Sometimes my spouse acts childishly. What should I do?

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«لِتَسکُنوا إلَیها» “
… so that you may take comfort in them.
”«وَ جعَلَ بَینَکُم مَوَدَّةً وَ رَحمَة» “
… and He put between you love and compassion.” [Qur’an 30:21]

The Almighty God mentions three very important functions of marriage in this verse. Play these two roles. Men should play two roles for women. Women too should play two roles for men. However, some men and women aren’t able to play both of these roles. These two roles have been mentioned using the words “love and compassion” in this verse. They have been mentioned but not explained.
Your wife’s age is close to your age. And women have their own personalities. They might even manage you. They understand a lot too. Today’s women understand a lot. But sometimes they like to play the role of a spoiled, little girl who is being cute for her dad. In such a case, you should act like her father. You should act nobly. She may cry and complain. Say, “Aw, it’s ok. I’ll buy it for you!” Act nobly. Don’t act childishly. When she’s acting childishly you behave nobly. You’re like her father. Sometimes a woman plays this role.
At other times your wife isn’t playing the role of a little girl who is being cute for her dad. She plays the role of a mother for a little boy, which is you. You too sometimes become like a little boy who needs his mom. Women should keep this in mind that their husbands have just been separated from their moms! Today’s young men are a little spoiled. If you see a man who asks a lot for kindness from his wife, this means he has become a little too feminine. No, you’re a man. Be firm. But sometimes a man breaks down like a little boy and needs his wife to behave nobly. His wife should say, “It’s ok. It’ll be alright.” Like a mom. Have you seen how moms act at home? Women should play this role.
So the role of a little girl and a mom are two coupled roles that a skilled women should play at home. And the role of a dad and a little boy are two coupled roles that men should play for women.

Make it a habit

Our actions are based on our disposition

If we want to do good deeds, it is not just dependent on our faith. The Qur’an says, “Every one acts according to his own disposition.” [17:84] People do many of their deeds based on their disposition. Our dispositions, or in other words characteristics, are formed over time. To put it more simply, skills are very determining for a person to be able to do a good deed.
For example, a tradition says that a bad tempered person’s sins won’t be forgiven. The tradition says, «سوءُ الخُلق ذَنبٌ لا یُغفَر» Why isn’t being bad tempered forgiven? Because each time he abandons a sin, due to his temper he does that sin again because of the bad behavioral habit he has. He cannot control himself. One of the key factors to piety is that a person should be careful of himself. Another important factor is that being careful should be repeated so much that it becomes a skill. When considering behavioral traits, vigilance is hard. When considering habits, it’s easy.
If a person says that having piety is hard, we say that it seems this way in the beginning. It takes time for a person to gain this skill. But this difficulty will not last. A person will get used to it and gain this skill. Some people imagine that their intense belief in God should force them to do good deeds. This is a big mistake. Because intense belief is not formed, unless you do good deeds for a time and abandon sinning for a while. No one should wait for a strong enthusiasm to be formed in him for him to get up for the Midnight Prayer.
Actions affect our fate. Actions affect a person’s affection. Actions bring fear. Actions bring enthusiasm. Therefore, you see that Islam is full of commands. Why is action this important? When you know that actions are very important, you start having piety by observing vigilance. Then, you obtain habits. Or you must confront bad habits to become free. Good behavior is not just dependent on faith. The amount of faith you have can take you forward very much. Our problem is our habits that are based on our carnal desires. Our problem is the skills that we don’t have.
The amount of faith and knowledge we have is enough. We just need to put effort into our actions. This effort is either due to a great amount of love, passion, enthusiasm, fear or compassion, or it is due to a person’s attention to action. This is our big problem. We must increase the value of actions for ourselves so that we start being careful of ourselves. A pious person is one who is vigilant. A pious person is not one who is very religious and has gained piety due to his faith. We can have piety before having faith. We can be a careful person who has gained discipline due to his vigilance. So no one should wait to have faith in order to have piety. The amount of faith that one has is enough. It is possible for a person to be pious and have vigilance even without having faith. Because intense belief is not formed, unless you do good deeds for a time and abandon sinning for a while.
Our problem is our habits that are based on our carnal desires. Our problem is the skills that we don’t have.

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How can we control our thoughts?

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In the same way that you should exercise for your muscles to become strong, in exactly the same way, the way to start to increase spiritual power is with mind exercises. Exercising the mind is through mind control. My mind shouldn’t wander everywhere. My mind should go where I order it to go. In the same way that when you exercise you strengthen your arm, Allamah Tabatabai has given exercises for controlling the mind.
Allamah Tabatabai said in his book “Risalah al-Wilayah,” “Choose a quiet place, where there isn’t anything to attract your attention such as lights, noise, etc. Then, sit in such a way that you won’t become busy doing something else or be distracted. Keep your eyes closed. Then, imagine the shape of the letter ‘A’ or one of the Names of God in such a way that your attention be completely on that. Be careful that no imaginary figures enter the shape of ‘A.’
At this time, which is the beginning of the way, you will see that other imaginary figures interrupt you. They try to make your mind dark and confused. Many of these thoughts are not recognizable or identifiable. They are your daily thoughts, and your goals and desires. These thoughts may even be about whom you are going to meet in an hour. This is while you are only looking at the shape of ‘A’ in your imagination and paying attention to that. These disconcerting images will be with you and continue for a while.
So, if you continue evacuating and cleaning away these disrupting images - when they come to your mind, you push them aside - after a while you will see that those images are becoming less. They decrease every day and your thinking becomes luminous. This continues to the extent that you feel whatever comes to your heart and mind is so bright that it is as if you are seeing it with your eyes. Then, gradually these images become less every day. Until, there won’t be any other images left with the shape of ‘A.’”
Don’t let bad words come to your mind. This is the root. You should control your mind. Controlling your mind means that no one should be able to drag your attention to a place you don’t want it to go. If a person wants to drag your attention towards something, he should get permission from you.
If you want to, you should be able to redirect your attention. Mind power means that you are able to think about a subject as much as you want. As much as you want, one hour or two hours. Ok, I will think about it for two hours. The ability to control one’s mind means that you are able to think about a subject deeply, not superficially. It means you can focus deeply.
In the same way that you should exercise for your muscles to become strong, the way to start to increase spiritual power is with mind exercises. Exercising the mind is through mind control. My mind shouldn’t wander everywhere. My mind should go where I order it to go.

Allahu Akbar, Alhamdu Lillah, Subhanallah


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When a person wishes for something, he admires it in others. “Did you see his car?!” This means I would love to have that car too. “Did you see his house?” This means I would love to have that house too. “Each person’s value is according to what he admires.” [, said Imam Ali (as).] “God, I admire You since You’re flawless.” This means I want Him to correct my flaws. A Human being likes his flaws to be corrected. When you say these things about God, you’re in fact talking about yourself too. When a person says, “سبحان الله [Glory be to God],” he is talking about his own wish. He wants to be flawless too. God is flawless and He likes to make everyone flawless.
You say, “God, You’re flawless.” He says, “What do you mean?” You say, “But I have flaws.” He says, “You’ve said enough. Come to Me.” This is what happens when you say, “سبحان الله [Glory be to God].” When you prostrate and say “سبحان الله [Glory be to God],” what are you thinking about at that time? You say, “O flawless God,” and He says, “Remove my servant’s flaw.” He didn’t say anything special. He just said God is flawless. [But God says,] “He meant ‘I have flaws but You don’t. I’m Your servant and belong to You. No one can resolve my flaws except You. Don’t You want me to become like You?!’”
What does praising Him mean? It means, “I’m thankful. Give me the rest!” And He does. Didn’t He say in the Qur’an, “If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more”? [Qur’an, 14:7] [One says,] “Praise God.” [God asks,] “Why do you praise Me?” [He replies,] “In general. You’ve probably given me some things.” [God says,] “Don’t give this foolish servant more. He hasn’t understood what I’ve given him. He’s doesn’t really mean it.” “God is greater.” This means, “Bring me out of this paltriness.” I don’t mean this is your reason for saying this.
When you say, “You’re so great!” you become great yourself too. This means you like being great. “You’re so pure. You have given me a lot!” You understood this?! God says, “Angels, give him more. He understood.”
A tradition says it’s enough if you recognize your blessings. God will increase your blessings. In the traditions, thankfulness means understanding your blessings are from God. You don’t need to do anything else! “God, I’m thankful to You.” You don’t necessarily need to say this. [God says,] “Have you seen the blessings I’ve given you? When you see them, I count this as you thanking Me.”
When you say these things about God, you’re in fact talking about yourself too. “Glory be to God.” This means, “Make me flawless too.” And God likes to resolve your flaws. What does praising Him mean? It means, “I’m thankful. Give me the rest!” And He does.
“God is greater.” This means, “Bring me out of this paltriness.” When you say, “You’re so great!” you become great yourself too.

A Miracle Called Repentance
Why does asking for forgiveness mean asking for a miracle from God?
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What does repentance mean? Imagine one has sinned and made a mistake. Its bad effects are coming to him/her. If God wants to prevent these bad effects, He must disturb the order that exists in the world. Do you know what it means to disturb this order? An example is if they say that during the next 24 hours, gravity will be disturbed either randomly or in some disorderly pattern. No car would be able to move on the road, because people wouldn’t know when this order would be disturbed. If order is disturbed in a corner of this world, the whole world will be turned upside down. If you remove one piece of this puzzle, all of it will collapse. It’s like a domino that suddenly falls.
So what does repentance mean? We have done something that will have an effect on us. God says, “I’ll prevent that effect.” “So You’re stopping the order in the world!” God says, “I am God. I will stop the routine order in such a way that there won’t be any other disorder created in the world.” So a miracle takes place.
[Consider the Prophet] splitting the moon. Then it stuck together again. This was a miracle. This miracle of the Prophet (s) splitting the moon is an example of disorder in the world. The entire universe and the solar system should have become mixed up! But the miracle is that the moon was split into two pieces and then it stuck together again, but nothing changed. Splitting the moon only happened once, but with repentance it’s a miracle each time. God is constantly accepting our repentance and creating a miracle!
Imagine if one picks up a glass of water to drink. He’s not paying attention and he is very thirsty too. Imagine if he drinks something poisonous. They tell him, “Oh no, why did you drink that?! It was poisonous, or it contained an acid that is used for washing that place.” “Are you serious?!” How will he feel when he goes to the doctor? Firstly, he will feel bad right away. He’ll feel bad that he has drunk poison or acid. He is willing to have his stomach washed. He will beg the doctor. I think the way such a person goes pale is a little similar to Imam Ali (as) when asking for forgiveness. Imagine the way he would go pale when supplicating God. “I have oppressed myself.” [Kumayl Supplication]
“Doctor, I’ve ruined everything. I have drunk such and such poison.” Imagine if the doctors say, “We can’t do anything for you. You’ll die in five hours!” He will beg the doctor. “Doctor, do something!” Imagine if the doctor says, “I’ll put my hand on you and cure you in some extraordinary way. Rest assured.” How pleadingly he will look at the doctor. When God accepts our repentance, it’s like this. This doesn’t mean He says, “It wasn’t poisonous.” It doesn’t mean a surgery can fix you. Poison kills.
What does repentance mean? We have done something that will have an effect on us. God says, “I’ll prevent that effect.” “So You’re stopping the order in the world!” God says, “I am God. I will stop the routine order in such a way that there won’t be any other disorder created in the world.” So a miracle takes place.

Not being tranquil is a sign of being far from God.

Only for You

Your motivation should only be Me. Your encouragement should only be from Me. Even your punisher should only be Me. You should only be afraid of Me. What’s the meaning of sincerity? A tradition says, “Sincerity is the highest point of religion.” “Sincerity means that you do deeds only because of Me (God), and you don’t do them under the influence of anyone else! If even 1% of it is done under the influence of others, I won’t accept it at all!”
How important is spiritual independence in motivation? “God! Take it easy. I did this because of You. If it wasn’t because of You and Imam Husayn (‘a), I wouldn’t have done any of these at all. I swear I did it because of You. I love You!” God replies, “Yes, but when you were coming out of the meeting someone encouraged you and you became a little happy.” “But this was only 1% of it!” “No, I won’t accept any of it. Come next time.” “But God, 99.99% of it was because of You! 0.01% was ruined because of my heart! You know the heart becomes dependent.” “It’s not accepted.” The Kind God says, “I won’t accept it.”
After you (audience) go, I’ll negotiate and talk to God! But, no matter how much we insist, God won’t accept. God says, “I’m a good partner. Did you choose another partner?” “God, believe me…!” God replies, “Don’t insist. People are watching you! Go. This wasn’t accepted. Do it again. Your motivation and encouragement should only be from Me. Even your punisher should only be Me. You should only be afraid of Me.” This is amazing!

[From the series of speeches under the topic of “Being Independent, Being Passive.” Muharram 2019.]


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People grow when changing.
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Change your habits.