The Most Important Factor in Training Children

If parents pray, will a child pray too? If they do a few good deeds, whatever they are, is this enough for children to have outstanding personalities? What should parents do to raise their children in a good way? Among the good deeds and among the bad deeds, which deeds are more important than others? What is the difference between an architect and us? We say it like this, “A house needs iron, wood, glass, electric cables, and tiles.” But, what does an architect say? He says, “Wait, I’ll tell you the order. First this, then that.” He’s an architect. He knows how to do it.
Now, we want to design some concepts for the process of training children and distinguish priorities. Each good deed doesn’t have a good effect on children. In the same way, each bad deed doesn’t have a damaging effect on children. Each good or bad deed does not affect training children. Which good deed or behaviour has the most effect on children? What is the main one, the first one? Being friends with the child? No. This is not the main good deed, which causes a child to be brought up well.
Since some people are religious, they answer, “Prayer.” No, this is not the answer at all. Prayer is not the first good deed for parents to do for their children to become good. I can show you many parents who pray, and even pray on time, but their child has become corrupted. There is a first and most important feature in parents, which causes children to become “Human Beings!” “A Human Being” means a real human being and a noble, strong person. I have understood it this way that when you say it with a Turkish accent, it gives a stronger meaning to this concept.
What is the most important behaviour of parents, which affects children? Patience and tolerating hardships. Actually, tolerating hardships means patience. Parents, who are unable to tolerate hardships, will corrupt their children. When honourable mothers are upset, they shouldn’t say everything that comes to mind. Children understand that their mother is sad, but she smiles and says, “It’s fine.” When the child sees the mother’s patience, he or she grows ten years at once. They come out from being a child.
For example, there are very religious parents. When they get upset, they start cursing. “Wait a moment. Be patient or your child will be destroyed.” “No, one defect of mine won’t destroy my child.” “Actually he’ll be destroyed with this one defect! He won’t become good with all the rest of your good points. I’m telling you.” No defect is like impatience, and no goodness is like patience.
The most important factor for training children, which if it’s eliminated, it’s the most important reason for a person becoming impolite, is tolerating hardships. The Almighty God has mentioned patience before prayer in the Qur’an many times. “Seek assistance in patience and prayer.” (Qur’an 2:153)
[From the series of speeches under the topic of, “The special importance of patience in training children.”]

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The third book of Ali Reza Panahian in English is now available on Amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/Alireza....-Panahian/e/B00DSJYW

This book attempts to answer the question "Why does God command?" from the perspective of the effects God’s commands have on one’s personal training and morals. While answering this question, he also explains some of the deep, educational concepts of Islam in a simple language. The valuable effect this book has is that it leaves the reader with a delightful, glorious, pleasant image of the concept of "God's commands," which has an automatic impact on one’s spiritual development.

While describing the beauty of the divine commands, this book answers questions such as:
• Why does a person like to not be obliged to do things and to not have to adhere to commands?

• If all divine given duties were recommended actions, wouldn’t we feel better?

• How do God’s promises of “punishment” and “reward” eliminate egotism?

• Is the desire to “not be obliged to do things” an unnatural feeling?

• What is the difference between a selfish enjoyment and an enjoyment through which one seeks God?

#WhyDoesGodCommandMe

Do you know God’s language?

Have you ever lived with God? How can one see God? Can you see Him by praying and begging? How can one see God better? Can you see Him by obeying His commands? Yes, each of these show God to us in some way. See God in tests!
You will know what He wants. You’ll live with Him. When you have lived with Him, you’ll gradually know Him.
“God, I really didn’t know You are so sensitive about this matter. You immediately put me into this test.”
Have you ever lived with God? With the active God! What does God want from you when you leave here now? If you sit in a taxi, who is sitting next to you? He is talking to you. For example, a music is playing in the taxi. Someone is saying something, which is wrong or right. God is looking at you. Can you understand His language?! Do you say anything? For example, you give some advice. But, God doesn’t let you go.
“What was your intention in saying this?” “God, You said he shouldn’t sin. I told him not to sin. I invited him to do good, not bad.” “What was your intention in doing this?” “I hadn’t thought about my intention very much.” “Look. Why did you say that?” “God! Didn’t you say we should discourage people from doing bad? I got in the car and saw that he is saying something wrong. I discouraged him from doing the wrong thing.” “Look at yourself. Did I only want you to discourage others from doing bad, for them to grow? What about your own growth?” “What about me?! I advised him. Now he is being tested whether he listens or not.”
“No, I still want to ask you. When you argued with him and he accepted, did you see how you were pleased? Your will enjoyed it. Haven’t you grown yet? You wanted to enjoy yourself?” “God! I obeyed Your command.” “You were pleased because My command was done and you loved Me? Or was it enjoyable because you ruined his mood and he was silenced? )the sound of coughing) You even coughed proudly afterwards.”
I understood you (audience) didn’t understand this cough was a part of my performance. That is why I explained it.
“Now, let’s see what you do next time.” He gets out of the car and goes home. His wife happens to say something bad to him. He shouts, “Why did you say that?!” God says, “It’s a test. I wanted to see if you will understand what I am doing to you when I ruin your mood after your big success in the car and becoming so pleased.”
May I be sacrificed for you. Look at yourself as being in a test and the world as a test, you’ll see God. You’ll see His presence. You’ll see His actions. You’ll see His tendencies. You’ll see what He wants from you. You will even know God! You won’t know a person until you live with him! If you live with God, will He be silent? Did you think that He is sitting up there and signed for you, “Rain, snow, and bread. Give them to him. Let’s see what he does.” Then, he is sitting up there without anything to do. Then, I tell you to know God? No! He is living with you in each moment.
Live with God. See Him. He is working with you in each moment. In each moment! “God, I really didn’t know that You are so sensitive about this matter. You immediately put me into this test.” See God in tests.
[From the series of speeches under the topic of “The Most Determining Factor in Human Destiny.”]

Why doesn’t my child pray?
When does he/she usually wake up?!


One question religious people have is, “Why don’t our youth pray? What should I do for my child to pray?” Getting up early morning to pray, standing in front of God, and doing these acts have specific religious laws. But, who will act upon these divine commandments? A person whose lifestyle is in accordance with these commandments will. For praying to become easy for young people and for them to pray well, not necessarily like Ayatollah Bahjat, do you know what you should do? A child should be polite in general. Being polite does not come from divine commandments; it’s a lifestyle. If a person is polite, praying will become easy for him/her. Once you say prayer is obligatory, he prays because it’s easy. He’s not obstinate.
But now, when you tell him that prayer is obligatory, his lifestyle has induced laziness in him and hasn’t taught him politeness. His lifestyle has hurt him in another way too. Whatever he has done was due to immediate rewards or reproof. He asks, “Will they give me a good grade or negative points?” “Nothing.” “Will anyone notice it?” “No one will know if you’ve prayed.” He says, “So, forget it. I am used to getting a grade for all my deeds at school. If an action doesn’t get a grade, it is hard for me to do it.” This lifestyle has made him lazy for a deed like praying. This lifestyle hasn’t taught him politeness for him to enjoy being polite. A flawed lifestyle.
We don’t say a flawed lifestyle is forbidden in religion. We don’t say when students are coming out of class, they should come out in a line. But, this is of a higher priority than going into the class in a line. It has more of a psychological effect on being polite. We don’t usually talk about these or care about lifestyle. We have only stuck to prayer, “Have you prayed?” He’ll become crazy and hate praying.
A parent asks, “What should I do for my child to pray?” “Have you made him disciplined in all parts of his life?” “No.” “So, he/she won’t pray. You can be sure.” Praying is easy for a person who regularly does 20 other deeds in his daily life. They are against his will, but he does them due to his politeness and based on his lifestyle.
“What can I do for my child to pray?” “Does he receive immediate encouragement or reproof for whatever he does at school?” “Yes.” “So, he won’t pray, because prayer doesn’t have immediate encouragement or punishment.” Whether you pray or not, stones won’t fall from the sky. No one will give you a star (like in school.) It’s hard for him. Don’t force him.
“What should I do for my child to pray?” “Do you have a time the children should wake up at home?” “No.” “How much does he/she sleep?” “He sleeps so much that sleep gets tired of him!!” “So, he won’t pray.”
“What can I do for my child to pray?” “Has the mother told the child to always get up in front of his/her father?” [Based on a tradition] “No, we don’t do these things. We’re comfortable at home.” “So, your child won’t pray. Since he hasn’t learned to get up for his father, it’s hard to stand up for God. Just let him lie down!”
“How should I teach my child to be polite?” “You women, are you polite with your husbands and don’t complain? You men too, are you polite with your wives?” “No, we’re comfortable!” “So your child won’t pray.” “Aren’t faith, belief in the Hereafter, and fear of Hell needed for praying?!” “You have ruined his lifestyle and are sticking to one religious law! You have a misplaced expectation my dear!”
One’s lifestyle is the basis for obeying divine laws. Caring religious scholars - before and even more than teaching the religious laws - should gain the necessary knowledge and with families’ cooperation correct people’s lifestyles. What will happen if one’s lifestyle is corrected? Divine laws will be adhered to like a piece of cake. Divine laws are not hard. Everyone believes in this. Lifestyles will become corrected.
For praying to become easy for young people, a child should be polite in general. Praying is easy for a person who regularly does 20 other deeds in his daily life. They are against his will but he does them due to his politeness and based on his lifestyle.

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If we talk to God sincerely…
God is able to change your heart.
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The link for the book "How to Pray a Good Prayer," written by Ali Reza Panahian:
http://amazon.com/author/panahian​
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My friends, if one has a sincere intention, God will not wait for his action. God will not wait to test him. I know this that I’m saying it. Sincerely say, “God, I want You!” He won’t wait to see what you do tomorrow. He’ll start [your growth] if He sees you are sincere.
We were returning from a speech with two people who later became martyrs. Going they were very cheerful, but returning they were quiet. I asked them, “What’s the matter?” They said, “You ruined our mood with your talk. Why aren’t we going to the front this time?” I said, “Ok, so let’s go.” We were on leave. They had come before, but not at this time. They said, “We’re afraid.” It happens. “Tell this to God.” “You’re right.” I said, “Tell God you’d like to come but you’re afraid; your feeling will change tomorrow.” The next day they were both on the train! “You’ve come!?” “Yup!” Happy and laughing! “What happened? You said you’re afraid.” “I don’t know.”
You think God can’t change your heart? Sincerely say, “I’m afraid, but I don’t want to be afraid.” God says, “Be sincere and I will show you My divine strength. I will change you. Be truthful. I will put all that’s good in your heart. Tell me you are incapable, and I will be your strength.” Sincerely say, “God, I want You!” He won’t wait to see what you do tomorrow. He’ll start [your growth] if He sees you are sincere.

Seeking the truth: The central point for training a human being
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Imam Baqir (as) and Imam Sadiq (as) said that when Prophet Ibrahim (as) saw a star, he said, “This is my Lord. This is so bright and beautiful. This is my God.” In another verse of the Qur’an, it is said, “But when it disappeared, he said, ‘I do not love those who fade away.’” [Qur’an 6:76]
Let’s see what Imam Sadiq (as) said. He said, “Whoever seeks to reach his Lord will not become an unbeliever.” This means that a person who seeks the truth does not become an unbeliever. “If someone thinks like this, he will be like Prophet Ibrahim.” “That who is my Lord?” Think about who your Lord is. The phenomena in the world will show you.
What should we do to distance ourselves from unbelief? We must be truth seekers. Before we can reach the truth, we must be truth seekers and love the truth. I want to give good news to you. This search for truth shows itself in a person from infancy. What does a baby do? Just feed him and satisfy his basic needs. Then he will start going here and there. He/she touches everything and wants to see what it is.
His curiosity starts. Do not disrupt this in a child for seven years and let his curiosity continue. You can help him by giving direction to his curiosity. Go along with him/her. Don’t suppress his/her enthusiasm. During the time that children are at home and parents want to train them, which adjective should we emphasize more? We should show kindness to our children. Yes, that’s correct.
We should show kindness so that the child will feel secure. But we shouldn’t show kindness just to show kindness. After showing kindness to your child, what’s next? You show kindness for him/her to be curios in a peaceful environment. This curiosity will help him to get accepted in the university and to become a scholar. This curiosity will help him to be wise in life. This one factor, it is a central point in life.
From the age of 7 to 14, why should a child be trained by ordering him/her [according to the traditions]? This period is the period for children to be curious with certain limitations. Before that, they should be left free in their curiosity. But if they continue to be like this (after 7), their thinking will go astray, right? If they continue to be left free in their curiosity with games and entertainments, they will pursue a kind of curiosity that creates a false excitement in them. Then they won’t be able to become a great thinker.
If someone wishes to become a great thinker, he must gradually direct his curiosity. They put scientific subjects in front of him and tell him to start. After the age of fourteen, he should continue being curious in other certain, scientific subjects, but I won’t talk about that now. Psychologists say around the age of fourteen, a person’s curiosity leads him/her to a question. Interesting! Psychologists say this. These are not the words of religion.
Around the age of fourteen, this curiosity leads a person to a philosophical, mystical question. That question is, “Why was I created?” This is a general question that one asks after reaching the age of intellectual maturity. Each student should reach this point where he/she asks deeply, “Why was I created? Why did God create me?” We should cheer and clap, admire him/her, and say, "Well done!” Then we should help him to find the answer himself.
And this is one of the topics that God, the Almighty, raises many times in the Holy Qur’an. Let me give you an example. “Have they not thought that God has not created the heavens and the earth and all that is between them but for a genuine purpose and to exist for an appointed term?” [Qur’an 30:8] Didn't they think within themselves that perhaps God didn’t create this world in vain?!
This is the question of a fourteen-year-old. Almighty God has repeated this many times. What should we do to distance ourselves from unbelief? We must seek the truth. This seeking the truth starts showing itself from childhood and infancy. We must hold onto our tendency to seek the truth.

A trait, which is a part of all of our bad points

One of a human being’s likings and tendencies is being hasty. Being hasty in all of our interests ruins what we do. Haste is involved in all of our bad points. I mean you are usually unable to find a bad liking, which has caused a bad deed, in which there is no haste.
“Don’t be Hasty”
For example, God says, “The human was created of haste.” (Qur’an 21: 37) God wants to say that man was created from dirt. But, He says man was created from haste. What does this mean? It means that a human’s soul has been intertwined with haste very much. In another place, God says, “And man prays for evil as he ought to pray for good.” (Qur’an 17:11) What does he do? He asks for evil with the same tongue that he asks for good. It means that a person thinks he’s apparently asking for something good. But, he’s actually asking for something bad. Why does he make such a mistake that he considers a bad point to be good and asks for it? He goes towards it to gain it. Why?
“And man prays for evil as he ought to pray for good, and man is ever hasty.” (Qur’an 17:11) Since he is hasty, he confuses what is good and what is bad, and doesn’t see correctly. What is to his disadvantage, he says, “This is to my favour. I want it.” He either wants it from God, or he plans to gain it in this world. Or, he asks for it from others. This is totally to your disadvantage. Why don’t you see this correctly? God says, “He doesn’t distinguish correctly due to his haste.”
When some people see the truth, they show their haste in this way that since they don’t want to accept the truth, they say, “Where are its effects? Show me.” They make themselves wretched with haste. What happens in them? He says, “If I see the Hereafter, I will believe in it.” Wait. The Hereafter will come too. “Where is death?” He wants to see death to correct himself. Wait, death will come too. For example, you tell him, “Don’t do this forbidden deed. It’ll hurt you.” He replies, “I did it, and it didn’t hurt me.” “Wait, it will hurt you.” “Do this good deed, and you’ll see its benefits.” “Where? I did it once, but I didn’t see any results.” Wait, you’ll see its good result.
The truth is that Hazrat Adam (‘a) was expelled from Heaven due to the mistake he made in being hasty. Satan made him panic. If Adam replied, “Wait, I’ll think about it and answer later,” he wouldn’t have gone towards it at all. Satan does this. He sometimes makes a person panic. What does “making one panic” mean? He says, “You’ll lose it!” Friends, I tell you. You never lose any enjoyment. Don’t worry. What is intended for you will be given to you. A poem says, “If you don’t take it, they’ll give it to you by force.” Don’t be hasty. These are Satan’s temptations. The cursed Satan said, “You’ll lose it!” He makes us panic. On the other hand, God says, “You won’t lose anything. Don’t worry. I have it. I’ll give you whatever you want.”
For example, it has been said in the traditions that when some people pray, they rush and want to go and do their jobs. So, they skip the recommended supplications afterwards. In a tradition, God says, “Where did My servant go? Why was he in haste? What did he want to gain? Shall I destroy everything he wants to gain?” God dislikes this haste. Don’t be in a haste for this world. Whenever you don’t rush, better than that will be given to you. You’ll never lose any enjoyment. Don’t worry. What is intended for you, will be given to you. “If you don’t take it, they’ll give it to you by force.”

Don’t rush.
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Have I done something wrong?

What’s the result?

There is a very important question for human beings! It is very stimulating! A person needs an answer to this question. What’s next? What’s the result? This question takes a person to the highest goal, “What’s the result?” I am a person who wants benefits. But, I have a question. I am a person who wants enjoyment. But, I have a question. This question should be answered. What’s the result?
A person needs the highest goal for his life, which will then prioritize all his lower goals. “Why do you buy a house?” “Because, we need a house.” “Why do you marry?” “Because, we have another need too.” “Why do you work?” “We need money too. Besides money, we need social recognition too.” “What’s the relation between social recognition and marriage?” “No relation. They may help each other in some cases.” “You’re brushing your hair?” He replies, “Hair improves my appearance, and I love beauty.” “What’s the relation between beauty and teeth?” “Nothing. This is another goal.” Such a person is the most wretched person in the world. Why? He’s a scattered person, a person who has several goals. Such a person is not in love. Even if such a person has thousands of such goals, and each is more or less important, his being is scattered. He is trying to reach several goals.
If a person has a higher goal, this goal will give direction to all his smaller goals, and all his short and long-term goals. You should find such a goal that will first of all satisfy your search for infinity to the extent that you don’t say anything else afterwards. You say, “Aha! This is the result?! Right!” You should find such a goal that will first of all satisfy your search for infinity to the extent that you don’t say anything else afterwards.
Psychologists say a human being needs such a goal. They say that the only answer that people have found for this goal is God. The psychologists have understood this too. God Himself is the only answer to this question, and no one can deceive himself. No one. As soon as you ask, “What’s the result?” God comes up like the sun, which gradually rises from behind the horizon at dawn. You will see God. He will show Himself to you. You will gain an interest in Him and gradually become fond of Him. Afterwards, a person finds calmness, and then he marries with calmness. Or, he does other things. He manages the world. He studies: math, engineering… But, he’s busy with God. Now, he knows why he is living!
Do you know what this means for our goal to be God? After we meet God on the Day of Judgement, will it be done? No, you will become thirsty to see God again. When you see Him again, it is as if you hadn’t seen God before that. Then, you become thirsty to see Him again, and again. When you see Him the next time, you say, “I didn’t know God until now!” How long will this continue? It will continue forever. And, only God can be like this. Each time he meets God, he doesn’t know how to describe it. During this period, the angels massage him too. They provide his house too. “Come here. Stay here.” But, everything is Him. Heaven is a hotel for those who meet God!

Only God is limitless. What does limitless mean? It means that each time you see Him, a part of Him is manifested to you, and God does not finish. God is the only existence Who never finishes. You’ll have the benefit of meeting Him forever. A human being is a creature with this innate desire. The divine prophets remove the dust from a human being’s innate desire so that he or she can ask one question, “What’s the result?!” A person wants to choose that superior goal so that he will find calmness and not say, “What’s the result?” afterwards. What will happen after choosing that superior goal? Afterwards, a person finds calmness, and then he marries with calmness. He manages the world. Now, he knows why he is living!


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The adverse effects of constant parental censure

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Some parents are constantly questioning their children who are students. Whenever he or she comes home from school or the father enters the house, the parents ask about the child’s studies and immediately tell him/her to study. They immediately blame him/her, “Why didn’t you study? Why aren’t you studying now? Why are you playing now?” They immediately ask about the children’s grades and blame them if their grades are low. They immediately compare them with others.
If parents do these things, it’s because of their compassion. But in doing this, they make their children hate studying. Plus, the children will start hating themselves too.
If immediately after returning home from school every day, or immediately after the father comes home every day, a child is questioned, preached to and punished, this isn’t useful. Why do you do this? It will get worse. A child will become fed up. Why? Because some ideas will become formed in his mind. [He’ll think,] “Father means punishment if you don’t study.” Having this idea about his father is not good, and the child will become distanced from him.
And yet, the reason behind these behaviors is that the parents are worried about their children and love them. They don’t care about other people’s studies and don’t direct others like this. They don’t care if others become wretched or become prosperous. The parents are worried about you, their child. This is the reason for their behavior, but this reason isn’t seen. What is seen? The bitterness of ordering, preaching, blaming, and checking up on them.
Dear parents, even when your child returns home after an exam, exams that are held occasionally, don’t ask them about it immediately. Say, “How was the weather? Did you play after your test?” Wait one or two hours, then ask, “By the way, how was your test?” so that they won’t feel stressed. Why am I saying this? Your child shouldn’t think you are just judging, checking, blaming and punishing him. So when parents want to train their child, they must be careful of the bitter feelings that may be created.
Training needs an introduction, should be occasional and must be done using different ways so as not to create negative feelings. If parents are constantly preaching, checking, blaming and asking about the child’s studies, he will start hating his parents and also hate his studies. He will also think negatively about the home, and the home environment will be irritating for him.