]propose so that family because Salman was Persian he was not an

[47:43]Arab they said no so I put that that ended up marrying

[47:44]that girl instead of Salman yeah sometimes these interesting incidents happen so

[47:50]okay take your friend if they asked you to go with you

[47:56]it could end up being your opportunity that day so we find

[48:00]that even those top believers the Companions of the Prophet they would

[48:03]propose and they will get rejected it was not the end of

[48:08]the world for them it's a test a last testing you have

[48:12]to what Quran me go once go twice habit or code and

[48:14]I will bless you my dear brothers and sisters but marriage is

[48:19]not something that we want to postpone it has so much but

[48:22]like so much blessings in our lives prophet ibrahim ali salam teaches

[48:26]us that the greatest investment you will make in life is not

[48:34]your business is not any other project it's your family and children

[48:37]because if you raise righteous children and when you're choosing your spouse

[48:41]choose a spouse who will be a good father who will be

[48:46]a good mother who have those qualities of being a good father

[48:48]and a good mother if you raise righteous children tell the day

[48:52]of judgment your children great-great-great grandchildren every time they do a good

[48:58]deed Allah subhana WA Ta'ala will send that deed to your soul

[49:02]that's an eternal investment many years after you depart this life you

[49:07]still get the reward that Nevada can do and you say to

[49:11]Allah Allah I didn't do any of these what happened Allah will

[49:14]tell you what you raised a good family and because you raised

[49:18]a good family they're doing good deeds now you are getting a

[49:21]copy of that reward and that's how a last panel - Allah

[49:23]blesses us my dear brothers and sisters [Music]

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